AIBU to not fight for custody

[Franklekirk]

I’m in a really awful situation. Very outing but my 11 year old son came home on Sunday and told me he wants to move in with his dad. We split up 3 years ago and son has been with me since, sees his dad every other weekend and half the holidays.

son found the divorce very difficult to accept and has had counselling at primary school. We’re very close. dad wanted him to live with him, I’ve always said sons choice.

dad is very manipulative/ narcissistic. Over the years him and his mum have constantly bad mouthed me to my son, which he has found very upsetting. All sorts but things like calling me a “fucking fat pig”, making up all sorts of reasons he divorced me (I eventually kicked him out after numerous affairs), and telling me son they’d call social services on me but I’d lie to the social worker (I’ve said I’d welcome this as there is nothing to report).

however he’s obviously had a nice couple of weeks there with 1 week abroad. He’s told me he wants to move there for the start of secondary. Problem is this is 2 hours away so would mean moving to a school he’s not looked around (but his cousins go there).

my sons been sold a lifestyle, such as being told maintenance should go to the child so he can have a football season ticket etc whereas we don’t have spare finances (I do work full time in a well paid job but have a very expensive mortgage im
tied into which is another story of ex….).

as well as the huge financial implication on me, but this doesn’t effect the decision as that’s my issue not his.

I obviously want to fight to keep him but I don’t think it’s the right decision as legally his dad can keep him as we have no custody agreement, my son wants to go and at 11 gets a say. Yes ex is a prick but my son still has contact with him and will actually be nicer to him if hes “won”.

im arranging mediation to give my son someone impartial to speak to but we only have 1.5 weeks until he starts secondary and would starting here as planned and moving a couple of months later impact him
negatively?

Everyone says I should fight but I think I should listen to my son. Please help, I’m lost

Very very nasty

Thank you for everyone’s opinions, I’ve read them all and am considering all points.

at the moment, I have started the mediation process and will try and block the school move by contacting the admissions team in both councils. I have no money for a solicitor but will contact one on Tuesday for the free session to see what I can do.

I expect I will receive a plan of action from ex once he collects son in an hour. I will then be able to plan what to do. However I expect this won’t be easy but my plan is for son to start current school and we can discuss a move at a later date. They won’t agree but I will do all I can

for those asking if ex actually wants custody, I think the answer is yes. He sees himself as a better parent. They will be moving in with his mum so he will have that support too. He does a lot for appearances and him saving his poor neglected son from the awful mother will do a lot for that

we had a lovely day with friends yesterday and he’s had rugby training today which has really helped him see positives here.

however another 7 days of manipulation is going to be tricky to counter.

for people who say I’m not trying. Of course I am. But anyone who’s dealt with a narcissist knows it’s not as easy as a rational discussion etc. I need to approach this carefully, hence me trying to understand it from all angles and playing devils advocate

Why is there no custody arrangement ? This needs sorting out I think.
I agree with pps that 11 is too young to decide this alone. He needs to start school and see how he feels in a few months.
I would be very concerned that as your ex is devious and manipulative, he will coerce your son into gradually breaking all contact with you.

My parents split when I was 11 and I was given the choice to move with my mum and her new partner or stay at home. My home life wasn't great so I chose to move with my mum however after a few weeks I moved back home, I missed my friends, my house and most importantly my dog. At 11 he is old enough to know what he wants but as others have said let him know he can come home anytime, once the honeymoon period is over you might find he misses his mum and moves back home.

@Franklekirk I’ve not been in your situation but heard on a podcast about this organisation that might be of help. They offer affordable legal advice (with payment plans) as well as tools for navigating various aspects of separation/divorce including child residency. Set up and run by women with lived experience
https://www.separatespace.co.uk/

I think this is the worry. What makes it so tricky. Whatever happens if the OP is transparently working for the best interests of thr boy you hope that even if a tricky few years he gets older and realises whose behaviour was fairer and genuinely in his interests. There is a risk either way of losing him. :-(

And you are really considering letting him move there? All your answers are in your own posts

There is no such a thing as custody in the uk. The parent the child spends more nights with is deemed the resident parent. Residence orders (formalising what is the child primary residency) are rarely issued and mostly issued in situations of high conflict so it is not something that gets “sorted” as part of the process.

I would definitely encourage your child to start school near you. If he starts, or even moves while waiting for a space and then Starts later on at a school, by the time it reaches court the precedent has been set and the court are more likely to agree to what is the new status quo.
So keep telling your son you are considering it, explain the plan, get him to write a pro/con list of moving to dad's. Seeing it in black and white and being logical might support him, rather than the emotional side of a season ticket.
You can do this. Going up against a man like that is hard, draining and every step seems impossible. But you can do this, talk to your son. Be more open with him now than you would have 3 years ago.

If he withholds your child from you you need to go and see a solicitor and make an emergency application to the court to have him returned to you.

Yes you both have parental rights but you have always been resident parent and he has absolutely no right to withhold your child from you. Even if your son says he wants to live with his dad it still gives his dad no right to take matters in to his own hands and not return your child to you. It’s clearly not in this child’s best interests to live with his dad.

Your son is only 11 years old you need to fight this OP. I know it’s frightening, I have been in your shoes but you can do this.

Well done for standing your ground and arranging to see a solicitor for legal advice. You’re doing the right things.

Also, you say that your ex is now living with his Mum. And I imagine that means he's now got someone to do the childcare and doesn't have to pay as much for accommodation.

He seems quite keen on saving money. Could this whole thing just be a bid to stop paying you any child maintenance and also claim child benefit?

Don't discuss the issue with your ex when he comes to collect and "Tells" you his plan... wait until you've got legal advice and then keep your cards very close to your chest.

I realise this is a bit sneaky but could you get your DS a pet?

Id argue that he needs to start the schoolnear you and settle. Id argue that he completes school year then if he wants to move to his dads and new school, that it can be properly planned to start in the second year.
It's way to short notice now to move at the moment

Which he currently has, even though clearly not a nice man.

However, if he moves in with dad, ongoing contact with mum sounds uncertain. And the son then may then only have access to one parent who verbally runs down his other parent in very nasty terms.

Î m in France so maybe it’s not the same in the UK but here if Îm not wrong you can’t take a child out of a school without both parents signatures ( if they have joint custody) and it’s possibly the same for enrolling them in a new school. Could you find out the legalities of that in the UK and use it as an excuse ? Ie it’s too late to change schools now so he’ll have to start in the planned one and if push comes to shove ‘ i won’t sign up to take him out or for a new school until thiw has all been properly discussed ‘

. His Dad doesn’t seem to have his own home but would be living with his mother? Îm not sure that would be great in a judge’s eyes. It’s actually not that stable tbf, they could argue and she could chuck them out for example…

Wishing you the best of luck @Franklekirk what a terrible time for you

I believe it’s similar. I don’t know the legalities (hopefully will confirm Tuesday after the bank holiday weekend) .

A judge would view it as a positive that he has that support at home.

@Franklekirk : " I have no money for a solicitor but will contact one on Tuesday for the free session to see what I can do."

I have been in a comparable situation. I wouldn't have been able to pay the amount that was expected to pile up during the court sessions (6 of them, 5 of which I had to travel to from Germany). There was one thing that made me want to do it any which way: It was the wish of my late sister, whose child it was, that the child would live with me. She had separated from her partner 3 years earlier due to narciscissm etc.
I teamed up with my parents, and we paid 1/3 of the cost each, and the last 1/3 from the assets of my late sister who had put them into a trust for this ond other puposes concerning her child.
Do you see any chance to get your family involved to get professional help at least part of the way?

Depends. With minors, there's always Cafcass involved, and they put both parties through the wringer (including detailed interviews with both parties and the child-- and making both parties writing a detailed plan for the integration of the child at the new residence).

@FranklekirkWhat happened? X

Is his dad.the better parent or at least as good as you? You said his dad and dad's mum are narcisstic and manipulative. Are you narcisstic and manipulative? Do you think your son will be better off with his dad than with you?

If your answer to any of those questions is yes then maybe consider letting him go. If not then fight for him to stay as that is in your son's best interests.

He’s gone

@FranklekirkI’m so sorry. I hope you’re doing OK.