AIBU to not fight for custody

[Franklekirk]

I’m in a really awful situation. Very outing but my 11 year old son came home on Sunday and told me he wants to move in with his dad. We split up 3 years ago and son has been with me since, sees his dad every other weekend and half the holidays.

son found the divorce very difficult to accept and has had counselling at primary school. We’re very close. dad wanted him to live with him, I’ve always said sons choice.

dad is very manipulative/ narcissistic. Over the years him and his mum have constantly bad mouthed me to my son, which he has found very upsetting. All sorts but things like calling me a “fucking fat pig”, making up all sorts of reasons he divorced me (I eventually kicked him out after numerous affairs), and telling me son they’d call social services on me but I’d lie to the social worker (I’ve said I’d welcome this as there is nothing to report).

however he’s obviously had a nice couple of weeks there with 1 week abroad. He’s told me he wants to move there for the start of secondary. Problem is this is 2 hours away so would mean moving to a school he’s not looked around (but his cousins go there).

my sons been sold a lifestyle, such as being told maintenance should go to the child so he can have a football season ticket etc whereas we don’t have spare finances (I do work full time in a well paid job but have a very expensive mortgage im
tied into which is another story of ex….).

as well as the huge financial implication on me, but this doesn’t effect the decision as that’s my issue not his.

I obviously want to fight to keep him but I don’t think it’s the right decision as legally his dad can keep him as we have no custody agreement, my son wants to go and at 11 gets a say. Yes ex is a prick but my son still has contact with him and will actually be nicer to him if hes “won”.

im arranging mediation to give my son someone impartial to speak to but we only have 1.5 weeks until he starts secondary and would starting here as planned and moving a couple of months later impact him
negatively?

Everyone says I should fight but I think I should listen to my son. Please help, I’m lost

Your posts sound emotionless. You grew and birthed this boy and raised him for 11 years and now you’re not bothered if he lives 2 hours from you? I don’t think you’re a genuine poster.

I think she’s tired of fighting and her fear of the fight is greater than her concerns for her child at this point.

You are willing to let your DS move in with a manipulative narcissist? If his dad was a decent person I'd say it's up to DS really but he isn't a decent person.
My gut feeling is if you let him go your ex will tell DS you don't care and ruin your relationship with him. I think you need to fight this. You know your ex, you can't really think he's a good father figure.

I've been the child in this scenario and it really, really messed me up. It was a much too big decision. I would rather one of my parents let me be angry with them for whatever decision they made, because I obviously would have gotten over it. Instead I was eaten alive with guilt for 'choosing'.

You need to stall. Get the mediator, start him at his secondary school, say you can revisit the topic after christmas. Then see what's what.

Please take responsibility for making a decision. Don’t put your child in a horrible situation and absolve yourself of responsibility by saying it is his choice

What are the cousins like - what ages - you can’t guarantee a good relationship with them

No, first time

no new children, I’ve been dating on and off for the last year but son has only met one I was with for 6 months. Not current one. Son is happy with me dating as I do it when he’s not here

sons dad has had a 2 year and 1 year relationship in the 3 years and son is heavily involved with them and their families. No other kids involved

It’s all very well that he’s had a nice couple of weeks with Disney dad but he might find normal everyday life less thrilling. Ex and his mother sound very unpleasant with the badmouthing and DS is already upset by this.

No I can’t, I’d have to get at least a second job and sell up asap

that is my only bargaining chip

💯 fight. He will be thankful when he is an adult.
Don't allow his life been ruined by allowing him to live with a narcissist.

Fight till your last breath. Your son is your life.

This sounds like you don't want your son to live with you.

If you did you would not have posted this thread.

Sad.

Does the specific school near his dad actually have space for him? Is there any risk of it being over subscribed and your son would need to go to a different school?

I would ask how ugly things are likely to get if you do fight for him. I say this as a child who was stuck in the middle of 2 bitter parents and used me as a weapon against eachother. My brother chose to only be in contact with one parent during those years and we agree he had an easier time of it.

It may not be in the best interest of your son to involve him in a huge battle.

All other things being equal I'd fight but they arent. I do think people learn through experience.

given your situation I'd go with the above.
Maintain contact every other weekend or one evening per week and a day at the weekend or whatever....and be a Disney parent. Make it flew you live him he is always welcome to come back.

Your comment is as valid as anyone else’s but perhaps the best place for it today is the Feminist board.

I think that’s part of it yes, he loved summer school there and was excited about friends he’d met but he’s not as confident as he seems and his dad has been selling these other schools to him (rugby scout visits there, outstanding ofsted etc)

I would fight because the father is a very bad parent. No father should use demeaning words when talking to a child about the other parent. It is not in a child's best interests to live with such a parent.

Sounds like you really want him to go to his dads’….

I wish it wasn’t real. Full of emotion. However having been told on Sunday and being with my son constantly since, I haven’t yet broken down no. Saving that for when he leaves today.

I am trying to look at it from all angles. I have done what many posters have suggested and have explained it may not be as happy as he’s expecting as being the day to day parent is very different to being the weekend parent. I have discussed whether I should fight with my son, and told him I haven’t yet decided because yes his views are important but I am not sure he’ll be happier there.

I’ve also said the move won’t be happening at the start of term (however I do think if he is going to move eventually then start of term would be beneficial to him). I’ve explained we can do and see the new school, as other posters have said if it even has space!

I know people are saying I’ve given up, I really haven’t. I do feel broken but I will fight with everything I’ve got if I think it’s the right thing. There is no “win”

Some ppl suggesting to let him choose are bonkers. He is 11 ffs. He can get manipulated easy, he is naive (due to his age!). Yeah great if he is going to be taken care of there but with the way they are about you, you might kiss and goodbye your son. He will be exposed easily to all this lies and you wont be there to help him. Fight.

Slightly older girls, they get on very well and the family is close up there. A plus that he doesn’t have down here

I had to do this, even the emergency court hearing took over 2 months. Be careful OP as if your son does go to visit, he could keep him there without your say so and apply for the new school anyway. It happened to me and I had to fight to keep his current school place open.

I fought for residency because I knew it wasn’t what was best for my son and once he’d have moved there I’d have basically have lost my son for good as they weren’t interested in keeping communication open and started cutting me off. I’m not saying this will be the case with you, but who’s to say once your son is there that they’ll not try to push you out of his life completely? People have a habit of doing this once they get what they want.

I did not fight. My situation was complicated and I haven’t seen two of my children since 2nd June 2023.

If he was to move, could you also move so he can spend half the time at yours? The 2 hour distance is making it an "all or nothing" situation where surely it is in his best interests to see both parents on a weekly basis

Omg i dont want to derail the thread by asking what happened but i am really sorry