AIBU to not fight for custody

[Franklekirk]

I’m in a really awful situation. Very outing but my 11 year old son came home on Sunday and told me he wants to move in with his dad. We split up 3 years ago and son has been with me since, sees his dad every other weekend and half the holidays.

son found the divorce very difficult to accept and has had counselling at primary school. We’re very close. dad wanted him to live with him, I’ve always said sons choice.

dad is very manipulative/ narcissistic. Over the years him and his mum have constantly bad mouthed me to my son, which he has found very upsetting. All sorts but things like calling me a “fucking fat pig”, making up all sorts of reasons he divorced me (I eventually kicked him out after numerous affairs), and telling me son they’d call social services on me but I’d lie to the social worker (I’ve said I’d welcome this as there is nothing to report).

however he’s obviously had a nice couple of weeks there with 1 week abroad. He’s told me he wants to move there for the start of secondary. Problem is this is 2 hours away so would mean moving to a school he’s not looked around (but his cousins go there).

my sons been sold a lifestyle, such as being told maintenance should go to the child so he can have a football season ticket etc whereas we don’t have spare finances (I do work full time in a well paid job but have a very expensive mortgage im
tied into which is another story of ex….).

as well as the huge financial implication on me, but this doesn’t effect the decision as that’s my issue not his.

I obviously want to fight to keep him but I don’t think it’s the right decision as legally his dad can keep him as we have no custody agreement, my son wants to go and at 11 gets a say. Yes ex is a prick but my son still has contact with him and will actually be nicer to him if hes “won”.

im arranging mediation to give my son someone impartial to speak to but we only have 1.5 weeks until he starts secondary and would starting here as planned and moving a couple of months later impact him
negatively?

Everyone says I should fight but I think I should listen to my son. Please help, I’m lost

If this school is so outstanding are you sure he has a place there?

I would be calling the school to find out what is going on. Either exh is selling a school that doesn’t have a place for him or exh has already registered him and he has a place. In which case he has been planning this for a long long time

I think you should let him choose. He needs somebody independent to speak to him and make sure he knows the implications of what he's doing; you also need to check there's a place at the school. But if that's what he wants, let him go. Make sure he knows he can change his mind at any time - but there may not be a place back at his old school if he does.

Surely this is parental alienation and if you have evidence I would be going to court to restrict or have supervised contact

Over my dead body. I fought hard in court to keep my son with me.
How can you even consider giving him to a narcissist? He will destroy him.

I agree with you - mother shouldn’t be the default parent, which many forget.

however you need some kind of agreement if you do go ahead with this to mandate time he does spend with you, weekends, and time on holiday, so he does not get alienated from you

there are very simple suggestions above around seeing schools first, joining mid year etc etc so the possibility is taken seriously and moved along without being catastrophically rushed

I have no proof. I only have stuff my son has told me which I do believe, but he makes me promise to not tell his dad. He’s so worried about upsetting them. I once raised it with his dad in the naive hope of making him realise the impact it has on our son. He told my son and my son was distraught, it took time to build his trust in me again and that is my priority.

Exactly this. It’s clear that many people on this thread haven’t been brought up by a narcissist. I have, and I would never willingly put my children through the trauma.

School and mundane life will kick in and he will want to come back when he realises his dad isn’t fun anymore and his mum did more for him.

At 11 your son's opinion/views will be taken into consideration, but it doesn't mean it's a given a Judge would just simply say yes to your son moving with his Dad. Your ex would need to have a very good case for why your son should move in with him. A 'because he wants too', won't be a good enough reason in my view. A Judge is there to decide what is in your son's best interest. Currently your son lives with you, has regular contact with his Dad, presumably has friends close by, and has a school placement for September. To me, they are all very good and valid reasons as to why your son should stay with you. If your son turns around to a mediator or to CAFCASS and says 'your maintenance will be paying for a football season ticket', then it will tell them all they need to know!! I think you need to do what's best for your son, and that's staying with you, so yes you need to fight for him. You ex can't simply change your son's school without your agreement either. You both have Parental Responsibility, but both have to agree on education/health etc.

Was your dad a decent human being though? I doubt he told you that your mum was a 'fat fucking pig'. He doesn't sounds as though he has his son's best interests at heart but it's all about him 'winning' and punishing OP. If he had investigated the schools near him and spoken to OP about it like a reasonable person so they could make a joint decision, that would be different. He's just issued an ultimatum a week before the schools go back.

I haven't read all posts but would advise - seek urgent legal advice. Parents cannot change child's school without consent of either parent. You can get urgent court order preventing this and asking for an order stating he lives with you in the interim while everything is sorted out by court/Cafcass over the next few months. You have the status quo on your side. Your son in my view should never have been told where he lives is up to him - it should be the parents who decide what is best, it is too much pressure for a child to think they are in charge (and he will want to please his dad but he has no idea what is best for him aged 11).

I haven't read all posts but would advise - seek urgent legal advice. Parents cannot change child's school without consent of both parents. You can get urgent court order preventing this and asking for an order stating he lives with you in the interim while everything is sorted out by court/Cafcass over the next few months. You have the status quo on your side. Your son in my view should never have been told where he lives is up to him - it should be the parents who decide what is best, it is too much pressure for a child to think they are in charge (and he will want to please his dad but he has no idea what is best for him aged 11).

You need legal advice and fast

I think you need to say to your son the truth that you respect his views but that any change needs to be made through official legal channels now particularly with a change of school so he needs to start school now with his friends and take it from there

necause you need to make sure you still get contact so start an application now

I think you need to apply for mediation and then COA spelling out how much contact, travel arrangements etc. Else you may never see your son again.

Does he already have his own phone so you could have regularly FaceTime calls etc?

Once I made it clear I didn’t want him to live with his dad he kept him there anyway and started cutting me off. At the first court hearing,(2 in total) his dad badmouthed me, and did his best to make me look mentally unstable. I stuck to the facts and put all my points forward about why my son needed to continue living with me. His father was verbally abusive at times like your ex is, which I mentioned and I brought up the fact I felt I was being alienated from my son.

CAFCASS recommended he was brought home to me. Long story short, I got residency until he’s 16 and it states he’s unable to remove him from school. Hopefully you wouldn’t have to resort to these measures if you decided you wanted your son to stay with you. X

I was in the son's situation at this age.
Giving up is the worst thing you could do.
You need to explain all these things to him calmly. What you've written here. Not in an argumentative way, just an authentic and straightforward way.
Otherwise he is being brainwashed by one parent with no alternative. He'll think it's true.

This is what happened to me - one side filling my head with all this stuff and the other not speaking about it openly at all. So of course I believed the side who was speaking to me, treating me 'like an adult,' and telling me 'the truth.' I ended up living with the first parent and it was awful.

At 11 years old you can waste all the money in the world on solicitors and court orders. You will not be able to bend the will of that child.
You’d be wasting your time And money

Of course you have to fight for custody. Otherwise they will use it tell your son you didn’t want him and wasn’t bothered and that will stay with your son for a long time if not forever. Please don’t let your son think that you didn’t at least try to fight to keep him.

That doesn't make any sense. You're not lifting a finger to get him to stay.

It is worth fighting for him op, because you are very much giving up. You are his mother, he will know he is loved and valued regardless of where he ends up.

This is a completely unrealistic proposal, I'm sorry to say. Just not going to happen.

I agree with contacting both the new and current school to state you don’t consent to withdrawal: schools must have consent from both parents. This is a major decision and shouldn’t be rushed.

Right now, Dad only sees his son every other weekend and in holidays - he gets the fun, not the day-to-day responsibilities. Has he really considered the impact on his social life, energy, and mental load? Parenting involves childcare, schoolwork, clubs, medical appointments, and even meal planning. His life would change completely.

I’d suggest mediation between the two of you before putting your son through the same. A middle ground might be Dad increasing his contact and involvement gradually. Seeing his son every weekend (potentially one in your town, one in his?), as well as taking on real responsibilities for a year before making big changes. That would also reduce his CM payments, which, given he’s discussed money with an 11-year-old, may be the real motivation here.

I have no personal experience but could you talk to his dad, perhaps with a mediator, and get a written agreement that your son goes to live with his dad but has agreed time with you. Then you can be the Disney mum. You might later need to take it to court.

I think I’d see a solicitor asap just to figure out whether it would even be possible to prevent this and how that would look. Then you’ll have all the info. Maybe even if you don’t fight to keep him you could go to court to at least get a schedule of when you’ll see ds in place.

it may also be worth ringing or emailing the school and trying to find out how long they’d keep his place if he starts somewhere else, whether they are oversubscribed etc. they must have seen similar situations before.

Its so hard to say whether his dad would be able to keep up a reasonable pretence and keep your DS happy or if he’d be back within a couple of months. Would ex get fed up with looking after him, providing emotional support etc? What’s your gut feeling?

any chance of you moving closer and agreeing 50/50? Is ex doing this so he can stop paying maintenance or to generally get at you?

I think I’d be saying to DS that your feelings are it’s too big a move to change home and school in one go. Suggest he starts a year at the agreed school where he has done his induction days etc and made friends. If he still feels this way in a year, you’ll facilitate him moving to his dad’s. Say he could spend most holidays with dad in the meantime? I’d basically just be super nice to DS and point out all the advantages of being with you.

I’m so sorry this is happening. It sounds like a nightmare to work out the right path.

Your ex sounds like mine and I anticipate a similar situation to happen for my DC in the future. Fight for your son- he’s 11 and hasn’t got the ability to think his decision through rationally. And if shit hits the fan and the ex gets custody anyway, your son will know you tried to fight his corner.