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Original poster

People who give up on life

233 replies

Dappy777 · 24/08/2025 15:52

I have had a few experiences recently with people who've given up on life. They are all male, over 40, single and childless. My cousin, for example, is 48 and lives with his mother. He's sort of her carer (she isn't physically dependent, just depressed and clingy). I know he feels trapped, but he's sort of given up. He doesn't bother dating, has lost touch with old friends and does a minimum wage job to get by.

There seem to be a lot of middle-aged men like this. I encounter a lot of them in my line of work. They have never come to the attention of the authorities because they've never claimed benefits. Instead, their parents provide them with food and a home. In return the parents (or parent) gets company and support. They're often ashamed of their life, and so they don't socialise, date or work. Things tick along OK until the parents die. Then the problems begin. The person will often be in their 50s or 60s, with poor social skills, poor mental health (undiagnosed autism or depression, for example), no job or CV, and no savings. Often, the house has to be sold (either to pay for nursing costs or because siblings demand their share of inheritance). The individual then finds himself alone for the first time and unable to cope. It's not a pretty sight. People like this really need to consider what will happen after the death of the parents.

Just curious if others have encountered such men and know what I'm talking about. Maybe (because of the work I do) I get a skewed view, but it seems quite common. Because of the shame involved, it tends to be hidden.

OP posts:
FullOfMomsense · 25/08/2025 16:22

I think there are a lot of people in every generation who don't follow the 'normal' path and end up living with parents or family well into adulthood. I know some who would likely be diagnosed with autism if tested, others who had disruptions to their childhood or early adulthood who didn't get the same opportunities as others (ill health as children, moving to a new town at a difficult time).

I think we need to have compassion, whether they have given up on life or just appear to, there's usually a good reason why they're in these circumstance. Maybe some of it is ease and familiarity, maybe some is family pressure or lack of support to venture out.

Velveteengreen · 25/08/2025 17:07

MyLimeGuide · 25/08/2025 08:08

Is he an only child?

Show quote history

No, he has a younger sister who is married with a daughter of her own.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/08/2025 19:15

mintydoggyv · 25/08/2025 10:11

Um ,l am mid 70 s nursed my wife for 5 years with vascular dimentia she passed in feb 25 and kept the bungalow and garden nice and clean and tidy , dust ,hoover, shower daily ,shave and still have many friends .so we are all the same

Show quote history

And? She didn't say all men, did she?

Gwenhwyfar · 25/08/2025 19:19

AgathaCristina · 25/08/2025 11:38

I know a man like this, A is mid 50's never married never had a girlfriend, I suspect he never had sex either. He has a job, own home but lives with parents most of the time. He is handsome and goes to the gym but all the women his brother tried to introduce him are never enough, his brother ( who is my friend) doesn't bother anymore and he has his own family to look after. same with dating apps, A never answer to any women in there he complains they are ugly, a bit overweight, too old, too young, smoke etc.. never give them the opportunityto have a first date and get to know each other( at least is what A's brother told me)

He might not end homeless as OP friends but he will end alone when his parents die, his only relative will be his brother but he is moving to Australia.. I think some men end alone because they are too picky

Sounds more scared than picky (and it could be subconscious).

Gwenhwyfar · 25/08/2025 19:21

brewshaw · 25/08/2025 12:32

@AgathaCristina I'm fairly sure men like this are just terrified and resistant of relationships full stop, but of course it's never his issue its always that women are just not good enough.

The TV show Friends portrayed it quite well. Before Monica, Chandler's commitment phobia made him very picky. There's one episode where we hear his inner voice going "enormous head, enormous head"...

See also women going after the married man/the bad boy so the don't have to actually have a serious relationship.

PurpleChrayn · 25/08/2025 19:43

If men are unable to flourish in the system they’ve created, I don’t have an awful lot of sympathy.

LandingOnAllFours · 25/08/2025 20:33

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 25/08/2025 15:21

@RikkeOfTheLongEye

That's why when social workers assess people's needs they are supposed to focus on what the individual actually wants out of life and what their personal normal / ideal look like

I often end up at loggerheads with Social Work in my job because what I do is predicated on Service User interest, and not what my organisation perceives as their best interest. Social Work continually ignores this and invariably works towards what "the book" says is best.

I recognise a lot of the behaviours and traits in people you mention in your post by dint of the fact that I work with people who have mental health diagnoses. The thing is though, all of the things you describe, people with capacity have every right to choose to live that way if they so desire, which is why it rankles with me when social work, psychology, GP's etc invariably attempt to either change those behaviours or railroad the individual along a path that some outside agency or doctor has determined is "best" for them.

Whether the behaviours have arisen as coping mechanisms or otherwise, the fact remains that if someone wants to eat nothing but garbage, leave the house fewer than half-a-dozen times a year, or barely ever wash themselves, provided they are aware of the potential consequences, if they then decide to continue living like that then they are entirely within their rights to do so, and I will never accept people or organisations interfering with that because it's never coming from a place of user-interest, it's always what the service or organisation has determined is theoretically best and what the individual actually wants is usually completely ignored.

As an example, I've pulled my hair out at the number of times I've gone to a GP with someone who wants to wean themselves off a psychiatric medicine, they express this to a GP, and they are just met with a brick-wall "no" from the Dr. The Dr's job is supposed to be to help the patient, not obstruct them and work against their wishes. There are other avenues to consider beyond yes/no, but it's astonishing how often GP's and other services totally forget that ultimately the power rests with the individual provided they have capacity, and instead refuse to facilitate. It invariably comes back to GP's doing what suits the GP, Social Work doing what suits Social Work etc. The individual's preferences are usually ignored, and there is absolutely no justification for it. Even when there is a CTO in place you are still within your rights to ask for a medication review, or at least start exploring the possibility of a change/reduction in meds, but it's quite often met with a point-blank refusal to engage, and instead you hear "no, I'm not going to do that".

I work with one individual who is severely agoraphobic. To the best of my knowledge he has set foot outside of his flat no more than a handful of times in the past five years. He's perfectly capable of living independently, his home is clean and tidy enough, he eats well enough, he's content living the way he does. He has an ASD diagnosis and is socially awkward in the typical way often associated with Aspergers. He has no social life, no friends, no partner, isn't married, likely never will be, likely never will have children. He says he's completely uninterested in any of this, and he's also uninterested in engaging with outside services beyond mine because he says they invariably attempt to change his behaviours or cajole him to do so, and he simply has no interest in changing, so that interference is totally unwelcome. He ticks the boxes for a lot of the things which are being described as problematic in this thread, yet there he is, happily living in his own way, not doing anyone any harm, not interested in changing for anyone else's sake. He neither wants nor has any need of extra help beyond the things we assist him with, so I can't comprehend how he can possibly be considered a "problem" when he's content and the way he lives has no detrimental effect on anyone else. In fact, he's almost a model tenant because he has an almost ghostly presence in his block and he's a stickler from looking after his home, but he's inarguably "isolated" and has shunned family and most attempts to engage with him. What is he supposed to do? Make himself unbearably uncomfortable just so he conforms more to someone else's idea of "normal"?

Edited

I agree, a lot of autistic older people are perfectly happy living this way.
The OP seems fixated on 'shame'.
It's not shameful to be different and be content with a different life.
One autistic adult I know of is perfectly happy and more regulated the less they go out.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 26/08/2025 15:18

PurpleChrayn · 25/08/2025 19:43

If men are unable to flourish in the system they’ve created, I don’t have an awful lot of sympathy.

Again, who is the arbitrator of "flourish"?

For all you know, the men being derided as coat-tail riding failures in this thread could be perfectly content. Just because they don't match up to someone else's concept of what success looks like means nothing at all.

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