AIBU not to marry DP after being burned

[FailingtoJuggle]

NC for this but happy for MN to verify I’m a pre-existing poster.

I’m 43. I married at 30, divorced at 35. No children from that marriage. I married because it felt like the “right” thing at the time — we’d been together a long time, everyone around us was settling down, and he was a nice man. We had a dream wedding. And a nice life. But I didn’t love him in the way I should have, and the thought of having children with him made me miserable. Literally I felt sick at the thought. We were more like siblings. I do regret marrying him and wish I was strong enough to have walked away before. But I was lonely.

The divorce was awful. I honestly couldn’t have imagined a nice guy like him turning so nasty. I naively thought we’d be friend forever, even after divorcing! I feel like such a dick now thinking I could be so stupid. I was the higher earner, we had no prenup, and everything was joint, including the house in London which I largely financed. He walked away with a massive amount of money (in return for leaving my pension alone) and I had to rebuild. I swore I’d never put myself in that position again.

I do believe everything happens for a reason though. Not long afterwards I met my current partner. I do genuinely love him, we’ve been together 7 years, and we now have two young DC. U honestly feel blessed and I feel for him what I never felt for my ex. Sheer love and desire and respect. Don’t get me wrong - he can be a plonker like all blokes and life is hard with two small kids in our 40s but I’m genuinely happy.

He’s not bothered about marriage, and after my last experience I’ve been reluctant too.

But somehow I’ve ended up the high earner again! I bloody wish money wasn’t an issue but it seems to always become one

The situation now is that I earn around £250k, he earns about £30k. We’ve recently bought a house (around £2m) in my sole name. Pensions and savings are mine too. With my ex, everything was pooled. Now everything is deliberately separate — I feel safer that way. I pay everything though. Literally everything. Mortgage, bills, holiday, private school fees (oldest kid - youngest not started yet but will soon), food, everything for kids. I don’t ask him for a penny and I wouldn’t. I’m not a dick. He’s generous to the extent he can be and I’m grateful for the thought when he spends his money eg picking up top
up food in the week from Sainsbury’s or my Amazon mum mug on Mother’s Day buying me some chocolate when I’ve had a hard day. I genuinely appreciate it.

But here’s my worry: if I were to die, the house and assets would face a big inheritance tax bill. We’re not cash rich as my salary after tax flies out of my account on all the bills we have. So I worry the children could be forced to sell the house if I were to die to pay the IHT. Marriage would avoid some of these issues.

So I’m torn. Part of me wants to keep things as they are — I’ve worked hard for my financial security and don’t want to risk another messy split. But another part of me wonders if I’m being short-sighted not marrying, especially for the children’s sake.

What would you do?

Oh and please don’t post if you’re going to kick me down for my salary and house price. I’m not boasting. It is what it is and relevant to the advice I’m seeking. I’m also not going to feel shit about working hard to get to where I am today. I came from a working class family where I was the first to go to university. I’ve had no silver spoons or helping hands. And no fucking “luck” either. It’s pure hard graft and I’ve already had one man fuck off back to his home country with a chunk of my hard work and I’m so distrustful of my judgment and worried it will happen again.

Sorry for the length and thanks for reading if you go this far.

YANBU - don’t marry. Keep your independence.
YABU - it won’t happen again. Marry and protect your kids.

Management consultancy, accountancy in a Big 4 firm (KPMG/EY/Deloittes/PwC), a lawyer in a major law firm, investment banking, Finance, international companies with big capital projects.

You do a sought after degree, get on a highly competitive graduate programme in a top firm for that profession (or these days, sometimes a degree level apprenticeship straight from A levels). You work your fingers to the bone to progress up the ladder fast, bring in clients and proft and make yourself valuable to the company. Depending on what you do, you may move countriesto work abroad for a while or just do loads of international travel. Sounds glamorous but rarely is. You make Director or Partner level young and work incredibly hard to stay there.

You can do it in other less well paid professions and even the public sector but it will probably take longer to get there, you'll need to be more senior than your private sector peers to earn the same, and you'll max out your earning potential at a lower level than them

It's a different world to most of us but it's entirely normal when you're in it. Large salaries and big bonuses. You don't dream about these salaries, you have to be driven to succeed and have the staying power & skillset to achieve.

It’s easy to be calm and relaxed if you are not the one doing everything to keep the family afloat, and have no ambition or intention of improving your life or those closest to you.
Happy to leave it to someone else whilst you sail along.at the bottom of the food chain at work, but enjoy the fruits of someone rise’s stomach ulcer and exhaustion.

Your dh could work harder, he has the advantages of his male privilege, a body that hasn’t suffered multiple pregnancies, labours and breastfeeding etfc. He just chooses out to, and lets you struggle on. It’s very selfish and one sided.

You should both be working extremely hard. The inequality is profound. There is no way I would be marrying him. No. You might find resentment builds later as you face the menopause op. No one deserves a free ride in this life. He already hss an amazing life because of you.

Maybe your stress levels would be much lower if he was to share the financial load op?

If I have to pay for and then play house maid to a lazy man who does bugger all I'd have zero respect for him. I certainly wouldn't marry him and give him my life's work instead of giving it to my children.
That would be an unbelievably stupid thing to do. I can see it very clearly now in my 60s, something I couldn't do when my ovaries were casting their rosy glow over the cracks in my relationships.

Get legal advice first from a family solicitor

All I can say is, I'm jealous of your partner! What a lucky guy.

Isn’t there some sort of legal set up that could protect the house for the children and for him to live in, but not own, if that’s what you wanted
Ditto investments/savings

Well. To me you seem to think you've done no harm and that you're the victim

You're saying you genuinely loved your ex in one breath, and in the next you're saying the thought of having kids with him made you feel sick.

Your words.

Think you need to build some self awareness to say the least

I was thinking the same thing. If the OP decides to leave the relationship, her partner is the one that is left in shit.

And it also seems fair that her last husband did get his share of assets being married since she was the one that left the marriage. One she admits she shouldn’t have done.

See you say you don’t want to sound transactional and untrusting but that’s what how you are acting even if it is to protect your interest. I am not judging you for that but just saying that’s the reality.

Fair enough but would you say you genuinely love him when you think of him as a lazy man who does bugger all? Sometimes it’s best to make up your mind if that person is someone you love or a lazy man.

I don’t understand the thought behind - Make watertight will for children.

Does op have a reason to believe her DP can take advantage of her property and savings and deprive the kids of wealth earned by their mother? If that is the case, this partnership has serious issues or atleast trust issues.

So far, on one hand op says she is able to respect, desire and love her dp in a way she never did before. They have been together for 7 years and yet she does not want to marry because she is more worried about 2 million house than anything else. Such marriages happen often in the celebrity world which we all know can be pretty transactional - one side marrying for money and the other for youth, looks but here op is talking about love, respect in a way we don’t see in that world.

It seems like op cannot trust her dp and values money more than relationship based on what she says here.

He trusts me so part of me feels guilty I don’t trust him and he’s entirely vulnerable if I was to walk away. But also part of me feels he’s not really in any different financial position to when I met him so it’s not like he’s “sacrificed” anything.

I find this thread very sad for OP’s DP. Perhaps my view would have been different if op didn’t paint such positive image of her partner and relationship in the op.

Don't marry. Make a will leaving the house to the children ( not him, he could marry after your death and leave it to his wife) and take out an insurance policy to cover any inheritance tax and also to make a payment to your partner so he wouldn't struggle. This can be revised as necessary as the children grow

Don't listen to all the "if the genders were reversed" stuff. The genders are never reversed. The woman is always the one to put her life, health and career and earning capacity on the line to bear the children. Never the man. So the woman is always the most vulnerable once she has children. You have managed to mitigate this by your good career, but it still doesn't mean your partner is the same as a mother would be in his position.

Regarding the will, if the OP leaves the house to her partner, he could marry and the children might get nothing. He might have a second family, as men get a longer time to do this.You could even say it would leave him vulnerable to predatory women, as a marriage would revoke any will he might make prior.

The same might be said of OP if she were left alone, but as she was the one who earned the money and has already been bitten by an expensive divorce, she is less likely to fall for it

He landed on his feet with you, didn't he.
You are the family workhorse.
I definitely wouldn't bd marrying him.
Get legal advice.
Get him to pull his weight too.

Why doesn't he contribute much?

Whilst his salary doesn't compare to yours he'd have to pay out if he was living on his own

I'm not saying all of it should be gone but he should be paying for something

Definitely write your will AND powers of attorney. A civil partnership will offer the same legal protection as a marriage if you don’t want to go then that route.

Sorry I don’t understand this level of practical thinking. Of course a lot of bad things can happen to op or his partner but is this how people live their life watertighting everything?
I think she is viewing her present relationship through the lens of her past one. And to be honest, she changed her mind and started to see her ex as a sibling than husband and was repulsed by the thought of having kids with him. So while her ex had no right to walk away with 50% of her assets, she was also pretty casual about marriage, marrying someone whom she saw as a sibling.

This relationship is different still op worries her past replaying.

Does op have some illness that she has started to think this way? And has she seen any signs in her dp that in such situation he would be such a selfish father?

I am not saying she should give him his property in the will but I am talking about the attitude about watertighting the will like she is living with a man with no character and she must do everything possible to protect her children. If that’s the way she wants to be in the relationship, she should carry on but sooner or later her DP will see through that and he wont feel op’s genuine love, respect towards him.

Why can’t she talk to her DP and talk through her resentment, which is forcing herself not to feel?

realise you are t happy because you don’t sound it

Maybe you are right she is not happy, but then it should be a completely different kind of thread.

With all that money/chip on your shoulder and you are asking us?? Why not pay for a professional to advise. Surely if you did marry you would marry with a prenup this time so that takes care of that. The general public who inevitably benefit from tax are not the people who should be giving you advice. You can gift it to them now if you own your home with no mortgage and hope they don’t turf you or your partner out when they are older.

Instead of asking on Mumsnet, speak to a solicitor that specialises in inheritance tax.

That would be an Estate Planner.

Yep, we probably would, because that's what we do when someone posts about being in a long-term relationship, which includes joint children, with a wealthy man who is reluctant to marry. However, in this instance and bearing in mind the OP's previous marital experience, she'd be crazy to put herself in that position again.

OP, you need to consult a lawyer and/or an accountant who will explain how you can best protect your income and assets in the event of a split, while still making sensible arrangements for your partner and children in the future. I'm sure that you would want to provide for all of them if the worst happened. But in your situation you need to be as canny and hard-headed as the wealthy men we hear so much about.

And, not the point I know and I quite understand if you don't want to reveal it, but what sector do you work in and what do you do to earn such a fantastic salary? (No snippiness from me by the way - bloody good on you!) Asking for a friend!

I just can't get any further than that, here in UK, a youngish couple with no kids can divorce and one claim half the others pension. I thought it was only in USA bat shit stuff like this happened. I feel sick just reading it.

How is that batshit?
It's marriage
Just don't ever get married then. It's not mandatory