Autistic child shouting/screaming in the garden

[SimplyStarry]

Autistic child is mine! Please can I have some options as I am very on edge. My son is autistic and non-verbal although he does say lots of words. I’ve recently moved house to a nice area, nice house, quiet neighbours. The garden is quite big and any sound tends to echo around. DS is a loud vocal stimmer - if he plays with water outside or spins my rotary line he shouts and does a loud, low AAAAGH! I’m hyper aware of how loud he is.

I’m next door (not joined) to an older couple with an immaculate garden, they do look after their grandchildren but I’m aware of how loud my son is when they are sitting out their garden. Joined onto my house is a family with 3 kids so not too bad.

He only goes out after 10am and I make sure he’s in early. We do go out a lot so he’s not out all the time.

I try and tell him to be a bit quieter and distract him too. I’m concerned that a neighbour might complain. What would you do?

Thank you.

I’m having a great day thank you.

But it seems you weren’t which is why you were rude when you initially replied to me.

Anyway, the next time you come at someone the way you did earlier today perhaps you’ll remember how it makes you look, and that when you try to dig a hole for someone else you’ll probably end up in it yourself.

As the Mum of a 40 year old, non verbal, autistic son I know exactly how you feel.
Our son has lived in his own flat (with carers) since he was 26. Until then he lived with us in our small, Edwardian terrace house. I used to agonise because of noise and upsetting neighbours but in all those years we never had any unkind comments or complaints. Perhaps we were very fortunate but I think the majority of people are understanding and well aware of the trauma and pain you are already experiencing bringing up a disable child. In fact neighbours often stop and ask how he is.
Can I suggest you take a look at the Challenging Behaviour Foundation website (although you probably already have!) They provide excellent support and helpful information.
Sending you a big hug!

Have they actually complained? It doesn't sound like they have.
It could be that it doesn't bother them, or they feel that some noise is just everyday life.
We live in quite a quiet area and we have children around us who play in their gardens, trampoline, ball games - that sort of thing. Sometimes there is screaming and shouting (playful stuff not fighting) and it can be noisy. But it's just life. It's not all the time and we all make noise throughout the day.
Despite what it might seem like online sometimes, not everyone complains at every little thing.
I'd start chatting to them, open up communication so if they do feel it's an issue at any time they feel free to speak to you about it. Then you don't have to worry that they might be secretly annoyed.

Why should anyone else move?

That really only equates if the person has capacity to live to society’s expectations.

Is it a joyous noise? That wouldn’t bother me.
My neighbours out back and to the side, have a teen who shrieks and swears like they are being murdered. They have never mentioned why. I presume they are SEN. It’s very irritating when it goes on for a long time.
I do think it would be nice to pop a note op. You’re nice to think of them.

Because the behaviour isn’t just going to stop is it?!
You do realise that life isn’t fair sometimes don’t you?

You are already limiting the amount of time he spends in the garden and keeping it to social hours. They know he is autistic. You are doing more than enough to be fair on your neighbours.

If they complain they are arses. He's not an anti social teen blasting music at midnight. He's a child, playing at reasonable times in his garden. Even if he didn't have additional needs, it would be ok for him to make noise. Try not to worry

What have you decided to do op?

No it's understanding that whilst your child can't help their "happy sounds" are the same as other people's "antisocial noise sounds"

Then allowing it to happen every day for hours calling anyone who is affected in their homes, disablist bigots.

When actually it's just selfish and ignorant parents. Make no mistake, no one is fed up with the child. It's the parents who should look further than their own noses but shrug off any respect to anyone else than themselves or their child.

God, are you back?

We’ve been out most the day today. As promised!

Came back to my neighbours 5 kids playing in their garden. Right racket they were making. Might ring the police.

Actually, as the mother of a disabled child, I do.

Just to be clear, that I haven't misunderstood this absolutely astonishing trope: I should expect people without children to book their holidays at peak prices in the school holidays because I'm that entitled that I'll give that as obvious solution to allowing my child to make constant antisocial noise in the garden every day for hours,. meaning no one else can use their own garden. Tell people to shut themselves indoors with an Aircon unit that they need to buy. Sit in your garden at 5am! Change your entire employment! Duh.

Anything but deal with the problems caused to people in their own homes by my child, eh? Call me out on that? You disablist bigot. You all need to work round my family's antisocial behaviour. He can't help it. So it's fine and he'll do what he likes. And it makes my life easier. I'm ok, Jack.

Fuck me. No wonder us SEN parents get a fucking bad rep.

I’m not going to bother engaging with you any further beyond this point, because I can’t get over your sanctimony.

As you’re a SEN parent, I assume you know that we are not “ok Jack,” it is not about giving our kids what they “like,” and our lives are in no way “easier.”

You might be happy and comfortable to describe your own disabled child as anti social and a problem to others, but you’re barking up entirely the wrong tree trying to encourage others to do the same.

You keep your child inside, and don’t let him make noise in the vicinity of other people. That’s up to you.

But those of us who aren’t doing so do not deserve your criticism or patronising, and the idea that SEN parents are “ok Jack” is as ridiculous as it is offensive. Especially since you know otherwise.

I can't believe you are this hard of thinking, to still claim that you can't grasp what I'm writing.

Imagine someone's outside every afternoon, playing Agga-Doo on repeat. For 4 hours.

Now, do you think it's more annoying, less annoying, or (I'll give you a clue, it's this one...) exactly as fucking annoying whether the noise is out of someone's control to make.

Do we pretend that we're just entitled to annoy other people, because the source can't help it. Or do we grow up a bit, and say "well, we know it's not deliberate, but it's actually preventing other equally important members of society enjoying their own homes, so it's not ok to actively allow that to happen every day, claim disablist bigots if they don't suffer in silence"

How hard our days are, they'll most likely never know. But that's not their fault. And we can't just think "fuck it, my life's tough enough" as justification to spoil someone else's repeatedly because it suits solely our circumstances.

It's his home, it's his home. Quite. It's theirs too. But they aren't ruining your ability to use your home. You are. Every day. For hours.

It's not sanctimonious to be considered of other people in their own homes. Which goes for both ways.

Genuinely - if someone was making noise beyond their control, I wouldn’t find that annoying at all.

As I said, there’s a child who sounds higher need than ours lives out the back. His happy stimming noise is high, and loud, and it sounds like his only communication is through a series of sounds. Fair enough, not much that can be done about that. Glad he’s generally happy.

I’d assume that was because of my bias, but it’s not. I lived next door, pre disabled child, to a little girl who’s only regulatory activity was swinging on a creaky swing all day and night. The creak was part of the whole thing for her. I’m talking 6am - 11pm at this time of year.

Wasn’t bothered, didn’t seek an explanation or apology from her parents, and certainly didn’t want her taking inside.

I genuinely wouldn’t ask someone to remove their child from my vicinity for my convenience, or have any ill feeling toward any child either happily playing or behaving in the only way they know how.

Same.

My son wasn't born disabled, it happened suddenly after complications from an illness. He isn't usually noisy during the day and doesn't have any learning disabilities so the understanding is there but he can be noisy at night for various reasons.

Before he was disabled, I felt the same way too so it isn't just because my son is now also disabled either.

Don’t get me wrong I definitely am biased, and I’m aware of that.

But I also genuinely believe that people should be tolerant, and you don’t have to have a disabled child yourself to do that.

My son wasn't disabled for 8 years and then he was so I feel like I've been on both sides of the coin and I honestly didn't feel any differently before his illness and disability. I can also appreciate that it is different when your child is born with a profound disability and you've had to fight for them since the beginning and put up with intolerance and ignorance from the beginning.

I've never apologised or explained about the noise at night but then neighbours have never asked. They know he's disabled because he's in a wheelchair so it's obvious but they've never asked about it.

Indeed and disabled children are limited anyway yet so many posters would like to see them even more limited because they don't like any disruption to their life
Thankfully IRL I haven't seen many people pontificating about their rights being trumped, most people are understanding ime.

@FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease my rhetorical point wasn't very well made! I was trying to say that for some people, forcing their child to stay inside is a huge and almost impossible compromise, equivalent to someone changing jobs or spending extra money, or generally completely up-ending their whole daily schedule. Those things seem a massive imposition; well, that might be what a different SEN parent feels on hearing the request to "simply keep your child quiet or indoors in the evenings".

I hear what you are saying about SEN should not be a free pass to not care about others. And I agree to some extent; we shouldn't lose our humanity and our standards and become selfish. I admire that you have this caring and community focus, given you yourself have children with additional needs.

However I think it's not possible to legislate for all of us. I can keep my child with ASD in the house and quiet, because they are verbal and their needs present in different ways. But I'm bloody lucky that I don't have one who is compelled to flick lights on and off while screaming. It is purely the luck of the draw. In my case, I tell you I CANNOT make my child brush their hair or wash, sometimes. I am a very skilful parent. But nope. So far this only affects them, not the neighbours. But sheer luck, that the thing they are compelled to do does not affect the neighbours!

You actually have no idea if your child is amenable to your discipline through this sheer luck or through some special skill you have that the rest of us with ND kids don't. On balance of probability I would say it's luck?

There's another thing- it's a slightly insidious idea that ND people or disabled people need to fit in and be "good" and sort of be MORE caring of others because they need to ask others for accommodations. In fact there will be a range of more and less thoughtful people, just as in the population at large. its not nice to be a dick - but you're not specially more of a dick if you are a dick who also has ND.

I agree with a lot of what you're saying.

I think two points are pertinent, one in particular seems to have been lost. The frequency. And common sense.

For example. This school hols, the house over the hedges often has 3 boys in the garden. Two play in a very non descript way. As in a bit of noise, jumping in their pool, shouting at each other on occasion. "Tag, you're it...Oi get off me..." etc. They can be loud but it's not constant. It's what most would consider general play noise. The third boy is not a resident. He's a visitor, I think a cousin. Fuck me. He screams the whole time like someone is gouging his eyes out. The whole time. Screams. It's horrendous. You can not sit out whilst it's happening. And if that happens to be all bank holiday Monday, that's your day and your children's day in your garden ruined because this child is allowed to do this. He isn't told to be quiet. Ever. It goes on for hours and hours and hours. I have no idea if he's NT, nor does it remotely matter because it makes sod all difference to the end result. We also don't need telling that hours of screaming isn't ok to inflict upon others, irrespective of whether the child has control over the screaming.

However. This happens maybe once a month. And it's unbearable on those days. But it's once a month. That's tolerable. Monthly frequency of not being able to use our home they way we should because of how another family use theirs without caring of the consequences to anyone else in the vicinity. It's not ok, but it's tolerable.

Every day? So we could never use our garden? That's not ok. And in decent, respectful society, we all know that.

(Awaits the poster incapable of reading anything without responding "so you think disabled people shouldn't exist then" to insist that clearly I think the answer is to lock away all the children that aren't "normal") 🤣

My kid? It's part luck that he's not a relentless screamer, but equally part parenting because he's a damn noisy smasher upper. He's smashed things up outside and that's not ok for the neighbours to have to put up with. He was brought inside and smashed up half the hall. That's my problem. I don't just leave him outside driving everyone else up the wall because that's a better result for me. My kid, my consequences.

Not everyone in the neighbourhood needs to deal with your child being disruptive, and pretending they aren't disruptive because they can't help their disruptive behaviour is a very head in the sand approach.

”come at someone”

sweet Jesus, life must be hard for you.

And for anyone wondering what post @Weepixie was referring to… this is the post where I supposedly “come at” @Weepixie

skin so thin as to be transparent

Given that sometimes the only safe outdoor space for people with Autism is their own garden (some kids elope) I think the noise wouldn't bother me. We live next door to a respite centre for kids either disabilities and they play out. Their noise just blends in with all the other neighbour noise.

It doesn’t blend in at all , it’s completely jarring . In the same way kids in loud backfiring exhaust cars don’t blend into a normal traffic hum