Big argument with sister over DS

[GeordieInSunderland]

Sister and I have children very close in age. Our DS’s are 9, my DD is 6 and her DD is 7.

Every summer holidays we meet up weekly for a big day out. At the start of this holiday sister sent me a list of day out ideas. I replied “I’ll show DS and see what he thinks ☺️”. This one sentance was a huge mistake, taken way out of context and set the tone basically for the following weeks. She replied “Well last time I checked we had 4 kids between us, not just DS”. I responded saying I didn’t mean it like that! Just that I’d show him the list and get his thoughts.

Anyway, most weeks have gone well but last week we had arranged a day out to cinema and bowling however DS saw something different advertised and said he’d like to do that instead. I messaged sister and said “Do you mind if we change plans for tomorrow? There is something on in town I think they’d all like”. She replied “DS would like you mean? Well no sorry, sticking to plans already made”. Fair enough. She took her kids on planned day, I took mine to alternate activity.

Sister is now saying that DD was upset and told her she had been really upset at missing the day with her cousin and having to go to DS’s boring thing. I don’t believe DD said this as she appeared to enjoy it. Sister then asked DD if she wanted to go to Alton towers with her and her kids. I said no as DS doesn’t like theme parks and she snapped “I’m not asking him! I’m asking her! It’s not all about him!” DS was in ear shot and ended up crying. I’m fuming and have said we’ll just do our own thing for the remainder of the holidays. It has proper blown up where she has basically accused me of neglect.

AIBU to go NC for the remainder of the holidays?

Me too. In fact when a daughter was mentioned I had to go back and re read as I thought your son was your only child!

I think you and your sister are spending too much time together

This.
A definite case of Little Prince syndrome.

Also the NC helps who? Nobody. You cut off your daughter from her cousins to what? Protect your golden baby from the fact that the three of them would like to do things he doesn’t?

Just another way of putting your daughter last.

Agree with others, you seem to be prioritising DS and your daughter is ultimately missing out.

That’s not relevant to the fact your response was wrong 😂

Yes it does come across PA - for good reason. The OP does allow her Ds’ interests and opinions to dictate what they do. OPs entire post is about how she does that.

Also girl cousins can be thick as thieves and I fully believe your daughter could well have been upset about missing time with her cousin.

sounds like your dd as the youngest automatically just got taken where the oldest wanted to go, which is quite normal when still little, but at 6 she’ll have her own preferences too. Do you think you’ve fallen into that trap? You should have shown the list to both kids. Or it could be that your ds kicks off more generally so you do tend to pick what he wants, without fully considering the wants of your dd? Your sister has overreacted. It’s not worth falling out about long term though.

YABVU

Your DS wanted to change plans and instead of you telling him no because you already had plans you cancelled with your sister and jumped to do what he wanted. You also wouldn't allow your daughter to go to a theme park because your son doesn't like them, what has your son got to do with it?! Plus you only asked your son's opinion on all the days out at the start of the summer, your sister didn't say she was asking her son so I can see why she was pissed off about that, she was asking you, as the adult, your opinion on the days out, not your son.

Why do you always prioritise your ds?

Haha always theee way!

your poor dd, have you ever even asked her what she'd like to do on days out??? Or is it just up to your ds all the time

I’m sorry, I didn’t read the OP properly, the daughter was mentioned there. I still would like to know why you are only taking your son’s likes/dislikes into consideration, @GeordieInSunderland, and apparently ignoring your daughter and what she would like to do? Also, what’s with the NC business? Because your sister has been critical of your attitude to your daughter (by the sounds of it, justifiably)? Talk to your sister (and your daughter).

What’s your DS got to do with an invite to a theme park that’s not for him, when he doesn’t like theme parks? So your DD never gets to go to one? Your DS sounds awkward tbh. I’d not be inviting him either. Let your DD go and you sit in and watch TV with your precious DS.

Where have you gone OP?

Very agg post.

why shouldn't DS ask if they can do X if he's only just found out about an event that's on??

they could have all done it & done the planned activity another day.

@GeordieInSunderland

why couldn't you have just let DD go to Alton with your sister & her kids??. They were inviting HER, it had nothing to do with DS (presumably she knows he doesn't enjoy them)

nothing wrong with changing plans if something is a one off event one of the kids wants to go to & nothing wrong with your sister sticking to the original plan. Would they have taken DD with them if she'd wanted to go?

Sometimes kids say what they think the adults want to hear. It's not lying really. Just learning the 'polite' response. She possibly had a great day with you & DS and was disappointed to miss out on the original plans. I wouldn't over think it!

Can you take her & whichever kids want to go?

Don't spoil what's left of the kids holiday because you & your sister have pissed each other off!

jyst invite them to join you somewhere all the kids enjoy or for a sleepover.

its for the KIDS (ALL of them) not you & your sister

I actually had a friend who was like this with her son, she had a younger daughter and I had 3 daughters at the time (now have 4) whenever we went on days out every single decision would ride on what her son wanted, it would be 1pm and I'd say "shall we think about stopping for our picnic soon" and she'd say "oh DS is still busy playing" and we'd have to wait until he physically came over and asked for food and then everyone else was expected to drop everything and immediately eat, it was like this with every decision, like moving rooms in a museum or whatever. I stopped going out with her after a while because it was just so ridiculous.

Go NC after a spat? Fucking hell.

You want to go no contact because your sister called it about your 9 year old being the favorite kid and running the show.

At least let your daughter go with people who want her around and that she has a nice time with.

You and Golden Child do your thing.

This is ridiculous. Going no contact over such drivel would be insane. Just do your own thing sometimes. You aren't joined at the hip.

Why are you so focused on your DS? That comes across loud and clear from your post. Is he your golden child and your DD isn't?

Why on earth couldn't DD go to Alton Towers with your sister (who did offer) and you do something else with DS if that would work best? Why is DD denied the opportunity just because it isn't DS's thing?

Why did you try to change arrangements at the last minute when DS wanted to? You should have been telling him that that's unacceptable because the arrangements have already been made but his activity could be considered for another time.

Your sister might well have a point here. It does seem to be all about your DS.

So you won’t allow your daughter to go to the theme park with her cousins because your son doesn’t want to go? It does sound like you’re letting your son’s preferences dominate. If you continue to effectively play favourites like this your DD will come to resent you for it.

It’s going to be one of those threads that’s not right/real or the op doesn’t come back because they can’t handle the heat.

I dunno, I think you may have shot yourself in the foot a bit with this one. If you have a sister who's willing to share the load with some childcare help over the summer, would it not have been better to sit down and come up with an itinerary with the kids?

Say if one of her children preferred to do an activity that one of yours' had expressed an interest in on a certain day, you could have taken one of her's and she had one of your's (and vice versa). The eldest child shouldn't have the final say in what you do on a given day,; especially if the younger child could have gone with her sister and cousins and had a better time.

Yes YABU. As pretty much everyone else has said, it does sound like you prioritise your son over everyone else, including your daughter. I am going to take a guess and say that for your sister to have reacted the way she did, this isn't the first time during your many visits together that you have appeared to put your son first. You should let DD go to the theme park with her cousins if she wants to. Did you even ask her if she had said what your sister said she did? When DS suggested another activity did you ask DD what she wanted to do? The reasonable (less pandering) thing to do would have been to stick to the agreed plan and organise a trip to do the other activity another time. That would have been a win-win, everyone getting to do what they wanted. Instead, you scrapped it and did what your son wanted instead. Going NC is ridiculous btw.