Big argument with sister over DS

[GeordieInSunderland]

Sister and I have children very close in age. Our DS’s are 9, my DD is 6 and her DD is 7.

Every summer holidays we meet up weekly for a big day out. At the start of this holiday sister sent me a list of day out ideas. I replied “I’ll show DS and see what he thinks ☺️”. This one sentance was a huge mistake, taken way out of context and set the tone basically for the following weeks. She replied “Well last time I checked we had 4 kids between us, not just DS”. I responded saying I didn’t mean it like that! Just that I’d show him the list and get his thoughts.

Anyway, most weeks have gone well but last week we had arranged a day out to cinema and bowling however DS saw something different advertised and said he’d like to do that instead. I messaged sister and said “Do you mind if we change plans for tomorrow? There is something on in town I think they’d all like”. She replied “DS would like you mean? Well no sorry, sticking to plans already made”. Fair enough. She took her kids on planned day, I took mine to alternate activity.

Sister is now saying that DD was upset and told her she had been really upset at missing the day with her cousin and having to go to DS’s boring thing. I don’t believe DD said this as she appeared to enjoy it. Sister then asked DD if she wanted to go to Alton towers with her and her kids. I said no as DS doesn’t like theme parks and she snapped “I’m not asking him! I’m asking her! It’s not all about him!” DS was in ear shot and ended up crying. I’m fuming and have said we’ll just do our own thing for the remainder of the holidays. It has proper blown up where she has basically accused me of neglect.

AIBU to go NC for the remainder of the holidays?

Im waiting for the drip feed that ds has additional needs YABU. Your sister's response seems extreme so I'm going to assume this is normally what happens everyone dancing to a golden child tune. I have a friend who does similar we don't see them much now as I cannot be bothered with constant pandering to 1 child at the expense of the others enjoying themselves

I dint think the entitled sister will be back here 🤓

Going NC with your sister because ahe called you out on your behaviour is ridiculous.

You’ve given several examples where you are favoring ds over the other children. It sound like this has probably been going on for a while and she’s finally snapped.

Was Your sister offering to take DD? Why not let dd go with her aunt if she wanted to? You could've then taken DS elsewhere ?

Yeah, even at 6 my dd would have had an opinion on a list of proposed activities and I'd have invited her opinion as well as ds's. We've a big age gap and so keeping everyone happy has sometimes been a challenge, but both kids know the world doesn't revolve around either of them.

Why are people still responding? The OP hasn't returned and probably won't. Yet another intentionally provocative drive-by thread. So tiresome. 🙄

I agree with her, and get why she finds it so irritating. The amount you have mentioned what your son wants to do just in your post does seem like that’s the only opinion you consider. Maybe it’s because your DD is younger and you’re not used to her having an opinion as she has been too young or is happy to go with the flow.

My mum does this with my neice and nephew, it’s always the older neice that she asks, takes out, nephew is an afterthought. She tries to make it seem equal but she puts a lot of thought in to her relationship with my neice. I know she prefers girls and I just accept it as it’s my mum, my DW finds it infuriating and has said if she ever acts that way with our kids then she’d cut her off.

Im sure you think it’s unfair but your sister has clearly picked up on something and instead of just getting defensive your should examine it, if you are prioritising your DS, your DD will eventually see he’s the golden child and it will be really traumatic

I suspect maybe ds has Sen so you automatically prioritise his needs? Or maybe not. You should look up glass children. This isn’t a criticism as I have a Sen ds and my dd misses out on soooo much because he can’t tolerate a lot and ds dictate what we do because of this. However if someti trusted offers to take my dd to something we can’t do with ds I would say yes. Someone told me about the concept of a glass children and it’s important not to let a child feel you look through them for their sibling

It definitely sounds like you expect everything to revolve around DS.

Why didn't you want to show the list to DD to ask her opinion? You changed your entire plans for the day- and even tried to get the rest of the group to change them- because DS decided he wanted to go to something different and clearly the commitment you'd made didn't matter as much as his whim.

Your sister tried to tell you that you weren't being fair to DD but you dismissed her out of hand, and when she attempted to prioritise what your DD wanted, since you clearly have no intention of doing that, you butted in to centre your DS in the conversation. And your biggest problem with that is that DS was upset by it.

Talk about a golden child.

Agree with you 💯!

Ffs your poor dd. Can you not see how unreasonable and annoying you must come across to your sister?

This thread also shows why so many men think the world revolves around them when they are given that idea from such a young age.

Yep.

I don’t even think it’s about age with the OP. I think she thinks her little Prince must be given his way.

You need to calm down!

God i have in laws that plan everything around one child's preferences and it's exhausting

Sometimes kids have to do things they dont want to, for the sake of the others

I mean there's only like a week left of the holidays but sure. You'd be doing her a favour by the sound of it.

I don’t get this NC for any slight disagreement.
Sometimes NC is necessary if it is impacting mental health or safety of family members, this is totally valid, and justified.
Going NC with your sister cause she pointed out your obvious favouring of your DS wants over your DD isn’t one of these occasions.
You don’t like what she has said and rather than take it onboard and act on it you’ve spat the dummy, from what you’ve said she has a valid point

You can't be being serious?!

Why only ask DS not DD, that's very odd behaviour? And did you ask DD if she would have preferred to go with her cousins rather than do what DS wanted to do? You have to treat your DC equally or it will backfire on you in later years.

My guess is that there is a drip feed that DS is neurodivergent. Even so you are being so unreasonable.

She replied “Well last time I checked we had 4 kids between us, not just DS”. I responded saying I didn’t mean it like that! Just that I’d show him the list and get his thoughts.

She was bang to rights.

You never considered showing DD and asking for her thoughts?

So your daughter cant go to a theme park because your son doesn't want to?
I think your sister has a point.

In feel sorry for your daughter as you clearly dont care much about what she wants to do. Must be hard to be the forgotten child having to pretend you like to go to every activity her brother likes.
I also did think it was bard formfor you to cancel plans with your sister last minute. I would guess you have a form for it and prioritising your son, hence your sister's reaction.

I was thinking this too, but if that was me Id love my sibling to be able to take the other child out so they dont forever miss out.