AIBU not to marry DP after being burned

[FailingtoJuggle]

NC for this but happy for MN to verify I’m a pre-existing poster.

I’m 43. I married at 30, divorced at 35. No children from that marriage. I married because it felt like the “right” thing at the time — we’d been together a long time, everyone around us was settling down, and he was a nice man. We had a dream wedding. And a nice life. But I didn’t love him in the way I should have, and the thought of having children with him made me miserable. Literally I felt sick at the thought. We were more like siblings. I do regret marrying him and wish I was strong enough to have walked away before. But I was lonely.

The divorce was awful. I honestly couldn’t have imagined a nice guy like him turning so nasty. I naively thought we’d be friend forever, even after divorcing! I feel like such a dick now thinking I could be so stupid. I was the higher earner, we had no prenup, and everything was joint, including the house in London which I largely financed. He walked away with a massive amount of money (in return for leaving my pension alone) and I had to rebuild. I swore I’d never put myself in that position again.

I do believe everything happens for a reason though. Not long afterwards I met my current partner. I do genuinely love him, we’ve been together 7 years, and we now have two young DC. U honestly feel blessed and I feel for him what I never felt for my ex. Sheer love and desire and respect. Don’t get me wrong - he can be a plonker like all blokes and life is hard with two small kids in our 40s but I’m genuinely happy.

He’s not bothered about marriage, and after my last experience I’ve been reluctant too.

But somehow I’ve ended up the high earner again! I bloody wish money wasn’t an issue but it seems to always become one

The situation now is that I earn around £250k, he earns about £30k. We’ve recently bought a house (around £2m) in my sole name. Pensions and savings are mine too. With my ex, everything was pooled. Now everything is deliberately separate — I feel safer that way. I pay everything though. Literally everything. Mortgage, bills, holiday, private school fees (oldest kid - youngest not started yet but will soon), food, everything for kids. I don’t ask him for a penny and I wouldn’t. I’m not a dick. He’s generous to the extent he can be and I’m grateful for the thought when he spends his money eg picking up top
up food in the week from Sainsbury’s or my Amazon mum mug on Mother’s Day buying me some chocolate when I’ve had a hard day. I genuinely appreciate it.

But here’s my worry: if I were to die, the house and assets would face a big inheritance tax bill. We’re not cash rich as my salary after tax flies out of my account on all the bills we have. So I worry the children could be forced to sell the house if I were to die to pay the IHT. Marriage would avoid some of these issues.

So I’m torn. Part of me wants to keep things as they are — I’ve worked hard for my financial security and don’t want to risk another messy split. But another part of me wonders if I’m being short-sighted not marrying, especially for the children’s sake.

What would you do?

Oh and please don’t post if you’re going to kick me down for my salary and house price. I’m not boasting. It is what it is and relevant to the advice I’m seeking. I’m also not going to feel shit about working hard to get to where I am today. I came from a working class family where I was the first to go to university. I’ve had no silver spoons or helping hands. And no fucking “luck” either. It’s pure hard graft and I’ve already had one man fuck off back to his home country with a chunk of my hard work and I’m so distrustful of my judgment and worried it will happen again.

Sorry for the length and thanks for reading if you go this far.

YANBU - don’t marry. Keep your independence.
YABU - it won’t happen again. Marry and protect your kids.

right @FailingtoJuggle - the first thing you do is talk to a good financial advisor. I had a similar worry, on divorce, that my DC would be homeless if I went under a bus - I was advised to take out an insurance policy, written in trust, to cover the IHT should I die. I took out a policy until the kids were mid 20's and independent. Evidently this is a known "thing" amongst people who grew up around money - I had no idea, like you I didn't.

In some ways it felt like throwing money away, but it was worth it for the peace of mind.

Go see a financial advisor and solicitor to help you plan an appropriate will, getting around whatever taxes you can without marriage (which sounds like your aim). Seems like your kids will always be financially secure with whatever you leave them, regardless of inheritance tax - that’s fantastic for them, and should satisfy you.

Out of interest, what work do you do and how did you get into it?

Have you looked into a whole of life insurance policy, written in trust? think of it as effectively a transfer of wealth, the premiums you pay and definitely going to be paid out to your kids, in trust so no tax upon your death whenever what occurs. You could choose a cover amount to meet your iht liability (check your allowances but usually 325 nrb plus 175 nrb for you) - find a financial adviser to arrange this for you, they can get paid via commission without much effect on the price you pay

snap 😆 - we obviously writing this at exactly the same time!

If you think that women don't do the vast majority of "wife work" irrespective of who is the higher earner/only earner, then you're naive at best. The OP has already said she does the majority of it.

It's not comparing LFL.

Has the DP in this case taken maternity leave, become a SAHD, dropped to part time to cover the home front whilst the OP maxes out work opportunities? If so then yes, part of the financial planning needs to include cover for a partner who has dropped earning power to provide childcare. That is the situation for the vast majority of non married mothers posting about their financial situation with a high earning partner.

In this case the OP will have paid the maternity career tariff but I don’t see the part of the OP’s posts where the DP has gone part time/become a SAHD so your faux equality point isn’t relevant.

I would meet with a couple of IFA’s to get their opinions and input re estate planning etc

@FailingtoJuggle you need independent financial and legal advice.

It sounds as if neither of you feel an urge for the “piece of paper” which is fine but as parents you need to ensure neither of you leaves a mess for the other to sort out in the event of a death.

You both need to make wills, you both need to discuss how the estate should be managed in the event of either death to protect the children and the surviving partner. You can use life insurance, trusts etc depending on the size of the estate to manage costs but you need professional advice based on your personal circumstances. You should also discuss how the surviving partner will access funds etc for the benefit of the children and day to day living pending probate.

Once you have done all that, if you do decide to marry then you will need to update the wills (assuming you are in E&W) but the key decisions should be made and you can marry because its simply what you both want.

One other point - once you have joined together to make a family things change, with or without marriage. The disparity of income isn’t an issue if both of you are working hard and contributing to the overall well being of the family. That may help how you think about money - this is the father of your children and if anything happens to you he will still be the father of your children. I was always the higher earner (by an order) but it never mattered because we both worked hard and both were doing our best for the DC. Presumably you trust him to have the DC interests at heart just as if you were married or you wouldn’t be together.

He still earns even if it dwarfs your salary. He could be responsible for at least some outgoings. I hope you have critical illness and life cover which I think is the crucial question rather then wondering if you were to die. Of you did die he couldn't afford to run the house so it would have to be sold. He might not want that house or lifestyle which sounds as if you're spending everything to give your kids what you didn't have. Ok m glad you've met someone but as the higher earner it's a role reversal of sorts. Most men just leave it all to their wives - if you did this you must make sure they children inherit directly if your widowed husband were to find a new partner. My ex died without a will six years ago. New wife took everything and only gave the four children her two and my two a small percentage of assets. I'd be guarded against a future spouse inheriting over your own children.

outside of the massive stealth boast, as you know the MN advice is usually that the higher earner should protect themselves. And if that means not marrying, then that is it.

Don’t marry him my lovely and make a watertight Will for your kids…..xx

Just write a well thought out will. I'm sure many decent lawyers in London. Do include a clause for him though, just in case you die tonight. He'll need your money to keep funding the kids

My friend in similar situation and the husband has an insurance policy which pays up to £1 million in inheritance tax.

Sort out your feelings for your ex, and the split.

Do you see that perhaps he felt used, was hurt and he retaliated? But honestly, let it go.

You are in a different situation now, you feel different and you have created a family with this man.

I think his name should be on the mortgage though.

Talk to a professional financial adviser

I wouldn't get married.
I would write a will and leave some money to DP and majority to DC (in trust).
I would take out life insurance to cover remaining mortgage and their remaining private school (and place payout on trust to be spent on this).
I would discuss with DP the plan as you are going to need/want him to be a trustee on the provision for the DC.

I don’t think you can say you love and respect someone in one breath and then in the next justify the reasons why you are willing to drop them in the shit if you die or split up. Put your money where your mouth is.
Whether by marrying or by making individual arrangements for your pension/life insurance/house, please make sure the father of your children will be ok. You owe the children this security.

PS. What happened in your first short, childless marriage sounds quite unjust, but everything is different when there are children involved.

If he's the father of your children, he's a fantastic Dad and good husband, quite frankly I think you should give him the security and respect of marriage. If you really think this is the man you're going to grow old with, its worth it. And its not as if you do end up splitting he just walks off into the sunset, it means he'll be able to house his kids adequately. Xx

I would give the same advice to a man in your situation. You've had kids with this man and are in an equal relationship. And you're a fantastic earner, you'll never be broke even if he is entitled to a good chunk after a long marriage. (Its not as if he can divorce you in a year and take half)

I really don't think its fair that if you split or died he'd get nothing and could barely manage to rent somewhere near his kids (I'm assuming by your house value its a fairly pricey place to rent or buy). His life shouldn't be so precarious.

At the very least write a will and give him a lifetime interest in the house, your pension and get enough life insurance to cover the remaining mortgage. Xx

“He’s not bothered about marriage, and after my last experience I’ve been reluctant too.
But somehow I’ve ended up the high earner again! I bloody wish money wasn’t an issue but it seems to always become one
The situation now is that I earn around £250k, he earns about £30k. We’ve recently bought a house (around £2m) in my sole name. Pensions and savings are mine too. With my ex, everything was pooled. Now everything is deliberately separate — I feel safer that way. I pay everything though. Literally everything. Mortgage, bills, holiday, private school fees (oldest kid - youngest not started yet but will soon), food, everything for kids. I don’t ask him for a penny and I wouldn’t. I’m not a dick. He’s generous to the extent he can be and I’m grateful for the thought when he spends his money eg picking up top
up food in the week from Sainsbury’s or my Amazon mum mug on Mother’s Day buying me some chocolate when I’ve had a hard day. I genuinely appreciate it.
But here’s my worry: if I were to die, the house and assets would face a big inheritance tax bill. We’re not cash rich as my salary after tax flies out of my account on all the bills we have. So I worry the children could be forced to sell the house if I were to die to pay the IHT. Marriage would avoid some of these issues.
So I’m torn. Part of me wants to keep things as they are — I’ve worked hard for my financial security and don’t want to risk another messy split. But another part of me wonders if I’m being short-sighted not marrying, especially for the children’s sake.
What would you do?”

OP I’ve voted YANBU
I’m intrigued to know:
A.What DP does with his income
B. Is DP happy about kids in private education, holidays more expensive than he can afford, living a lifestyle which he must absolutely must know he could never afford.
Does he have any ambition/possibility advance his career, or is it just a job?
I’m happy ur happy with the large income disparity but as stated many times on this thread, probably best not to marry but ensure Will/critical illness cover/life insurance is set up exactly to benefit kids/ensure they’re not uprooted/education disrupted in the event of your sad demise.

Talk to a solicitor.

Would marriage with a pre-nup help?

Have you talked to him about your concerns? What does he think?

Prenups are not enforceable.. he may say he’s no interest in money but he clearly does as he doesn’t part with a penny of his own. Money changes everyone. Given how you have been burned in the past you would be extremely foolish to marry a man that’s earning a 10th of what you do. Put the house in trust , sort out a will

Yes, this strikes me as well.

That's why this isn't a case of "If the sexes were reversed ... "

The vast majority of SAHMs give up career prospects to do the child raising & household work. It doesn't sound like the OP's partner has given up much at all - except his adult responsibility to provide for his DC!

The OP still does the majority of the work for the family, plus she earns the money they all live on.

I'd love to know what the OP sees in her DP.

A will and a trust will protect your kids. Marriage will protect your partner. In an ideal world that would mean your kids are protected as well, but there are cases when that is not true.

Prenup. Prenup. Prenup.