Big argument with sister over DS

[GeordieInSunderland]

Sister and I have children very close in age. Our DS’s are 9, my DD is 6 and her DD is 7.

Every summer holidays we meet up weekly for a big day out. At the start of this holiday sister sent me a list of day out ideas. I replied “I’ll show DS and see what he thinks ☺️”. This one sentance was a huge mistake, taken way out of context and set the tone basically for the following weeks. She replied “Well last time I checked we had 4 kids between us, not just DS”. I responded saying I didn’t mean it like that! Just that I’d show him the list and get his thoughts.

Anyway, most weeks have gone well but last week we had arranged a day out to cinema and bowling however DS saw something different advertised and said he’d like to do that instead. I messaged sister and said “Do you mind if we change plans for tomorrow? There is something on in town I think they’d all like”. She replied “DS would like you mean? Well no sorry, sticking to plans already made”. Fair enough. She took her kids on planned day, I took mine to alternate activity.

Sister is now saying that DD was upset and told her she had been really upset at missing the day with her cousin and having to go to DS’s boring thing. I don’t believe DD said this as she appeared to enjoy it. Sister then asked DD if she wanted to go to Alton towers with her and her kids. I said no as DS doesn’t like theme parks and she snapped “I’m not asking him! I’m asking her! It’s not all about him!” DS was in ear shot and ended up crying. I’m fuming and have said we’ll just do our own thing for the remainder of the holidays. It has proper blown up where she has basically accused me of neglect.

AIBU to go NC for the remainder of the holidays?

Why didn’t your sister want to change plans? Was it because her DD really wanted to stick to them, or was she just being awkward?

Since you're sisters and your kids are cousins, you could just ask what her DD would like to do, then all go along with that. If possible, suggest another day for DS to do what he wants.

It sounds like your sister might be overreacting a little. Maybe just offer an olive branch by going along with her DD’s choice this time. Hopefully you’ll both make up soon.

It’s really obvious when one child is prioritised and parents can be completely blind to it. Your sister has done you a favour.

This. It must be a reverse. If it isn’t, look at the threads on here talking about a golden child, and get your DD in therapy ASAP as she’s going to need it,

This. It must be a reverse. If it isn’t, look at the threads on here talking about a golden child, and get your DD in therapy ASAP as she’s going to need it,

Why should she change plans? OP was the one being awkward, asking to change the plans.

I had a friend like you once.

Note the “had”.

We’d arrange to meet at X place at Y time.

10 minutes after she should be there she’d text and say her girls wanted to do something else so do we want to meet them there? I’d usually decline. However when she first did it she’d text an hour before and I’d drop everything and go along with the plans her DDs dictated wanted.

The irony is she ended the friendship in the end saying I was inflexible and I should t allow ds to dictate activities and I should tell him the changes last minute 🤷‍♀️ 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

I never told ds of the suggestion to pack up and go elsewhere because I wasn’t willing to do it.

Ohs honestly not had a negative effect on our lives as although I enjoyed her company I didn’t realise how stressful having plans with her were until that stress disappeared!

I dunno if it was my sister and she suggested changing and the kids were okay with it, I don't think I'd mind changing.
All OP did was ask, and sister could have said No, not this time DD really wants to do this, how about next time?
It seems blown out of all proportion.

I’m another who is getting serious “Golden Child” vibes from you, @GeordieInSunderland - until you mentioned your daughter, I too imagined you only had one child, a son. Are there any particular reasons you think he needs to be asked what he might want to do, but your daughter doesn’t have the same option?

The sister did say no her kids wanted to do the original plan and they did do the original plan.

The sisters point is OPs DD said she was unhappy they’d changed plans and she didn’t do the original plan with her cousins.

It does sound weird that you wrote that you would check the list with just one child when you have two, and that you would also automatically tell your other child no to a day out with another group just because he doesn't like it.

Why would you do that? I just don't get why that would be your dynamic? Not good for either of them.

The first thing that stood out to me was all you seem to care about is your son. I hate theme parks I hate rides but did I stop my sibling from going and enjoying them? No. Your sister is right and also why are you fully discussing it with a child. He is a child. You discuss it with adults and then you tell and talk to the children and also I wouldn’t change a days plan just because my spoilt child said he’d rather do something else. Let your daughter go out with her auntie and let your son lap up all your snotty attention on the days that are only ok for him. Stop letting your daughter miss out just because your spoilt child doesn’t like things

Maybe she'll come back and say it's a reverse. I always wonder about that; when the OP gets her ass handed to her, do they sometimes lie and say it's a reverse to save face?

But that's essentially what happened. And the sister is right, OP is only concerned about her son's enjoyment. She clearly favors him, and the sister was right to say so.

Absolutely. I have 2, a 7 year old boy who's obsessed with gaming legos and Minecraft and a daughter who loves princessy stuff, animals and babies etc! I took them to Birmingham and we did the Lego centre in the morning, then sealife in the afternoon. They both enjoyed both places and had a great day, but I'd picked 2 things for each of their interests. It's not hard to be considerate for both your children

"She took her kids on planned day, I took mine to alternate activity.
Sister is now saying that DD was upset and told her she had been really upset at missing the day with her cousin and having to go to DS’s boring thing."

This DS/DD thing gets v tiresome.

I'm confused as to whether it was OP's son who wanted to do the boring thing, or her nephew. And whether it was OP's DD who was upset at doing the boring thing, or her niece.

No matter, we've all been NC'd! Problem solved.

Wheres your DD in all this - why does your DS get to choose and no one else is considered?

"I messaged my sister and said, “Do you mind if we change plans for tomorrow? There is something on in town I think they’d all like.”
She replied, “DS would like, you mean? Well, no sorry — sticking to plans already made.”"

Sister comes off as passive aggressive to me. 👯

I agree with this.

I don't see the point in posting reverse, so much so I think people say it is just cos they dont like that everyone disagreed with them

All OP did was ask….

I her the impression it wasn’t the first time!!

Im the second child and I vividly remember he older child getting everything they wanted, we even had ‘joint’ gifts which she wanted …. it’s really does knock your confidence and decision making.

Suggesting NC sounds like you want to do what DS wants in peace.
It also sounds like your sister was not inviting YOU or DS to Alton Towers!

Does your sister normally arrange to take one of your children out?

Should be a list of choices where all the kids get to choose an activity. Sounds like you're both BU.

Sister then asked DD if she wanted to go to Alton towers with her and her kids. I said no as DS doesn’t like theme parks and she snapped “I’m not asking him! I’m asking her!

This paragraph alone shows you prioritise your DS over your DD when it comes to days out.

Thank your DSis, take her up on her offer, and send your DD with some spending money.

Maybe you could spend the day doing something with your DS of his choosing then you'll all enjoy what you're chosen to do.

Sister is now saying that DD was upset and told her she had been really upset at missing the day with her cousin and having to go to DS’s boring thing. I don’t believe DD said this as she appeared to enjoy it. Sister then asked DD if she wanted to go to Alton towers with her and her kids. I said no as DS doesn’t like theme parks and she snapped “I’m not asking him! I’m asking her! It’s not all about him!” DS was in ear shot and ended up crying. I’m fuming and have said we’ll just do our own thing for the remainder of the holidays. It has proper blown up where she has basically accused me of neglect.
AIBU to go NC for the remainder of the holidays?

Yes you are not only being unreasonable, but you are blind to what your sister is seeing - you are constantly prioritising your ds and your dd gets to shut up and tag along regardless - and you don't see it, won't accept it is happening.

Thank goodness for aunty on dd side

Hopefully you can read these messages and just take on what the message is from 95% of the people replying.

Eat some humble pie, its not easy and say sorry to your sister and thank her for bring this to your attention.

Sounds like your sister tried to subtly raise it with you and you didn't beleiv her - hopefully you will now

Why can't your DD go to Alton Towers with her auntie is DS doesn't like theme parks. Why so your kids always have to do everything together? Why is DSs preference more important than other children's?