DS went through DH phone. DH blames me

[Evkopk]

My sister’s phone had died and she needed to check her emails so asked to use mine. I was using mine so I unlocked my husband’s phone for her. My DH came downstairs and saw DS scrolling through his photos and ripped the phone from her hand.
He has since refused to talk to me and has deleted and blocked me from his phone, including the family groups.
Ive apologised but he doesn’t want to hear it. I am being unreasonable to think he should get over it? It’s been 2 weeks where he has refused to speak to me, nor can I contact him via his phone.

I can understand why he was angry and you need to acknowledge that and apologise to him. You made a mistake; this was not acceptable. But then it's time to move on.

What a massive overreaction for him to ignore you for 2 weeks. Does he have form for this?

Your sister and you must be closer than you and him as a couple. That was overstepping the mark into his privacy from your family side. His phone is not for gossip, chat or a laugh. Stop belittling him.

As I said, crazy responses. Borderline abusive? Behave. An error of judgement, yes. Purposely not speaking to someone for two weeks goes over the borderline. That is abusive. Normal people have a conversation, explain why that was unacceptable and move on. If it’s something you can’t move on from you go to counselling or end the marriage. You don’t give someone the silent treatment for two weeks. It’s childish at best and mentally abusive at worst. Emotionally mature people don’t behave like that. It’s ok to be angry and disappointed, but that is purposeful behaviour to not speak to someone. I can’t believe people think this is ok. I don’t know what kind of relationships some of you must have.

You should have asked her to wait until you were done and then given her your phone. Like you my DH and I have full access to both our phones but there is no way I would have given his to anyone else to use. I’m not surprised he’s angry, however, I do think he’s taken it way too far now. Blocking you is totally OTT and not speaking for even a day very immature.

And you don't refuse to apologise or accept responsibility for an 'error of judgement' either.

Two weeks seems a huge amount for time, yes, but what has the OP done in that time to acknowledge the betrayal and broken trust or put it right?

Nothing.

If this had happened the other way round, people wouldn't be describing it as an 'error of judgement' on his part. It would be described as a betrayal and a lack of resepct - a huge red flag - and the onus would be on him to apologise and make amends. Many people would have told her to LTB.

If she was "checking her emails" then why was she in his photos????

He is annoyed as you are lacking any empathy and taking no responsibility for your action

So...wife has husband's password, opens phone and hands it over, rather than hers. - hmmm.
Sister has urgent need to check emails yet has let her battery go flat, there's apparently no charger available in the house, and she then proceeds to search for the photo gallery and scroll through his photos - hmmmm.
Husband, despite having given wife his password, so presumably nothing to hide, has blocked her from everything and not spoken to her for 2 weeks. Hmmm.
There's a whiff of all round ridiculous BS here. Either the whole thing is complete BS or all 3 have mental, character or IQ deficiencies.
I'd go for BS.

Because he doesn't expect you to actually look. Or look properly, obviously 🙄

I don't think the problem is what my photos say about me, it's what snooping through the photos says about someone I know.

The worst thing in my camera roll is a topless and not especially revealing photo I sent my GP a few months ago. It's not an especially embarrassing health condition either. I don't really mind if anyone accidentally sees it.

But I don't want to have people in my life who actively go and snoop through my private photos because that means I can't trust them, and I'd have to do some thinking about my level of contact with them and how guarded I have to be around them.

I'd be livid, especially if you didn't seem to appreciate what an invasion it is. It's the modern equivalent of reading someone's diary. I don't buy the 'he must be hiding something' crowd. It's entirely fair to regard this as a very bad trespass whether he has something to hide or not. If he's still not talking after two weeks... have you really shown you get why he has a right to be p off?

But I don't want to have people in my life who actively go and snoop through my private photos because that means I can't trust them, and I'd have to do some thinking about my level of contact with them and how guarded I have to be around them.

Exactly.

He’s blaming you as it is your fault!

You were very unreasonable to give her access to his phone. And scrolling through his photos/ allowing DSis to do so, was a gross invasion of privacy.

The silent treatment is never reasonable in my book, beyond the initial shock of discovery. If he wants to break up with you he should just do it!

Kindly, OP, this.

What you did was NOT OK, it certainly crossed a boundary. So did your sister! What is the bigger picture here? Was this the final straw, he’s at his wits end and he’s now contemplating divorce?

Fine, he’s taken steps to block you and protect his privacy, however, the silent treatment, stonewalling, and for this long, is also not OK. Does he have other controlling, abusive, tendencies?

Have you genuinely apologised? Has your sister?

The whole family dynamic feels disrespectful and childish in all honesty.

Good luck.

Also this! Why not give her a bloody charger! Could the emails not wait?!

The silent treatment is never reasonable in my book, beyond the initial shock of discovery.

I suspect it began as a withdrawal from the shock and need to process his feelings.

The problem is that when the person who has broken the trust/caused the betrayal doesn't acknowledge that, apologise or make an effort to repair things, the hurt person can become 'stuck'. We know this and it applies to men as much as women.

They are married not dating and it's easy to say he should just end the relationship but how many women post on here asking if this awful one off incident is 'bad enough' to end a marriage. Men feel similarly.

I'd imagine it's very hard to end a marriage because someone looked through the innocent photos on your phone. But the betrayal is huge. It takes time to process that and understand your own feelings.

He probably didn't expect it to go on for this long either. He probably assumed his wife would accept responsibility, apologise and they could work towards rebuilding the trust.

But that didn't happen. He probably doesn't know what to do next. In this situation, it's actually the OP who had all the power. Not him.

Maybe he’s still giving you the silent treatment because you’re not sorry about what you or your sister did?

The silent treatment isn’t the right solution to this but you’re acting like he is unreasonable to be unhappy about what you and your sister did. If you want to move past things then start with an apology and get your sister to apologise too. You were both very wrong.

Why wouldn’t you offer a charger or quickly finish what you were doing on your device if you really couldn’t stop doing what you were doing on it?

🙄
Baffling that I should ever think about unlocking my husband's phone for someone else.

Yes but you are talking about your phone with knowledge and permission.
I have nothing to hide but would still expect to be asked, even by close family members.
To walk in and see DSIL or similar going through my photos would massively piss me off! If my DH had handed it over, I would be pissed off with him!
I do think there's more to it, the reason for giving DH's phone does not add up, especially when Dsis was not using it as was supposed to.

nonsense

if my husband gave my phone to his brother, and let his brother or his best mate scroll through my PRIVATE photos, that would be abusive.

Not just rude, not just disrespectful, but 100% abusive.

Normal people have a conversation, explain why that was unacceptable and move on.
no, no adult needs a conversation to be told it's unacceptable. My children know it's unacceptable already.

You don’t give someone the silent treatment for two weeks.
Better be quiet for 2 weeks and calm down than telling her exactly what he thinks. I wouldn't even sleep in the same room as my husband if he pulled a stunt like that.

It's a rule that you don't look at people's photos. If someone shows you one photo, you do not scroll and look at other photos. Even a Primary child knows that.

I am not secretive, I am PRIVATE. It's simply none of your business or anyone else's business what's on my phone.

I also have all the photos my friends whatsapp me, and that's private too.

Nothing on my phone could be used against me in a court of law, I have nothing to hide as such, but if wanted to share, I would have had. If it keep it to myself or a chosen few, it's my decision.

Deborah, you're one of several to have taken my comment as a criticism, responding defensively. All I said is that people vary and I am not like you.

We are allowed to have boundaries in different places.

I don’t agree with you. Why do you see me as defensive, rather than yourself?

We are allowed to have boundaries in different places.
Of course — but the responsibility is to respect those boundaries until told otherwise, not the other way around.
It’s simple: you should assume that people’s private documents, phone, diary, etc., are off-limits unless you’re explicitly invited or told they’re available to look through.

No one assumes that others are happy to share their personal things until told otherwise. There’s no argument here — no one would casually grab their boss’s phone, or their doctor’s phone, and start scrolling through their photos.

No, I agree. I'm also saying I wouldn't be upset about this. And I think OP's husband is right out of order to make such a big deal of it

OP why didn’t you take the phone back when you saw she wasn’t sending an email? Clearly you wanted her to have a nose around and used this ridiculous excuse.

If I was in your Hs shoes and I hadn’t had a sincere and genuine apology I would also still be stewing after two weeks. I hope he’s changed his passcodes too and hasn’t told you. I guess you can still contact him on his work phone.

He's doing something for himself far more than he's doing something to her. He needs to establish and keep his distance from someone who, as it stands, he can't trust and who has little respect for him. It's up to her to fix it and show him she knows she crossed a line and she will be mindful of his privacy in future.