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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to write this guy off our first night together?

467 replies

KookySnail · 25/08/2025 01:02

I’m considering c

OP posts:
Original poster
KookySnail · 29/08/2025 00:00

Thanks ladies you’re too kind 😘

Yes the texts are ridiculous aren’t they. Would it have killed him to put enough effort in to write full sentences 😂 I was utterly bored by him at that point.

OP posts:
Chickensky · 29/08/2025 00:54

KookySnail · 29/08/2025 00:00

Thanks ladies you’re too kind 😘

Yes the texts are ridiculous aren’t they. Would it have killed him to put enough effort in to write full sentences 😂 I was utterly bored by him at that point.

I did reply to this thread a few nights ago saying that it would have been the same outcome if you had slept with him on the 4th, 5th or months in.

All those who are saying we'll if you'd have waited a few months, till engagement do you think he really would act any differently?

A good man is a good man regardless, surely? He behaved appallingly after he had finished his chase. He has a view that he's got what he wanted and therefore what (in his eyes she should be grateful for) and now is showing his true colours.

@KookySnail been following your updates and you seem like a very strong and collected lady. I did predict he'd be in touch but that's because he wants the chase and interaction and it is obviously the good time you showed him 😉. He's not happy with just casual sex as it doesn't have the thrill but equally he isn't relationship material.

As you know, good men do not do this, they look you in the eye, make plans for next date, bother to keep the interest going.

It is so good to see you living to the right principles and boundaries and if I'd had a thread like this about 15 or years ago would have saved me a LOT of heartache.

C95 · 29/08/2025 01:11

FOJN · 28/08/2025 19:32

The beauty of doing nothing OP is that he will now feel riddled with insecurity about his sexual performance. I know that's not your intention but his change in attitude after sleeping with you was obviously an attempt to shift the power dynamics in his favour, rather than a relationship of equals, and you have taken that away from him.

Sorry he treated you in such a shabby way.

I know! It's brilliant!

So rare to have an OP with such a great outlook!!

I almost^^ feel sorry for him!! He's gonna overthink that a lot! Especially if it's the first time it's happened to him!!

JMSA · 29/08/2025 03:39

Hmm, he does sound like a cold fish.

PhuckTrump · 29/08/2025 05:59

FOJN · 28/08/2025 19:32

The beauty of doing nothing OP is that he will now feel riddled with insecurity about his sexual performance. I know that's not your intention but his change in attitude after sleeping with you was obviously an attempt to shift the power dynamics in his favour, rather than a relationship of equals, and you have taken that away from him.

Sorry he treated you in such a shabby way.

This. OP, by you refusing to engage, he will be unsure what exactly broke the camel’s back. Let him sit in that discomfort; he deserves it.

PhuckTrump · 29/08/2025 06:04

magictits · 28/08/2025 20:00

Wow I feel like a horrible person, because I could very much do what this man has done - or worse maybe I may have faked the affection afterwards only to then bin later not face to face. For me, it sounds like the sex wasn't great for him, no actual connection/chemistry. I dont mean to be horrible, Im just giving another perspective from the other side. It has happened to me countless times - im into the guy, it is going so so well, we are all affectionate and the convo and chemistry is flowing, then we get into bed and Im just not feeling it. Go through the motions, have awkward goodnight and goodmorning encounters and then make my excuses and don't see them again. As I say, Im probably worse than this guy and probably fake the cuddly connection stuff just out of sheer embarrassment.

Surely its not just me? Don't a lot of people date and get excited about someone then when it gets to the sex its just not right? Im not saying people are bad in bed, just that some people aren't suited. My current boyfriend I was so bloody into and was therefore so so nervous about the sex I was just willing it to be good. Fortunately it was fireworks for both of us thank god.

I really reckon he hasn't done anything wrong other than be a bit colder than he should post shag. But clearly he just wasn't feeling it, and thats not a crime and no reflection on you OP. You weren't used, that is was dating is afterall - trying people out til you find the right one.

trying people out til you find the right one
**
How very romantic,

LemonViewer · 29/08/2025 07:03

Just read your full explanation. You’re absolutely not over reacting and TBH a lot of the time I think women can have a tendency to under react to this kind of treatment. It might be a my generation thing (I was born in 80’s) as younger colleagues/friends I have seem to be more clued up.

It’s totally rude behaviour and would make anyone feel used. Back before I met DH I dated a man who acted like this a lot. It made me feel rubbish but I stupidly put up with it for a few weeks/months as I was in a vulnerable place in my life. I eventually found my self respect/self worth and ditched him. I went on to meet my DH and been happily married 10 years, together 12 but if something ever reminds me of this time it makes me sad that I didn’t feel able to recognise it. So good for you, you deserve better than this!

Bleachedlevis · 29/08/2025 07:39

SwingTheMonkey · 25/08/2025 13:25

How is having sex with someone committing to anything or being tied down? Your views are exceptionally old fashioned.

Show quote history

I agree - very old-fashioned - and I am 10 years older. The ouster sounds like she was born in th e 1920s.

HerLivingontheHill · 29/08/2025 07:53

So, he texted you again?

Well done on not responding.

Men like him are not worth your energy.

Let him stew.

He's treating you like a fish on a hook, to wind in and either offer you another 'date' or drop you, according to his mood.

And the 'emotional blackmail' of 'you' not speaking to him!

Silence is priceless.

Yes, you could have replied in anger and said he was a knob, no idea how to treat a woman, etc etc.

But not responding says far more.

You're a star.

Rallentanda · 29/08/2025 08:43

KookySnail · 29/08/2025 00:00

Thanks ladies you’re too kind 😘

Yes the texts are ridiculous aren’t they. Would it have killed him to put enough effort in to write full sentences 😂 I was utterly bored by him at that point.

It is boring, isn't it? Nobody has to be a people pleaser but if he wanted to see you again - even for a fwb occasional shag kind of situation - he really needed to not be a twat the minute he'd finished.

Sometimes I think men don't realise that they can be very boring with this sort of behaviour. And sometimes I think women don't realise that they can label it as tedious and bin a man off, instead of trying to second guess his intentions.

Beachtastic · 29/08/2025 09:46

Sorry OP, I am struggling to word this but I just don't get it!

I might have missed something crucial but from my understanding of a brief read-through, you liked each other enough to have sex. He then had work in the morning and, because you didn't, warned you he'd be getting up early. Next morning, he went into the sort of "work prep" mode that I probably would (you mention his high-level professional job, requiring mental preparation for another all-day performance). He's contacted you a couple of times since, but because the messages were not as attentive and detailed as usual you have ignored and subsequently blocked him, is that right?

You were put out that he didn't text you to check that you got home OK, when we walked you to the door and there was an Uber waiting for you? You mention roadworks in the street... are you cross that he didn't spend the day worrying that you might have fallen down a pothole on your way to the taxi?

Then you were angry with him for not making contact, although he was busy in a high-pressure job and you could easily have contacted him yourself, but refused to do so.

We're all different, but I don't see anything wrong with the messages he sent. I quite liked the first one ("Recovered yet?" could refer to the drinks and/or the sex!), and the second asking if you were ignoring him was clearly justified. To me, there's absolutely nothing there to justify your wounded pride. I don't understand PPs' big rounds of applause and delight that he is probably wondering if he "underperformed." That's pretty nasty about someone you once liked enough to get into bed with.

I'm afraid this jumped out at me:
Because on the topic, why is it on women to gatekeep and withhold sex, and make men jump through endless hoops and tests to prove that their intentions are as they lead us to believe?
Why is the onus not on men to be honest, and act like a civilised respectful human being?
From his perspective, he probably wonders why he's suddenly being given the silent treatment. You seem to be demanding the endless hoops and tests, and not being very honest or respectful towards him.

This also jumped out at me:
On the last call he told me “You’re very pretty but most importantly you’re a kind person, that’s more important to me than anything else”. 🙄
I have chosen not to reach out to him first to call things off because I don’t want to give him the satisfaction in thinking I’m bothered by this (even though I am 😅)

You could easily have met up with him again to check out whether his attitude has changed in the way you immediately assumed, but that ship has sailed now sadly.

SwingTheMonkey · 29/08/2025 10:47

Beachtastic · 29/08/2025 09:46

Sorry OP, I am struggling to word this but I just don't get it!

I might have missed something crucial but from my understanding of a brief read-through, you liked each other enough to have sex. He then had work in the morning and, because you didn't, warned you he'd be getting up early. Next morning, he went into the sort of "work prep" mode that I probably would (you mention his high-level professional job, requiring mental preparation for another all-day performance). He's contacted you a couple of times since, but because the messages were not as attentive and detailed as usual you have ignored and subsequently blocked him, is that right?

You were put out that he didn't text you to check that you got home OK, when we walked you to the door and there was an Uber waiting for you? You mention roadworks in the street... are you cross that he didn't spend the day worrying that you might have fallen down a pothole on your way to the taxi?

Then you were angry with him for not making contact, although he was busy in a high-pressure job and you could easily have contacted him yourself, but refused to do so.

We're all different, but I don't see anything wrong with the messages he sent. I quite liked the first one ("Recovered yet?" could refer to the drinks and/or the sex!), and the second asking if you were ignoring him was clearly justified. To me, there's absolutely nothing there to justify your wounded pride. I don't understand PPs' big rounds of applause and delight that he is probably wondering if he "underperformed." That's pretty nasty about someone you once liked enough to get into bed with.

I'm afraid this jumped out at me:
Because on the topic, why is it on women to gatekeep and withhold sex, and make men jump through endless hoops and tests to prove that their intentions are as they lead us to believe?
Why is the onus not on men to be honest, and act like a civilised respectful human being?
From his perspective, he probably wonders why he's suddenly being given the silent treatment. You seem to be demanding the endless hoops and tests, and not being very honest or respectful towards him.

This also jumped out at me:
On the last call he told me “You’re very pretty but most importantly you’re a kind person, that’s more important to me than anything else”. 🙄
I have chosen not to reach out to him first to call things off because I don’t want to give him the satisfaction in thinking I’m bothered by this (even though I am 😅)

You could easily have met up with him again to check out whether his attitude has changed in the way you immediately assumed, but that ship has sailed now sadly.

Oh dear @Beachtastic, you did miss something crucial. In fact I’m not sure how you managed to misconstrue such a simple account. He wasn’t going to work in his ‘high power, high stress job’, it was a Sunday and he was going out with his friend in the afternoon and wanted to get to the gym early before he went. Absolutely no need for him to be so cold and distant and no real need to rush to the gym at 7am if he really liked op. These details were all clearly laid out in the op. OP’s gripe was that this guy completely changed after they’d had sex, which he clearly did.

pilates · 29/08/2025 10:51

@Beachtastic RTFT

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 29/08/2025 10:53

I had an XP who would turn over and go to sleep. I didn't want 'close cuddles all night' but some kind of indication that he didn't think of me as a breathing wank sock would have been nice. And it wore away at my self esteem in the end.

So I think you've absolutely done the right thing. Let him wonder why you've blocked him, with a bit of luck he'll think it was his performance that put you off. You've turned the tables on him nicely, respect.

Beachtastic · 29/08/2025 10:57

SwingTheMonkey · 29/08/2025 10:47

Oh dear @Beachtastic, you did miss something crucial. In fact I’m not sure how you managed to misconstrue such a simple account. He wasn’t going to work in his ‘high power, high stress job’, it was a Sunday and he was going out with his friend in the afternoon and wanted to get to the gym early before he went. Absolutely no need for him to be so cold and distant and no real need to rush to the gym at 7am if he really liked op. These details were all clearly laid out in the op. OP’s gripe was that this guy completely changed after they’d had sex, which he clearly did.

Show quote history

Ah yes I see, I did didn't I! The dangers of skim-reading 😆

I still think when it comes to communication, it takes two to tango...

SwingTheMonkey · 29/08/2025 11:16

Beachtastic · 29/08/2025 10:57

Ah yes I see, I did didn't I! The dangers of skim-reading 😆

I still think when it comes to communication, it takes two to tango...

Show quote history

I think I’d be rather put off communicating with someone who had been so attentive and lovely before getting me into bed and such a distant, cold fish once he’d sealed the deal.

Beachtastic · 29/08/2025 11:24

SwingTheMonkey · 29/08/2025 11:16

I think I’d be rather put off communicating with someone who had been so attentive and lovely before getting me into bed and such a distant, cold fish once he’d sealed the deal.

Show quote history

Maybe. There are so many possible explanations for his behaviour, though, so personally I'd have met up with him again to suss out what was going on before punishing him for perceived slights.

Original poster
KookySnail · 29/08/2025 11:35

Beachtastic · 29/08/2025 09:46

Sorry OP, I am struggling to word this but I just don't get it!

I might have missed something crucial but from my understanding of a brief read-through, you liked each other enough to have sex. He then had work in the morning and, because you didn't, warned you he'd be getting up early. Next morning, he went into the sort of "work prep" mode that I probably would (you mention his high-level professional job, requiring mental preparation for another all-day performance). He's contacted you a couple of times since, but because the messages were not as attentive and detailed as usual you have ignored and subsequently blocked him, is that right?

You were put out that he didn't text you to check that you got home OK, when we walked you to the door and there was an Uber waiting for you? You mention roadworks in the street... are you cross that he didn't spend the day worrying that you might have fallen down a pothole on your way to the taxi?

Then you were angry with him for not making contact, although he was busy in a high-pressure job and you could easily have contacted him yourself, but refused to do so.

We're all different, but I don't see anything wrong with the messages he sent. I quite liked the first one ("Recovered yet?" could refer to the drinks and/or the sex!), and the second asking if you were ignoring him was clearly justified. To me, there's absolutely nothing there to justify your wounded pride. I don't understand PPs' big rounds of applause and delight that he is probably wondering if he "underperformed." That's pretty nasty about someone you once liked enough to get into bed with.

I'm afraid this jumped out at me:
Because on the topic, why is it on women to gatekeep and withhold sex, and make men jump through endless hoops and tests to prove that their intentions are as they lead us to believe?
Why is the onus not on men to be honest, and act like a civilised respectful human being?
From his perspective, he probably wonders why he's suddenly being given the silent treatment. You seem to be demanding the endless hoops and tests, and not being very honest or respectful towards him.

This also jumped out at me:
On the last call he told me “You’re very pretty but most importantly you’re a kind person, that’s more important to me than anything else”. 🙄
I have chosen not to reach out to him first to call things off because I don’t want to give him the satisfaction in thinking I’m bothered by this (even though I am 😅)

You could easily have met up with him again to check out whether his attitude has changed in the way you immediately assumed, but that ship has sailed now sadly.

What does his “high level job” have to do with anything on a Sunday morning on a bank holiday weekend, when he was off to the gym?

And please list the “endless” hoops and tests I’ve put him through. I ordered myself an uber and left his with no fuss, and simply not reached out since.

I was there, and I have enough life experience to sense the situation had switched on his side immediately afterwards.

Talk about stretching to put it back on me.

OP posts:
Beachtastic · 29/08/2025 11:39

KookySnail · 29/08/2025 11:35

What does his “high level job” have to do with anything on a Sunday morning on a bank holiday weekend, when he was off to the gym?

And please list the “endless” hoops and tests I’ve put him through. I ordered myself an uber and left his with no fuss, and simply not reached out since.

I was there, and I have enough life experience to sense the situation had switched on his side immediately afterwards.

Talk about stretching to put it back on me.

Show quote history

I stand corrected on the busy work day ahead... 😔 I pictured the whole thing differently, having misread your OP!

Bleachedlevis · 29/08/2025 11:40

KookySnail · 29/08/2025 11:35

What does his “high level job” have to do with anything on a Sunday morning on a bank holiday weekend, when he was off to the gym?

And please list the “endless” hoops and tests I’ve put him through. I ordered myself an uber and left his with no fuss, and simply not reached out since.

I was there, and I have enough life experience to sense the situation had switched on his side immediately afterwards.

Talk about stretching to put it back on me.

Show quote history

Yes and the poster seems to have forgotten the total lack of eye contact which I thought was really bad.

Bleachedlevis · 29/08/2025 11:40

KookySnail · 29/08/2025 11:35

What does his “high level job” have to do with anything on a Sunday morning on a bank holiday weekend, when he was off to the gym?

And please list the “endless” hoops and tests I’ve put him through. I ordered myself an uber and left his with no fuss, and simply not reached out since.

I was there, and I have enough life experience to sense the situation had switched on his side immediately afterwards.

Talk about stretching to put it back on me.

Show quote history

Yes and the poster seems to have forgotten the total lack of eye contact which I thought was really bad.

Cavello · 29/08/2025 11:53

The total lack of eye contact and the immediate turning of his back to the OP would seal his fate for me, and immediately going early to the gym in the morning, that is so unbelievably rude. Even if he isn't a cuddler at night (I'm not), a brief hug and kiss afterwards before going to sleep and then coffee together in the morning would have been sufficient to show their interest and keenness, he didn't because he wasn't.

His actions said more than his words ever did. He was a player and it was the chase. Even down to ensuring the venue for their date was near his home🙄

You are far better away from him OP, he'll be a nightmare. I think you have responded exactly right with him.

Lacey55 · 29/08/2025 11:56

Hi @KookySnail I think you have handled this very well and been strong. It must have been very hurtful how he treated you after so I think you did the right thing.
How dare he make you feel like that!

As a side note I have a male friend who is still single at 48. He would love a relationship but he says he genuinely losses interest once he has slept with his dates. It's just something in him that switches off. Some men are strange creatures!

Maplebean · 29/08/2025 12:43

@Beachtastic the decent thing to do, which would have showed that he valued OP, would of been to have you know, maybe asked if she wanted to get breakfast? Given it was a Sunday morning that’s not unreasonable. Instead he priority his own needs, as through she was in the way, and rushed her out at 7am.

OP has got enough self worth that she’s cottoned onto him straight away and isn’t entertaining him which is quite right!

magictits · 29/08/2025 13:37

I may be wrong/naive, but I really do think its a myth that men pursue and then when they get sex they reject you. The old conquest/notch on bedpost idea. It makes not sense to me why they would do that, so I don't think it exists. If people have a good connection, chemistry and the sex is great why wouldn't they want to do it again? If something is good you want to keep doing it - not one and done. I have never understood this concept and really do believe its a myth - maybe something we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better perhaps?

Im a strong believer in pheromones - I know not everyone does. But for me it doesn't matter how gorgeous and scintillating a man is, if the phermones dont do it for me its just not gonna happen.

That said, i still think this man was spectacularly rude to turn his back on you and not give you eye contact - and then to reduce contact by short messages was just weird. If I wasn't feeling it (and Ive been in that awkward position many times in the last 8 years) Im totally kind and polite (but not overly gushy), and then make my excuses later. Very clear, but kind, and I don't do the gradual fade. Sounds like he still wanted the ego boost of you dangling. Which is embarrassing for him.