AIBU not to marry DP after being burned

[FailingtoJuggle]

NC for this but happy for MN to verify I’m a pre-existing poster.

I’m 43. I married at 30, divorced at 35. No children from that marriage. I married because it felt like the “right” thing at the time — we’d been together a long time, everyone around us was settling down, and he was a nice man. We had a dream wedding. And a nice life. But I didn’t love him in the way I should have, and the thought of having children with him made me miserable. Literally I felt sick at the thought. We were more like siblings. I do regret marrying him and wish I was strong enough to have walked away before. But I was lonely.

The divorce was awful. I honestly couldn’t have imagined a nice guy like him turning so nasty. I naively thought we’d be friend forever, even after divorcing! I feel like such a dick now thinking I could be so stupid. I was the higher earner, we had no prenup, and everything was joint, including the house in London which I largely financed. He walked away with a massive amount of money (in return for leaving my pension alone) and I had to rebuild. I swore I’d never put myself in that position again.

I do believe everything happens for a reason though. Not long afterwards I met my current partner. I do genuinely love him, we’ve been together 7 years, and we now have two young DC. U honestly feel blessed and I feel for him what I never felt for my ex. Sheer love and desire and respect. Don’t get me wrong - he can be a plonker like all blokes and life is hard with two small kids in our 40s but I’m genuinely happy.

He’s not bothered about marriage, and after my last experience I’ve been reluctant too.

But somehow I’ve ended up the high earner again! I bloody wish money wasn’t an issue but it seems to always become one

The situation now is that I earn around £250k, he earns about £30k. We’ve recently bought a house (around £2m) in my sole name. Pensions and savings are mine too. With my ex, everything was pooled. Now everything is deliberately separate — I feel safer that way. I pay everything though. Literally everything. Mortgage, bills, holiday, private school fees (oldest kid - youngest not started yet but will soon), food, everything for kids. I don’t ask him for a penny and I wouldn’t. I’m not a dick. He’s generous to the extent he can be and I’m grateful for the thought when he spends his money eg picking up top
up food in the week from Sainsbury’s or my Amazon mum mug on Mother’s Day buying me some chocolate when I’ve had a hard day. I genuinely appreciate it.

But here’s my worry: if I were to die, the house and assets would face a big inheritance tax bill. We’re not cash rich as my salary after tax flies out of my account on all the bills we have. So I worry the children could be forced to sell the house if I were to die to pay the IHT. Marriage would avoid some of these issues.

So I’m torn. Part of me wants to keep things as they are — I’ve worked hard for my financial security and don’t want to risk another messy split. But another part of me wonders if I’m being short-sighted not marrying, especially for the children’s sake.

What would you do?

Oh and please don’t post if you’re going to kick me down for my salary and house price. I’m not boasting. It is what it is and relevant to the advice I’m seeking. I’m also not going to feel shit about working hard to get to where I am today. I came from a working class family where I was the first to go to university. I’ve had no silver spoons or helping hands. And no fucking “luck” either. It’s pure hard graft and I’ve already had one man fuck off back to his home country with a chunk of my hard work and I’m so distrustful of my judgment and worried it will happen again.

Sorry for the length and thanks for reading if you go this far.

YANBU - don’t marry. Keep your independence.
YABU - it won’t happen again. Marry and protect your kids.

@EdgarAllenRaven mentioned if the situation was reversed & it was a man posting about his female partner then everyone would be up in arms
&
@FailingtoJuggle mentioned it was usually in that case most of the chores fell to the woman
Then she mentioned the chore division in her household.

I was replying to both points but accidentally hit post before I finished my post.

If its not broken, don't fix it.

There is probably a solution for a way to make things easier if you did die. But that depends on you having a Will and getting the right advice. Stop putting it off. Go and see a lawyer specialising in Wills and estates.

If you split then I would say you’re essentially relying on yourself to do the right thing by him. So not letting him walk away with nothing. But for me this would depend on what he is doing with his money now. Is he amping up his pension? Saving a good amount? Can you pay a decent amount in cms so your kids have a similar standard of living at both homes?

Start with getting the Will sorted.

Off topic but why does he earn so little, wspecially for London?

It is all very well for posters to say sell the house after your die, they’ll be OK but they’ll be a grieving young family with no decent future income having to likely relocate and completely change their lives.

Talk to a financial advisor as rather than marriage, if you died tomorrow, that is what I would be more wary about sorting, legally.

Nowhere in the OP does it say that he is the primary caregiver.

I am.similar to the OP. Divorced at 30, now in a long term relationship with the father of my child. I earn 6 figures, he's a civil servant, which in London is close to nothing.

Nothing, and I really do mean nothing , makes up for the physical and emotional toll of pregnancy and mat leave. Years of my life that I will never fully recover from.

And the feeling of being pregnant, puking 10 times a day for 9 months and knowing I can't even take ONE sick day as I am the higher earner and everything depends on me? No one there to care for ME? Fuck that. No male will ever understand that feeling.

if the situation was reversed it would be entirely different because she, as his wife would be doing all the childcare, the mental load, the house work and her pension would likely have taken a hit whilst on mat leave. I’d never advise a woman to have children with a man unless they’re married, especially if her own situation is precarious. In this case, her partner only earns £30k but not because he went off and had 2 babies and his career has taken a massive hit.

OP, I have no advice except if I were you I wouldn’t marry him; instead I’d speak to a wealth manager.

Does he have any prospects of earning more? How did he live before you got together?

I am curious as to how you met unless he’s your PT. And also how anyone can earning £30k can survive in London 🤔 .

@FailingtoJuggle if you were to die what would your partner do, would you leave him high and dry if the DC are old enough to inherit?

Make an appointment with an IFA. It's money well spent

Going through a divorce at present where he was the high earner and the bastard has thrown me under the bus. DO NOT GET MARRIED.

He pays for nothing and earns £30k. He should be saving a fortune. If he's not sorting himself out in the event of a split then he's a fool but he has more options than the vast majority of women do.

What a load of bollocks. The only way she’d be doing all the mental load/housework/childcare as well as working is if she married some deadbeat who doesn’t pull his weight. It’s not a given. OP has literally had children and out-earns her partner almost tenfold. The higher earner is screwed over by marriage (well, divorce) regardless of whether they’re male or female or in a heterosexual or same-sex marriage. It’s one of the reasons I’d be happy to see marriage abolished, it might make the sort of woman you describe take steps to protect her financial independence before having kids, or relying on a man to provide it. But basically what you’re saying is if OP’s husband was a woman and she was a man, they should get married, but as he’s male he’s fine to walk away without enough money to house himself and the kids if they split up? Sure, seems legit.

What a load of bollocks. The only way she’d be doing all the mental load/housework/childcare as well as working is if she married some deadbeat who doesn’t pull his weight. It’s not a given. OP has literally had children and out-earns her partner almost tenfold. The higher earner is screwed over by marriage (well, divorce) regardless of whether they’re male or female or in a heterosexual or same-sex marriage. It’s one of the reasons I’d be happy to see marriage abolished, it might make the sort of woman you describe to protect her financial independence. But basically what you’re saying is if OP’s husband was a woman and she was a man, they should get married, but as he’s male he’s fine to walk away without enough money to house himself and the kids if they split up? Sure, seems legit.

If you're only worried about inheritance tax and the outstanding mortgage upon your death, a life insurance plan will pretty much cover it.

Does he? Living in London on 30k? Would you say the same if he was female?

Get some life insurance but make sure it is put into trust so that it does not fall into your estate on death.
Given your situation I would also recommend you speak to an IFA about other protections too, such as critical illness and permanent health insurance. If you got sick it sounds like your household would be slightly fucked.

I wouldn’t marry in this situation. Go and see a solicitor and set out a will that provides for him and puts money in trust for your children.

You’d be entering into this marriage knowing it’s a massive risk.

Read the title and thought you’d been physically burned, ie with fire. Slightly relieved you weren’t the victim of domestic abuse.

Regarding your question, can’t really help, apart from to echo the above poster and say write a will.

Also slightly surprised in the massive disparity in wages, unless he was a sahd or due to illness etc (but nothing implies that). Maybe read too much mumsnet (and currently can’t sleep), but I hope he’s an equal partner around the house, or does more , as I presume you have the more demanding job (and is not a cocklodger).

Yes because she pays the mortgage and living costs so what's living in London got to do with anything 🤨 he should be able to save at least £1.5k a month easy.
yes I would say that if he were a woman because I believe at the end of the day we are all responsible for ourselves and so I don't think he's automatically entitled to her wealth because he had kids with her. He's not in financial difficulties and she's not making him contribute (as she shouldn't, with such an income disparity) so he's in a very good position. I would also hope that she'd provide for him in her will too but that's discretionary since otherwise the beneficiaries are their joint children.

You want to protect your children so I’d get a couple of different opinions on how best to do that.

If marrying is the best option, you could explore a prenup - they aren’t legally binding in this county but if they are reasonable then the court can choose to take them into account when making arrangements in a divorce.

If you don’t marry, then if you love this chap I would insist he see a financial advisor so he gets his future sorted if you were to separate. You may need to explore ways to help him with that, at least a bit. If he is doing more childcare/household care than you then you really ought to do that. Alternatively can you take steps to support him to increase his earning power? He is a grown ass adult but he is a fool for not insisting on some formal sharing of assets, if not marriage, and you need to be comfortable you aren’t taking advantage of some naivety on his part.

If he is this naive then I would insist he sorts out his financial future - just because I would not want to take advantage of someone’s naivety, and then have to deal with feeling crap because my kids’ father was penniless were we to split. You might feel mean by addressing it but actually you are being a lot meaner by not addressing it.

I think you are being given a fair amount of slack on this thread because you got badly burned last time, but don’t take advantage of this guy being a bit of a financial dope.

Wow this post depresses me. He's the father of your children who you supposedly genuinely love. Why wouldn't you share everything with him.

As regards your last marriage. That's what marriage is- What's yours is mine. You were with him a long time, he in some way will have been supportive in your life enough to aid you in achieving what you did. Then you marry him even though the thought of having kids with him makes you sick. He does nothing wrong. Then you moan that he walked away with some of your money when you ditched him

Wow.

There is some absolutely useless legal advice on this thread. Do not ever put assets in your children's names if you want to hold onto them. They can chuck you out of your house and I have seen it happen. If you marry, your previous will becomes void unless it was made in contemplation of marriage. You really should have a will if you have children and a partner. And yes, I am a solicitor but not in the UK.

For what it's worth, I have a pre-nuptial agreement though I live in a country where they are enforceable. I earned more than my husband though not to the extent that you do. We have been happily married for over thirty years and never had to use it. My husband had no issue about signing.

I am going to be really blunt here but if you should marry and then divorce then he is not going to want to give up the lifestyle he has come to enjoy and go live on his £30,000 salary with no claim on the house or your pension or whatever. People become accustomed to a lifestyle and feel very aggrieved if they are facing having to scale back and in his case it would be a massive scaling back. It's not transactional to safeguard your financial future. Ideally, you never have to use it. Also your partner has a lifestyle far beyond what he could afford on his salary so he's not all that proud.

Men change or sometimes reveal things that you never thought they had within them - just as your former husband did. Let say for a moment, your husband, feeling emasculated by your success, has his head turned by a younger or less successful woman. If you were married without an agreement, he could well waltz off with half your house and half your pension to feather the new lovenest. The world is full of women who thought their husband would never do this - right up until he did.

I suggest you spend some money and see a family law specialist and take their advice.

Don’t marry - marriage protects women who sacrifice career and income for maternity and doing the bulk of housework and family work.

if your only concern is the inheritance tax, why not take out a life insurance specifically to pay that?

I suppose I’d wonder why a man in his forties only earns £30k but that’s a secondary issue if he pulls his weight doing most of the household stuff.

You need appropriate life insurance, not marriage.

You need a Will

I’ve just read that he doesn’t pull his weight at home - irrespective of what else you do, that needs to change!

You’re very generous @FailingtoJuggle and you say he’s not money oriented. My cynical self responds that it’s very easy to be so unmaterialistic when you’re supplied with a constant stream of money and a good life. It’s very easy for him to pretend that he’s not interested in money - if you said you wanted a break from doing 90% of looking after the family- money, child care, mental load , and the night feeds! I suspect his attitude would change. Your first husband’s change was not unique to him - it reads like a very typical masculine response to a woman not giving him exactly what he thinks he deserves.

Don’t let history repeat itself - a will, a life insurance policy and you’re set.

And look after yourself - you sound admirably sane, balanced and hard-working. Kudos to you !