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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not fight for custody

232 replies

Franklekirk · 23/08/2025 22:42

I’m in a really awful situation. Very outing but my 11 year old son came home on Sunday and told me he wants to move in with his dad. We split up 3 years ago and son has been with me since, sees his dad every other weekend and half the holidays.

son found the divorce very difficult to accept and has had counselling at primary school. We’re very close. dad wanted him to live with him, I’ve always said sons choice.

dad is very manipulative/ narcissistic. Over the years him and his mum have constantly bad mouthed me to my son, which he has found very upsetting. All sorts but things like calling me a “fucking fat pig”, making up all sorts of reasons he divorced me (I eventually kicked him out after numerous affairs), and telling me son they’d call social services on me but I’d lie to the social worker (I’ve said I’d welcome this as there is nothing to report).

however he’s obviously had a nice couple of weeks there with 1 week abroad. He’s told me he wants to move there for the start of secondary. Problem is this is 2 hours away so would mean moving to a school he’s not looked around (but his cousins go there).

my sons been sold a lifestyle, such as being told maintenance should go to the child so he can have a football season ticket etc whereas we don’t have spare finances (I do work full time in a well paid job but have a very expensive mortgage im
tied into which is another story of ex….).

as well as the huge financial implication on me, but this doesn’t effect the decision as that’s my issue not his.

I obviously want to fight to keep him but I don’t think it’s the right decision as legally his dad can keep him as we have no custody agreement, my son wants to go and at 11 gets a say. Yes ex is a prick but my son still has contact with him and will actually be nicer to him if hes “won”.

im arranging mediation to give my son someone impartial to speak to but we only have 1.5 weeks until he starts secondary and would starting here as planned and moving a couple of months later impact him
negatively?

Everyone says I should fight but I think I should listen to my son. Please help, I’m lost

OP posts:

Thisisntme1 · 23/08/2025 22:45

I think I’d fight for my son in this case

Laura95167 · 23/08/2025 22:48

Id let son choose. Sometimes being a good parent is about doing whats best for them, and best is sometimes figuring it out themselves.

Id just make it ridiculously clear to DS hes always, always, always welcome to come home

Original poster

Franklekirk · 23/08/2025 22:48

Thisisntme1 · 23/08/2025 22:45

I think I’d fight for my son in this case

This was obviously my first instinct, but why?

OP posts:

BabyCatFace · 23/08/2025 22:49

Well obviously he can't move now, he won't have a school to start at. So you can tell him that he needs to stay with you for at least a term and give the new school a chance. If he stlll wants to move in with dad you'll find him a school near dad and he can move once he has a place. He may love the school and forget about the wish to live with dad. Or he won't, and you can do it in a planned way.

Original poster

Franklekirk · 23/08/2025 22:50

@Laura95167 i have made it very clear

OP posts:

abracadabra1980 · 23/08/2025 22:50

I’d fight for my son too; at 11 he’s not emotionally well equipped enough to know what he’s choosing. Also his dad sounds like an immature prick, so I’d want emotional stability for my child.

JLou08 · 23/08/2025 22:50

I'd be saying he needs to start secondary school, do the mediation and then see how he feels in a few months and then you will talk to him about the decision. This is too big of a decision for an 11yo to make alone, his views are important but he needs time to consider what he wants rather than an impulsive decision.

Laura95167 · 23/08/2025 22:52

Franklekirk · 23/08/2025 22:50

@Laura95167 i have made it very clear

Sounds like youre being a great mum, ive no doubt this is hard for you. Hes very lucky

Original poster

Franklekirk · 23/08/2025 22:52

@BabyCatFace that has been my stance so far. Although I’m yet to have any contact from dad. But as we have no custody agreement I don’t think I can make him return him. I’ve been told by son that they’ve already contacted schools but I don’t think it’ll be possible for day 1? He obviously is registered at a school here, uniform purchased etc

OP posts:

allgrownupnow · 23/08/2025 22:57

It’s not fair on him to let him make such a big decision so abruptly. Keep the conversation going with him, his wishes are considered but grown ups make the decisions.
play for time, do meditation etc and yes, apply for custody

MeganM3 · 23/08/2025 23:03

He gets a say, of course, but he shouldn’t get to make such an enormous decision in such a short space of time.

I think he would actually want you to fight for him. Sounds like manipulative ex is playing some sort of game and DS is getting stuck in the middle of it. What happens when his education is disrupted in a years time when ex gets over the novelty of having DS with him and wants whatever new shiny thing he is currently in to and your son gets cast aside and his schooling disrupted. I’m not saying he shouldn’t go with his dad but at least show that you want him.

MatLeave · 23/08/2025 23:06

I think you and your sons Dad need to meet without him present to discuss what's best.

MySweetGeorgina · 23/08/2025 23:10

I think it is good for your son to know you fought to keep him, that you wanted him, and that is why I would fight, whatever the outcome, for the long term importance and your future relationship with him

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/08/2025 23:16

Your ex and his MIL sound horrible and manipulative. They are bribing your son and lying to him. Once they've "won" will they be quite as nice as they are being to him now? It sounds like they want to get back at you.

Fight for him, because you don't want him to turn out like them.

B0D · 23/08/2025 23:17

Aim for changing schools at half term after he has had mediation. He can always come back home to you at a later snug I think it’s also important he learns he can’t change everything around in a week jyst because he’s made a decision

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/08/2025 23:19

Hi there,
absolutely not. You haven’t even seen your son in person to discuss this. He maybe being guilt tripped into agreeing how can you just let him go.
say whatever you can do your ex to get him home, eg ‘I’ll consider this proposal, I’d like to talk to son about this, can you drive him down this weekend and I’ll discuss with him then?’ Or you might even need to drive there and just show up and say you want to take son out for lunch to have a chat about it all. Get him back into your ‘possession’ so the status quo doesn’t become hmm ‘living’ at dads. Your son maybe too scared of upsetting his dad and risking being cut off or stone walled by him to risk upsetting him by saying no. You can’t let that happen to him.

then say to ex ‘I’m open to giving careful consideration to your views but neither of us can make a unilateral deduction to chance his school as we both have parental responsibility, the proper way to go about this is to try to agree among ourselves, then go to mediation if we can’t agree. Please can you explain why you think it’s in his best interest to move home and community and lose his friends and his stable home here and change school so suddenly?’
let you ex put his points in writing.
then write m to your LA and the intended secondary explaining the situation and saying you don’t consent for his place to be withdrawn. Then contact the secondary school admissions in the council where dad lives and explain the situation, that your son has a school place and that you don’t consent to an application being made.

when you son is home, really really listen to him and what he wants and what he’s worried about. Does he just want to please his dad? Is it about the football? Is there a scary bully going to your secondary school that he wants to escape? Do you have a new boyfriend that he hates? Listen listen to find out what’s going on for him.

Izzywizzy85 · 23/08/2025 23:20

Sorry, you’d be mad to let him go. He is ELEVEN years old. No way near emotionally mature enough to understand what he’s doing. You’ll let him be exposed to your ex husbands narcissism and abusive ways-sounds like he’ll try and turn him against you. As his mother, it’s your job to make decisions for him which are in his best interests.
Over my dead body would he go.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/08/2025 23:22

Sorry just seen son is with you, thank goodness.
so now my advice is to say to son, ‘that’s a big decision and not one to rush just because of year 7 start date, it’s possible to move in year 8 or 9 or mid year if you really want to but let’s not rush. Let’s start and we’ll also start talking to your dad through mediation about this’

rhat your ex has involved your son so much in financial chat is highly inappropriate too and he needs to be told this and told to stop

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/08/2025 23:24

I would also allow son to go to the open days at dads local schools this autumn term with a view to maybe going in year 8, go with him too, this shows you’re listening and taking the request seriously but also ensures your son is making an informed choice. It might be an incredible school with amazing facilities and worth considering, it might also be a scary dump that makes your son drop the idea! But at the moment he doesn’t know where he’s applying to and he needs to be reminded of that

WhiteDiamonds · 23/08/2025 23:28

Izzywizzy85 · 23/08/2025 23:20

I agree with this. There’s no way I’d be passive and allowing an 11 year old to be coerced into making decisions. Listen to people who know you personally. From what you’ve said I’d be fighting to ensure my child was safe, which he clearly isn’t with a narcissist. You’re the parent OP, parent him and stop being a pushover.

littleorangefox · 23/08/2025 23:32

I would fight for him rather than run the risk of him turning out like them. They sound extremely manipulative and like they don't have his best interests at heart at all. It's like they just want to use him to get to you or feel like they've won something.

Also, your ex and his wife sound like the type of people to say things like, "See, your mum didn't even bother fighting for you." to turn your son even further against you and make it look like you don't care about him.

Original poster

Franklekirk · 23/08/2025 23:47

Thank you everyone for your opinions. I do see where you’re all coming from but I really don’t see how I can just keep him, we have no legal custody agreement. What do I do if he doesn’t bring him back?

and also why is the mum seen as default parent? He has as many rights as me

OP posts:

BunnyVV · 24/08/2025 00:02

Whatever you do your narcissistic ex will turn it against you. If you fight, he’ll manipulate it. If you don’t fight, he’ll tell your son you don’t care. You won’t win.
your son is being sold a life he wants (football season ticket). You’re not going to “win”.

Izzywizzy85 · 24/08/2025 00:09

Franklekirk · 23/08/2025 23:47

and also why is the mum seen as default parent? He has as many rights as me

Wow. I actually can’t believe how passive you are being. I would be worried sick. I wouldn’t give a shit about “equal rights”. But you do you. Good luck 👍🏻

ToKittyornottoKitty · 24/08/2025 00:11

Did you post this the other day from a different point of view?

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