Autistic child shouting/screaming in the garden

[SimplyStarry]

Autistic child is mine! Please can I have some options as I am very on edge. My son is autistic and non-verbal although he does say lots of words. I’ve recently moved house to a nice area, nice house, quiet neighbours. The garden is quite big and any sound tends to echo around. DS is a loud vocal stimmer - if he plays with water outside or spins my rotary line he shouts and does a loud, low AAAAGH! I’m hyper aware of how loud he is.

I’m next door (not joined) to an older couple with an immaculate garden, they do look after their grandchildren but I’m aware of how loud my son is when they are sitting out their garden. Joined onto my house is a family with 3 kids so not too bad.

He only goes out after 10am and I make sure he’s in early. We do go out a lot so he’s not out all the time.

I try and tell him to be a bit quieter and distract him too. I’m concerned that a neighbour might complain. What would you do?

Thank you.

You then should be aware just how severe it can be and how not all children with autism are the same.

The child is clearly out there for that many hours for a reason. It's a shame your first assumption is bad parenting.

I can sit and read a book and easily filter out typical "day to day" noises such as people talking, gardening, bikes, scooters, football etc.

What I cannot filter out is constant loud clapping and screaming. It is completely different.

Solidarity, I also have nips and scratches and a rather fetching purple bruise on my arm from me Trying to stop him hurting himself
School next week thankfully

It doesn't except modt parents would be telling their non disabled kids off for screaming and shouting in gardens not making excuses

My own were hauled inside for shouting or fighting.

I have honestly formed the opinion of "bad parenting" after reading her numerous rants on FB. She clearly does not give a damn about any of her neighbours and her posts are extremely aggressive and very much, "You are all a disgrace as my son is disabled. You are discriminating against him which is illegal".

I challenge you to haul my kid anywhere. I’ll warn you in advance - he’s a big lad, and he’s very determined.

@FloatingInTheSummerSky These children are a part of life and a part of our community. I would be interested to know what you would do differently if you were parent to one.

@x2boys Yes, people will hear all sorts of garden noise. Over six hours every weekday evening is a lot though, I can understand why @FloatingInTheSummerSky is frustrated.

Most people don’t leave their children (with SEN or NT) outside for that long every evening.

Theres an autistic child that lives near me ( 2 doors down) and honestly it is annoying but what can you do? He can’t help it - he does a sort of constant ‘eeeee’.

Its just life, I certainly don’t expect him to be indoors I tend to pop my headphones on and listen to music/podcast if I’m out there alone or when dc are outside and we’re chatting on we put low music on which helps.

Well, I mean, do the neighbours really give a damn about her disabled child? If not then I suppose it goes both ways.

She's probably feeling ganged upon and like she can't win because he's likely even louder inside which is why he's outside so much. She certainly won't be doing it for fun or to get her jollies from upsetting the neighbours.

If you had taken the time to read my posts you would see that I have 2 children with ASD. I am also diagnosed.

My point is - I would not allow my children to be out screaming and clapping in my garden for 6+ hours every weekday evening and 12+ hours at the weekend.

I have a right to quiet enjoyment of my garden. The mother concerned is not taking on board any complaints and is too busy ranting about disability rights to bother thinking about anyone else's rights.

I’ll ask nicely.

If I was your neighbour and something I did in my garden or home set off your child into huge meltdowns would you ask me to maybe possible change or stop it.

After all I would just be going out my day enjoying my house or garden, regardless of how that affected your enjoyment of your home or garden.

Maybe that thing is something that I or my child has to do for their mental wellbeing,
maybe it’s part of course work because someone takes music but we do it within the allowed hours and by council rules it’s fine. Would you like to hope we would maybe listen to how it affects you and change too.

I did read all your posts. I know you have two children with ASD. I meant a child with a different set of behaviours. It's not so easy to say what you wouldn't allow without being in another parent's shoes. Plus I don't think you do have an actual right to the quiet enjoyment of your garden.

Are you disabled and unable to do anything differently?

Severely autistic children aren’t known for their flexibility.

Not being able to eat your tea peacefully outside may be upsetting for the NT, but it’s not a meltdown. Not in size, not in severity, not in impact.

But to answer properly - the world does things that are inconvenient or distressing for our son every day. He doesn’t fit in the NT world. So if you were doing something that bothered him, I’d let it slide, because some days he’s bothered that the sky is blue. It would go on the list of things we can’t help or change.

@BettysRoasties I think neighbourhood life is all about understanding and compromise.

I would honesty have NO ISSUE with my neighbour's son if I got a bit of respite from it. But I don't. It is relentless. The mother is not willing to even consider the fact it is impacting the neighbours. She is too busy shouting about how they are ignorant selfish discriminatory twats.

I genuinely think it would be a COMPLETELY different situation if she could adopt the mindset of, "It's not great for the neighbours to have to listen to this for 6+ hours straight every week day evening. Maybe I should bring him in at 7".

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Seriously. I've never had a home with a quiet garden.

My mum lives in a deathly quiet nice estate. TBH the quiet garden makes me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't begrudge the neigbours (and there are lots) some mowing, DIY, civilised music noise etc. I am quite nosy though, like to know what's going on.

To answer you genuinely - it’s the “neighbours shouldn’t have to listen to this.”

Nobody wants to see their kids as a burden, and parents of severely disabled children can be very defensive because things are already hard enough without receiving a telling off.

You should go and explain the situation and try to minimise the impact on them. Mn aren’t your neighbours and you should speak to them. I can’t imagine anyone being realistically ok knowing this is a long term situation. They have a right to enjoyment too

You sound more thoughtful than me, we are In a similar situation with an extremely noisy child( verbal ) who also fights with siblings, screams, wants music up loud outside etc. I do think some of the neighbours must hate us but equally they make noise which disturb us of a different nature- I have my kids inside by 7pm latest and never out before 10am really whereas one family usually only comes out at 8pm and we can hear their kids play foot etc so I haven't found myself compelled to say anything or apologise. Another neighbour makes a lot of noise with gym equipment so overall if any one of them said anything to me I’d not be too worried. One elderly neighbour who I didn’t once say I’m sure you hear my child a lot said she loves hearing the kids in the garden as it reminds her of the family she raised! So your neighbours could be the same. Our garden is unique in a way as it has several other gardens backing onto it so unfortunate for us all that we have to hear each others garden antics!

I do know that I would not take my neighbour's approach because despite all of my daily challenges I do actually think about impact on others when it comes to my/my son's behaviour.

Also - the law disagrees with you. It has been established in common law that people have the right to quiet enjoyment of their homes and gardens.

Yep.

and again, when he goes inside, I can't imagine the child is suddenly silent. The nearest neighbours may still complain. He may even be louder if his routine is suddenly changed.

Parents of disabled children often can't win no matter what they do so she is likely doing what is best for her child.

It’s more difficult living out in a quiet area. I used to live in a very dense populated area of London and didn’t think twice about my kids making noise in the garden. There was noise everywhere and everyone just got on with it. In quiet neighbourhoods people get funny about any noise.
A card or a word with neighbours would be nice, people tend to be much more understanding and kind once they feel some little connection with you.
And then try not to worry about him. Let him enjoy his space.
You sound very considerate.

In practice though, it sounds like your neighbours are trying to enforce that right and not having much luck? Because the council can't really ask people to stop making noise. It's a part of life in a community. I understand your situation is on the extreme end but I do think you are fortunate to have more choices in handling the situation than a severely disabled child and his parents do.

We used to live in a house where our neighbour could've been you. A little kid kept making the same noise over and over again. Me and my husband assumed the little kid had special needs and did not think anything about it. If anything, we felt a lot of sympathy for the family. If you get nasty comments that says more about them!

I've done some research and it seems the way forward is "careful mediation" to ensure that (a) the boy can enjoy his garden and (b) the neighbours can also enjoy theirs.

However this would require the mother to actually see beyond her situation and appreciate that the neighbours would like to use their gardens sometimes without being hit by flying toys and listening to loud clapping and screaming. I don't think she is capable of that.

It will be interesting to see how it all unfolds. From a legal perspective he has the right to use the garden and has a disability. However the neighbours also have the right to quiet enjoyment of their homes and gardens.