To end marriage due to step children

[HP200]

Probably will be flamed but here goes ….
DH has 2 DC- DD17 and DS13. DD does not visit the house but will tag along on mine and his hobby at the weekend, she will ask and be collected and dropped back at her request. When with us she will chat and be polite (isn’t much help with the hobby 🤣) but is getting grumpy that she can’t actually do the hobby as what we have is not suitable / safe for her.
DH birthday is the day after his DD and I messaged both his children inviting them out for a meal to celebrate both read message and ignored and didn’t even wish him happy birthday.
His DS comes minimum EOW (and whenever else he wants) and will not speak to me at all the whole time. DH has spoken to him time and time again and he states there is not an issue but it’s the same blank stare and no reply every time I talk to him and I feel uncomfortable when he is here and that I can’t relax in my own home. DH thinks it’s fine but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own house and he clearly hates me regardless of what he tells his dad.
we have been together 9 years and parents were separated when we meet due to his mum having an affair so I didn’t end the relationship or anything

Its definitely concerning it's happened around the same time yet no one seems to have had any concern about this during the last three years. That's so sad.

Why does your DH have a very expensive high level inaccessible thoroughbred horse that commands a lot of his time and that nobody else can get near?

Strange life choice for a father with two children unless it’s his profession. He should have sold the horse when he got divorced so his kids could get his attention instead.

Of course at least one of the two horses should be suitable for novices. What sort of parents buy two horses that take up so much time and money but that their children can't use? Just stupid and selfish.

It’s not normal for a child to completely ignore his step-mother and not answer her at all.

But OP should ignore him right back if that’s what he wants.

OP is not their parent, it’s not her job to buy a horse suitable for her step-children.

I had guessed scuba diving 😂

Husband and wife have a hobby they share but can't involve any of their 3 shared children. This is the sort of thing you do when your kids grow up, so you can be there for them while they're growing up.

For example, my husband and myself share a hobby, very big and powerful motorbikes. Of course, these wouldn't be at all suitable for our children. Which is why we didn't have this hobby until they were adults.

Being a parent does mean putting your life on hold. That's the deal. The kids always come first. And if they're being little shits, then you try and understand that behaviour and correct the behaviour with love.

That's why I said "parents" not step mum. And OPs child can't ride her horse either, so yes it is her job too. There's two adults, two horses and 3 kids being excluded to varying extents. Poor parenting all round.

I dont really see why they have to "tag along " though .Surely PP said there should be a horse she can ride ? I know nothing about them ,but surely teenagers can and do ride .Otherwise maybe think of something else to do for her .The DS is 13 and mostly they grunt at that age!He is only coming along some of the the time though .It doesnt sound like he is very happy .He was quite young when his parents split and he already has a Stepdad as well.Maybe DH could take him out alone?

I don’t think she is interested at all. She goes with them because that appears to be the only way to get to spend time with her father.

The OP has explained this in some detail.

But it's not a real explanation. More of a series of excuses rather than finding a workable solution for all.

So roughly around the time teenage hormones kicked in, I would ignore his moody, non verbal nonsense and carry on as normal, I definitely wouldn’t let a 13yo boy intimidate me or make me feel uncomfortable ….he’s a child

These kids father choosing to live full time with someone else's 13 year old child, while his own kids are merely occasional visitors 4 days a month. That's going to cause huge resentment and abandonment issues in those kids.

How did he think that was in his kids best interests?

You said parents to refer to OP and her DH. She is not DSC’s parent.

And OPs child can't ride her horse either, so yes it is her job too.

OP has said her son does not want the commitment of caring for one especially in winter.

I don’t give a about what people think

She is a parent, she has a child too. Why are you being (wrongly) obtuse?
Two horses, neither of which any of the children can use. What sense does that make? They don't need to buy each child a horse, just common sense would dictate that one of the family horses should be suitable for the 3 children.
This all or nothing attitude is really weird and unique to horsey people and I feel sorry for the kids dragged along for the ride with little consideration.

As long as the couples are loved up that's all that matters eh?

This all seems very insular. If I understand right DSS spends all Sunday with his Dad (each week or alternatively). So DSD never sees her Dad on a Sunday.

DSD spends some Sat mornings at the yard helping muck out the horses. Which is your hobby not hers. She can't join in there and then with riding. If she doesn't want to do the horse care she cant see her dad all weekend.

Meanwhile what is DSS doing on the Sat? Presumably entirety left out?

The whole setup seems really isolating for all the children.

Leave if you want to. If you want to stay, that's fine too. It is what it is.

If you read the OP's posts, that's not at all the case - she actively encourages time 1:1 with his dad, welcomes him into her home, despite his appalling treatment of her & he gets on well with her son. Obviously, he's probably not enjoying his living situation, but that's absolutely not OP's fault & she's simply asking for some basic level of respectful communication - that's all. He doesn't get to be appallingly rude just because his parents split up.

OP, you said here that “my son is at his dads when step children at with their mum”.
Does that mean your own son only joins you and your DH EOW as well?
I’m not judging, just trying to work out the dynamic, as (like others have pointed out) if your own son is with your DH more than his own kids are then that could understandably lead to them feeling resentful towards their dad.

How long ago did you buy the horses and start spending all Sat there?

Its never going to be easy. Your dh isnt even a part time dad. It sounds like he has hardly lived with them let alone seen them on a daily basis. So relationships are always going to be strained.
Is all weekend every weekend about the horses ?
They probably take any frustration about him out on you . And blame you.

Also - how long has DSS been spending all Sundays racing, and was DSD involved in the decision that she wouldn't be able to see her Dad on a Sunday any more?