People who give up on life

[Dappy777]

I have had a few experiences recently with people who've given up on life. They are all male, over 40, single and childless. My cousin, for example, is 48 and lives with his mother. He's sort of her carer (she isn't physically dependent, just depressed and clingy). I know he feels trapped, but he's sort of given up. He doesn't bother dating, has lost touch with old friends and does a minimum wage job to get by.

There seem to be a lot of middle-aged men like this. I encounter a lot of them in my line of work. They have never come to the attention of the authorities because they've never claimed benefits. Instead, their parents provide them with food and a home. In return the parents (or parent) gets company and support. They're often ashamed of their life, and so they don't socialise, date or work. Things tick along OK until the parents die. Then the problems begin. The person will often be in their 50s or 60s, with poor social skills, poor mental health (undiagnosed autism or depression, for example), no job or CV, and no savings. Often, the house has to be sold (either to pay for nursing costs or because siblings demand their share of inheritance). The individual then finds himself alone for the first time and unable to cope. It's not a pretty sight. People like this really need to consider what will happen after the death of the parents.

Just curious if others have encountered such men and know what I'm talking about. Maybe (because of the work I do) I get a skewed view, but it seems quite common. Because of the shame involved, it tends to be hidden.

I agree with others, there's an awful snooty, sneery judgemental tone to this thread and implied virtue. For what it's worth I know plenty of married, house owning, professional parents with friends and hobbies who are incredibly fucked up unhappy people. Yet these are the yardsticks that seem to equate with "sound, healthy, good person". Not true.

I’m really sorry this is how you feel right now. I’m not going to argue with you, but you don’t sound at all like the people I am thinking of. Just someone who’s had a rough ride and needs some time and space to lick her wounds. You don’t sound at all like someone who’d abdicate responsibility for everything.

I am not "hugely social" or organised. I would like to be but I regularly go for months without speaking to anyone under the age of eighty. I think I'm not immediately identified as one of these because Im female and its expected of me because I don't have hobbies, friends, commitments. I take showers. I stay in my bedroom all day.

There’s an old quote that we should give our children ‘roots and wings’. I know men and women who have ‘failed to launch’ in this way and I think it’s a mix of factors that cause it. On the plus side, I have a cousin with special needs and when he got to his 40’s and his dad died, his mum arranged for him to have residential living and a part time job. He’s having a great time - he comes home every week for one sleepover and dinner and I know she misses him. However, I admire her for putting his needs first.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX are you totally self sufficient, and able to look after yourself?
I don’t see that as a problem as you say. This is more about people who may end up homeless, can’t book a plumber, don’t do essential repairs, hoard.

But he works so nothing like the people OP's talking about.

I also know people who live with their parents, but it's totally different to what this thread is about I think. I don't know anybody like the OP describes, presumable because those people don't work or socialise so I wouldn't meet them anywhere.

I think it is quite common for middle aged men to live at home with parents. Some never find a partner so do not leave home, and others have a relationship that fails and they move home.
The ones I have come across usually have a job but fairly lowly. Most stay by their choice, not that their mother wanted them to as others here suggest. Most are not carers for their mothers either, but she is cooking/cleaning for her son long past the age you would expect to be doing this.

I think the OP means these men are struggling and as they have no social footprint, they fall under the radar

Mentioning the women, you remind me of the film The Piano Teacher.

I think the problem is a lot of them are probably neuro diverse and don’t know to connect with these groups. It’s all very well the groups are there but if the very nature of the problem is their difficulty connecting in the first place, it’s not going to work.

it’s like telling a person with no limbs that there are loads of services available to them….at the too of the stairs.

Has it prevented you from having a relationship thus far or is there other reasons for you being single?

I don’t get that impression. I thought it was more discussing how people come to be in these situations, what might have led them there, and if they’re unhappy - how might they be helped? If the people in question are happy with their lives, then that’s great! That’s what we all want - a happy, fulfilling life, whatever shape that takes. For those that are unhappy in these situations or finding it difficult, then it’s worth thinking about what could help.

I think part of it is that there is a high level of neuro diversity in the people you describe. And women tend to mask better so are able to integrate more and find partners. They may still be struggling but they are out there. The men suffer more with society just thinking they are weird and they find it harder to fit in.

I stay in my bedroom all day.

Why?

You are nothing like the people the OP is describing

Yes, self-supporting, live independently.

I get that the thread isn't really about people like me, but I just take exception to the element of judgement, i.e. outsiders looking at someone else's life and living circumstances and asserting they have "failed". You can't possibly say that without engaging with the person themselves, and again, by whose standards are we measuring "failure"? What are the criterion, what's the yardstick? etc etc

Very sad. On the other hand, there are plenty of single women who are active and social and still don't find a husband and have friendships that don't last. There's no guarantee that anyone will be in a good place in their old age.

Leading a quiet life isn't the issue here. My relative has never learned to drive or manage household bills, I think he's never even had to ring a taxi. His ageing parents do it all for him, and I'm not sure how he will manage when they are no longer around.

I always have done. Somewhere comfortable to sit I think.

There isn't an answer. We have a neighbour who inherited his mothers social housing tenancy, he had a job until he was 55, in a factory, when that ended he tried and never again found another. He was on benefits, but did great DIY and used to go out, shop for himself, talk to us down the road

Have you ever had a job?

Have your parents ever spoken to you about their concerns over you staying in your bedroom all day?

I have an elderly relative who is severely disabled, to the point they are now in a care home and need 24/7 care. They lost their DH about 3 years ago, and at that point it became apparent that not only were they incapable of doing certain things because of the disability, but there were a great many things they ought to have been capable of doing but never did because the DH did absolutely everything for them.

This continued for a while after DH's passing, until people put their foot down and said "no, you are perfectly capable of doing this for yourself, get on with it". Lo and behold...

People like this turn out to be surprisingly capable once they are actually in the situation where they have to get on with it. There's "learned incompetence", and there are people whose handlessness comes about because they are being enabled by others. I think you'll find he's perfectly capable of using a telephone, but simply doesn't bother because it's being done for him.

"True introverts aren’t people who shun society and retreat into their bedrooms or their immediate family. Being an introvert just describes the way you gain energy in your life."

Yes, good point. The word has been turned into meaning something like misanthrope. I saw a lot of this during Covid, people claiming 'introverts' would be happy with lockdown, but that's not what an introvert it.

I have a job but it's not a good job. My parents wouldn't like me being in the living room.

Most of us are engaging with the people we’re talking about. They are our relatives, or people we’ve come into contact with at work. The reason we are talking about them is because there are problems. It’s not ‘point and stare at the lonely guy over there’. It’s ‘where will BiL live?’, ‘BiL hasn’t answered the phone for a week, can someone go and see if he’s ok?’.