To end marriage due to step children

[HP200]

Probably will be flamed but here goes ….
DH has 2 DC- DD17 and DS13. DD does not visit the house but will tag along on mine and his hobby at the weekend, she will ask and be collected and dropped back at her request. When with us she will chat and be polite (isn’t much help with the hobby 🤣) but is getting grumpy that she can’t actually do the hobby as what we have is not suitable / safe for her.
DH birthday is the day after his DD and I messaged both his children inviting them out for a meal to celebrate both read message and ignored and didn’t even wish him happy birthday.
His DS comes minimum EOW (and whenever else he wants) and will not speak to me at all the whole time. DH has spoken to him time and time again and he states there is not an issue but it’s the same blank stare and no reply every time I talk to him and I feel uncomfortable when he is here and that I can’t relax in my own home. DH thinks it’s fine but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own house and he clearly hates me regardless of what he tells his dad.
we have been together 9 years and parents were separated when we meet due to his mum having an affair so I didn’t end the relationship or anything

3 of my 4 DSCs were like this and it took a while to get better. It’s much better now they are mid-20s to early 30s and have experienced heartbreaks and life in general. The youngest was always fine with me, which was a blessing as I could rationalise that it wasn’t me, per se.

My own DCs are older and had left home by the time I married my SDCs father. However, they helped me understand their step-siblings perspective. Mostly:

• how inconvenient it is to have divorced parents with new partners
• how you crave 1-2-1 time with your parent, rather than seeing them with their new partners/spouse hanging around all the time.
• having to remember different rules for different houses
• being more worried about upsetting your parents, so it’s just easier to be rude/inconsiderate to the step-parent as you don’t care about their feelings as much
• wanting to know your parents still care about you, so getting regular texts (not voicemails or annoying telephone calls) from them are a big deal, even if you don’t reply (coz only old people bother with replies!?)
• not wanting to play happy families with anyone, even if your parents were still together - you just want to be with your mates (ironic contradiction with point 2!)

So, armed with this info, I made sure they had 1-2-1 time regularly with their Dad. I used the excuse of visiting my ailing father. For a couple of years I’d leave them to it and spend Xmas with my family. (It took all the emotional load away from me and I left them to have their type of Xmas with their Dad).

I did nag my DH about sending regular texts plus reminded him about getting gifts and cards for birthdays and major life events. I didn’t get them for him, he did, but I did remind him. It took some time before he ‘got’ how important this was, as he’s someone who isn’t the slightest interested in birthdays and presents. He also said he couldn’t see the point in sending texts for the sake of it when they never replied. But now he realises how important that is, because his kids have said how much it meant to them to know he had thought of them and was just checking in regularly.

Oh my giddy aunt, why do people not read the OPs posts before posting? OP's son does have riding lessons, he's happy having lessons, doesn't want a horse.

The 17-year old SD has been offered riding lessons, but has refused. So she's not that bothered is she?

"I remember my stepdaughter when she was 13. It’s an awful age, they’re a seething mass of hormones. The good news is it’s only temporary and they grow out of it. It’s ridiculous to contemplate ending a good marriage because a stepchild is in typical teenager mode."

But is it a good marriage?

Wrong.

She said "she was offered lessons BY her dad but won’t go there due to my son riding there..."

"But" was a typo for "by"! 🙄obviously.

DD WAS offered lessons BY HER DAD at the same stable OP's son goes to (which is now the ONLY suitable stable in the area) but DD REFUSED this offer because DD did not want to go to the same stable as OP's son.

Get DD on a horse btw. You dont need to buy a horse or pay livery. Just get lessons. But if she doesn’t ride then there is no point in her tagging along to clean up horses. Find something else that is just her and her dad.

13 is an awkward age. All your examples just sound like typical, no clue 13 year old boy world to me.
I have had one of these 13 year old step boy children in my life and I remember it well. It is demoralizing OP. It really is but you have to detach emotionally. Sorry but otherwise you become trapped in it and a teenager rules the mood of the house.

Step back. Change your energy. Do more for you! Encourage your husband to actively parent in a way that gives you space. And also, take up room in that space. 13 year old doesn’t answer you, stares blankly… “oh well, all the best, cheerio…”. You have to show it doesn’t make a difference to you, that you’re the same regardless. It shows you are consistent, present and reliable.

The DSD is not necessarily a difficult kid at all. Most children wants to have a relationship with their parents, the ones that don't have chosen that because their parent is shit in one way or another. She isn't blaming her SM for that, she is just not interested in spending time with her dad and he is clearly not very interested in being a part of her life either. It's really odd that you blame the lack of relationship on the children rather than the parent who has chosen to spend barely any time with them at all.

They have been given 1 on 1 time, DSD has refused for the last year though but DSS has still been given this time as has my own child. We have both had long weekend city breaks with our children, gone for day trips, meals out as he knew early on this would be happening so we made sure both sides get the same

A few PP have suggested that yes maybe SD is not that interested in horses but wanting to spend time with her dad. You mention also that she "gives" more time to your son and you also say she is not really the problem... And you are very busy with son's hobby and horses at the weekends. She sounds to me like she is trying to fit and and make herself useful but is maybe at the back of the queue.

It's not your problem to solve, but if your husband could find a way to spend a bit more time with her one to one that could really help and diffuse the horse thing. The obvious suggestion at 17 is driving practice. It is a really good way to show a 17 year old you care, and it's a lot cheaper than meals out. My husband and daughter have really bonded over it despite the stresses involved.

I rarely post. Will try to get to the point.

1. I get Op is ‘tired’ of being ignored in own home EOW. Anyone of us would reach that point, after 3 years.
2. Howver, DH is hands off.
3. to me, many people in op’s position would find something else to do and leave DH and dss to it. Indeed, who knows, maybe that’s what dss craves.
4. again to me, many DHs would demand ds goes back in and replies to you when he is made aware you were talking to him.
5. my question for op is, why is neither 3 +4 not happening?
6. is it be cause BOTH op and DH don’t care for this marriage?
7. how is the marriage otherwise?
8. i agree DSD and your son are nothing to complain about.
9. @HP200

I would carry on as normal when he is there, not pay him too much attention and just say bye when he is leaving, he is getting a kick out of rebuffing your friendliness / efforts, I think he might come round when he thinks you don’t really give a damn whether you like him or not….maybe he will learn some manners in the coming years….I wouldn’t let it break up your marriage if h uk our marriage is otherwise good

I think DSD has cottoned on that her dad is a disney dad at best, but he is never going to put her needs above his own. She clearly resents her dad but she is probably also confused about her emotions and that's why she keeps trying to involve herself at least a little bit, but I think ultimately, she has been very hurt in the past about her dad's disinterest in making her an integral part of his life.

OP, he is a weak man who landed on his feet. I can understand the attraction to you but honestly cannot see why you would tolerate such behaviour in your home.
Unfathomable to me.

I find fascinating how some people focus completely on the house being OP home, that house was first and foremost of the stepchildren, but hey, fuck them right? After all as many made clear it's OP home, so the children need to be punished!

And obviously a shitty father punishing troubled children because the stepmother said so surely will only improve everything instead of backfiring right? After all as long as she gets her deserved "respect" there's no need to address the children feelings and what made them feel like that

OP has a husband problem? The children have a father and a stepmother problem

I can only imagine how many people here later have low contact with their children and don't know why...

So I have a different take on this. Something about teen boys is that some of them are really misogynistic. Three years ago your stepson got a new step dad. That's when all this started. Presumably given you had been in your stepson's life since he was small up until this point the relationship was ok? I'd be interested to know what the relationship between the stepdad and the children's mother is like? If the step dad is modelling poor treatment of the children's mum then your step son could in turn be treating you with the same rudeness he sees at home.

It sounds like his relationship with his own sister is also a little problematic if he is still at 13 resorting to potentially being aggressive with her. He'll no doubt be stronger than her even if he is younger.

I wouldn't end the marriage immediately but I would be demanding that DH insists on you being treated respectfully. I have three children and I insist on being treated respectfully. Both DH and I are on the same page for this and if any child in our house speaks disrespectfully to us they are pulled up on it. Same with their interactions with their siblings. It is perfectly possible even with teenagers. You can still discuss any problems or issues it just doesn't need to involve lots of rudeness.

So your DH needs to pull him up on his poor treatment of you every single time. His behaviour needs to be acknowledged as rude and unacceptable. If there is a problem he can sit and chat about it. I would encourage your DH to do so, obviously when you're not there. But day to day he should be speaking to everyone respectfully and that includes you and his sister.

It is tedious parenting teens but I think it's a slippery slope as soon as you accept the poor behaviour once it gets more engrained and harder to challenge. Often its easier to ignore it but that's not good for anyone. If your DH is a Disney dad or just lazy he might just prefer to ignore it all.

How well does your DH get on with the children's mum because if they can they should be talking about this. How is your DS communicating with her and their stepdad? I also think this age is when they can get sucked in by the likes of Andrew Tate so I would also be questioning what he's getting up to online.

OP is the problem ultimately that you feel disrespected by your DH, given that he doesn't immediately step in when he hears his DS disrespecting you? Because that's how I'd feel in your shoes.

So I'd leave it to DH to deal with them when they're fighting, you just try to zone out any arguments. But he does need to keep dealing with them - in other words he needs to parent them, consistently.

Teenage siblings do very often fight like cats and dogs, they will hopefully grow out of that.

As for his DD, at 17 she's nearly an adult, soon she will just want to be with her friends, so I wouldn't stress too much about her.

The problem really is your DH isn't it? He hasn't stepped up and I think you feel disappointed at that. I'd give him an ultimatum - he starts parenting his kids, challenges bad manners every time, thinks of things to occupy them, as how things are right now isn't working.

That's of course if you actually want to stay married to him? I can imagine you're weary of all the drama and thinking of how nice it'd be to have your house back and some peace and quiet! TBH I wouldn't blame you.

Because she’s an adult?

No no no, see, that's a 4D chess move, the stepson already dislikes her, her burning the bridge altogether will make him for a 180, start liking and and magically make this a happy family

Obviously that advice could never backfire

Pure genius really

Any chance the boys Mum has been saying negative things about you to him? Perhaps he feels it would be a betrayal to her if he got closer to you?

I bet he behaves the same way to his Mums partner.

But why now given that the OP has been in his life for years and years. Surely the behaviour would have started younger given small kids are terrible liars.

Being an adult doesn’t mean she has to keep talking to a 13yo step son when he keeps ignoring her. He wants to be silent, let him.

Running around after a 13yo step son who ignores you as if you don’t even exist is not going to make him respect her or talk to her. Sometimes it’s better to ignore them back. A step-mum upthread has explained this worked well for her. But you obviously think step-mums exist to put their needs last.

That's not what you said though, to quote the relevant part:

"Don’t cook for him, let DH cook for him. Don’t do his washing or lifts or anything."

That's way beyond not try talking to him cause he stays quiet

She's not just an adult, but his stepmother, by doing what else you said she's not only being a shitty stepmother, but also even more immature and petty than the child in the situation

As an adult you're supposed to know better than a child

Your advice boils down to escalate a bad situation when as a supposed adult you should try to do the opposite

It's ok if she doesn't want around him, but as I already replied before that's not what you told her to do

On reading the thread this is quite sad. Although at no point we have been ever the perfect family, we always found time for our DCs and listen to their interests and wishes. Weekends revolved around their interests and not ours. It is a short time in their lives.

my DCs are grown up now and although sometimes grumpy with us as teens appreciate that we listened and let them explore their interests .

Perhaps you need to think about your role in the family dynamic

Eh? I did write that and I stand by that. Why are you acting like I’m not?

He has a dad, why do you think step-mums need to take on cooking and washing and lifts? He has a dad!