To let this friendship drift?

[Rosebold]

I have been close to my friend since secondary school, we went though university together, travelled together, moved to London for a while together and in the past she felt like a soul mate. However in the past five years I've had two children, been at home with them, went to back to work and am now a very busy working mother. My friend on the other hand is married but childfree, her husband is a high earner and she hasn't had a job since she's been with him, she does work at something creative but its not something she makes a living from. Her life is all about the books she's reading, her creative projects, her self care routine etc. Essentially more like the kind of life we had in our 20's and its like she has just gone deeper into that as opposed to growing up into something more adult. Even physically she looks like she did at 25 and seems stuck at that age.

It's not that I think she's wrong or that I don't like her anymore, she's been great with my kids and always goes out of her way to make things easier for me when we meet up because I have more demands on my time. It's more that we were once so close and on the same page with everything but now we feel very far apart. She's sympathetic to the pressures I am under but she hasn't been there herself and I just feel more seen and understood with women who have more similar lives to me these days, with kids and careers.

Its also more difficult because if we meet up if I bring my kids or even one of them it limits where we go or the kids get bored and act up unlike if I meet other Mum friends we can go to the park or some other activity and our kids will play together while we chat and get coffee. It's getting to the point where if I see a message from her I am feeling a bit agitated at the pressure I feel under and I procrastinate over getting back to her and I am seeing her less and less.

I don't want to lose touch with her altogether as I think in time as she matures more we might re-find our connection but at the moment with such little free time I just prefer to share it with people who really get me and know what my life is like, it that so unreasonable?

I can see why you would find this friendship tedious OP. If it was a man that had a high earning wife, doesn’t work at a job that earns him anything and spends all his time reading and doing face masks people would be calling him a cocklodger. I wouldn’t back totally away from the friendship as you might enjoy her company again in a few years but I’d definitely take a step back and see her more occasionally

It sounds like she tries to relate to the way your life is different to hers, eg trying to fit in around your kids, but it doesn’t work both ways. You do sound a bit judgmental. Withdraw from her if you want, but I think you’ll end up missing her. A lot of mum friends are only friends while it’s convenient, eg kids in the same class, and will drift away once that connection is gone. This friend has made an effort to remain your friend despite your lives not really meshing at the moment. Personally I’d value that over the friends who are just more convenient to fit into your life right now.

Thank you for your service, @PhilippaGeorgiou

I have also spent my life in service of children and families despite not having my own, in situations that required reserves of patience most people would not be able to duplicate. A significant part of my life was spent working with families and I have seen and worked with the effects of far, far too many really shit parents. Many of whom would tell you how great they were.

As for her not working @Rosebold, as others are stating, she is not taking any benefits. And you mentioned she works at something creative. Are you saying she dodges taxes too?

Have you heard yourself?! Jealousy and bitterness is what this is about- good on her for living her life the way she (probably) wants. You sound like a bore and she’ll do well to be rid of you.

Exactly! I think a lot of people are really not being honest with themselves about how they would actually see this kind of person or how they would feel about them.

OP you’re entitled to your opinion, of course, but what your ex-friend does or doesn’t do with her education is none of your business. Let the friendship drift - it’s already dead in the water

Kindly, it sounds like you could be envious of her life. The way you talk about her not growing up in to something more adult after you talk about her lifestyle which is a lot simpler than yours. Don't lose a good friend through envy, she sounds lovely.

Why do you care? How are you contributing to the world? By having kids and working to pay your bills?

"Essentially more like the kind of life we had in our 20's and its like she has just gone deeper into that as opposed to growing up into something more adult. Even physically she looks like she did at 25 and seems stuck at that age."

She absolutely does.

The distain is pouring out now. "This kind of person" indeed.

Yes I do contribute though raising the next generation, through my taxes and through the line of work I do.

What does this mean?

Right?! OP can't be that oblivious about how she actually feels about this woman in her heart, I don't know that the purpose of posting in the first place was.

Well, there is a lack of honesty here for sure but not quite in the way you think. Given the majority of this thread, it is not just the worthless childless women who can see you are cross eyed with jealousy about this woman and desperately needing to feel better than her.

Re: your original question? Let it drift. Do her a favour.

It is not compulsory to live a life of martyrdom and drudgery in order to keep up appearances for other people; you have chosen to do so. Nobody is going to think you’re very special and making a wonderful contribution to the world just because you work and have kids. Most people don’t spend their time pondering whether their friends are good enough for them, they’re just happy that they’re living a great life.

My 3rd child left home last year and I now spend all of my spare time doing hobbies, including yoga. I read for hours every single day. I treat myself to fancy skincare and I go for massages. I joined a health club. Am I allowed to do that because I’ve brought kids up, or am I an immature 50 year old who is terribly inferior to you?

Now you just sound rather bitter.

Your taxes won’t be as much as you’ve taken out of the system by having two children. You do your job for the pay. And you’ve got no idea if your children will be valuable contributors to the next generation, or if they’ll meet someone rich and spend their time doing their hobbies.

But how do you know for sure that she isn’t struggling with her health? Maybe she can’t actually have kids, so perhaps it’s not a choice that she doesn’t have them?

Maybe she’s worried about working due to a past bad experience, or doesn’t have a great CV so can’t actually secure a job?

perhaps she does not have a supportive partner? Plenty of men, see themselves as the breadwinner.

Ultimately you come across as frenemies so it’s not like you’re going to be her primary confidant. You’re pissy that she isn’t contributing to society by working - but that isn’t the same as claiming benefits and being economically inactive. If she’s completely funding her own lifestyle, then what’s the issue? She’s harmless.

@Merkins My 3rd child left home last year and I now spend all of my spare time doing hobbies, including yoga. I read for hours every single day. I treat myself to fancy skincare and I go for massages. I joined a health club. Am I allowed to do that because I’ve brought kids up, or am I an immature 50 year old who is terribly inferior to you?

Don't suppose you'd fancy a 4th child? If so then please adopt me because your lifestyle sounds amazing.

Sounds to me like OP would be doing her 'friend' a favour by letting this friendship drift. Her posts are dripping with judgment and resentment and I think that she is the one with some 'maturing' to do.

I think you'll find that she pays taxes too. And the fact that she is not taking up any school places, subsidises your precious children's school places.

You sound completely insufferable. I absolutely advise you to cut her off, for her sake.

I feel exactly the same - she will be far better off without a superior judgemental friend looking down on her for her perfectly valid life choices. Ditch her for her own good, she deserves better friends than you!

I aspire to this when my 3 have left home!

I think you have to either let her drift, or if you want to keep her friendship, you can suggest to her things that would make life easier for you, like sitting on a park bench for a coffee and a chat while your kids play. Might take the pressure off when she messages you.

However the plan to drop her and then maybe pick her back up again one day is really not very nice and makes you sound quite selfish.

Is this for real or is it a disguised argument that we should all be having more kids to pay for future pensions?
Seems a bit odd and Handmaid’s Tale-ish?
Friend (if she exists) sounds lovely and good fun.