AIBU not to marry DP after being burned

[FailingtoJuggle]

NC for this but happy for MN to verify I’m a pre-existing poster.

I’m 43. I married at 30, divorced at 35. No children from that marriage. I married because it felt like the “right” thing at the time — we’d been together a long time, everyone around us was settling down, and he was a nice man. We had a dream wedding. And a nice life. But I didn’t love him in the way I should have, and the thought of having children with him made me miserable. Literally I felt sick at the thought. We were more like siblings. I do regret marrying him and wish I was strong enough to have walked away before. But I was lonely.

The divorce was awful. I honestly couldn’t have imagined a nice guy like him turning so nasty. I naively thought we’d be friend forever, even after divorcing! I feel like such a dick now thinking I could be so stupid. I was the higher earner, we had no prenup, and everything was joint, including the house in London which I largely financed. He walked away with a massive amount of money (in return for leaving my pension alone) and I had to rebuild. I swore I’d never put myself in that position again.

I do believe everything happens for a reason though. Not long afterwards I met my current partner. I do genuinely love him, we’ve been together 7 years, and we now have two young DC. U honestly feel blessed and I feel for him what I never felt for my ex. Sheer love and desire and respect. Don’t get me wrong - he can be a plonker like all blokes and life is hard with two small kids in our 40s but I’m genuinely happy.

He’s not bothered about marriage, and after my last experience I’ve been reluctant too.

But somehow I’ve ended up the high earner again! I bloody wish money wasn’t an issue but it seems to always become one

The situation now is that I earn around £250k, he earns about £30k. We’ve recently bought a house (around £2m) in my sole name. Pensions and savings are mine too. With my ex, everything was pooled. Now everything is deliberately separate — I feel safer that way. I pay everything though. Literally everything. Mortgage, bills, holiday, private school fees (oldest kid - youngest not started yet but will soon), food, everything for kids. I don’t ask him for a penny and I wouldn’t. I’m not a dick. He’s generous to the extent he can be and I’m grateful for the thought when he spends his money eg picking up top
up food in the week from Sainsbury’s or my Amazon mum mug on Mother’s Day buying me some chocolate when I’ve had a hard day. I genuinely appreciate it.

But here’s my worry: if I were to die, the house and assets would face a big inheritance tax bill. We’re not cash rich as my salary after tax flies out of my account on all the bills we have. So I worry the children could be forced to sell the house if I were to die to pay the IHT. Marriage would avoid some of these issues.

So I’m torn. Part of me wants to keep things as they are — I’ve worked hard for my financial security and don’t want to risk another messy split. But another part of me wonders if I’m being short-sighted not marrying, especially for the children’s sake.

What would you do?

Oh and please don’t post if you’re going to kick me down for my salary and house price. I’m not boasting. It is what it is and relevant to the advice I’m seeking. I’m also not going to feel shit about working hard to get to where I am today. I came from a working class family where I was the first to go to university. I’ve had no silver spoons or helping hands. And no fucking “luck” either. It’s pure hard graft and I’ve already had one man fuck off back to his home country with a chunk of my hard work and I’m so distrustful of my judgment and worried it will happen again.

Sorry for the length and thanks for reading if you go this far.

YANBU - don’t marry. Keep your independence.
YABU - it won’t happen again. Marry and protect your kids.

But here the genders are not reversed. He didn't carry a human, breastfed it and now doing the majority of care and carrying the mental load.

Same. You need IFA and that’s fine, but it’s weird how sorry for yourself you seem to feel when you’ve behaved like a bit of a dickhead both in your former marriage and towards your current partner. You admit that you didn’t love your ex but married him anyway and walked into a financial mess… now you admit that you do love your current partner but aren’t really being very fair to him. Neither paint you in the best light.

If I were your (future, adult) child I wouldn’t be very happy with how my parent had behaved towards my other parent (who they claim to love); it is not a great colour on you and makes it very clear that you obviously don’t really think of yourself and your partner as being a genuine partnership. He’s the father of your children and you say that you truly love him in ways that you previously have no other man… if that’s true then sure, don’t be an idiot but also don’t punish your partner for the poor emotional and financial decisions that you made previously.

I’m sorry to say too that this also reads a bit like that you’re currently taking advantage of your now-partner’s financial naiveté (and feel justified in doing so because you feel that your ex-husband was wrong to benefit from your marriage when you divorced). A man doing this to the mother of his child would be called an arsehole (and rightly too, in my opinion).

I do feel quite sorry for your partner; I’m not sure how fair you are being to him as an individual and your children/family as a unit.

I agree . Op pays for everything while he has £30k a year for what ?
Does op have 30k a year to play with ?

Given your history I think it’s completely understandable. I don’t think you should get married. You sound happy as you are. Just put the house in dc names now possibly, and consider life insurance and a will.

If you are in love, you are not likely to split up. Being married doesn’t change anything.

Learn the lessons from the past. If your dp loves you, he will understand.

I don’t agree with this at all. Her dh has the opportunity to live in a house he could never afford, a life style he couldn’t hope to replicate. It doesn’t sound like a hardship at all to me. He could save up, and buy a small flat to rent out for his own security, maybe he already has? Op could leave him something in her will if she wants to.

Adding to the people saying you need a will, life insurance (possibly other insurance too), and a clear plan for your partner to follow detailing what should happen financially if you were to die young. Keep revising with the insurance levels and the plan as the kids get older and as your financial position changes.

Do you have a mortgage?

As the higher earner, I chose not to marry. I watched my dm make that mistake, and it has definitely turned out the best decision.

I've done everything I can to mitigate against inheritance tax but if the state gets a proportion when I die, I'm ok with that. My dc will be well provided for anyway.

Get some professional advice and make a will.

I wouldn’t marry him, no. But in the same token I wouldn’t want to see the father of my child without means to live near your dcs in the event of a split or if you died. In your shoes, I’d help facilitate buying a small flat for him to rent out. Perhaps 2 beds.

Just get an insurance policy to cover the potential IHT bill - this is what most people in your position are doing

they are specific policies to cover this

Marry but write a pre nup.

Write a Will and seek financial advice from your accountant before you visit the lawyer, and afterwards. Often the one firm offers both services.

As someone in a not too dissimilar position.. I am going to confidently say

-it is just is not the same as if the roles were reversed
-I would not marry.

I would first and foremost get an IFA who will set up a trust asap (i'd look at lifetime trusts but they will advise you may want a blend) and/or set up life insurance to pay off any IHT (if you are PAYE your company normally provides this... mine pays out 6 x gross salary. You can also take out secondary policies if desired).
PM me if you want a referral for an IFA

And then get a will. It doesnt have to be fancy. Something like farewill is a few hundred. I would make financial provision of a reasonable nature for him he is the father of your children.

You could also marry with a prenup (better to do it now than when you met but I still wouldn't LOVE this option)
People change on a dime and he is you are both entering midlife crisis terrority.
I'm conservative in my approach with this kind only thing so would NOT marry if these circs.

If, as you say, you truly love this man, then I'd do a couple of things.

First, find a family law specialist and have a chat about the whole situation and see what they recommend.

Then, when you have your head around it all, have a good heart to heart with your partner. All cards on the table. How he and the kids would be protected if anything should happen to you. What would happen once the kids are 18 or even 25 etc.

Give him time to process.

Then, also make sure you have a conversation about his 30k a year. Do this with a view to him also looking out for himself. For me, and this may not be what the lawyer recommends, I'd be making sure he is maxing out his pension contributions, has an extra private pension and save a deposit for an investment property.

For all you know, maybe he is saving already, but you should BOTH be at least aware of what is going on.

Should you grow old together, that extra saving, pension and an investment property will be something you can both share or pass on to your children. Should the worst happen, he will have an asset and a pension of his own.

It may not be the same in reverse, but we would all be horrified by a man leaving a woman without shelter or money. He needs to understand the situation now, to ensure that he is also well set up.

I’d take advice from a financial/tax adviser and family lawyer, get a pre-nup and get married (if you want to). I’m divorced myself and understand how bruising that financial hit can be. I don’t see myself getting married again but if I did want to, I’d want it to be as clear as possible how things would be split in the event of a divorce.

Please talk to a decent financial consultant. I remember reading something similar about creating a trust and you sell the house to the "trust" and you're a trustee (or something like that). It's a perfectly legal way of managing but it needs to be set up properly.

Also, yes, get your will written pronto.

I was divorced at 25. I vowed never to marry again. My XH was the loveliest partner before we got married and then it all went downhill. Divorce cost me thousands.

I don’t have money now but if I were ever to come into it, I would want to be leaving that to my dc, not potentially giving half to an XH.

Come on, there is often a middle ground between ‘deadbeat’ and ‘doing everything’. Many dads aren’t actually ‘deadbeat’ but it does often still fall to the woman to carry the mental load for the kids, and I think this can often be because maternity leave sets a precedent for this. Kids are often more attached to their mums because of this as well.

Agree with this. I’m not the higher earner but pregnancy and birth has massively impacted my health and wellbeing, plus my career of course in ways that men will not experience.

If I were in your shoes op I would not marry. But definitely make a will!

There was another thread on here a short while ago about what can happen if you’re not married and you leave your house to kids and not your partner, about whether your partner still has rights to live in the house if his name isn’t on it. So do get advice on that scenario too.

Well that, plus life insurance and critical illness are the first things you need to sort.

If you were to get married tomorrow and die the next day how would DH afford mortgage, private school fees amd all the other bills that you say swallow up your salary? Could he afford to keep the house anyway?

Gosh, the school holidays have been dragging on

You "found yourself" as a high earner at £250k, because that sort of thing just happens to people. But somehow you have nobody else to discuss this with other than randoms on mumsnet? No colleagues in your high paying job to discuss this sort of thing with, or no funds to get a financial advisor?

It is a gamble. If you stay together then financially it would be better to marry. However, if you split up, it would be better for you not to be married.

If you are worried, you don’t have to rush into a decision, unless your partner is pushing for marriage.

None of my higher earning female friends are married to their partners. They have kids and they are similar in age to you. Their partners haven’t pushed for marriage, so my friends just don’t mention it.

Another one saying you don’t need to marry, you just need a good life insurance policy. Critical illness cover too if you can get it. Is it not offered by your employer?

Have to ask, you might not answer - but dying to know what you do for a living!!

I guess in your position to not finance everything would mean not spending your money and making it more equal. I.e smaller home, no private schools etc. I’m thinking because you have been burnt once does not mean it will happen again. Does he provide more in other ways, childcare cooking etc? You have worked hard and it’s fair to spend your money however I think it’s worth considering if you died young that you need your children to remain in their home/schools etc. I think it’s sad in today’s world we have to consider protection rather than love. I have also been divorced and hoping to buy a home but I’m not sure I could marry or live with a man because it’s my children’s inheritance. Financial advice is what you need to consider before making a will.

You say he’s not at all money orientated. I bet he isn’t. He lives in a 2m property and his wages are pocket money. Why does he need to think about money. You say he is a proud man or is it that the subject is taboo for him. You not only work hard and pay for everything but you also do everything. He needs to step up big time and take on much more work. He should be doing the main bulk of all housework and life admin for the relationship to be more equal. Your relationship sounds really unequal on all levels and I personally would struggle with one partner being so subordinate not just financially but in the tasks they perform as well. I would not marry him he is a grown adult and needs to plan for his own financial future and finances.