AIBU not to marry DP after being burned

[FailingtoJuggle]

NC for this but happy for MN to verify I’m a pre-existing poster.

I’m 43. I married at 30, divorced at 35. No children from that marriage. I married because it felt like the “right” thing at the time — we’d been together a long time, everyone around us was settling down, and he was a nice man. We had a dream wedding. And a nice life. But I didn’t love him in the way I should have, and the thought of having children with him made me miserable. Literally I felt sick at the thought. We were more like siblings. I do regret marrying him and wish I was strong enough to have walked away before. But I was lonely.

The divorce was awful. I honestly couldn’t have imagined a nice guy like him turning so nasty. I naively thought we’d be friend forever, even after divorcing! I feel like such a dick now thinking I could be so stupid. I was the higher earner, we had no prenup, and everything was joint, including the house in London which I largely financed. He walked away with a massive amount of money (in return for leaving my pension alone) and I had to rebuild. I swore I’d never put myself in that position again.

I do believe everything happens for a reason though. Not long afterwards I met my current partner. I do genuinely love him, we’ve been together 7 years, and we now have two young DC. U honestly feel blessed and I feel for him what I never felt for my ex. Sheer love and desire and respect. Don’t get me wrong - he can be a plonker like all blokes and life is hard with two small kids in our 40s but I’m genuinely happy.

He’s not bothered about marriage, and after my last experience I’ve been reluctant too.

But somehow I’ve ended up the high earner again! I bloody wish money wasn’t an issue but it seems to always become one

The situation now is that I earn around £250k, he earns about £30k. We’ve recently bought a house (around £2m) in my sole name. Pensions and savings are mine too. With my ex, everything was pooled. Now everything is deliberately separate — I feel safer that way. I pay everything though. Literally everything. Mortgage, bills, holiday, private school fees (oldest kid - youngest not started yet but will soon), food, everything for kids. I don’t ask him for a penny and I wouldn’t. I’m not a dick. He’s generous to the extent he can be and I’m grateful for the thought when he spends his money eg picking up top
up food in the week from Sainsbury’s or my Amazon mum mug on Mother’s Day buying me some chocolate when I’ve had a hard day. I genuinely appreciate it.

But here’s my worry: if I were to die, the house and assets would face a big inheritance tax bill. We’re not cash rich as my salary after tax flies out of my account on all the bills we have. So I worry the children could be forced to sell the house if I were to die to pay the IHT. Marriage would avoid some of these issues.

So I’m torn. Part of me wants to keep things as they are — I’ve worked hard for my financial security and don’t want to risk another messy split. But another part of me wonders if I’m being short-sighted not marrying, especially for the children’s sake.

What would you do?

Oh and please don’t post if you’re going to kick me down for my salary and house price. I’m not boasting. It is what it is and relevant to the advice I’m seeking. I’m also not going to feel shit about working hard to get to where I am today. I came from a working class family where I was the first to go to university. I’ve had no silver spoons or helping hands. And no fucking “luck” either. It’s pure hard graft and I’ve already had one man fuck off back to his home country with a chunk of my hard work and I’m so distrustful of my judgment and worried it will happen again.

Sorry for the length and thanks for reading if you go this far.

YANBU - don’t marry. Keep your independence.
YABU - it won’t happen again. Marry and protect your kids.

Remember that when you die your accounts are immediately frozen. Your DP would suddenly have no money to pay the bills xx except his salary which hes used to treating as pocket money. This could continue for months while your estate is sorted.

I'd never get married again

No, I’d not get married, but if you want him to feel more financial secure there are things you could do.

You could take out an insurance policy, with your dp as the beneficiary, that will cover inheritance tax should you die.

Write a really good will via a solicitor. Your dp has a lifetime interest in the house but you leave the house to your dc.

Ypu could also put the house in both your names, but write in that he gets a smaller % should you split up and sell the house.

Speak to a solicitor, you could both go together so it ensures you’re both covered should one of you die

But kindly, you can’t just reverse the genders and assume the dynamics stay the same. They don’t.

The workplace is far tougher for women than men. Often a woman will have had to work harder to achieve the same position and status as a male counterpart……

Im not saying the OPs partner doesn’t deserve protections too…,,,

This is good advice

You need to speak to an inheritance tax/estate-planning advisor AND a lawyer specialising in wills. Both will offer different perspectives. There are different options: business relief schemes, gifting now to kids/partner, trusts etc. there are pros and cons to all options. I’m by no means an expert but have had to wade through these options to help a family member.

Surely if you are married, then everything should be 50/50 - just like we would say to every woman on here, regardless of how much they contribute.

Many relationships are 50/50 in terms of parenting and housework etc but you are using that as an excuse as to why you can’t be sharing your money.

I would definitely look into protecting your pension but everything else wouldn’t bother me.

If you were to separate, surely you wouldn’t begrudge him half of the house etc, especially when you share kids and so I can’t see how you would get burnt if you were to separate.

You need to consult a lawyer who specialises in wills, and he will probably advise setting up a trust.
If you die together then no problem but if you die and he doesn't it will leave him homeless, unless you file a deed of wish that he remain in the home for his lifetime.

You need a will ASAP!

What a stupid post. £250k would not leave you with much at the end of the month in London if you’re living a fairly normal middle class life (a holiday or two a year, activities for the kids, etc.) and fully funding the lives of 4 people, including private school fees.

A lot of wealthy husbands protect their assets, nor would they marry someone who earns 30,000.
Generally they marry an equal partner, until the DC come along, partner becomes SAHM, even then, they're financially controlling, if they divorce the SAHP is usually fecked.

But its not the same situation. Women who don’t work need protection for the period when they are birthing, nursing and raising children.

Men don’t need to take months or years off work, don’t find themselves struggling to retain income parity when they go back to work.

Marriage is supposed to be an insurance policy for women who are unable to earn money. Its not a meal ticket for able bodied adult males who don’t want to push themselves.

This.
Protect yourself but also protect your dc and dp in the event of your death. There will be legal ways of doing this without getting married, that do not result in you handing over half your wealth if you were to divorce.

Actually 70-90% of divorces are initiated by the woman. The OP even claims in her post that she left her first husband. I kinda feel sorry for her current husband, he’s done nothing wrong and is being treated like he is the enemy. It doesn’t sound like they are a team at all, she sounds resentful that she contributes more financially.

Don't get married, but do provide for your DP, write a life interest into your will in such a way as to protect him. This could be the right to continue to occupy or the sale and division of the house with your DC getting an immediate gift and him having a smaller property in a trust eventually passing to your DC.

Of course if the relationship doesn't go the distance your DC get it all. I'd advise talking to a solicitor about the legal side and an accountant specialising in IHT, but of course you are only 43, you can expect to live to 80+ so cannot be sure if DP will still be around or indeed how much of your estate and IHT will have changed a lot by then.

My nan died young and left everything to my grandfather who had a girlfriend then for another 20yrs she invested a very small amount into his property and my grandad changed his will so her children would receive an equal amount of the estate even though they rarely saw them and all were in their 40s when met them. My nan would have been devastated. Speak to a financial advisor and possibly set up a trust for your kids to prevent this happening to them.

Haven't RTFT but a whole life insurance policy written in trust for the children would be a cheap way of covering the IHT liability. A will giving him a protected tenancy until the children have finished education or reached a certain age and then a % of the house sale proceeds would help him. Just ideas – take professional advice on the best steps. And don't fanny around, do it this year!

I would advise speaking to a solicitor specialising in estates and trusts and also to an accountant specialising in IHT.

You are only 43, and can expect to live to around 80+ years, by the time you die DP may have long gone or pre-deceased you and a good chunk of your estate could go to care costs.

IHT rules will have changed by then too - there is some suggestion that the government will apply either a lifetime gifting allowance or remove the 7 year rule on gifts in October, not that that would be of immediate impact to you as a 43 year old, but it underlines that planning for IHT now, assuming you are in good health is not that helpful!

Talk to a financial planner. There's probably something you can put in place e.g. a life insurance policy of sufficient value to cover the remaining mortgage and tax liability, to ensure they would be able to remain in the house.

Absolutely, there are lots of options available that protect all parties, leaving no one out in the cold - but crack on with it ASAP and let DP know the arrangements and that he will be provided for and what to expect.

He is a very lucky man and he knows it. why would you marry.

If you earn 250k surely you have access to a financial advisor and are also savvy enough not to ask MN for financial advice.

Don’t get married, I’m you income wise, except we have bought a house together so we have legal protection for his capital. But it’s in my name.

we also aren’t marrying for tax reasons he can buy a house in his name and we aren’t then having issues with additional tax.

No need to get married. If you are going to treat him like a partner though you should be encouraging him to buy his own place which he can rent out etc.

I wouldn’t get married. I would ensure I had enough life insurance to pay the IHT as well as income protection insurance.

I can’t get behind a man earning £30,000 a year not paying a penny towards either his own life expenses or his children.

He’s got the life of Riley, hasn’t he?!

I would get a whole of life insurance policy held in trust (very important) which would be payable immediately on death & would fall outside of your estate to cover the IHT bill, pay off the mortgage plus a bit extra for your DP to live on whilst probate was sorted. Speak to a financial advisor about this.