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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to write this guy off our first night together?

467 replies

KookySnail · 25/08/2025 01:02

I’m considering c

OP posts:
magictits · 29/08/2025 13:41

Lacey55 · 29/08/2025 11:56

Hi @KookySnail I think you have handled this very well and been strong. It must have been very hurtful how he treated you after so I think you did the right thing.
How dare he make you feel like that!

As a side note I have a male friend who is still single at 48. He would love a relationship but he says he genuinely losses interest once he has slept with his dates. It's just something in him that switches off. Some men are strange creatures!

Gosh really? What would be the point. Anything that is good you want to do again? Theres no logic to it is there? mad

magictits · 29/08/2025 13:45

Maplebean · 29/08/2025 12:43

@Beachtastic the decent thing to do, which would have showed that he valued OP, would of been to have you know, maybe asked if she wanted to get breakfast? Given it was a Sunday morning that’s not unreasonable. Instead he priority his own needs, as through she was in the way, and rushed her out at 7am.

OP has got enough self worth that she’s cottoned onto him straight away and isn’t entertaining him which is quite right!

Yeh you shouldn't treat anyone like that - a guest in your home - if you slept with them or otherwise. Its just so rude and cruel.

Personally I would have said it to him afterwards in a message. Something like, 'You were extremely rude to me last night and this morning, and I was a guest in your home. I don't allow people like that in my life'. Then I would have blocked.

But your way works to OP. I just like telling people clearly why I have walked but thats just me. Because I would want him to know it had nothing to do with the sex and everything to do with his appalling manners.

Lacey55 · 29/08/2025 16:33

magictits · 29/08/2025 13:41

Gosh really? What would be the point. Anything that is good you want to do again? Theres no logic to it is there? mad

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I know! He does have (short) relationships but he losses real interest in them as soon as he has slept with them. He is very wealthy and does tend to go for younger women (30s) so maybe that's it?

Tandora · 29/08/2025 21:47

magictits · 29/08/2025 13:37

I may be wrong/naive, but I really do think its a myth that men pursue and then when they get sex they reject you. The old conquest/notch on bedpost idea. It makes not sense to me why they would do that, so I don't think it exists. If people have a good connection, chemistry and the sex is great why wouldn't they want to do it again? If something is good you want to keep doing it - not one and done. I have never understood this concept and really do believe its a myth - maybe something we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better perhaps?

Im a strong believer in pheromones - I know not everyone does. But for me it doesn't matter how gorgeous and scintillating a man is, if the phermones dont do it for me its just not gonna happen.

That said, i still think this man was spectacularly rude to turn his back on you and not give you eye contact - and then to reduce contact by short messages was just weird. If I wasn't feeling it (and Ive been in that awkward position many times in the last 8 years) Im totally kind and polite (but not overly gushy), and then make my excuses later. Very clear, but kind, and I don't do the gradual fade. Sounds like he still wanted the ego boost of you dangling. Which is embarrassing for him.

It’s not a myth. A lot of men are like this psychologically - it’s because of deep rooted misogyny . Once they have been with a woman she loses her value in their eyes.

Notsuchafattynow · 29/08/2025 22:00

Good for you to take control.

He was spectacularly rude after you'd had sex, both immediately afterwards and the next morning.

The matey texts after a day or so really showed him for what he was. Thankfully you know early doors, before you got really invested.

I'm glad you respect yourself enough to know you deserve more.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/08/2025 23:08

He’s not nice, I would feel used if treated like that, he should have sent you a nice text. I don’t think you’ll hear from him again except maybe an attempt at a booty call in a couple of weeks. Prick.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/08/2025 23:14

‘You not speaking now’ is so arrogant confrontational and aggressive and shows he knows exactly what he’s done and he’s looking for an ego boost and for you to send him a paragraph

Anchorage56 · 30/08/2025 08:21

Lacey55 · 29/08/2025 16:33

I know! He does have (short) relationships but he losses real interest in them as soon as he has slept with them. He is very wealthy and does tend to go for younger women (30s) so maybe that's it?

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Sounds like he gets a thrill from the chase and not much more. If he is happy being single and dating around then ok, but it's an unfortunate mindset if he actually wants something long term. If the latter he could do with talking to a therapist.

JimmyGiraffe · 30/08/2025 08:46

Tandora · 29/08/2025 21:47

It’s not a myth. A lot of men are like this psychologically - it’s because of deep rooted misogyny . Once they have been with a woman she loses her value in their eyes.

Edited
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But if that’s the case, how come men are in marriages and long term relationships?

Anchorage56 · 30/08/2025 08:55

JimmyGiraffe · 30/08/2025 08:46

But if that’s the case, how come men are in marriages and long term relationships?

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Because it's only some men who view women like that. Plenty still look for something meaningful and long term.

Tandora · 30/08/2025 10:32

JimmyGiraffe · 30/08/2025 08:46

But if that’s the case, how come men are in marriages and long term relationships?

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Well not all men are like this obviously! Lots are , and lots aren’t.
Also for the men who are like this, they do sometimes get in long term relationships, either because they get over their issues or when they find a woman who withholds sex. I had a friend like this, he eventually got married but to a Christian girl who wouldn’t have sex until after marriage. He himself was neither Christian nor a virgin.

Anchorage56 · 30/08/2025 10:53

Tandora · 30/08/2025 10:32

Well not all men are like this obviously! Lots are , and lots aren’t.
Also for the men who are like this, they do sometimes get in long term relationships, either because they get over their issues or when they find a woman who withholds sex. I had a friend like this, he eventually got married but to a Christian girl who wouldn’t have sex until after marriage. He himself was neither Christian nor a virgin.

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What you are saying doesnt actually make sense. If a man loses interest in a woman after he has had sex with her because he sees her as losing her value then it wouldn't matter how long she held out before having sex. Once the sex was done he would lose interest, going by your theory.

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 30/08/2025 11:06

It’s really not complicated. They had sex and didn’t see each other again
One really cannot extrapolate about men and commitment from this.
It was only three dates in,so no great emotional investment, not a big deal

Anchorage56 · 30/08/2025 11:13

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 30/08/2025 11:06

It’s really not complicated. They had sex and didn’t see each other again
One really cannot extrapolate about men and commitment from this.
It was only three dates in,so no great emotional investment, not a big deal

You should never make assumptions about all men or all women based on individual stories but we will judge this man for his behaviour.

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 30/08/2025 11:22

Anchorage56 · 30/08/2025 11:13

You should never make assumptions about all men or all women based on individual stories but we will judge this man for his behaviour.

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Who is we? Dont presume a collective I don’t judge him. Don’t judge her
Three dates and sex,mutual and consensual sex. No sinister dynamics
It really doesn’t warrant all this scrutiny and certainly not the presumption of the collective who judge him

Anchorage56 · 30/08/2025 11:29

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 30/08/2025 11:22

Who is we? Dont presume a collective I don’t judge him. Don’t judge her
Three dates and sex,mutual and consensual sex. No sinister dynamics
It really doesn’t warrant all this scrutiny and certainly not the presumption of the collective who judge him

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We as in all the people on here who have commented that his behaviour was not nice. Not that difficult to understand. If you wouldnt mind being treated like that then thats fine for you.

HelloHattie · 30/08/2025 11:31

I wouldn’t like the lack of eye contact. Well done for knowing your worth.

Beachtastic · 30/08/2025 11:41

HelloHattie · 30/08/2025 11:31

I wouldn’t like the lack of eye contact. Well done for knowing your worth.

It could have been shyness, though - or self-consciousness about getting dressed in the morning. Women aren't the only ones to feel insecure!

However, OP is trusting her gut so knows better than I do what the mood was.

MadKittenWoman · 30/08/2025 11:44

Bunnie007 · 25/08/2025 07:32

As the saying goes- he’s shown you who he is so believe him.
No kindness or even basic good manners after sex. Particularly after being tactile etc during the evening. In my mind he very obviously only wanted one thing. He may contact you again- probably if he wants sex but do you want to continue seeing someone who treats you like this?
My advice would be to quickly move on from people who do not make you feel good. I wouldn’t contact him, if he contacts you then your choice if you totally ignore or explain that you didn’t appreciate his behaviour and don’t want to see him again.
Thanks for the offer of another date. Although the date and the sex were both fine. I didn’t like the way you behaved directly afterwards or in the morning so would rather not continue to date. Take care
This is just factual and doesn’t make you seem overly invested or dramatic but gives a clear message you are worth more. Which you are. I know how hard dating can be but don’t settle for this sort of treatment.

This. You’re worth more. Flowers

PullTheBricksDown · 30/08/2025 11:52

Beachtastic · 30/08/2025 11:41

It could have been shyness, though - or self-consciousness about getting dressed in the morning. Women aren't the only ones to feel insecure!

However, OP is trusting her gut so knows better than I do what the mood was.

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Shyness that affects him making eye contact, but doesn't stop him undressing and having sex the night before? This feels like quite a reach to make excuses for the guy's poor behaviour. OP has seen it for what it was and made the right decision to move on.

Beachtastic · 30/08/2025 12:05

PullTheBricksDown · 30/08/2025 11:52

Shyness that affects him making eye contact, but doesn't stop him undressing and having sex the night before? This feels like quite a reach to make excuses for the guy's poor behaviour. OP has seen it for what it was and made the right decision to move on.

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Maybe. I think we all feel a bit different in daylight once sober! 😉

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 30/08/2025 12:09

Anchorage56 · 30/08/2025 11:29

We as in all the people on here who have commented that his behaviour was not nice. Not that difficult to understand. If you wouldnt mind being treated like that then thats fine for you.

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You framed it as a global we. The reported we isn’t the majority (read the thread)
Thread isn’t about me. Thread is about op disappointment and subsequent anger

Anchorage56 · 30/08/2025 12:14

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 30/08/2025 12:09

You framed it as a global we. The reported we isn’t the majority (read the thread)
Thread isn’t about me. Thread is about op disappointment and subsequent anger

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We as in a group of people not I as an individual. I've read the thread that's why I said what I said. I've noticed you are in the minority on this thread.

SwingTheMonkey · 30/08/2025 13:33

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 30/08/2025 12:09

You framed it as a global we. The reported we isn’t the majority (read the thread)
Thread isn’t about me. Thread is about op disappointment and subsequent anger

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Your opinion is definitely in the minority on this thread - by some margin. I think I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of posters who think op is being unreasonable. Shouting the loudest doesn’t make your opinion the majority.

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 30/08/2025 13:38

SwingTheMonkey · 30/08/2025 13:33

Your opinion is definitely in the minority on this thread - by some margin. I think I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of posters who think op is being unreasonable. Shouting the loudest doesn’t make your opinion the majority.

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I’m not shouting. Nor am I effusing about her fortitude & worth .As you correctly say I’m happily in the minority on this. Self evident I don’t agree with the op or the majority