To end marriage due to step children

[HP200]

Probably will be flamed but here goes ….
DH has 2 DC- DD17 and DS13. DD does not visit the house but will tag along on mine and his hobby at the weekend, she will ask and be collected and dropped back at her request. When with us she will chat and be polite (isn’t much help with the hobby 🤣) but is getting grumpy that she can’t actually do the hobby as what we have is not suitable / safe for her.
DH birthday is the day after his DD and I messaged both his children inviting them out for a meal to celebrate both read message and ignored and didn’t even wish him happy birthday.
His DS comes minimum EOW (and whenever else he wants) and will not speak to me at all the whole time. DH has spoken to him time and time again and he states there is not an issue but it’s the same blank stare and no reply every time I talk to him and I feel uncomfortable when he is here and that I can’t relax in my own home. DH thinks it’s fine but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own house and he clearly hates me regardless of what he tells his dad.
we have been together 9 years and parents were separated when we meet due to his mum having an affair so I didn’t end the relationship or anything

I think you would be doing these poor kids a favour if you ended the marriage.

I'm confused... if you have the children all together EOW (yours and step kids) where is your son while you are at the yard all day Sat?

The issue here is that his patents are not co-parenting.

it’s ridiculous. He has two parents they should be communicating about his behaviour. How is he at his mums has she noticed his behaviour ?

can there be consistent consequences or can she have a chat and vice versa. Would he benefit from chatting to a professional. Would he benefit from them all chatting with a professional together??

yes the relationship ended but there doesn’t need to be radio silence between his two parents when he clearly is acting up

I wonder how civil you would be if you were taken from your family and made to live with a random person.

It does sound a bit shit for everybody.

You would not be unreasonable to leave if this really cant be sorted. It's a shame if you and your H really love eachother but God, teens are hard enough when they're your own, can't imagine what it would be like to take this from other teens.

Could you move out but not split up?

Another mystery hobby

This doesn’t really fly though. Our competition ponies are on a yard just like this, however I could buy a kick along cob and pay livery for it - and while it would be a bit out of place, nobody would stop me. So you could resolve it but obviously that would cost a chunk of money, which you don’t seem to be prepared to spend on her.

You want to leave the marriage because you don’t feel comfortable in your own home EOW plus the other occasions they come.

When do they have the opportunity to feel comfortable in their own home? They have to deal with you at their dad’s and they have to deal with him at their mum’s. One of the joys with just having to deal with your own parents is that you can just relax and don’t have to live up to a set of standards set by someone who doesn’t love you.

Agree. It sounds like the riding isn’t really an issue here - with more info about the SS’s hobby of racing it seems like the father does spend some time with him alone doing what he likes. But OP is considering leaving the marriage because DH isn’t standing up for her as she’d like, yet the 13 year old boy has no choice but to live with adults he doesn’t know and perhaps doesn’t feel comfortable with.

And how would you stop him ignoring her? What would be the carrot and/or stick?

Those poor kids. Parents should be the ones hanging around and helping the kids with the kids' hobbies, not the other way around.

Why? The OPs son is happy with regular lessons, he doesn't want his own horse because he doesn't want the slog of looking after horses in winter. Fair enough.
The SD isn't really interested in riding or she'd take up her Dad's offer of lessons. She's tagging along to events and is being dazzled by all the jazz - but all that takes years of hard slog and she's not interested in that.
I wouldn't be downgrading my competition horse to one a total beginner could ride either.

Also this. At some point DH has to parent and not pretend to have been outsmarted by a child for an easy life.

bring up every time. Correct it every time. He doesn’t need to be chatty be basic manners expected. You don’t get to be rude to people when you are in a bad mood. And if you are you apologise and self correct. It’s DHs role to teach him how to behave and become a decent adult.

Still end up at the same place don't we? The kids not being all that interested isn't justification for spending so much time and money on stuff that actively excludes them. It's not remotely reasonable to go all or nothing with an expensive hobby and them blame the teenagers they barely see as it is. The adults must be the ones compromising and making the effort!

Then why not just pay for riding lessons for them? To be honest they sound like very unhappy children.

Have you considered the possibility that your stepson may be neurodivergent? You have mentioned his blank expression and his difficulty with social communication?

He hasn't been taken from his family & forced to live with random people!

He lives with his mum & visits his dad whenever he wants - as do millions of kids. His step mum & step brother have been in his life for 9yrs! Stop being so dramatic. He can still say hello & have some basic manners - that's all she's asking!

I wouldn't put up with anyone in my house not talking to me so that alone would have me running.

Either your husband sells his horse and buys one that's more suitable for DD to ride or he doesn't ride his horse when DD is around and instead spends time with her doing whatever she wants to do.

I don't know what you do about the step son, but that should be your husband's problem to solve. Both these kids sound quite unhappy but it does seem their needs are coming last and are being treated as an inconvenience by both of you. "Tag along" just shows annoyance and disdain.

Yes, that’s what she’s explained in the post you’ve quoted.

You knew there were children in the picture when you married this man. But if the marriage falls apart, it'll be their fault?

Uh?

He lost his family and now has to live with a random woman half the time and a random man half the time. He had no say in any of this. I don't think you would smile and nod politely if someone was moved into your house.

Step son is rude and his dad is leaving it unchecked.

When he asked him outside why he didn't answer and he said I didn't think they were talking to me, he should of said of course you were talking to him and made him go back in and say goodbye.

Plus he should have said bye when he left anyway!

I'd be considering leaving this marriage too. I wouldn't be married to someone who was this wet of a parent or a life partner.

You can choose the option to just read all of the OP’s posts. I think it would be helpful for you.