AIBU not to marry DP after being burned

[FailingtoJuggle]

NC for this but happy for MN to verify I’m a pre-existing poster.

I’m 43. I married at 30, divorced at 35. No children from that marriage. I married because it felt like the “right” thing at the time — we’d been together a long time, everyone around us was settling down, and he was a nice man. We had a dream wedding. And a nice life. But I didn’t love him in the way I should have, and the thought of having children with him made me miserable. Literally I felt sick at the thought. We were more like siblings. I do regret marrying him and wish I was strong enough to have walked away before. But I was lonely.

The divorce was awful. I honestly couldn’t have imagined a nice guy like him turning so nasty. I naively thought we’d be friend forever, even after divorcing! I feel like such a dick now thinking I could be so stupid. I was the higher earner, we had no prenup, and everything was joint, including the house in London which I largely financed. He walked away with a massive amount of money (in return for leaving my pension alone) and I had to rebuild. I swore I’d never put myself in that position again.

I do believe everything happens for a reason though. Not long afterwards I met my current partner. I do genuinely love him, we’ve been together 7 years, and we now have two young DC. U honestly feel blessed and I feel for him what I never felt for my ex. Sheer love and desire and respect. Don’t get me wrong - he can be a plonker like all blokes and life is hard with two small kids in our 40s but I’m genuinely happy.

He’s not bothered about marriage, and after my last experience I’ve been reluctant too.

But somehow I’ve ended up the high earner again! I bloody wish money wasn’t an issue but it seems to always become one

The situation now is that I earn around £250k, he earns about £30k. We’ve recently bought a house (around £2m) in my sole name. Pensions and savings are mine too. With my ex, everything was pooled. Now everything is deliberately separate — I feel safer that way. I pay everything though. Literally everything. Mortgage, bills, holiday, private school fees (oldest kid - youngest not started yet but will soon), food, everything for kids. I don’t ask him for a penny and I wouldn’t. I’m not a dick. He’s generous to the extent he can be and I’m grateful for the thought when he spends his money eg picking up top
up food in the week from Sainsbury’s or my Amazon mum mug on Mother’s Day buying me some chocolate when I’ve had a hard day. I genuinely appreciate it.

But here’s my worry: if I were to die, the house and assets would face a big inheritance tax bill. We’re not cash rich as my salary after tax flies out of my account on all the bills we have. So I worry the children could be forced to sell the house if I were to die to pay the IHT. Marriage would avoid some of these issues.

So I’m torn. Part of me wants to keep things as they are — I’ve worked hard for my financial security and don’t want to risk another messy split. But another part of me wonders if I’m being short-sighted not marrying, especially for the children’s sake.

What would you do?

Oh and please don’t post if you’re going to kick me down for my salary and house price. I’m not boasting. It is what it is and relevant to the advice I’m seeking. I’m also not going to feel shit about working hard to get to where I am today. I came from a working class family where I was the first to go to university. I’ve had no silver spoons or helping hands. And no fucking “luck” either. It’s pure hard graft and I’ve already had one man fuck off back to his home country with a chunk of my hard work and I’m so distrustful of my judgment and worried it will happen again.

Sorry for the length and thanks for reading if you go this far.

YANBU - don’t marry. Keep your independence.
YABU - it won’t happen again. Marry and protect your kids.

Begrudge him half a £2m house when he earns £30k?? I think OP might feel a bit cheesed off actually……….

Can I make some sceptical noises here please? OP, either you are leaving out significant chunks of background information or this is simply a fictional scenario.

The reason I say this is that the financial situation in our family is exactly the same as the one described, except the more traditional way around, my husband is the bigger earner. The point is that I understand the sums involved intimately and know what’s possible and what isn’t.

First of all, 250k will seem like a lot of money to a lot of people, but in the set up the OP describes, it really isn’t. Half is taken up in tax.

A 2 million mortgage mere years after being financially wiped out in a divorce is an immense expense. Major question mark over affordability/ lendability.

School fees pre-tax are around £50k per kid per year. And rising, with VAT and inflation! The OP clearly anticipates being able to cover two sets of fees quite soon and quite cheerfully.

The partner’s £30k by contrast is massive if all he buys is some food, chocolate and an annual cheap mug. Being generous that is probably £500 a month. So he will have around £1500 to play with. The OP will
have a fraction of that.

Anyone earning £250k in the UK will be quite senior and really very busy. In my experience, there is simply no way they would have time for 60% of housework plus emotional labour.

It just doesn’t add up.

So, on balance, I reckon this is a fantasy thread. And I get it, living standards are plummeting, there’s little money around so everyone loves speculating about wealthy people’s non-problems. See Succession, White Lotus etc. The vicarious thrill is real. Sad and sweet and entirely understandable!

The same is true of women though but apparently that’s fine? How many people on here profess to be SAHMs of secondary age children or above (even primary age is pushing it imo). Personally I’d call that seeing a husband as a meal ticket. I absolutely agree it’s both parents’ equal responsibility to provide for their children financially, emotionally, practically, logistically. But the double standards here are staggering.

I agree. But I'd be seeking financial advice and tax advice and all the legal advice around protecting my assets for the kids whilst also not leaving my partner in the lurch, especially someone I loved and respected.

Money issues aside then, he needs to step up and parent equally.

I wouldn't marry. But, you need a watertight will and substantial life insurance ASAP, that leaves him and the kids safe (mortgage paid off, enough to live on comfortably) if you die whilst they are still minors. Presumably he couldn't service a London mortgage on his salary so assuming he'd be raising them alone, all of them need the security of not needing to move house.

Review it regularly as your circumstances change (e.g. salary goes up or down/equity in house improves) and once they get older it can be changed to secure their futures (enough for further educaiton/deposts on houses etc) and still leave him a share of the estate.

I really hope he’s maxing out his pension contributions.

In your situation I wouldn’t marry either. And I understand men who are in the situation you are in being reluctant to marry too.
But please make a will.

If it was the other way around and OP was earning £30k and her DP was earning £250k and wanting to make sure it was protected from her, people would be saying she's an idiot and should leave if he won't marry her.

What security does he have if you die currently?

Surely if you love someone and have kids with them then it doesn’t matter how much they earn.

Every day posters say the money is family money, when the man is the higher earner.

He doesn’t even need to work but chooses to anyway.
A lot of women in his situation wouldn’t work but would still expect half of the house in a divorce.

If the roles were reversed do you not think OP should be entitled to half the house in the event of a divorce?

I was thinking along similar lines. That OP, a very intelligent woman earning £250k, is thinking so carefully about her children’s financial position should she die, and asking about marriage rather than about making a will, is a little strange.

Agree with much of this though unless you’re talking boarding, school fees are nothing like £50,000 per year per child.

I can't help thinking if you don't trust him, then don't marry him.

Don’t be naive it isn’t about trust.
marriage is incredibly useful for a couple starting out it can be much trickier for couples who are further on and have different financial levels it is a problem especially with blended families.

the OP wants to future proof by making sure it goes to her children and not to someone else

instead she needs to be pragmatic get what she needs to be sorted with financial and legal advice and make sure everyone is protected her assets

If my husband was earning 250K and me 30K I'd be contributing more than buying chocolate and one mug per year... if he would be happier of paying everything I would be saving my salary for our future like retirement or maybe paying holidays every year. If one person in the relationship is earning 250K means or that person has a very stressful job with lots of responsibilities or he/she has a normal job but is doing lot of hours. If OP was my partner with my salary we could pay a cleaner so OP wouldn't need to do 60% of house chores.

People keep saying 'if it was the other way around' but the dynamics between a very high earner and a low/average earner don't stay the same when you flip the sexes.

His security is his £30K annual salary and whatever savings he's (hopefully) been making with someone else paying for him to have a roof over his head.

I know this is not the point of the thread - but what sector are you in?

In terms of what you asked for really what best protects your kids? I’d def book in With a good solicitor and financial planner, get your will up to date and have it name your children as main beneficiaries. I think you can look into trusts to offset IHT. Make sure you have life insurance. This could be enough to safeguard you without getting married.

How do the dynamics change when you flip the sexes?

I don’t see how it is different at all.

It is not like he’s taken a hit to his salary as a result of childcare.

He just works in a very low paid industry and only part time ish (on average about 3 or 4 days a week but 12 hour day). It was the same when I met him. He has never had any interest in earning or working more. He never had a pension when I met him (still doesn’t) or savings. He just never thought about the future. Bearing in mind he was early 40s when I met him.

A few people have asked what he spends his salary on. Well, he drives to work so he puts petrol in the car. He also takes responsibility for the car so pays the MOT and servicing for that. If an unexpected bill comes through, he might also pay for that - like we needed a new sump pump recently which was £700, so he just paid for that. I didn’t ask he just did it. He’s not tight. And he’s not like one of those men who has expensive hobbies (neither do I) or goes off on holidays on his own (neither do I).

He doesn’t have a huge amount of savings. I don’t ask how much. But on occasion when it’s built up and he has a few thousand spare he offers to transfer it to me to put in ‘our savings’. He sees the savings (which are primarily my contribution and in an account in my name) as the family savings - and to be honest that’s right. We are a family and those savings will be spent on the family or passed to the kids. He trusts me so part of me feels guilty I don’t trust him and he’s entirely vulnerable if I was to walk away. But also part of me feels he’s not really in any different financial position to when I met him so it’s not like he’s “sacrificed” anything.

Here you go - I’m one of multiple posters who have already covered this upthread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5398079-aibu-not-to-marry-dp-after-being-burned?reply=146661490

So you only think women should get half in a divorce if they have children?

You think that if the woman chooses not to have children (or can’t) she shouldn’t get half of the assets, even if they’ve been married for 30+ years say?

I am not saying you’re wrong but I’m surprised you feel this way as I sort of thought marriage was sharing everything and seeing each other as equal.

This right there is why most dads who have sacrificed and put in time especially for their daughters who then become successful are against what can be regarded as marrying down. Some people see lack of aspiration and ambition in early relationship as a red flag incompatibility. As a father to two young daughters this is one of lifes challenges I will advice them to go with eyes open and not to be thinking just emotionally when dating. Life unfortunately has some real practicalities regardles of how much people may love each other. The reality is this is something that needs to be grappled with either way.

I would go see a solicitor specialising in family law and finances. I suspect the best option is some kind of trust.

I also dont think that you should be worrying that much about inheritance tax. It is what it is but your kids will still do ok.

Nice try to misrepresent what I said. I’m not biting.

If she'd given up her job and all financial security (inc a pension) to look after the children, and support him to build his career, and she wanted marriage. Then, yes.

He just works in a very low paid industry and only part time ish (on average about 3 or 4 days a week but 12 hour day). It was the same when I met him. He has never had any interest in earning or working more. He never had a pension when I met him (still doesn’t) or savings. He just never thought about the future. Bearing in mind he was early 40s when I met him.

As I suspected ...

Easy not to think about a pension, or the future, or be easygoing with money when you have a high earning partner.

Easy to only work 3-4 days a week when you have a high earning partner.

And not many men in this situation would be as ethically concerned about it as @FailingtoJuggle is.

But your story is ringing bells, OP. Have you posted about him before? Not earning much, not working many days, and also not doing the bulk of the housework & family work?