People who give up on life

[Dappy777]

I have had a few experiences recently with people who've given up on life. They are all male, over 40, single and childless. My cousin, for example, is 48 and lives with his mother. He's sort of her carer (she isn't physically dependent, just depressed and clingy). I know he feels trapped, but he's sort of given up. He doesn't bother dating, has lost touch with old friends and does a minimum wage job to get by.

There seem to be a lot of middle-aged men like this. I encounter a lot of them in my line of work. They have never come to the attention of the authorities because they've never claimed benefits. Instead, their parents provide them with food and a home. In return the parents (or parent) gets company and support. They're often ashamed of their life, and so they don't socialise, date or work. Things tick along OK until the parents die. Then the problems begin. The person will often be in their 50s or 60s, with poor social skills, poor mental health (undiagnosed autism or depression, for example), no job or CV, and no savings. Often, the house has to be sold (either to pay for nursing costs or because siblings demand their share of inheritance). The individual then finds himself alone for the first time and unable to cope. It's not a pretty sight. People like this really need to consider what will happen after the death of the parents.

Just curious if others have encountered such men and know what I'm talking about. Maybe (because of the work I do) I get a skewed view, but it seems quite common. Because of the shame involved, it tends to be hidden.

No, I can't say I have.

Poor things though. Can't be nice for them.

DH’s uncle was like this. Luckily for him, both of his sisters allowed him to live in the house after their parents had died, only getting ‘their share’ of the estate once he died in his early 70s from a number of health issues caused by poor diet/lack of self care/exercise (both sisters were older so mid-70s themselves when they inherited)

Yeah there’s a few round here. In fact one family has three of them but at least they’ve got each other.

There are four brothers, only the eldest left the family home and got married. The other three are now mid to late fifties and still live in the family home with their DF, their dm died years ago.

What happens to these men once their parents die op? My DC has autism and this is my greatest fear!

They have never come to the attention of the authorities

Which authorities are you referring to?

I think men in particular really struggle with self care beyond a certain age and if they don't have a spouse or significant other they become horribly unmoored. So many men become woefully over-dependent on their spouse for all their emotional, practical and social needs. It is mainly a male thing: women generally seem to put much more investment into sustaining their networks than men while men, once coupled, have a tendency to let a lot of their friendships fall by the wayside.

I've known a lot of men give up most of their friendships and social circles once in relationships and stop making any attempts at having a social life or any self care. It's as if they were always just waiting for a woman to take over that aspect of their lives.

I imagine if you're someone who doesn't have a spouse or significant other and if you're not that mentally robust it could all lead to you feeling very lonely and overwhelming. If your parents then die I can understand it leading to a big crisis.

Not much of an AIBU OP.

I can see DBro going like this. He's 40 and admits that he "keeps himself to himself".

An interesting subject nonetheless, to some of us.

Do you have a better AIBU that we could consider?

What do you expect the authorities to do? It's not a crime to live with your parents well into middle age, even if most of us wouldn't aspire to that.

I have a friend whose son is like this. He must be around fifty now and is obese and shy, but with no diagnosis. I think it has been described as “Failure to launch”.
I don’t know what he will do when she dies and his sibling demands her share of the family home.

Another friend who has a son with mild learning difficulties insisted on and then supported him to get a flat of his own, volunteer in a charity shop, and keeps an eye on him as he finds his way in the community. His outcomes will be a lot better, even though some people thought she was being terribly hard hearted.

Yes. I know a few via work.

The point is that it shouldn't be posted in this category. There are other, more suitable categories, such as Chat or Relationships. It's not a heinous crime, but it's a bit annoying if there's no AIBU.

If undiagnosed autism, you’d hope it was caught at school. Undiagnosed depression, health. Other vulnerabilities, SS. The system is too overwhelmed to go and look for more clients. But it’s failing some people.

And the answer to your question OP is yes. Lots of middle-aged, lonely, isolated, scraping by, unconnected men. Whether they are in a bedsit/HMO, living with family, even homeless in some cases.

This is why men with wives live longer and are happier. PP had it right that a pattern is that women are men’s counsellor, social secretary, partner, nanny, cleaner, friend and everything else. Men are women’s (sometimes not great) partner. A bloke at work just got dumped by his lovely partner. He is already turning bitter and blames women for everything. It’s deeply unattractive and he’s unlikely to find anyone else.

Loneliness has the same effect on health as 15 cigarettes a day. And it’s ‘worse’ for men.

YANBU DH knows a few men like this, I know a couple of women who are the same. We also have a neighbour like it.

Some have bought the house next to their mother, some have bought siblings out, to be honest I think it’s a bit of a cheek to expect inheritance when the child has been caring for the parent for decades (and parent would have had to otherwise sell their home to pay for nursing homes).
We had a work colleague who cared for their mum until her nineties and he’s in his seventies and not at all well mentally. He’s lost his reason for being. As a parent I will not let DD do it for me.

I think it's unreasonable to paint this as a "man" problem as there are countless women in a similar position.

It's partly a modern society / structural issue IMHO. Lack of community, lack of support services, family crises overtaking an individual that are stressful and leave a person with little time for their own needs as the have to deal with stuff on a day to day basis and end up in survival mode with functional depression.

If you're asking if it's unreasonable that end stage capitalism is leaving people with fewer options to achieve stability, security and good mental health, then I agree.

If however you are implying that people are somewhat defective and should do better regardless of the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, particularly if they're men, then you are unreasonable as it's extremely complex.

It’s recognisably a more male issue though, in many cultures.

I’ve even noticed in DD’s friends and the children of people I know. The girls can all cook and have hobbies and socialise in RL, and thrift and craft and do drama and music and on and on. The boys can’t cook, don’t have proper chores, game and play football (or another sport) if that. Meaning the girls have life skills and emotional connections and the boys don’t. Of course there are HUGE variations, but there is a theme.

My colleague at work moans about his son doing nothing and living in a tip of a room, but I know the man’s wife and he does nothing and lives in a tip-like way. His house is nice because his wife cleans). If he split up with her, he’d probably be dead in a decade.

It varies. Much depends on the parents. You sound concerned and supportive, so I'm sure your child will be fine. The key is to help them build independence and self-reliance while you are still around. Ageing parents can be very selfish. I have someone close to me in this situation. The parent (mother) buries her head in the sand. It suits her to have her middle-aged son living at home and keeping her company. She loves him, I'm sure, but she's being very irresponsible. He has no job, no friends, and no partner. He's also never lived on his own. Yes she is leaving him money (though even that isn't guaranteed, since his inheritance could all go on her care costs), but the shock of losing her will be immense. He will be a single, isolated man without a job or CV suddenly flung out into the real world. The house will have to be sold anyway since he has a sister and she'll want her half. So he'll have to move into a flat and survive on his own for the first time at 50 or 55 (or however old he is).

Don't smother or infantilise or cling to your child, that's the best advice I can give. I have seen it in my own family. The parents call it love, but really it's a form of abuse.

I'm sure this applies to women as well, but in my own experience it seems to be mostly men – don't know why.

I’ve seen it happen to women - but I come from an Irish Catholic background and there was always one daughter left as a “spinster” to take care of mammy and daddy and be a general dogsbody so I don’t think it’s solely a male thing.

YANBU. I encounter a lot of them in my work also. They usually end up on benefits with addictions. They end up back at home for whatever reason ( divorce etc) and then drift into being carers for their parents. When said parent dies they have depression etc and end up on long term sickness benefits until they reach pension age . They absolutely make up the bulk of my over 50's benefit work caseload. Realistically they have little chance of working and get just a little less in benefits ( UC and PIP) as they would doing a low paid minimum wage job. They invariably have the parents council tenancy passed on them or live in the family home and can manage on benefits.

So what's everybody's answer to this apparent problem?

I know someone like this. He was always very socially anxious, never married and stayed living at home with his mum.
He became her carer and when she died, fortunately his brother said he could stay living in the house (as he inherited half).

His brother has been a massive support.
Fortunately he's always had to work, but I think mainly from home in a computer based job, so is still pretty isolated.

Loneliness definitely isn't limited to men. But there is some data that supports the idea that men, after a certain age, become very reliant on their spouse for their emotional and social needs, whereas women (generally) understand that they need to have several sources of support and comfort in their lives.

I think there's also the fact that despite progress in recent decades, a lot of men are still socialised as boys to expect that their domestic needs will ultimately be managed by someone else (their wife) so they don't develop the skills they need to become socially autonomous.

Anecdotally, I've also seen in so many cases that women thrive after separating from marriages and LTRs while many men seem to go into a tailspin.

Bil moved back in with his parents after his divorce. He is going to become such a person. He didn’t put the effort into his marriage and he’s even worse now but he’s a grown man and can’t be made to do anything.