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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

People who give up on life

233 replies

Dappy777 · 24/08/2025 15:52

I have had a few experiences recently with people who've given up on life. They are all male, over 40, single and childless. My cousin, for example, is 48 and lives with his mother. He's sort of her carer (she isn't physically dependent, just depressed and clingy). I know he feels trapped, but he's sort of given up. He doesn't bother dating, has lost touch with old friends and does a minimum wage job to get by.

There seem to be a lot of middle-aged men like this. I encounter a lot of them in my line of work. They have never come to the attention of the authorities because they've never claimed benefits. Instead, their parents provide them with food and a home. In return the parents (or parent) gets company and support. They're often ashamed of their life, and so they don't socialise, date or work. Things tick along OK until the parents die. Then the problems begin. The person will often be in their 50s or 60s, with poor social skills, poor mental health (undiagnosed autism or depression, for example), no job or CV, and no savings. Often, the house has to be sold (either to pay for nursing costs or because siblings demand their share of inheritance). The individual then finds himself alone for the first time and unable to cope. It's not a pretty sight. People like this really need to consider what will happen after the death of the parents.

Just curious if others have encountered such men and know what I'm talking about. Maybe (because of the work I do) I get a skewed view, but it seems quite common. Because of the shame involved, it tends to be hidden.

OP posts:
RikkeOfTheLongEye · 24/08/2025 17:39

Gingernaut · 24/08/2025 17:06

Social services, mainly

Have dealt with family members, mainly siblings who have had these creatures, male and female foisted upon them after their parents die or are taken into care homes

Too old to benefit from any ASD, SEN, MH diagnoses, generally unemployable, and totally helpless in the face of the modern world, they are often brought to the attention of council and social services when the homes have to be sold to pay for care and they can't/won't move, the homes have to be sold as part of the inheritance or they run totally off the rails when their parents are no longer there to administer medication and keep them in line

There is a sad parade of them accompanying their mothers in shops most days

Anyone out there who doesn't fancy 'dumping' a label onto their child, this is what lies in store if you're not careful

Getting them diagnosed, known to health and social services and interacting with the outside world does wonders for them and makes traumatic life changes that bit easier

Sorry... 'creatures'?!

Anna467 · 24/08/2025 17:41

I have a neighbour like this. I don't think he was that upset when his parents died and he got the house to himself to be fair. He only leaves the house for work or food shopping but he's managed just fine tbh.

CorneliaCupp · 24/08/2025 17:42

Thejackrussellsrule · 24/08/2025 17:38

Yes, not so much personally, but like you, through work. The ones I've come across have often got undiagnosed learning needs, parents have kept them close, then when parents die, they are completely lost.

Just heartbreaking

Sundaymunch · 24/08/2025 17:43

JHound · 24/08/2025 17:34

Is that giving up on life though? Just seems like they are just taking life as a day to
day thing. Not everybody wants a big well paid job and just wants money to cover their bills and basics.

Agree - It’s not giving up but in some cases being a victim to your upbringing and not knowing how to break out and live independently. There’s also this big push to conform to societal norms and if you’re not out there working, socialising, living independently then you’re a problem and need intervention.

This thread has a very judgemental tone about it.

NImumconfused · 24/08/2025 17:43

RikkeOfTheLongEye · 24/08/2025 17:06

OP I work for a mental health team - I'm a social worker and therapist. I have seen quite a lot of what you describe. I really relate to what you say about how it all crumbles once the parent / parents die or have to go into a home, and the support network is snatched away.

I would add that:

  1. I don't think this is anything new. I'm thinking of the 'old maid' stereotype in Jane Austen's literature: the daughter who ends up staying behind in life and caring for family because without marriage she can't find another social role.
  2. Family members - parents and children - have always done a huge amount of unpaid behind-the-scene caring for one another. In the situations you describe, it seems the complexity is that both parties receive care from each other so it's a mutual entanglement, no doubt with benefits and drawbacks on both sides.
  3. In some cases I think the adult child has such a level of difficulty - for example a severe learning disability or chronic mental health problem - that it would always have been difficult for them to live the sort of life that others think of as 'normal': successful career, spouse, kids. I know that people with all sorts of challenges are able to still live brilliant and worthwhile lives but there are some who will always need a level of care and support to be able to function. There are good things about that support coming from parents throughout your life but bad things too: the dependency, the emeshment, the fact that the parents of struggling adult children don't always support them to live the lives THEY want in the way that, for example, a professional social worker would ideally strive to do.
  4. In other cases the adult child could have had a very different life and it is life circumstances that end up trapping them in this sort of caring role where they end up with little of their own. That of course then creates mental health problems in itself as depression, anxiety etc thrive on soil of low self-esteem, low autonomy and lack of connection with peers. A vicious cycle indeed.

The trouble is though, there is so little support available, it's entirely left up to parents to deal with autism, mental health problems etc unless they're really severe. And parents on their own can't tap into the systems and resources that the professionals can. So they muddle along, spending money on whatever private support they can find, with no guidance as to whether that's the best thing for their child. The system is so stretched the professionals can't provide the needed support, but they also won't even tell you what type of private provision would be useful if you have the money for it.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 24/08/2025 17:44

RikkeOfTheLongEye · 24/08/2025 17:39

Sorry... 'creatures'?!

Yeah, I picked up on that.

Fairly typical of the dehumanising language becoming commonplace about anyone whose lifestyle we don't understand / disapprove of.

rubicustellitall · 24/08/2025 17:51

Yep its a lot easier to duck out of life by living in your mothers back bedroom..its all mutually beneficial until it isn't. In my experience he takes her shopping once a week on his day off..she pays all household expenses,he lives rent free and is her support network.He lives a life of riley and they both coexist mumbling along with unspoken animosity at how this situation occured. Her ,elderly, dependant on him cos she opted out of life years ago and cannot be bothered to learn anything and him thinking hes been held back when he couldn't be arsed living life....pair of them utterly pathetic. There was no other reason for any of this except both of them thought they deserved to be special and like work for example if I heard it once I heard it 1000 times let someone else do it for minimum wage why should we....all in all it stinks and they deserve each other. She even tried to lay it on me to promise to look after him when she had gone..do his washing and shopping cos men just don't know and need to be looked after ..errr no never. When you die he returns to the real world or doesn't it is not my issue.

mintydoggyv · 24/08/2025 17:56

CorneliaCupp · 24/08/2025 16:08

What happens to these men once their parents die op? My DC has autism and this is my greatest fear!

I can agree my partner had vascular dimentia and is no longer here at dimentia clubs etc yes there where men like that , after the parents had passed the ones l know carried on with life be it aimless or focused ,maybe lived in there parents home after the loss of parents , not interested in females , many well of , maybe just don't want girl or lady friends ,this type of illness is very stressful dimentia etc , the word on benifits, the case being that they end up with homes and money , they are about l agree , the men l have through dimentia clubs seem happy to live alone one supposes it's there choice

PiggyPlumPie · 24/08/2025 17:56

This is my BIL. Never moved out and is now 61.

Packed up work when my FIL started claiming carers allowance for my MIL. I guess he thought that there was money coming in so he didn't need to work.

10 years down the line, MIL is gone and him and FIL rattle around the house. Neither drive - FIL too infirm and BIL never learned. He does part own the house so will have that eventually. We won't take that off him.

But we live 6+ hours away and are not having him move in once FIL dies.

CorneliaCupp · 24/08/2025 17:57

rubicustellitall · 24/08/2025 17:51

Yep its a lot easier to duck out of life by living in your mothers back bedroom..its all mutually beneficial until it isn't. In my experience he takes her shopping once a week on his day off..she pays all household expenses,he lives rent free and is her support network.He lives a life of riley and they both coexist mumbling along with unspoken animosity at how this situation occured. Her ,elderly, dependant on him cos she opted out of life years ago and cannot be bothered to learn anything and him thinking hes been held back when he couldn't be arsed living life....pair of them utterly pathetic. There was no other reason for any of this except both of them thought they deserved to be special and like work for example if I heard it once I heard it 1000 times let someone else do it for minimum wage why should we....all in all it stinks and they deserve each other. She even tried to lay it on me to promise to look after him when she had gone..do his washing and shopping cos men just don't know and need to be looked after ..errr no never. When you die he returns to the real world or doesn't it is not my issue.

Very harsh.
Is this someone you know?

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/08/2025 17:57

@Sundaymunch

Agree - It’s not giving up but in some cases being a victim to your upbringing and not knowing how to break out and live independently. There’s also this big push to conform to societal norms and if you’re not out there working, socialising, living independently then you’re a problem and need intervention.

I don't see it as a moral judgement: nobody sets out to live like this and most people like this are victims of circumstances. They certainly deserve our compassion.

But mature adults in mid-life who are not working, raising children or contributing in any way and who are totally dependent on elderly parents are not usually living an optimal life. They are not usually very happy, they often have complex physical and/or mental health problems, they are a drain on others, both financially and in terms of logistics (whether that is borne by the family or the state).

In some cases this is totally unavoidable and everyone in this situation, however they have got there, deserves kindness. But, let's be honest, there are people who have drifted into this situation through fear, anxiety or inertia. I don't think its "dehumanising" to discuss how to enable these people to return to living useful lives.

1457bloom · 24/08/2025 17:59

The parents should give the vulnerable child a minority share, say 1%, in the house, to prevent the LA selling it.

rubicustellitall · 24/08/2025 18:01

CorneliaCupp · 24/08/2025 17:57

Very harsh.
Is this someone you know?

Yes it is . No additional needs either. We even get reminded as if we would forget that its his birthday and he has done us a list of acceptable presents he would like. OMG you couldn't make it up. The whole relationship is so bizzare and when questioned you get shot down it just works for them. Her in her 80s him on his 50s. His marriage failed he went home 20 yrs ago and that was that. they laugh at me for my independance as though I am a freak but I know where I would rather be!!

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 24/08/2025 18:03

I'm not sure why choosing not to date and being comfortable in a minimum wage job constitutes having "given up on life".

If you consider the only measure of success being having a partner, children, owning your own home, and having a successful, lucrative career, then I suppose these people must, to you at least, look like they have failed at life, but some people have no interest in material things, no interest in partners or children, and have no interest in participating in the mortgage/salary rat-race.

Personally I see it being a simple question of whether the individual is happy and well or not. If they can answer yes to those two things, then their relationship, job, and housing status are rather inconsequential, and to be honest I think it would be better for their own wellbeing if more people opted out of mortgage wage slavery.

DavAtTheCampaignForMoreBankHolidays · 24/08/2025 18:04

I used to work with soneone who lived with their Dad. She had no life outside of him and her cat. The house was in his name and she had to move out. She ended up sleeping in her car for months (I didnt know this or I would have offered her our sofa). She's now heading on to 70, will never be able to stop working and lives in a room in a HMO. She had to hive up her cat. It's heartbreaking.

CultivatesTheLand · 24/08/2025 18:04

Yes I’ve encountered it - you say no savings but surely they’ll have an inheritance?

MistressoftheDarkSide · 24/08/2025 18:07

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/08/2025 17:57

@Sundaymunch

Agree - It’s not giving up but in some cases being a victim to your upbringing and not knowing how to break out and live independently. There’s also this big push to conform to societal norms and if you’re not out there working, socialising, living independently then you’re a problem and need intervention.

I don't see it as a moral judgement: nobody sets out to live like this and most people like this are victims of circumstances. They certainly deserve our compassion.

But mature adults in mid-life who are not working, raising children or contributing in any way and who are totally dependent on elderly parents are not usually living an optimal life. They are not usually very happy, they often have complex physical and/or mental health problems, they are a drain on others, both financially and in terms of logistics (whether that is borne by the family or the state).

In some cases this is totally unavoidable and everyone in this situation, however they have got there, deserves kindness. But, let's be honest, there are people who have drifted into this situation through fear, anxiety or inertia. I don't think its "dehumanising" to discuss how to enable these people to return to living useful lives.

Depends whether your motivation is truly because you want people to have a comfortable and fulfilling life both materially and mentally for their own benefit, or if it's so they aren't a drain on other people and resources. People with little confidence after negative life experiences also tend to be very wary of people "trying to help them" when it's done out if sanctimonious or pity. We can smell it a mile off. We don't want to be a "project".

And yes, before you accused, I am probably projecting and taking things a bit personally because the circumstances described reflect my reality since I was widowed and spent the last year caring for my late DF while every part of my life collapsed around me.

Existential crisis? You bet your sweet bippy. Loss of identity? Yep. Isolation? Yep. Do I want to go back out there? Not right now, thanks, it's a bit hostile and judgemental in my experience.

HobnobsChoice · 24/08/2025 18:07

I always think of the Alan Bennett "Chip in the Sugar" monologue from Talking Heads.
My husband has a friend who is like this. He works and is a well paid professional who could buy a decent house in a nice area mortgage free. In his mid 40s he still lives with his parents, his mother cooks every night and even when he went to university he went into halls with a "bedder" and all meals catered. I'm not even sure if he can cook, although I know he has baked a few times. He has two siblings who have moved out, bought houses and are in relationships but he has no intention of moving out. His parents are in their 70s and getting less able now. His mother for a long time was a carer for her own mother although she had two brothers who still lived in the family home and couldn't or wouldn't make meals or do housework never mind personal care. Then their mother died and she is having to now support her brothers as well as her adult son. It's very normal in their family that the men just get looked and so DHs friend has never seen the need to move out. He came back after university 25 years ago and never left.

Someone2025 · 24/08/2025 18:10

Dappy777 · 24/08/2025 15:52

I have had a few experiences recently with people who've given up on life. They are all male, over 40, single and childless. My cousin, for example, is 48 and lives with his mother. He's sort of her carer (she isn't physically dependent, just depressed and clingy). I know he feels trapped, but he's sort of given up. He doesn't bother dating, has lost touch with old friends and does a minimum wage job to get by.

There seem to be a lot of middle-aged men like this. I encounter a lot of them in my line of work. They have never come to the attention of the authorities because they've never claimed benefits. Instead, their parents provide them with food and a home. In return the parents (or parent) gets company and support. They're often ashamed of their life, and so they don't socialise, date or work. Things tick along OK until the parents die. Then the problems begin. The person will often be in their 50s or 60s, with poor social skills, poor mental health (undiagnosed autism or depression, for example), no job or CV, and no savings. Often, the house has to be sold (either to pay for nursing costs or because siblings demand their share of inheritance). The individual then finds himself alone for the first time and unable to cope. It's not a pretty sight. People like this really need to consider what will happen after the death of the parents.

Just curious if others have encountered such men and know what I'm talking about. Maybe (because of the work I do) I get a skewed view, but it seems quite common. Because of the shame involved, it tends to be hidden.

They weren’t raised to have confidence and self esteem more than likely due to having overbearing mothers (toxic) I know a few like that, they lead very lonely lives, I know some women like that as well, some mothers are so toxic they end up destroying their children’s lives

Awobabobob · 24/08/2025 18:11

My DPs brother is like this. I think the root cause though is their toxic mother. DP managed to escape her by going nc (after spending part of his childhood in foster care due to neglect). Unfortunately his brother has been ruined by her sinister influence and overwhelming need to not be lonely and therefore keep her son close to her, even if that means his life is ruined. I suspect their co-dependant relationship is not unusual

NImumconfused · 24/08/2025 18:11

Someone2025 · 24/08/2025 18:10

They weren’t raised to have confidence and self esteem more than likely due to having overbearing mothers (toxic) I know a few like that, they lead very lonely lives, I know some women like that as well, some mothers are so toxic they end up destroying their children’s lives

Why is everything always the fault of mother's? Where were their dads in their upbringing?

MistressoftheDarkSide · 24/08/2025 18:13

NImumconfused · 24/08/2025 18:11

Why is everything always the fault of mother's? Where were their dads in their upbringing?

There is a very strong tone of "toxic women ruining their children's lives" developing here.

Some do, some don't, however, never forget a woman's place is in the wrong....

Bloody snakes and apples ......

Coatsoff42 · 24/08/2025 18:16

OP are you a community nurse? My friend meets lots of men like this as their parents (usually mothers) die/come to the end of their lives.

I’m trying to imagine how this would have worked out 100-200 years ago, I feel
that you would live in a community which is inter-reliant on each other for big jobs like building things or harvesting things or fighting people and the luxury of being an able bodied man (or woman) at home would vanish.
The inter-connected nature of ye olde society is beneficial in terms of loneliness and awareness of who is living where and how, but is quite tyrannical in that you don’t get to choose your life. Is it better or worse? I think freedom comes with societal disinterest.

unsurewhattodoaboutit · 24/08/2025 18:18

There’s a guy that lives at the end of the cul de sac with his very elderly parents. We saw him putting a bin out last week and it was a rare sighting. The guy looks like he’s made of putty because he’s spent so much time inside. God knows what will happen when his parents pass away.

unsurewhattodoaboutit · 24/08/2025 18:19

His mother seems lovely as does the dad. 🤷‍♀️

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