AIBU not to marry DP after being burned

[FailingtoJuggle]

NC for this but happy for MN to verify I’m a pre-existing poster.

I’m 43. I married at 30, divorced at 35. No children from that marriage. I married because it felt like the “right” thing at the time — we’d been together a long time, everyone around us was settling down, and he was a nice man. We had a dream wedding. And a nice life. But I didn’t love him in the way I should have, and the thought of having children with him made me miserable. Literally I felt sick at the thought. We were more like siblings. I do regret marrying him and wish I was strong enough to have walked away before. But I was lonely.

The divorce was awful. I honestly couldn’t have imagined a nice guy like him turning so nasty. I naively thought we’d be friend forever, even after divorcing! I feel like such a dick now thinking I could be so stupid. I was the higher earner, we had no prenup, and everything was joint, including the house in London which I largely financed. He walked away with a massive amount of money (in return for leaving my pension alone) and I had to rebuild. I swore I’d never put myself in that position again.

I do believe everything happens for a reason though. Not long afterwards I met my current partner. I do genuinely love him, we’ve been together 7 years, and we now have two young DC. U honestly feel blessed and I feel for him what I never felt for my ex. Sheer love and desire and respect. Don’t get me wrong - he can be a plonker like all blokes and life is hard with two small kids in our 40s but I’m genuinely happy.

He’s not bothered about marriage, and after my last experience I’ve been reluctant too.

But somehow I’ve ended up the high earner again! I bloody wish money wasn’t an issue but it seems to always become one

The situation now is that I earn around £250k, he earns about £30k. We’ve recently bought a house (around £2m) in my sole name. Pensions and savings are mine too. With my ex, everything was pooled. Now everything is deliberately separate — I feel safer that way. I pay everything though. Literally everything. Mortgage, bills, holiday, private school fees (oldest kid - youngest not started yet but will soon), food, everything for kids. I don’t ask him for a penny and I wouldn’t. I’m not a dick. He’s generous to the extent he can be and I’m grateful for the thought when he spends his money eg picking up top
up food in the week from Sainsbury’s or my Amazon mum mug on Mother’s Day buying me some chocolate when I’ve had a hard day. I genuinely appreciate it.

But here’s my worry: if I were to die, the house and assets would face a big inheritance tax bill. We’re not cash rich as my salary after tax flies out of my account on all the bills we have. So I worry the children could be forced to sell the house if I were to die to pay the IHT. Marriage would avoid some of these issues.

So I’m torn. Part of me wants to keep things as they are — I’ve worked hard for my financial security and don’t want to risk another messy split. But another part of me wonders if I’m being short-sighted not marrying, especially for the children’s sake.

What would you do?

Oh and please don’t post if you’re going to kick me down for my salary and house price. I’m not boasting. It is what it is and relevant to the advice I’m seeking. I’m also not going to feel shit about working hard to get to where I am today. I came from a working class family where I was the first to go to university. I’ve had no silver spoons or helping hands. And no fucking “luck” either. It’s pure hard graft and I’ve already had one man fuck off back to his home country with a chunk of my hard work and I’m so distrustful of my judgment and worried it will happen again.

Sorry for the length and thanks for reading if you go this far.

YANBU - don’t marry. Keep your independence.
YABU - it won’t happen again. Marry and protect your kids.

Don’t get married. Your children are more likely to lose out if he divorces you and takes half of everything to start a new life with someone else, than the very small probability that you die. Get a will and make sure the executor is a trusted family member eg parent / sibling / cousin on your side, and it’s in trust for your children!

Also, not to be morbid if you did die and were married there’s nothing stopping him spending everything on new wife and her kids a la Cinderella!

You are worrying unnecessarily.
Go and see an estate planner who also writes wills. This is the most important thing, Estate Planner, NOT solicitor.

Don't get married.

The issue is inheritance tax which is not payable on a property if it is inherited by a spouse.

And pensions, although OP did not mention this.

Don’t waste time asking Mumsnet! Spend some time with a proper financial adviser. Worth every penny.

Talk to a specialist lawyer and a good financial advisor. Pay well for the best advice. There may be ways of circumventing IHT via trusts etc. It should be possible to ring-fence everything you brought into the relationship so that in the event of a break-up you get what you arrived with. You might also discuss a pre-nup: they're not necessarily binding, but they can heavily influence a court's decision.

If you do marry, I'd advise creating a secret savings fund for myself that he knows nothing about and which his lawyers won't find in the event of divorce. Give it away to your children later in life, preferably seven years before you die, if all goes well.

Don’t Marry he isn’t good with money. Get a will and Life insurance. Inheritance is the red herring and on balance is worth paying.

30k is 2k a month. What does he spend that on.

But he’s not bringing very much else to the family. @FailingtoJuggle says she does the mental load + 60% of childcare and housework.

He’s contributing …. Just what, exactly?

Talk to a specialist solicitor and draw up a will. Get life insurance. You need to aim to protect both your DC and your DP - until he remarries or cohabits - if you died tomorrow. That is what a loving parent and partner does.

As for marriage, ‘never let the tax tail wag the financial dog’. It doesn’t sound like you want to marry, he’s not bothered, and while it will double the IHT allowance for your estate, it opens up your DC to the risk of being cut out in a remarriage situation.

Don't marry him OP. .Marriage isn't about love it's a legal contract.
Stay independent, there is no need for successful women to marry lower earners. You cannot know if the marriage will last.

Don't get married just to avoid inheritance tax. You have no idea how this tax will change over the years, or if it will favour married couples in future. Do make a will and include a clause for access to money to look after the children as minors.

This.

There is a strong likelihood the 7 year exemption is going in the budget and a lifetime cap on gifts being introduced.

So because he didn't carry a human or breastfeed, he deserves to have absolutely no security?

He needs to contribute to his own security and his household. The OP hugely out earns him and does the lions share of the domestic work and mental load.

Literally the point of marriage is that it protects the person who, for biological reasons, is disadvantaged economically. Thats what its for. It ensures that the person who is maintaining the household and supporting the children gets adequately recompensed if the breadwinner fucks off.

The OP is both breadwinner and keeping the household ticking over. Why should she also have to support an able bodied adult who is not pulling his weight. There are plenty of ways to make sure he isn’t left destitute if she dies young. But why should she hand over half of the wealth she alone has generated to him if she is getting nothing in return?

But this could be because he sees @FailingtoJuggle as his meal ticket - probably sub- or unconsciously - and hasn’t tried to secure his own financial security.

He’s an adult, yet he doesn’t do even half of the work to keep his family going, yet the OP should be providing for him as well??

You talk about getting 'burned' in your first marriage, but you married 'because everyone else was' and divorced within 5 years because you 'felt sick at the thought of having kids with him' despite describing his as a 'nice man'. And you feel that he was unfair to you because you wanted to stay friends after all that but it sounds like he was heartbroken.

Marry or don't, but I think your perception of being a victim in your first marriage might be a bit skewed.

This

We set up a trust, which took all the worry away.

Good advice on insurance too.

Could you get a very robust and good insurance policy to protect your kids in the event of death? Hopefully wouldn’t come to it but you would sleep better knowing kids were looked after and so was the man you loved.

I was in similar position to you - although nowhere near your salary and DH was basically SAHD. I married him largely to protect his interests to DC and rights as my next of kin - rather than my parents getting to make decisions if I became incapacitated or died. Finance was really a secondary concern - house still in my name which I mean to sort out next time we remortgage. Been married 15 years.

Put the house into your kids’ names? Don’t tell anyone that you’ve done it, and just register a Letter of Wishes with a solicitor laying out the details for them.

Got to say I agree with your thinking - sounds like it was first DH who was burned and people, even nice people do turn "nasty" when they are heartbroken and betrayed, the closest emotion to love being hate and all that.

Bad idea for lots of reasons, removes entirely OPs rights to sell etc., it becomes a gift with reservation of benefit so does not avoid IHT (7 year does not apply) and removes the children's tax reliefs as first time buyers.

Thanks for this! Was thinking about something similar for my DC. Clearly need to consult a tax expert!! xx

You can marry to avoid inheritance tax bill. In fact our close friends are doing that after 20 years.
You could take detailed financial advice to find out what the inheritance tax bill is likely to be, aff 20% to it and take out life insurance.
You need to take legal advice to work out how you can protect your assets for your kids but also make reasonable provision for dp. There's no point in them having a £2m house and dps income is £30k
In your shoes, I think id want dp to have enough to raise the kids on comfortably and then be able to buy a decent home for himself once the kids are off.

What would happen if you were hit by a bus tomorrow? You definitely need a will, life insurance, etc.

If you did decide to get married in the future, remember that invalidates any existing will, unless made in anticipation of marriage. But you can change a will at any time, and one you male now to ensure your children are cared for if they are not adult, and gives him a lifetime home, might not be the same will you make when your children have grown into independent adults. You wouldn't need to consider who will care for them then, for one thing.

But you shoukd make a will. If you died intestate tomorrow, that would be far harder on your partner and children.

Absolutely do, there are lots of trust arrangements, will trusts etc. expert can help!