To end marriage due to step children

[HP200]

Probably will be flamed but here goes ….
DH has 2 DC- DD17 and DS13. DD does not visit the house but will tag along on mine and his hobby at the weekend, she will ask and be collected and dropped back at her request. When with us she will chat and be polite (isn’t much help with the hobby 🤣) but is getting grumpy that she can’t actually do the hobby as what we have is not suitable / safe for her.
DH birthday is the day after his DD and I messaged both his children inviting them out for a meal to celebrate both read message and ignored and didn’t even wish him happy birthday.
His DS comes minimum EOW (and whenever else he wants) and will not speak to me at all the whole time. DH has spoken to him time and time again and he states there is not an issue but it’s the same blank stare and no reply every time I talk to him and I feel uncomfortable when he is here and that I can’t relax in my own home. DH thinks it’s fine but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own house and he clearly hates me regardless of what he tells his dad.
we have been together 9 years and parents were separated when we meet due to his mum having an affair so I didn’t end the relationship or anything

@HP200

I'm going to make some guesses and please correct me if I am wrong.

You are a woman of means. You've been financially independent for a long time.

You own the house and your DH moved in with you. He was living in rented accommodation when you met.

Are you paying the lions share of maintaining the horses?

I suspect the resentment of the kids being disrespectful might be more linked to how much you've done for their father and the sort of blended family he suggested you might have. Happy to be wrong but just an educated guess.

What would a split of assets look like?

mmm I thought similar. Its a familiar story on here "The Blended Family That Didn't Work" OP I am not going to tell you whether to divorce or not but have you made clear to your husband how bad you feel? Did you meet through your shared hobby? how will it work if you both continue to use the same stables?

I think you need to try not to take it so personally.

He is a 13 year old child and it's supposed to be his home. A lot of 13 year olds are ungrateful.and rude, it's a normal part of their development, albeit an unpleasant one, just like toddler tantrums are also totally normal, a lot of teenagers are dickheads a good portion of the time.

That's not to say he should get away with rudeness unchallenged, but that's up to your husband. If you want to end your marriage then that's up to you, but to blame a teenager for being a teenager for that is incredibly unfair.

I don't think you are leaving the marriage because of the DSC but because of your DH.
He has not risen to parenting his children well. He has allowed them to behave as tgeg please towards you with no consequences.
If you still value you relationship, I would give him an ultimatum...he has had years to sort this out and hasn't so he either does now or he can leave with his DC.

It's not suitable for her OWN child either who obviously does want to ride as he's doing lessons.

In regards to finances and house you are completely right. I don’t expect the kids to be grateful or understand the money side but just some basic manners- if DH is at work and I am off they are always invited to day trips, activities etc all holidays are family including everyone, birthdays etc everyone has the exact some amount spend

If your step daughter is interested enough to go with you to the stable and help with caring for them, I think it's pretty mean of you both not to encourage her, by facilitating riding lessons or a suitable horse. She sounds OK, I don't see a lot of my 17 year old granddaughter now, as she is pulling away from family and going out with friends, if she had an interest in something I was doing I would be very keen to encourage it.
Your stepson sounds as if he is struggling, but if the worst he is doing is not speaking, I think I would learn to live with that. Unless the marriage is bad in some other way I think YABU.

Then I hate to say it but he saw you coming. Sorry to be blunt but it's probably true.

He's an ineffective parent to his own children but expects you to provide a certain lifestyle for him. I think deep down this might be the thing that is niggling at you and the kids are just a symptom.

The reality is that the majority of blended families don't work. Don't beat yourself up over it but equally don't keep your DS in a situation that is not a positive environment for him.

Please tell us you have protected yourself financially. The house, the assets etc.

I think you're probably right in your instincts to split and probably best to do it sooner rather than later. The longer the marriage goes on the more claim he will have on your assets.

Get some legal advice and see where you stand.

All finances are protected and were agreed via solicitor prior to him moving into my home and again prior to getting married as this is my second marriage so I was not being caught a second time so what he is ‘entitled’ to would be an easy divide which would impact him hugely day to day but me not so much

He has also said he doesn’t want to take care of a horse.

That's good. So many on here don't take those steps and come a cropper.

Have a good hard think about how this will play out over the next 10 years and how it will impact your own son.

This situation doesn't sound like it's going to get better if I'm honest. He's not going to suddenly start being a good dad as he's focused on his own needs not those of his children or you. Your DS will be collateral damage in this and personally that's not something I would put up with. The kids are not getting anything positive out of this situation and you are not happy.

His horse, is it owned by you or him? if you were to split would it become his? is he seeing that as a personal financial investment for himself?

Marriage is (hopefully) for the long term.
Do you want to spend your retirement with this man? Do you want to live with him for many, many decades into old age?
If you say "yes, definitely", then stick it out - the DC will hopefully have all left home in about ten years.
If you have any hesitation in saying "yes", that shows there are problems between you and him. Have you lost respect for him?
Loss of respect is the death of a relationship. It might be better to end it if that is the case.

Don't throw away a good marriage because of children - they will leave in time.
But check your feelings for him - is it still a good marriage?

I hadn't read the full thread, about the dsd and the horse situation, so on that you are not being unreasonable at all, and it sounds as if all is going well between you and her.
I think teenage boys are often difficult to understand, and his situation is a hard one. It might help him to talk to someone outside of the situation. He has no-one that he can safely blame for his life being disrupted and you are the one he has the least attachment to, so you get the silent treatment. My grandson is 14 and can be surly, not much conversation, just grunts and shrugs, he has friends who visit with him who have never actually spoken to me.

No I wouldn't end a marriage over this. There's obviously some changes that need to be made and as their dad, dh needs to be taking the lead. He's the one I'd be speaking with - he's too passive.

Where is dss when you, dh and dsd are looking after the horses?
Have you ever gone racing with dss?

I find sometimes boys are much deeper thinkers than girls, I understand how trying and hurtful this must be, lots of boys his age are like this with their own parents, so try not to take it so personally. He could feel that he is missing out, being side-lined, life's not fair etc. etc. totally not true, but try telling that to my middle sister : )
It could be that he's feeling like the middle child in your household, time and persistence may win out, if you want to stick it out.
I think only addressing him with open questions, a cheery goodbye with no expectation of a reply and a chin up 'your not getting to me' attitude may help.
Good luck op, I do hope for all of you this turns a corner sooner rather than later.

Good. Honestly it sounds like you’ve provided a lot for him and your stepchildren, yet you’re expected to just suck up being made to feel uncomfortable in your own home. That he isn’t seriously tackling this is hugely disrespectful to you.

You’ve given your stepdaughter every opportunity to pursue horse-riding, and it’s not your fault that she’s declined. I would stop taking her to the yard tbh, as I doubt her attitude is making it a pleasant experience for you there either.

Life is short, and in your position I wouldn’t be willing to live like this any more than I already had done.

I am struggling to see the issue - so your DSD is fine, but gets a bit grumpy as she cannot ride your horse yet. And your DSS’s behaviour change is linked to a major life event 3 years ago? Plus he sounds like a fairly typical teenager.

He clearly feels very uncomfortable in your home, he probably doesn’t feel all that great at his Mums either- has he had support, counselling etc? Is there a problem with the step Dad?

What hobbies does he and his Dad do together? Whats his thing with his Dad that he can have ‘him’ time - and whilst I agree he should not be rude - his behaviour isn’t dreadful!

Is this a DH issue? could he have supported this lad (he is still a child) better? What else
can he now do to help him adjust? He has clearly not parented particularly well but in the middle of this is a 13 year old who is behaving in a way, for a reason.

she was offered lessons but her dad but won’t go there due to my son riding there.

Op explained dad was typo here. Anyways ‘but her dad but won’t go’ clearly makes no sense.. so no point basing any strong opinion on a clearly mistyped sentence.

Op updated that SDD won’t go to that school because OP’s son has been doing the activity for 3 years and much advanced and jumps, so SDD does not want to be there.

There are some kids who are difficult. There could be many reasons for that. Maybe on this case there is some childhood trauma due to parents separating but OP’s SDD seems like one of difficult kids. And blaming a step parent is not going to change that.

1. She does not want to visit her dad’s home.
2. She does not want to see father outside home.
3. She does not want to go to any activity with father or op or both
4. She only wants to tag along on this activity.
5. She joined a riding school but decided to leave after 6 months as it was too much.
6. No wants to join again, that school has shut down and only 2 are working hour long distance and one of them is where OP’s son go but she does not want to go.

Also, it really doesn’t matter what anyone else would do. What would be the right decision for someone else isn’t automatically going to be the right decision for you.

Think about what you want, if you’re not happy and you want to end the marriage then do. You don’t need anyone else’s approval or permission to make that decision.

HRFT but this is good advice. I also have 13 year old DSS and my circumstances are very similar to yours, been with DH a decade and he was split with DSS mum when we met.

Ages 4-10 I would have said DSS and I were close. At 13 he acts likes he hates me, barely speaks and can be very moody. I sometimes get frustrated with how uncomfortable it feels.

But I hold on to the fact that’s it’s a moment in time and it will pass, and we will have that relationship again at some point. It’s a teenage thing.

I think your DH could be a better parent to his kids. I am reading that his needs come first.

This is in no way a criticism but I think you might need to approach this differently.

rather than ‘you’re rude’, try something more like ‘I’ve noticed that you’re quiet around me, is there anything I can do? I know you’ve had a lot of upheaval and it’s tough.’ Then maybe ‘shall we go to XXX and get a hot chocolate (or whatever is appealing to a 13yr old) and try to get to know him. Chat about school/football/his interests/mates/music. I know it’ll be tough and he may refuse but keep reaching out. He’s still a really young child. I have DSC and found things tough but I forced myself to be interested in what they were. They were a lot younger at the time but playing Uno was my in.

Fair enough I missed that. I still find it odd their own dad wouldn't ensure his own horse is rideable when his dd is clearly interested though. But it seems the issue here is in fact the dh and not the op or the dc.

Unfortunately dss didn't pick you. His dad did. So if he doesn't like you, then what can be done about it? I mean, if I don't like someone, I can't force it. Maybe he's the same? You need to either try and develop a relationship with the dss separate from your relationship with your dp, to tty form some common ground, or leave. There's no alternative. He's part if the family I'm afraid whether you like it or not.

I always just can't helping thinking it must be SO hard for kids in this situation. Dad's home isn't really theirs, its his girlfriend/wife's, she often has her own kids who live there with their dad most of the time.

If they want to be at see Dad his wife is always there, they never get a weekend where its just them without you. A lot of the time children just want to imagine divorce/separation has never happened, and the always there step mum is a harsh reminder of reality that they just have zero desire to accept. Yes its shit for you but its worse for them.