Autistic child shouting/screaming in the garden

[SimplyStarry]

Autistic child is mine! Please can I have some options as I am very on edge. My son is autistic and non-verbal although he does say lots of words. I’ve recently moved house to a nice area, nice house, quiet neighbours. The garden is quite big and any sound tends to echo around. DS is a loud vocal stimmer - if he plays with water outside or spins my rotary line he shouts and does a loud, low AAAAGH! I’m hyper aware of how loud he is.

I’m next door (not joined) to an older couple with an immaculate garden, they do look after their grandchildren but I’m aware of how loud my son is when they are sitting out their garden. Joined onto my house is a family with 3 kids so not too bad.

He only goes out after 10am and I make sure he’s in early. We do go out a lot so he’s not out all the time.

I try and tell him to be a bit quieter and distract him too. I’m concerned that a neighbour might complain. What would you do?

Thank you.

It has been interesting to read this thread as a very similar situation has come up in my neighbourhood.

One of my neighbours posted on FB saying something along the lines of "This is a DISGRACE and clear DISCRIMINATION whoever wrote this expect to hear more!".

It seems someone reported her son to the council's noise team who wrote her a letter stating they wish to discuss the matter. It has caused a bit of pile on online.

Many are supporting her saying people should realise he is autistic and be ashamed of themselves. A small minority are saying people have the right to enjoy their homes and gardens.

Honestly - it does bother me no end. No I was NOT the person who put in the complaint. However I understand why the person did. He jumps up and down on a trampoline clapping his hands loudly and making sounds (he is non verbal), Their house is smack bang in the middle of a housing estate. I live 6 doors along and genuinely can't stand it especially when it's warm as my living room backs on to the garden and opening the patio doors makes it sound like he is in MY garden. The noise just carries. It goes on for hours and hours EVERY SINGLE DAY from when he gets home from school until bedtime.

Before anyone even thinks to jump on me with, "Try having an autistic child yourself...." actually I DO. Both my children are diagnosed as am I - I realised when I read their reports that many markers identified applied to me. Sudden loud noises really trigger me and I struggle to cope. I spent a fortune on my garden and I'd love to be able to sit out there and read in the summer. I don't mind the local children playing or someone mowing their lawn etc but the constantly clapping and screaming - just no,

Yes - he has a right to use his garden. However my point is - should it be EVERY EVENING ALL EVENING? Don't get me started on school holidays when it is all day AND night.

Also - does his rights being disabled trump mine also technically disabled? And do his rights trump everyone else's rights to quiet enjoyment of their gardens? The neighbour that backs on to her garden sold up and left as they couldn't cope not being able to enjoy their garden. It was a real shame as they loved the house and the area.

I am shocked at the mother's blatant attitude of basically "stuff you all my son is autistic". My children are to - doesn't mean I feel like they can trample over other peoples rights though.

We have a neighbour very similar to your boy, (maybe you’re our neighbour!) boy about 9/10. I personally think he sounds like he’s having a lot of fun and don’t mind it at all.

What do we mean by every evening, all evening? Surely the kid goes to bed.

Our son is in the garden after school in the summer from 3:30pm - 6:30/7pm, roughly, when he has a bath ready for bed. Sometimes with a break for food, others he eats outside.

He’s outside that long because he loves water, and his favourite activity is the sprinkler. And paddling pool.

Are we supposed to deprive him of one of the very few things he likes, because it’s not convenient?

The only other thing he’d do at that time is sit in his room on his iPad, and funnily enough when it’s 30 degrees outside - that’s not our preferred activity.

But at 7pm, which for grown ups is actually not that late - quiet and inside. Would that be enough?

ETA - he is a local child, and he’s playing. He’s playing in his way and he’s clapping because he’s happy. It’s a shame some people only like the sound of some children happily playing.

I believe this particular boy has issues sleeping. He is a teenager and seems to be constantly stimming. When I've walked past the house late at night (say 11:30 pm) he bangs his bedroom window at us and is clearly wide awake.

When I say constant - I mean CONSTANT. Gets in from school around 3:45 and it out there until 9;30/10pm EVERY SINGLE EVENING. During school holidays it is ALL DAY and night.

And no, I'm not saying deprive him of use of the garden. I don't expect him to be locked up like a prisoner but honesty - I DO EXPECT to be able to use my garden quietly of a evening without listening to clapping and screaming sounds.

Autism is a massive spectrum aa I'm sure your aware ,when you live in a community you have to expect to live in close vicinity to others, my autistic child non verbal and shouts but his stim i can't exactly gag him he also has a right to live in the community just like you do.
I knew the rights trumping thing would come up it always does on these threads ,
You want to be able to enjoy your garden but don't want the other child to enjoy his?

Yeah we’ve got a non-sleeper. It’s horrendous.

He would be in that garden at 3am if we let him. I think that’s what people don’t realise, we’ve already stopped them and fought that fight at a time that’s really inconvenient and isn’t just.. the evening.

That is not what I'm saying. I am saying we ALL have a right to enjoy our gardens however his mother clearly thinks his rights trump all of ours as he basically lives out there when he is not in school.

You want my honest genuine opinion? I say poor parenting. If he were my son I would not have him out there as much as he is because I would feel the need for some compromise for the sake of the neighbours.

Does that mean I'd lock him up? No it does not. We live in the countryside with a wealth of local parks and walks. I'd be out and about sometimes. Also there are local sensory groups etc specifically for autistic children - I'd have him enrolled in something like that too.

If that makes me an awful person - so be it. I'm simply being honest. I hate listening to the clapping and screaming every single time I go out to my garden between the hours of 3:45 and 10pm weekdays and all day at the weekend.

Ooh “poor parenting.”

B-B-B- BINGO!

I understand whst your saying and I don't let my son out at all times
However those autism groups are not a one size fits all as I'm sure your aware
And the child might not want to be out and about all the time
What works for one child doesn't work for everyone.

If you think it is acceptable for your neighbours to not enjoy their gardens quietly anytime outwith school hours then I highly suspect you are of the same mentally at this particular mother.

I do think 3 hours solid is a bit much.

How would anyone like to hear anybody shouting or whatever constantly for three hours.

Enjoying gardens is for everything. If you get in from work at 5pm and the neighbours kid is yelling from that time till 7/8pm. You’ve got no time yourself either that’s where being considerate neighbours comes in both ways. They are considerate of what you need but you need to be considerate of them too

Like I said earlier; we’re usually in by 7ish. I don’t think that’s too restrictive.

I just also know that “take them somewhere else” isn’t always doable. There are very few places our son can or will access.

If he wants to play in his own garden, convincing him to go to a SEN play session would be very difficult, and also IMO unnecessary. It’s his own garden.

“Poor parenting” is often handed around with no real idea how challenging it is to parent that child.

Autism dominates my life. I do get it. I've had the nasty judgemental looks from other parents when a full scale meltdown erupts in the middle of a public place. Been there - got the t-shirt.

However I cannot stand the whole, "I get a pass because...." mentally that my neighbour clearly has.

Honestly I'd be DELIGHTED if she brought her son in at 7pm, I could then get a bit of time in my garden. But she doesn't. He is ALWAYS there. It's infuriating.

By 7pm I wouldn’t want to be eating outside with my younger children having polite chat. I’d be wanting to get them ready for their bedtime routines so it would mean we would never be able to eat a meal or enjoy outside mon-thurs.

Fair enough.

But why would your desire to eat outside with your children trump my desire to let mine play in a paddling pool - because one of them is quieter?

@SleeplessInWherever If the child really is being left out in the garden for over six hours every weekday evening, that isn’t great, tbh, it must be after dark by the time he comes in.
Presumably he has a meal at some point?

He is indeed out there for 6+ hours EVERY WEEKDAY EVENING and eats out there - they have garden furniture.

He also constantly throws toys into the neighbours gardens. It distressed the neighbour who moved dog. Luckily I'm too far away for this throw to reach.

Well this is the thing about consideration isn’t it.

Id find it rather rude that my neighbour Mon-thurs had their child outside screaming and shouting till 7pm or later. Surely there is compromise.

I get it we also have a pool, but my children are told to be quiet and considerate because they are NT and can understand that. Just like I understand my neighbours toddler is louder and more excited but she goes to bed earlier as she’s younger. So again much like she might be outside by barely 8am chatting away to their livestock we wouldn’t be in the garden till 10am most likely on a weekend because lazy bums love sleep. We make sure we are quiet when we know she’s going to be going to bed as she’s only little but we can enjoy our garden and chat still.

And noise sensitive people have a right to enjoy their garden also.

How comes there's so many exceptions made for disabled kids yet none for the disabled adults who have to put up with this noise that they don't cope with

And before someone vleats on about they should take responsibility and wear headphones etc, well sure the child ( or parents) should take responsibility for lessening noise

Has to work both ways

I could quite rightly play heavy death metal til 10/11pm with zero consequences but I don’t because I’m nice and a toddler should be allowed to peace to sleep.

It's very easy to say that when you have an imaginary disabled child who is always compliant and easy to parent and the local sensory groups of course are also tolerated by this imaginary child.

Living it 24/7 with an actual real life child is a whole different reality.

Your neighbours are also living it with zero input on how to help or change it. With often zero chance at moving away either.

I have 2 actual real life children with ASD. I also have it.

I am VERY MUCH aware of the reality of it all.

Noise sensitive adults will also hear noise from everyone else outside of mumsnet land people don't sit silently in their gardens, people argue, smoke ,have noisy ,garden parties with music blaring ,
Children thst are not disabled. Also play in gardens paticularly in the summer
How is it it's only ever a problem when it's a disabled child making noise and not noise from everyone else ?

No, I understand you. But some of us literally cannot make our children shut up.

Our options would be stimming happily outside, or screaming inside. Likely some violence to us, possibly some self harm. You’d also still be able to hear it.

I’ve got genuine scars on my arms from being nipped, because I wouldn’t allow him to go and see his grandad.. at 4am.

Being considerate during actual inconvenient times, as in when your kids are asleep and it’s the middle of the night, is already hard.

You can’t be expecting that battle at 5pm, when all the other kids are allowed outside but ours isn’t because he’s too gobby?

I’m not saying the above for sympathy, I’m saying it for context. It’s really not as simple as just keeping them inside/busy.