AIBU not to marry DP after being burned

[FailingtoJuggle]

NC for this but happy for MN to verify I’m a pre-existing poster.

I’m 43. I married at 30, divorced at 35. No children from that marriage. I married because it felt like the “right” thing at the time — we’d been together a long time, everyone around us was settling down, and he was a nice man. We had a dream wedding. And a nice life. But I didn’t love him in the way I should have, and the thought of having children with him made me miserable. Literally I felt sick at the thought. We were more like siblings. I do regret marrying him and wish I was strong enough to have walked away before. But I was lonely.

The divorce was awful. I honestly couldn’t have imagined a nice guy like him turning so nasty. I naively thought we’d be friend forever, even after divorcing! I feel like such a dick now thinking I could be so stupid. I was the higher earner, we had no prenup, and everything was joint, including the house in London which I largely financed. He walked away with a massive amount of money (in return for leaving my pension alone) and I had to rebuild. I swore I’d never put myself in that position again.

I do believe everything happens for a reason though. Not long afterwards I met my current partner. I do genuinely love him, we’ve been together 7 years, and we now have two young DC. U honestly feel blessed and I feel for him what I never felt for my ex. Sheer love and desire and respect. Don’t get me wrong - he can be a plonker like all blokes and life is hard with two small kids in our 40s but I’m genuinely happy.

He’s not bothered about marriage, and after my last experience I’ve been reluctant too.

But somehow I’ve ended up the high earner again! I bloody wish money wasn’t an issue but it seems to always become one

The situation now is that I earn around £250k, he earns about £30k. We’ve recently bought a house (around £2m) in my sole name. Pensions and savings are mine too. With my ex, everything was pooled. Now everything is deliberately separate — I feel safer that way. I pay everything though. Literally everything. Mortgage, bills, holiday, private school fees (oldest kid - youngest not started yet but will soon), food, everything for kids. I don’t ask him for a penny and I wouldn’t. I’m not a dick. He’s generous to the extent he can be and I’m grateful for the thought when he spends his money eg picking up top
up food in the week from Sainsbury’s or my Amazon mum mug on Mother’s Day buying me some chocolate when I’ve had a hard day. I genuinely appreciate it.

But here’s my worry: if I were to die, the house and assets would face a big inheritance tax bill. We’re not cash rich as my salary after tax flies out of my account on all the bills we have. So I worry the children could be forced to sell the house if I were to die to pay the IHT. Marriage would avoid some of these issues.

So I’m torn. Part of me wants to keep things as they are — I’ve worked hard for my financial security and don’t want to risk another messy split. But another part of me wonders if I’m being short-sighted not marrying, especially for the children’s sake.

What would you do?

Oh and please don’t post if you’re going to kick me down for my salary and house price. I’m not boasting. It is what it is and relevant to the advice I’m seeking. I’m also not going to feel shit about working hard to get to where I am today. I came from a working class family where I was the first to go to university. I’ve had no silver spoons or helping hands. And no fucking “luck” either. It’s pure hard graft and I’ve already had one man fuck off back to his home country with a chunk of my hard work and I’m so distrustful of my judgment and worried it will happen again.

Sorry for the length and thanks for reading if you go this far.

YANBU - don’t marry. Keep your independence.
YABU - it won’t happen again. Marry and protect your kids.

I agree you shouldn't marry him but I think that if he is a good man and partner and you love him then you should make some provision for him as well as your children in your will.

I think that is the main thing, get a will sorted and perhaps life insurance. Easy to change a will or the beneficary of life insurance if you split.

That said you don't need to share all the full details with him, you don't want him to stay for a future payout. It doesn't sound like he's much of an admin or finance guy so a by the way everything is sorted, details with solicitor x if you ever need, would probably be fine.

You aren't very likely to die anytime soon at your age and if your relationship stands the test of time you could always marry him later in life.

I hope I'm not coming across as lecturing you, but seriously - set aside a sum for a consultation for legal, estate planning, pension advice, life assurance, and so on immediately. You alone know everything about your circumstances and your current and future wishes and goals. D.I.N. Do It Now.

Then if you wish to share (to encourage and help others here) you could come back and tell us what you were advised to do.

I know it's great to read the views and advice (often from qualified people, but more often not!) as to what to do, but you just cannot beat independent professional advice.

As others have said, you need specialist tax/financial advice and a will. If you decide to marry get a pre-nuptial agreement from a decent solicitor. The issues you have are all things that have decent solutions but it will require you spending some time and money to get the advice.

You really need advice from a good financial advisor who specialises in tax and who deals with HNW individuals.

I am a married man, in his 40s with life experience and my advice is that you financially protect yourself and kids future. Similarly, I would apply same advice were tables turned and it was a man. Dating, relationships and marriage is clouds of emotions but money matters are unfortunately rationale and somewhat cold 🥶e.g. prenups, contracts etc. Some MNs questions, maybe hinting at the unfairness of situation without saying it e.g him earning 30K vs your 250K income, the split up of chores vs him not paying for anything etc. I have seen this type of relationship dynamic in my own extended family. Personally, this situation where I am not fulfilling my role as a provider or at least contributing would emotionally leave me emasculated. Don't know how you partner feels? Is this sustainable in longterm? Its a bit different if you were at a different station in life 7 years ago but have become successful now. If it happened over time, people can sort of grow and adjust into it especially if they are supportive of each other etc. Like it or not money or income is one of the dimensions that adds real challenges to relationships.

I don’t think you should marry this guy. And U.K. courts don’t recognise prenups legally, they just regard them as a statement of intent.

You need to talk to specialists - financial advisor, lawyer, specialist tax advisor. There’s all kinds of things that can be done to offset IHT.

You can set up a trust for your kids to ringfence to some degree, but it doesn’t get rid of IHT. As others have mentioned you can also take out life insurance.

The other thing is to ensure your kids are the beneficiaries of your pension.

I wouldnt marry if you both dont want to. It sounds like you have a good relationship as is.

Take some financial advice cos the rules around trusts have changed, but I'd be looking to put the house in a trust for the kids.

I would also make provision for him and the kids in your will.

If you pay everything where is his money going? He must have thousands in savings. Between his savings plus selling the house if you die they could all 3 live in a cheaper place.

I would marry, get a good pre up, write a solid will and ensure all your ducks are in a row. The truth is, tradionally marriage was never about love, it was about assets. The fact you love him and he is good to you financially as far as he can be is what you want, unlike your first husband he has 'skin' in the game because of your children and his job is to protect them too. This marriage would probably turn out to be your actual one about love ❤️ - I hope this makes sense I'm in my 40s as well and would face a similar dilemma x

As others have said, write a will. Also advise your employer/pension provider that you wish the pension to pass onto your partner if you were to die. With the salary you are on does your employer not offer death in service? Obviously leave that to your partner. We had our wills written recently, cost about £200 for both. Oh and buy a breast pump so you can leave him a bottle to get up and feed baby with at night.

£££’s in savings on £30k? Not if they have a ‘lifestyle’.

I'm in a similar situation albeit with smaller numbers and DP has earning potential.

The question i think you need to ask is if you did split, what would be fair to give him. Half probably not. But would you want to share something, even if only he could buy a property where the kids could stay with him sometimes. That could be the basis for a pre-nap conversation.

Or else don't marry and make sure her and the kids have enough life insurance to cover the IHT bill and remaining mortgage (might be pricey).

But she is paying everything; holidays, bills, mortgage, school fees .. when you don't to spend money on those things you can save most of your salary and they have been together for 7 years.

Speak with a family law solicitor and get some advice. You could possibly look at setting up trusts and pensions for your children. But I'm sure they'll be able to help you with protecting your children's interests should the worst happen.

Even if you ultimately decide to marry, in the short term you at least need to make a will. If you die suddenly while intestate then your partner (who it sounds like is also a dependent) has a real legal and financial mess to deal with. I can't believe you didn't do this after having children even if you didn't want to marry.

Is your relationship actually happy? I can't see why you have been putting this off. I can't imagine leaving someone I love this vulnerable in the event of my death.

Civil PArnership?

Haven't read the full thread - but at 45 I wouldn't worry too much about inheritance tax (as the likelihood of you dying suddenly is low). In 20 years I would seriously think about marriage for tax reasons (assuming the rules are still similar). You definitely need a will, income protection and an independent financial advisor. Pensions & ISAs for the kids are a good way to spend your money.

Seek professional advice - financial and legal.
You really need a will. You would want to leave something to your partner if you died tomorrow?

Marry no - I wouldn’t want to leave that to someone else who could then marry and no give it to my children.

BUT you do need to sort it out so that your assets are left to your children and he has a right to stay. Marriage automatically confers a lot of rights but there are ways to ensure many of these independently

you need financial and legal advice set up to make sure what you want to have happen happens.

including life insurance that covers the inheritance tax and ensures your partner has a means to live as well (so he is the beneficiary) and the house would be in trust for your children. Indeed given the asset that type of insurance is necessary now I think for a long time

start getting it all worked out

If you aren’t cash rich, then it’s impossible that he could continue to live there following your death, unless you’re mortgage free or the mortgage would be paid off were you to die. Do you know the details of your life insurance and what happens if you die? The bills must be really high for a big property, so would he cope? As mentioned, make a will, leave it all in trust for your dc, although they naturally inherit as nok. You do need to make provision for your dp as the father, particularly as he’s a low earner. You really need to have a proper conversation with your dp about this then speak to an estate planner/solicitor. Given you’re the big earner, marriage would not seem the way forward, you own everything, so it’s already protected if he were to marry/have more dc in the event of your death.

I actually think he deserves some security for the future

Wouldn't life insurance cover the mortgage and give your DP a lump sum?

Don’t marry him. Also- it doesn’t really sound like he’s contributing much? Why is it up to you to make him feel like some financial equal when he’s not? He either needs to put more into your joint life of bills etc or be doing something sensible with it- maybe a long term investment for the kids? It’s all very well being “not money oriented” when someone else is picking up the tab. You’re giving him a life that he couldn’t otherwise dream of. You need to protect your assets and your finincial security. It’s all very well when people are getting along but if it goes south you shouldn’t be the one to pay for his mediocrity.

write a will definitely. What about life insurance? Do you have that through work?

I would genuinely struggle in a relationship where there was such a financial disparity.

It sounds as if he hasn't given anything up though to support Op which is often the case with a SAHM.

In theory he could be sitting on a nice nest egg if Op pays for everything!

I would speak to a financial advisor. Could you get a prenup incase you were to divorce again too?