AIBU not to marry DP after being burned

[FailingtoJuggle]

NC for this but happy for MN to verify I’m a pre-existing poster.

I’m 43. I married at 30, divorced at 35. No children from that marriage. I married because it felt like the “right” thing at the time — we’d been together a long time, everyone around us was settling down, and he was a nice man. We had a dream wedding. And a nice life. But I didn’t love him in the way I should have, and the thought of having children with him made me miserable. Literally I felt sick at the thought. We were more like siblings. I do regret marrying him and wish I was strong enough to have walked away before. But I was lonely.

The divorce was awful. I honestly couldn’t have imagined a nice guy like him turning so nasty. I naively thought we’d be friend forever, even after divorcing! I feel like such a dick now thinking I could be so stupid. I was the higher earner, we had no prenup, and everything was joint, including the house in London which I largely financed. He walked away with a massive amount of money (in return for leaving my pension alone) and I had to rebuild. I swore I’d never put myself in that position again.

I do believe everything happens for a reason though. Not long afterwards I met my current partner. I do genuinely love him, we’ve been together 7 years, and we now have two young DC. U honestly feel blessed and I feel for him what I never felt for my ex. Sheer love and desire and respect. Don’t get me wrong - he can be a plonker like all blokes and life is hard with two small kids in our 40s but I’m genuinely happy.

He’s not bothered about marriage, and after my last experience I’ve been reluctant too.

But somehow I’ve ended up the high earner again! I bloody wish money wasn’t an issue but it seems to always become one

The situation now is that I earn around £250k, he earns about £30k. We’ve recently bought a house (around £2m) in my sole name. Pensions and savings are mine too. With my ex, everything was pooled. Now everything is deliberately separate — I feel safer that way. I pay everything though. Literally everything. Mortgage, bills, holiday, private school fees (oldest kid - youngest not started yet but will soon), food, everything for kids. I don’t ask him for a penny and I wouldn’t. I’m not a dick. He’s generous to the extent he can be and I’m grateful for the thought when he spends his money eg picking up top
up food in the week from Sainsbury’s or my Amazon mum mug on Mother’s Day buying me some chocolate when I’ve had a hard day. I genuinely appreciate it.

But here’s my worry: if I were to die, the house and assets would face a big inheritance tax bill. We’re not cash rich as my salary after tax flies out of my account on all the bills we have. So I worry the children could be forced to sell the house if I were to die to pay the IHT. Marriage would avoid some of these issues.

So I’m torn. Part of me wants to keep things as they are — I’ve worked hard for my financial security and don’t want to risk another messy split. But another part of me wonders if I’m being short-sighted not marrying, especially for the children’s sake.

What would you do?

Oh and please don’t post if you’re going to kick me down for my salary and house price. I’m not boasting. It is what it is and relevant to the advice I’m seeking. I’m also not going to feel shit about working hard to get to where I am today. I came from a working class family where I was the first to go to university. I’ve had no silver spoons or helping hands. And no fucking “luck” either. It’s pure hard graft and I’ve already had one man fuck off back to his home country with a chunk of my hard work and I’m so distrustful of my judgment and worried it will happen again.

Sorry for the length and thanks for reading if you go this far.

YANBU - don’t marry. Keep your independence.
YABU - it won’t happen again. Marry and protect your kids.

This. Why does he not contribute anything apart from an Amazon mug?! He saw you coming. He must come home with a couple of grand a month? He should be paying for things.

you don’t seem to care very much what might happen to him if you were no longer around so I think that’s a sign not to marry him

I think speak to a lawyer and financial advisor. As you love this man, I assume you would want him to also be looked after, you could put the house in lifetime trust for your partner to live in, with the house being sold after he dies or if he re-marries. Possibly also look at a pre-nup if you decide to marry. You could also look at a life policy that pays out the amount that would be due for inheritance tax - financial advisor could help here.

So because he didn't carry a human or breastfeed, he deserves to have absolutely no security?

You need a financial advisor. I’d think with your salary you would have one already - find one you really like. I met 3 before I decided on one. Good luck x

I think you have to do whatever best protects your children. I'd be getting proper financial advice.

Get legal advice

If you want to protect your children’s inheritance, married or otherwise your biggest risk is that you die young, your DP inherits, (re)marries and your estate ends up in his second wife’s pocket.

I’d look at a bloodline trust where your money must go to your children.

I would also consider not marrying, but arranging a soft landing for your DP where he is left what you believe is fair for him to house himself well on his £30k salary with the rest going to your children. In Europe it’s common for an inheritance to go half to the partner and half divided between the kids for example. The half you leave to him could be in that bloodline trust so the kids get what remains eventually.

This is what I was thinking. Your children are obviously still small. If you die tomorrow how does that work? Where does the husband, that you love so much live? How would he financially care for the children? Whether you get married or not these are things that need addressing now.

This is what I was thinking. Your children are obviously still small. If you die tomorrow how does that work? Where does the husband, that you love so much live? How would he financially care for the children? Whether you get married or not these are things that need addressing now.

What are you asking us for, OP? You sound quite irresponsible in relation to your children’s welfare . Anyone can die suddenly and you haven’t made a will and have created a situation where your children’s dad has no experience managing money. If you died he’d have to deal with an intestate estate and then learn to budget as well as paying the inheritance tax. For goodness sake , the two of you need to make wills and get proper advice from professionals.

Did you take out life insurance with your mortgage OP, so that it pays off the balance should you die? If you didn't, then the house will undoubtedly go as your DP won't be able to afford to take it on with a £30k salary. Even if it got paid off, would he be able to afford the upkeep and maintenance of such an expensive house?

If there's no life insurance then IHT may be a moot point, as you only pay it on things you own outright. If you do have insurance in place, then do what's best to protect your DC. A pre-nup may not be legally sound in the UK. I think I'd get a will written up, leaving your home in trust for the DC. You could give your DP a lifetime interest to allow him to live in it until he dies. Alternatively, a set period interest so that it reverts to the children when they reach adulthood. A lifetime interest doesn't prevent the sale of the property, if it's economically necessary (if he can't afford the upkeep), but he does have to protect the equity (if he were to buy something less expensive) for the trustees.

A sound investment would be a meeting with an estate planning lawyer who specialises in IHT to get some accurate and sensible advice.

We don't know exactly what their home life is like. OP did say it was 50/50 or 60/40 and given that she carried the children, breastfed etc etc then that seems quite reasonable that she may have done slightly more. Her wages obviously havent taken a hit by having children, we also dont know why he is on a low wage, did he adjust his career.

Don’t get married but do think hard about living within your means and protecting yourself. You have a very healthy income but few savings? That can’t be good. Wills, life insurance etc. should be a priority.

It’s all very nice not to be money orientated but a £30k salary when you have 2 kids and live in London is a pittance. Your partner needs to step up! If you do split you could end up paying him CM.

Absolutely don’t get married, leave everything for your kids.
And don’t worry about the tax they might have to pay, enjoy now.

If I was to get married again after the trauma of divorce I would want a prenup, the house split as tenants in common with a trust deed in place, wills drawn up and basically anything else that my solicitor advised me to do.

The older you get the harder it is to leave with nothing however you do need to protect you partner and your kids in the event of your death,

When approaching him with it I would try to explain the benefits to him so he understands this is about him and his rights too.

I don't believe prenups are legally sound in the UK no but they can be used as a guide and as evidence especially i the marriage is less than 10yrs due to it being classed as a short marriage.

If your main concern is providing cash to pay the inheritance tax bill on your death, you can set up life insurance (ideally whole of life insurance,so it is guaranteed to pay out eventually) for roughly the sum assured needed to pay the tax bill. Put the insurance policy in trust wirh your children as beneficiaries, and people you trust as trustees (e.g. your siblings).

Putting the life insurance in your partner's name as some have suggested, is a risk because he would receive the cash but has no obligation to pay the tax bill. It is your estate that must pay it, but if you have no will (which you should!) he will not benefit from your estate at all so why would he pay its liabilities?

However...there is legislation protecting the dependants of deceased people. It's clear that he is financially dependent on you, so could claim under the provision of dependants and would likely be awarded something. In my opinion, he'd get a decent sum to cover his own housing needs and income shortfall, particularly as he has children to support.

So you need him on board really, OP. It's not morally fair to leave him high and dry if you died, he needs to live and would need to support your children. A marriage with a prenup sounds sensible, and avoids the inheritance tax problem on your death (but not the eventual issue of where would the assets end up after second death) but you'd need legal advice.

Step one though, write a will with the help of a qualified solicitor

This.

I think it would be awful if you've had a generally happy relationship to leave him effectively homeless in the event of your death. I know you've made the money but it still doesn't make it right. He doesn't have to live like a king but should have enough for a flat at least. It's a matter of caring and respect.

Your children will be wealthier than most people ever are in any case.

The man we love, trust, and sleep with, is never the same man you go through a divorce with.
They are unrecognisable.
Protect your assets, he has money to invest in himself.

Don’t get married.

I’m in a similar position to you (though the difference between our salaries isn’t as extreme). There’s no way on earth I would get married again.

Marriage is only really worthwhile if you’re a SAHM with kids and no income.

Speak to a good lawyer about the benefits and drawbacks of putting the house into trust. You also need a will, which an estate planner can support with.
But also, although you’re still burnt now (100% see why), how do you wish for your partner to be supported in the event of your passing? Presume you’d want him to be able to provide the children with the lifestyle to which they’re now accustomed? Do you have adequate life insurance & income protection?

You've worked hard for your financial security but your life partner, who you love dearly, has none.

I would seek independent financial advice first including a will

However I would think about what sort of life the man I love/father of my children was going to have if I died first if he had no property in his name and presumably a very small pension. The solution could be to leave him some money/pension in the will and rest to kids but that doesn’t solve the IHT problem.

Depending on what FA advises, I don’t think discussing marriage and a prenup would be a problem when it would be doing it to try and provide for everyone including him but protecting the kids in case you divorced which is understandable due to being stung before.

So you pay for everything do the life admin and do majority childcare.

What does he do?