DS went through DH phone. DH blames me

[Evkopk]

My sister’s phone had died and she needed to check her emails so asked to use mine. I was using mine so I unlocked my husband’s phone for her. My DH came downstairs and saw DS scrolling through his photos and ripped the phone from her hand.
He has since refused to talk to me and has deleted and blocked me from his phone, including the family groups.
Ive apologised but he doesn’t want to hear it. I am being unreasonable to think he should get over it? It’s been 2 weeks where he has refused to speak to me, nor can I contact him via his phone.

I think you were highly unreasonable to provide access to his phone without his permission. Obviously as a spouse you've agreed a level of trust involving passwords, but you've actually breached that trust by inviting a third party in on that. The fact she was in his photos and not on her emails proves you were incorrect to trust her with it. Your dh deserves to be able to choose who he shares his personal information with - he chose you not your sister and I'm sure it feels violating. So I can understand him having a reaction to it. You should have given her your phone or no phone.

However, two weeks is a very long time and blocking you out of family WhatsApp groups is not a proportional reaction and I agree with others I would actually be questioning why he's reacted SO strongly.

Did you sister have suspicions about him that prompted her to search? Do you have suspicions about his behaviour outside of this? I think you need to sit him down and talk about this and acknowledge your part in this and then move forwards. He can't continue to ice you out without seeking a resolution if he wants a healthy marriage.

Is this a reverse or something? Cause it’s a logical question to see whether the resulting behaviour is appropriate.

Thank you for putting into words exactly what I think!

Silent treatment is totally cruel and abusive. If you have genuinely apologised for being thoughtless and showed that you understand his feelings on the matter, then that should be the end of the matter. I would not tolerate someone who uses silence as a weapon. His behaviour will continue unless dealt with assertively. Two weeks of silent treatment is appalling behaviour and shows that in my opinion he does not care about you.

The silent treatment is emotionally abusive.

You’re totally right, of course.

I can remember a time when it would have freaked me out. But it wouldn’t now cos o know it’s just photos of my DD.

You’re all correct that it’s weird, not on, an invasion of privacy. But I just can’t imagine getting that irate over it unless I had something to hide.

I very much doubt he's anything to hide.

You did wrong by even thinking of handing over his phone to your DSis and your DSis far to rude and nosey.

To some it may only be a phone but to your DH it's a personal belonging and TBF I'd be furious if anyone was scrolling through mine without my knowledge, nothing to hide here either.

It's probably more the fact that it's your DH phone and not for you to hand over to anyone, the snatching of it was probably more a 'FFS that's my private property, can't I have anything private' moment.

Two weeks silence, granted is a long time but I do wonder if it was also a straw that broke the camels back moment, if your happy to hand over such a personal item as his phone she's a CFer to nose through it what else have you and your DSis done to piss him off.

There are some mad responses here. Stonewalling for two weeks is as toxic as it gets. Does he have form for this?

Why are you ignoring the fact that a) you shouldn’t give someone’s personal device unlocked to someone without their permission. B) refusing to answer whether you apologised C) why the hell your sister did that?!

You mean, Does his wife have form for showing such a behaviour , breach of trust and no respect of him or his privacy?
It's borderline abusive behaviour from her.

Agree, 100% this..

But hey, let's turn it round on OP's DH, make him the bad person, who incidentally wouldn't have even been put in this position if his DW hadn't of overstep the mark and let her DSis invade his privacy.

Are you ok? Why would you give your sister your husband's phone???? Weird

Your sister is totally wrong to snoop tho dh phone

you were wrong to give her his phone

to use email. Either the new account r gmail hotmail etc would need to be downloaded or if same server then would need to sign out of his to sign into hers

so a lot of hassle

why was this email so important she needed to do it there and then and not wait for phone to charge or you to get off your phone

I’m not surprised he’s pissed off tbh

I want to know if the level of silent treatment is acceptable. I don’t think it is and I just want to tell him to get over it.

The silent treatment isn’t great no.

But neither is your attitude that he should just ‘get over it’. Quite shocking really.

You AND your sister committed a wildly inappropriate and disrespectful invasion of privacy and trashed the trust.

Seriously, he might be not trusting himself to speak while he decides how secure his relationship is. You trampled on him! You don’t seem to appreciate this.

He’s being a dick by sulking all this time and I wouldn’t tolerate that. I’d tell him to snap out of it or fuck off.

However what the fuck were you playing at? How dare you hand his phone over to someone else? Would it have killed you to either let your sister use yours for a cojone of minutes or let her charge hers up? You sound a right pair as well

Also sometimes you can have photos you don’t want anyone to see, not because you’re doing anything wrong but they’re still not for prying eyes. For example I had a boil under my boob last week and took a photo to get a decent look at it, would I fuck want family members scrolling through that!

Why on earth did you give your husbands phone to somebody else? That is tantamount to raping his privacy. This would be a major ick for me.

You're right, but I've come to the conclusion there's just a massive values difference here. I'm an open book - which isn't to say I go around giving my passwords and medical history to random strangers 😂 I wouldn't be overly concerned if my brother in law rummaged through my handbag or my phone.

There might well be a couple of things in there that I'd find mildly embarrassing, but no Big Secrets. If he chose to make a song and dance about any of it, I'd consider him a giant arsehole and would tell him off for bad manners. But I think we're all old enough now to understand everyone's life has a few awkward bits.

To me, the only reason to hide your self from family members is that you've got 'something to hide', not in a good way. I've got the message that more people than I thought are secretive. I still don't understand it, though!

Seriously you’re using the word raping omg come on she might have broke his privacy but using that word is an absolute disgrace to what it really means. Very bad choice of word.

Well not necessarily. As well as afore mentioned boob photo I have a selection of photos of me in fitted clothes, on scales showing my weight, of my mounjaro box as I was ordering a prescription. I don’t want other people seeing those without consent

To say he's not hiding anything is so not the point! His reaction does seem extreme - blocking you from family groups? Two weeks? Are you sure theres no history to this, no background? But I can understand him not liking it, especially as she was looking at his photos. I'd apologise and promise not to do it again. If that doesn't help, you have a more serious problem in your relationship.

Yeah, see, that's the difference. I'd tell someone I was on Mounjaro if they asked (and if I was, obvs) so no biggie if they found out by themselves. I have some utterly hideous photos of a mole I'm watching, which is placed where I have to hoik a roll of fat out of the way to get a picture. But I'm not pretending to myself or anyone else that I'm a sylph-like figure of perfection so, again, no surprise that my mole pictures show a lump of fat and some moles!

You should see my "How bad does my skin really look when I wake up?" selfies 😂

edited to tag @DramaLlamacchiato

I agree that if you know the passcode it is unlikely to be that he is hiding something.

The silent treatment is reasonable until you have apologised properly and recognised the magnitude of what you did. You completely violated his trust in you (he gave you total access to his private stuff). Have you apologised properly, unreservedly now? You need to do that.

…given your posts I’d bet money that you have not properly apologised.

but just because you aren’t bothered doesn’t mean other people are up to no good just because they want to keep these things more private

Yes, I've acknowledged that.

Did you hand over DH's bank statements & medical records too, OP? Might as well have done.. no wonder he's angry.