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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to write this guy off our first night together?

467 replies

KookySnail · 25/08/2025 01:02

I’m considering c

OP posts:
KidsDoBetter · 26/08/2025 07:04

KookySnail · 25/08/2025 23:53

To be fair I don’t think he’s that bothered I didn’t reply, he won’t give it a second thought come tomorrow. I’ve been on annual leave for the past 10 days, actually looking forward to going back to work in the morning and getting on with things in a routine again. As mentioned I’m not replying so don’t think I’ll have any further update. Thanks again mumsnetters.

Do let us know tho if he texts again. Or calls.

JimmyGiraffe · 26/08/2025 07:18

KookySnail · 25/08/2025 23:53

To be fair I don’t think he’s that bothered I didn’t reply, he won’t give it a second thought come tomorrow. I’ve been on annual leave for the past 10 days, actually looking forward to going back to work in the morning and getting on with things in a routine again. As mentioned I’m not replying so don’t think I’ll have any further update. Thanks again mumsnetters.

It’s good that you’ll be busy. Do let us know if you hear from him again.

I really don’t know how you judge the best time to sleep with someone, it probably isn’t all that important if you’re dealing with a decent guy

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 26/08/2025 07:43

JifNtGif · 25/08/2025 23:25

Dear me, he's well rid of you if that's your attitude

Ragebait - 0/10

Bunnie007 · 26/08/2025 08:30

KookySnail · 25/08/2025 23:53

To be fair I don’t think he’s that bothered I didn’t reply, he won’t give it a second thought come tomorrow. I’ve been on annual leave for the past 10 days, actually looking forward to going back to work in the morning and getting on with things in a routine again. As mentioned I’m not replying so don’t think I’ll have any further update. Thanks again mumsnetters.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Completely normal to sleep with him at that stage and what if you didn’t, you just get deeper in and he still behaves terribly after sex!! I’m glad you feel strong enough not to reply/question him. It might well be he thinks he’s now put in the effort and can treat you like this now but you know you are worth more. He is the one with issues not you. You sound very level and it’s awful when someone behaves so oddly because it’s so hard not to take it personally but this is one million percent on him. Enjoy getting back into routine and focusing on yourself and don’t let him put you off taking chances on other men. I actually met my husband online so there are some genuine ones online if you do fancy it in the future 😊

BusyMum47 · 26/08/2025 09:45

@KookySnail

He has shown his true colours - ditch him immediately - you're worth more.

HatStickBoots · 26/08/2025 09:49

“Recovered yet?”

Not even bothering to maintain the character that led you to even go out with him. The facade has completely dropped. He really has got tickets on himself, what a twat. Why didn’t he tell you his Sunday plans before you went out? You’d have had a chance then to make decisions and part ways at the end of the night if you’d wanted. He has so done this before.
You’ve recovered yes, he’s not difficult to get over.

JHound · 26/08/2025 09:50

PollyBell · 26/08/2025 06:55

So you want to shag early to see if you are compatible but unless you tell the person you are shagging your long term goal why would they think you want a long term thing, you wanted a shag and got one now he is not doing the after shag plan to what you have decided needs to happen next

you are dating not shacking up together it is not meant to be this complicated and maybe this intentisty is what put him off?

She says she told him she does not do casual sex.

So he knew. And even if did not his behaviour in the morning was disrespectful.

Thortour · 26/08/2025 11:24

Well done OP. You are a goddess and need a real man.

lostinchaos · 26/08/2025 11:26

I hope he sends another message for you to ignore soon!

ponyprincess · 26/08/2025 12:33

Theoturkeyflieswest · 25/08/2025 05:30

To me ,sex is part of a serious long term relationship
With Sex on the third date ,its easy for men to put on their best personalities and hold the nice guy act untill they get what they want .
Make them wait 3/4 months and you see more of the real person,who they are .
Each to their own.
I've been with my husband 35 years ,we were engaged before we slept together.
That's not even how things were done at the time it's just how I am .,it was different even then.
I suppose I had high standards for myself.id had plenty of dates ,and those who just wanted sex soon realised that wasn't on offer ,and disappeared.
Op your feeling upset about how he treated you ,and I would of felt very upset to ,I definitely would not give him a second chance .I hope you get the satisfaction of refusing another date with him x

theoturkeyflieswest I think implying that people who have sex more quickly have low standards, by admiring your own 'high standards of waiting, is very patronising.

OP I am sorry this man left you feeling this way- this could have happened at 3 dates or 30 dates. At least you found out early on. Agree with a pp saying that he was likely hoping you wouldn't stay the night (but didn't outright say so). Forget about him and move on!

KoalaBlue1 · 26/08/2025 12:44

Block and delete

diddl · 26/08/2025 12:51

Tbh you could wait 6months, & then the sex isn't great!

I think it's pot luck.

Husband & I had sex on the first date & have been married 30yrs.

We were both approaching 30 when we met so likely to be looking/hoping for a relationship.

KookySnail · 26/08/2025 14:16

ponyprincess · 26/08/2025 12:33

theoturkeyflieswest I think implying that people who have sex more quickly have low standards, by admiring your own 'high standards of waiting, is very patronising.

OP I am sorry this man left you feeling this way- this could have happened at 3 dates or 30 dates. At least you found out early on. Agree with a pp saying that he was likely hoping you wouldn't stay the night (but didn't outright say so). Forget about him and move on!

Just to add on this point. I fully respect other people choose to live their life differently, usually those from the older generation, or religious backgrounds. However I fall into neither demographic, and sleeping with a man after 3 weeks in this generation is not considered premature by any means.

I do not have casual sex, nor have I ever had a one night stand. However, I do not put myself on a pedal stool and talk down to other women who have, like I’m the walking example of how one should conduct themselves. And I certainly wouldn’t use it as leverage to make someone accept the blame for being treated poorly.

Because on the topic, why is it on women to gatekeep and withhold sex, and make men jump through endless hoops and tests to prove that their intentions are as they lead us to believe?
Why is the onus not on men to be honest, and act like a civilised respectful human being?
I’m not usually one to preach on feminism if I’m being honest, but it’s tiring reading how blame is still placed on the women for being manipulated by men who will break their back to make you believe something that isn’t a reality, just to get their end away.

I stand by the fact that I didn’t sleep with him too soon, and this outcome wasn’t down to me.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 26/08/2025 14:26

KookySnail · 26/08/2025 14:16

Just to add on this point. I fully respect other people choose to live their life differently, usually those from the older generation, or religious backgrounds. However I fall into neither demographic, and sleeping with a man after 3 weeks in this generation is not considered premature by any means.

I do not have casual sex, nor have I ever had a one night stand. However, I do not put myself on a pedal stool and talk down to other women who have, like I’m the walking example of how one should conduct themselves. And I certainly wouldn’t use it as leverage to make someone accept the blame for being treated poorly.

Because on the topic, why is it on women to gatekeep and withhold sex, and make men jump through endless hoops and tests to prove that their intentions are as they lead us to believe?
Why is the onus not on men to be honest, and act like a civilised respectful human being?
I’m not usually one to preach on feminism if I’m being honest, but it’s tiring reading how blame is still placed on the women for being manipulated by men who will break their back to make you believe something that isn’t a reality, just to get their end away.

I stand by the fact that I didn’t sleep with him too soon, and this outcome wasn’t down to me.

Edited

Absolutely agree with your stance and comments.

NB: it's pedestal, not 'pedal stool'!

KookySnail · 26/08/2025 14:29

VickyEadieofThigh · 26/08/2025 14:26

Absolutely agree with your stance and comments.

NB: it's pedestal, not 'pedal stool'!

Haha thanks ☺️ at work on a quick coffee break and typed all that out at rapid speed. Hopefully my coffee will kick in soon before I send my emails for the afternoon 😂

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 26/08/2025 14:44

@KookySnail

"Because on the topic, why is it on women to gatekeep and withhold sex, and make men jump through endless hoops and tests to prove that their intentions are as they lead us to believe?
Why is the onus not on men to be honest, and act like a civilised respectful human being?
I’m not usually one to preach on feminism if I’m being honest, but it’s tiring reading how blame is still placed on the women for being manipulated by men who will break their back to make you believe something that isn’t a reality, just to get their end away.
I stand by the fact that I didn’t sleep with him too soon, and this outcome wasn’t down to me."

Firstly, I don't think you slept with him 'too soon' you slept with him when it felt right and that is always the correct time.

But to your point above, and I am just musing. I guess it would be because women are the ones that can be left holding the baby. The stakes are higher for us. I know we have many options available to us now. But, (to the mainstream population) those options are only relevantly new.

Then biologically it is usually the male that does the work to attract the female.

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/08/2025 14:48

Ugh. He’s not as nice as he made out, is he. At least you had a good time op. Onwards and upwards.

KookySnail · 26/08/2025 15:05

pontipinemum · 26/08/2025 14:44

@KookySnail

"Because on the topic, why is it on women to gatekeep and withhold sex, and make men jump through endless hoops and tests to prove that their intentions are as they lead us to believe?
Why is the onus not on men to be honest, and act like a civilised respectful human being?
I’m not usually one to preach on feminism if I’m being honest, but it’s tiring reading how blame is still placed on the women for being manipulated by men who will break their back to make you believe something that isn’t a reality, just to get their end away.
I stand by the fact that I didn’t sleep with him too soon, and this outcome wasn’t down to me."

Firstly, I don't think you slept with him 'too soon' you slept with him when it felt right and that is always the correct time.

But to your point above, and I am just musing. I guess it would be because women are the ones that can be left holding the baby. The stakes are higher for us. I know we have many options available to us now. But, (to the mainstream population) those options are only relevantly new.

Then biologically it is usually the male that does the work to attract the female.

That theory is mostly relevant to less modern times when contraception wasn’t so readily available. I’ve been having sex with partners purely for pleasure for over 15 years (on contraception) and never been pregnant. Pregnancy and being left with a stigma of being a single mum is no longer the threat it used to be.

Men do work (hard) for women, very much so. But this doesn’t reflect their true intentions and no one can truly accurately predict how honest a person is. You take a risk, sometimes it pays off, and other times it doesn’t.

OP posts:
Anyahyacinth · 26/08/2025 16:19

KookySnail · 26/08/2025 15:05

That theory is mostly relevant to less modern times when contraception wasn’t so readily available. I’ve been having sex with partners purely for pleasure for over 15 years (on contraception) and never been pregnant. Pregnancy and being left with a stigma of being a single mum is no longer the threat it used to be.

Men do work (hard) for women, very much so. But this doesn’t reflect their true intentions and no one can truly accurately predict how honest a person is. You take a risk, sometimes it pays off, and other times it doesn’t.

Stay strong, he is definitely one to ignore.💐

I’m just 55 both my long term partnerships we’d slept with other after a week or two I think…playing control games is just pathetic in my view. Male or female. He didn’t cherish you that’s enough to bin him off x

MyElatedUmberFinch · 26/08/2025 16:26

OP why did you stay the night?

JHound · 26/08/2025 16:29

KookySnail · 26/08/2025 14:16

Just to add on this point. I fully respect other people choose to live their life differently, usually those from the older generation, or religious backgrounds. However I fall into neither demographic, and sleeping with a man after 3 weeks in this generation is not considered premature by any means.

I do not have casual sex, nor have I ever had a one night stand. However, I do not put myself on a pedal stool and talk down to other women who have, like I’m the walking example of how one should conduct themselves. And I certainly wouldn’t use it as leverage to make someone accept the blame for being treated poorly.

Because on the topic, why is it on women to gatekeep and withhold sex, and make men jump through endless hoops and tests to prove that their intentions are as they lead us to believe?
Why is the onus not on men to be honest, and act like a civilised respectful human being?
I’m not usually one to preach on feminism if I’m being honest, but it’s tiring reading how blame is still placed on the women for being manipulated by men who will break their back to make you believe something that isn’t a reality, just to get their end away.

I stand by the fact that I didn’t sleep with him too soon, and this outcome wasn’t down to me.

Edited

I think it’s on men to be honest.

I think men should not manipulate.

I also realise we have to live in the world as it is not how we wish it was.

People should have sex when they want but I know there is a better chance of filtering out users by waiting to determine if we are on the same page.

HerLivingontheHill · 26/08/2025 16:41

@KookySnail His rather pathetic 'recovered yet' text was testing the water.

IF you had replied (and great that you haven't) he'd have taken that as you being someone who sets the bar very low and who he can pick up and drop according to his whims.

What a truly good man should have done is make sure you'd got home safely and even if he didn't want see you again, should have said thanks for your company but sorry, he doesn't want to take it any further.

All his text does it try to draw you in to see if you're still 'talking' to him so he can keep you as a booty call.

Keep strong- you've got your head screwed on.

HerLivingontheHill · 26/08/2025 16:43

People should have sex when they want but I know there is a better chance of filtering out users by waiting to determine if we are on the same page.

But wait how long?

I slept with my DH on our 3rd date.

We've now been married over 30 years.

You can't date with a crystal ball.

Getting hurt and finding a man just wanted sex is a risk you take.

He could wait 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months or longer and still dump you after he'd 'got what he wanted'.

KidsDoBetter · 26/08/2025 17:40

MyElatedUmberFinch · 26/08/2025 16:26

OP why did you stay the night?

She’s explained why upthread.

Lex345 · 26/08/2025 17:50

I like to think he is sat there staring at the unanswered half arsed-not-even-a-coherent-sentence text, utterly bewildered to not have received a comprehensive, eye lash fluttering and demure reply, hinting at his sexual prowess and begging to see him again.

Long may he sit and wait for this to never come. Arsehat.