To let this friendship drift?

[Rosebold]

I have been close to my friend since secondary school, we went though university together, travelled together, moved to London for a while together and in the past she felt like a soul mate. However in the past five years I've had two children, been at home with them, went to back to work and am now a very busy working mother. My friend on the other hand is married but childfree, her husband is a high earner and she hasn't had a job since she's been with him, she does work at something creative but its not something she makes a living from. Her life is all about the books she's reading, her creative projects, her self care routine etc. Essentially more like the kind of life we had in our 20's and its like she has just gone deeper into that as opposed to growing up into something more adult. Even physically she looks like she did at 25 and seems stuck at that age.

It's not that I think she's wrong or that I don't like her anymore, she's been great with my kids and always goes out of her way to make things easier for me when we meet up because I have more demands on my time. It's more that we were once so close and on the same page with everything but now we feel very far apart. She's sympathetic to the pressures I am under but she hasn't been there herself and I just feel more seen and understood with women who have more similar lives to me these days, with kids and careers.

Its also more difficult because if we meet up if I bring my kids or even one of them it limits where we go or the kids get bored and act up unlike if I meet other Mum friends we can go to the park or some other activity and our kids will play together while we chat and get coffee. It's getting to the point where if I see a message from her I am feeling a bit agitated at the pressure I feel under and I procrastinate over getting back to her and I am seeing her less and less.

I don't want to lose touch with her altogether as I think in time as she matures more we might re-find our connection but at the moment with such little free time I just prefer to share it with people who really get me and know what my life is like, it that so unreasonable?

Do you have the recipe for the nut butter energy balls by the way? Asking for a friend.

Do you not think OP that it is better for someone who doesn't want children to not have them rather than have them and regret it? Kudos to the friend for sticking with their beliefs.

I really can't think why everyone jumped to the conclusion you hate childfree and childless people 😂
You're working your way through the cliches at quite some speed though. We've had immature, now pointless lives that contribute nothing. I think you've got selfish and not knowing what real love is to go for the full set.

I so wish they had the laughing emoji still. Exactly. I didn't do what I did to get awards (luckily, because I got none) or for praise. What I did was a fact. I loved it. I have friends who have children, and others who don't. We are friends because we value what we share as people, and at others times what we don't share. My friends love to give me their kids. I like taking their kids off them and telling them all about the world and the people in it. I also like giving the kids back!

What I have learned, fwiiw, is that we are all so different. We have skin colours that are different. We value and believe different things. We speak differently. We dress differently. We manage to build resentment, envy and hatred out of the differences.

We are all the same. And "maturity" is recognising that our differences are what has made humans both the best and the worst of what we could be. I'm afraid the OP doesn't seem to be on the "+side". I was lucky to do what I loved. The friend is lucky to do what she loves. The OP for all her protestations about how valuable what she does is, seems to actually need validation for her choices. Which suggests that despite what she says she is a long way off fulfilled or "rounded".

Well this went downhill fast!

Just want to say that I would love her life, I watch a few youtubers in their 40s who are living the life, exercise, beauty, wellness, self care...I would love the time and energy to be able to give myself this life and I will when my son is a bit older.

I've never once thought that they were living like 20 year old with no responsibilities, women of any age cam treat themselves like this.

What is with this "Blessed be the fruit" shyte we are still hearing in 2025 which implies women's lives are only meaningful if we are caring for someone, be it children, older parents, in our career or volunteering. Jeezo.

You can choose your friends, of course, especially if you feel you no longer have enough in common. But your attitude to her chosen lifestyle disappoints me,
and I hope if it came up you wouldn’t make your reasons known. If I was your friend I would hate to continue the friendship if I knew that is how you felt. My child free life differs considerably to some of my closest friends who have children, I hope they don’t secretly feel this way.

I absolutely do and I'm nearly 68. I am so pleased I do nothing important - in the OPs opinion - since I have no children. Bring on the next book... Good luck with the future plans.

Exactly this. Fuck off with your handmaid energy. People still have value and contribute to the world whether they’ve spawned or not.

I think her "friend" has a right to know what she thinks. It's part of who the OP is. If the OP gets to judge her friend, maybe the friend had a right to decide whether she ever re- connects when she is "mature enough"? Personally hell would freeze over before I ever spoke to her again. But that's just me. I think she should make her reasons known. She despises her "friend".

I’m sure she thinks talking about kids and being around them all the time tedious.

So what do you talk about, other than your children ? Surely you can talk to her about your own hobbies & interests and so on ?

And to add - surely it’s nice to have friends where the friendship isn’t based on the fact that you have children ?

Maybe maturity is realising that being an adult doesn't have to involve running around like a blue arsed fly for a job that would replace you in heartbeat. Or being a mother is basically sacrificing the youth of your life whilst the father's barely changes.

Let's be fair most people who come into a lot of money would not carry on going to their jobs. So at the end of the day, you are jealous of her lifestyle.

You can end a friendship for any reason but at least be honest with yourself.

Kids may be endlessly fascinating to their parents but not to anybody else.

Few things are more boring than hearing about other people's children.

As a tax paying working mother myself, I think you sound like an awful friend! She deserves better

Yeah the more I think about it, the more I agree with you.

Omg OP (rolls eyes)

Your post really does come across judgmental and jealous. It sounds like you’re angry with your friend because her choices don’t match yours. You’ve described her as immature because she doesn’t want children, and self-indulgent because she spends time on skincare and yoga - can you imagine a woman would dare look after herself and choose not to have children (!!)

And if she doesn’t need to work, why should she? Most people would love the freedom to spend their time following a passion without worrying about money. Even bringing up the fact that she still looks 25 screams jealousy.

And just to add as you say you are being attacked by ‘women without children’, I am a mum myself, but I know being a parent doesn’t mean everyone else has to shape their life around that fact or your kids. You don’t have to take your kids everywhere you go and good on a friend who has stuck around if you have, that sounds exhausting. Your personality screams ‘mum’ which would be fine, if you weren’t so self righteous. Let your ‘friend’ live her amazing life and yes, let that friendship drift… for her sake, not yours.

I feel really sad, reading this thread @Rosebold

At first, I was just going to reply "Don't worry - just different life stages and priorities - completely normal - you'll connect again properly later if you are true friends.

But you seem to to be so much vitriol against your friend.

Who knows, her poetry may one day be published and bring happiness, comfort, spiritual meaning or laughter to those who read it. She could be the next Dylan Thomas. And if she's not, that's okay too. We are all worthy for who we are not what we are.

It sounds like she is interested in your life and children even if she can't understand the pressures that another mum might. That applies to all of us - why people often join topic related forums or groups if they have a health issue. A healthy person may not be able to understand what someone with a serious illness or disability is going through, but it's the trying to, and being there that counts.

Perhaps by looking after herself she will be able to give more to and support others more than those who are more conventionally busy. None of us knows what this life holds for us or what future challenges may bring. The more we've got in reserve, the more we have to give in those moments of crisis or need.

I don't know anyone who gave birth to children for selfless reasons or for the sake of future pensioners. It's not wrong, but it's disingenuous to suggest that choosing to have children is anything more than wanting to enrich your own life. Some people who want children choose not to for environmental reasons.

Honestly, I feel sad for you that you feel like this and sad for your friend too. She's not harming anyone.

Same.

I’ve preschool age children, and love seeing my old friends that don’t have children. You don’t sound very nice. She actually sounds great.

And does anyone actually have children just to contribute to future pensions? Also realistically I don’t think state pensions will be a thing when people of our age retire

Editing to say, sorry I meant the OP doesn’t sound too nice, not the person I quoted!

There is a slightly judgey tone to your post but I’m not going to give you a hard time about it. You’re not unreasonable, nor is she, just finding it hard to find the common ground you once had. I wouldn’t end the friendship, I’d just pick when I see her and where I see her more wisely, and perhaps see her a little less.

I personally love childfree friends - gives me an opportunity to not be a “mum” and to actually be me for a short period of time.

This has got to be a wind up post. Just don’t believe someone would openly (or otherwise) be this spiteful about a (/n imaginary) ‘friend’.

I think OP fully anticipated us all joining in with her bitching session about her mate. But I suspect the majority of us wouldn’t want to be merely reduced to the ways in which we can appropriately serve society, as determined by OP. It’s ok to be salty because she’s landed on her feet, OP, but just own it.

Friend sounds lovely, you not so much...

You'll regret it OP. I lost touch with a child free friend, it all just drifted, there was no massive falling out or anything like that. But I miss her very much and would love to see her again.