DS went through DH phone. DH blames me

[Evkopk]

My sister’s phone had died and she needed to check her emails so asked to use mine. I was using mine so I unlocked my husband’s phone for her. My DH came downstairs and saw DS scrolling through his photos and ripped the phone from her hand.
He has since refused to talk to me and has deleted and blocked me from his phone, including the family groups.
Ive apologised but he doesn’t want to hear it. I am being unreasonable to think he should get over it? It’s been 2 weeks where he has refused to speak to me, nor can I contact him via his phone.

Why did she think it was OK to snoop through his photos?

You can have that stance on your phone but not somebody else’s.

To me a phone is just a phone and it's not a gross invasion of privacy to use someone else's. However I wouldn't be happy if someone asked to use my phone to access emails and then started scrolling through my photos.

And you'd be handing over your phone not someone else's?

Have you apologised properly? I mean actually admitted it was a bad decision on your part to give the phone to your sister, you understand why he is upset and you will never access his phone unless absolutely necessary.

or have you apologised in a "well, I'm sorry, but she wanted to send an email and I thought it was no big deal, so just get over it" sort of way (which is what your OP suggests.

You say you have apologised but have you really? Because even this thread is you saying he is "blaming". Of course hes blaming you. It was outrageous. And if it was me, and I gave my sister the phone for what was a genuine reason, I would be LIVID with her if she then started scrolling through dh's pictures. So it wouldn't surprise me if he's angry not juat that you did it, but that your apology is half heated st best and tou clearly dont think your sister did anything wrong.

So 2 weeks sulking is ridiculous but as you clearly cant resolve this as you won't take responsibility, I honestly see his point.

By logging into something like Gmail on a browser

Oh hold I thought sister used the phone emails then your son was looking at it?

Your husband’s overreaction makes me suspect something but you and your sister were massively out of line.

Also the fact OP has vanished makes me go: hmmmm

Maybe he's not sulking. Maybe he's had enough and he's getting his ducks in a row. Sometimes people go quiet when their mind is made up and there's nothing more to say.

Maybe he is so disgusted that he can't even stand to look at you, let alone talk to you. There is much more to this than OP is suggesting. No-one gives someone else permission to snoop on another person's phone without there being more to it.

Complete overreaction from him but you were very unreasonable to offer up his phone without asking him. As you well know phones aren’t just phones, they have loads of information on them and what if he’d just been Google searching erectile dysfunction or Botox or anything he wasn’t ready to share with his SIL?

I take photos of some of my moles every so often and add them to an album to track changes. I would want people coming across them. Equally I know some people photograph themselves naked or semi naked in front of a full length mirror in unflattering honesty as part of their weight loss journey. She’s a nosey cow and you were cavalier

I don't even know my husband's phone code now I think of it, nor he mine.

There is zero need, is there?

I would absolutely raging.

I would 100% stop talking to your sister and I would struggle to forgive you too.

All you can do is apologise and promise to never go on his phone or let anyone go on his phone again.

Your sister sounds awful.

You don't just offer up someone else's phone. I have absolutely nothing of interest on my phone. It's a wasteland of silly memes shared with friends and thousands of photos of my kids but it's mine, it's private and I would be furious if my husband offered it to someone else to use. Maybe his reaction does indicate that he has something to hide but I can understand him being so angry.

You could have let her use your phone and you use your husband's phone if you both had such urgent need. You showed no respect for his privacy and now you think he should just get over it. I'd view it as a serious breach of trust, compounded by your determination to minimise it.

Your post is really baffling - why didn’t you give your sister your phone? Why your DH’s?

Has he been wandering about the house refusing to talk to you while you try to phone him?

And finally, why have you (and your sister) not apologised? Even if he won’t talk to you, you could write.

Why was your Sister going through his photos if she was meant to be checking her emails? Has she apologised for taking such an unforgivable liberty? Do your family know the meaning of boundaries?

Seems like a ploy to go through his phone while he was upstairs.
Weird to go through his photos. Why couldn't she put her phone on charge then check her emails. They couldn't have been very important. If they were, she would have made sure it was charged.

Do you suspect him of cheating?

Why was she going through his phone? Yabu. Has she even bothered to apologise? Why couldnt she just charge her own phone?
i would be livid if i was your partner i dont blame him at all.

Has your sister apologised? Have you? What was she playing at going through his photos and phone? I’d be livid.

His reaction of silent treatment isn’t ok. He needs to make a decision about whether he can forgive and move on or if this is the end for him. It’s a huge invasion of his privacy and how dare you even hand his phone over like that without permission.

I’d have to write him a note and leave it on his bed telling him that silent treatment is abuse and you will not live like that so he can either speak to you or leave. Write that you know you and your sister were wrong and that you’re sorry and say he is absolutely entitled to be angry about what happened but that he needs to work through that anger and speak to you to try and move forward or he needs to end the marriage.

^ This.

Phones may be private, but two weeks of silent treatment and blocking your own partner is a very extreme and unnecessary reaction.

Being pissed off then fair enough. I'd be a bit annoyed at someone lending my things without asking.

But... what is on the phone he was worried she might see? No one reacts like that if they're innocent!

Sending nude photos to someone? An affair?

Why would you think it's okay to lend someone else's phone to your sister? Why does she think it acceptable to scroll through someone else's photos? You are very unreasonable.

Sorry you’re in this position, OP, but it sounds to me like your marriage may be ending.

It made no sense to give your sister your H’s phone for her to check emails. She could just have charged her own phone. And in any case, you should have given her your phone for this.

It made no sense for your sister to start going through your husband’s phone.

I’m not surprised your husband was annoyed but you can’t have a marriage where one partner does not speak to the other for 2 weeks and blocks you on family chats. That is abusive.

I agree with PPs - it sounds like you wanted to snoop on your husband’s phone and your sister knew how best to do this. Your husband’s reaction suggests to me that this is about more than just his privacy and that there was perhaps something to find. In any case, it is abusive and the current position cannot continue.

Me and DH give DD our phones. What the hell has everyone got on their phones?!
I couldn’t care less who uses mine, I gave it to the store assistant on pets at home the other week. She set up the app for me, password and all 🫣

There is nothing of any interest on my phone or in my handbag but no one ever goes though either of them without my express permission. If OP comes back I can’t wait for the mega drip feed to justify this.

Why did she think it was ok to go through his photos? Maybe he would have been ok if he saw her in her emails but to see someone scrolling through his personal photos is not ok. Everyone knows the rule, if someone shows you a photo, you don't swipe left or right at any others (or am I still living a decade behind everyone else 😅) no, she had absolutely no right to be in his personal photos. I know I have loads of random shit on my phone that would look ridiculous to a stranger. What if he'd been having erection issues and had screenshots of different things he wants to look further into, or had seen/heard about something and had a Google and to someone else, it would look dodgy, etc.
Sounds like a set up between yous to snoop. The silent treatment is awful but it sounds like you don't see how relevant it is that she was in his photos when she was meant to be checking her 'very urgent, must check now' email.

You gave your sister your husband's phone and then she started scrolling through his pictures? What the fuck? You are absolutely at fault (and she is too!) obviously he shouldn't be ignoring you but that's such a violating thing you both did he's within his rights to be furious.