AIBU to want a 4th child, is it self sabotage?

[BeeHappy12]

I'm really stuck. DH and I have 3 kids aged 6.5, 4 and 2 and have been going back and forth on whether we should have child no 4.

The thing is I find 3 quite a lot in terms of mental energy, activities for the kids and 1:1 time already. My husband and I are very equal in terms of work and family time and we would be financially fine. My husband is happy with 3 (and in balance would prefer to stop because he's pragmatic about time, money) but can also see the positives of 4 and would support me if I really want it.

It feels like 3 is manageable for me and I should stop and be grateful and then I feel this impulse to go for no.4 to have another little person to watch grow and have a bigger family. I'm worried that with 3 there won't be enough going on around the house when they're all in school, like there is now. Is this just self sabotage because things are manageable and I'm pushing myself into unmanageable territory?

Help!

I can’t see any reason for you to have a fourth child? You’re both managing fine with 3, why would you risk that?

Honestly, I don’t believe someone with 3 small children and a full time job has time to do any hobbies unless they do them at night instead of sleeping.

People don't have a child for a reason though, do they? It's not like the op is suggesting that they could do with the additional labour to run the family farm.

Only you and your husband can decide. If you have the resources, financial and emotional, go for it.

It is great to hear lots of viewpoints but the shocking ableist comments on this thread are born of prejudice.

It is statistically very unlikely your child would have complex/ additional needs - and yes you get to decide whether to take that perceived ‘risk’. It totally invalidates ’dis’abled experiences and but for grace you and your children could become so after birth.

A small chance of something happening overstated by prejudiced people - I’d widen my pool of feedback.

MN is so wild in terms of the perfect conditions to have more than 2 children (IE there are basically no perfect conditions to have more than 2, 3 at a stretch).

Op, no one can decide but you & your husband really. 4 sounds a lot to me, but we are having this debate about a 3rd at the moment so 4 seems unfathomable to me. I am however the youngest of 4 sisters, to a mum who unexpectedly became a single parent when I was 4 (age range is 10 years between me and eldest sister). We didn’t have much money but we had a great life, do I feel resentful that she didn’t pay for uni for us? No way. My sisters are great! We have all been to uni, all own our own homes etc. Money isn’t everything as long as you have enough to give them a good life.

3 kids fit in the back of a car. With 4 you'll have to travel in 2 cars everywhere or get a people carrier. Then there's finances as they get older, not to mention the time and energy you could invest in your older kids if you don't have another baby. I wouldn't do it, seems like the only reason you want it is to keep busy but then where does it end?

Part of it is that, i guess I'm someone who as soon as I achieve a steady state in life I just add on the next thing!

What are you referring to?

I do have a job, a very fulfilling one and hobbies but I feel like I still have the desire to see another little human grow and get to know them.

She means 6 and a half. Not a 6 and 5 year old

Stick with 3 .. more than enough

Honestly, I know it sounds like a lot but it's true. On the flip side I struggle to understand why people really really struggle with 1 or 2 kids (excluding special needs, really poor long-term sleepers or other extenuating circumstances). I mentioned this previously that I don't seem to have the presiding experience of other parents I speak to.

You can surely watch your other children grow and develop?
You obviously want another baby, though.

You should write a parenting book,

I think for some women the urge to have another baby never goes away. If you had a 4th you’d probably be wanting a 5th in a few years!

My friend is like this, she stopped at 3 but always felt sad about not having a 4th. She acknowledges that if she’d had 4 she’d want 5 though!!

My brother and sil had a 4th and they really struggled, the 4th child is very challenging and the 3rd and 4th do not get on well. It’s been really difficult and I they feel very guilty all of the time as none of the children get the one on one time they crave.

Personally I would enjoy the three children you have and not risk that for the sake of another baby.

Youll always want another. You have to stop sometime.
My neighbours had another and dc is very disabled. She has no time for her other kids and has to watch this one like a hawk as he eats non food items and runs into traffic, breaks things for fun and climbs on all the furniture. He doesn’t sleep despite melatonin.

Id suggest your life is great. Why risk it all.

It’s not a judgemental view. It’s simply asking the question whether one more will be enough, or whether she might then want another baby in the house. Of course it’s up to the OP, but she posted here, so presumably wants to hear opinions.

Hats off to you if you can work, have hobbies and still have quality parenting time, with plenty of 1-2-1 with each child, reading to them, talking to them etc. I'm from a big family and chose not to repeat the experience because my parents were tired, we really didn't have enough affection and attention, nor really enough money. However, if you have the determination and skills to make it work, good luck.

It’s totally up to you - but I agree it may just be hormonal (ovulation), and I say this from experiencing similar feelings myself depending on where I am in cycle (albeit I’m totally different circumstances to you and have decided that ship has passed).
I don’t know your age but of course there are a lot of factors to consider. Perhaps review how you feel when you are past ovulation?

You also ask if the feelings will ever leave you if you don’t go for a 4th - but imo it is up to you to control your feelings.

Genuinely, I need to know how to do that so! I have two who I adore but wow they are a lot of work! Typical day:

Up 6.30am - 7am
Breakfast/ cleaned/ dresses/ off to nursery
DH and I both work - DH is a farmer so often works 7 days a week
5.30pm I collect DC
6pm play have fun
6.30pm start bed time routine - supper/ wash/ pj's
7.30pm - DH puts toddler to bed, I put baby to bed.
8pm to maybe 9pm - finally get baby to sleep.
Then have dinner, do some house work (laundry/ dishes etc)
Maybe watch 1 episode of something on netflix, talk to DH, relax
10.30pm - start getting ready for bed myself

I do one hobby 1 night per week where DH puts them both to bed.

Lots of children grew up without constant one to one time with their parents and turned out fine so I wouldn’t say the OP shouldn’t have a 4th for fear of not giving her youngest enough attention. Anyone raised in the 1980s and before can testify to this. This obsession with “quality time”, whatever that means, and parents being made to feel guilty if they don’t spend every waking moment making memories/turning every interaction into a teachable moment and monitoring the child’s every move is a seriously flawed modern phenomenon. I am the youngest of 4 and had to occupy myself or go out and play with friends when I was a child as our parents worked FT. We all lived to tell the tale.

All that said, OP has said she feels 3 is challenging enough so it doesn’t sound as if adding no.4 to the mix is a good idea. And it’s definitely not a good idea to have a child just so there is “more going on” at home. You are good at finding hobbies OP so find another one to fill the gap!

You don't have to have "constant" attention.
Has anyone claimed that?
Different children have different needs, mine were quite difficult teenagers and needed a lot of support. It wasn't "constant", but it wasn't easy.
Parenting seems straightforward to the OP, though.

Just imagine how your lovely family dynamic would be torn apart and destroyed if the fictitious 4th child didn't turn out right, like your first 3. Don't risk it. Enjoy what you have.

Didn't turn out right? Wtf.