MIL using racist term around DD

[BurlyReptile]

I have DD 2.5yo so has got really chatty and is good at speaking and picks up on things quite quickly.

MIL frequently refers to black people using the D-word (starts with D rhymes with snarky) to refer to black people. Every time she uses it I tell her it is racist and she just says she's not meaning it in a racist way. It just seems to be how she refers to black people?? Today I snapped at her a bit more, saying it's a racist term, she knows it's racist term and by using it she is indeed being racist.

She is late 50s so it's not like she's an old 90 year old who thinks it's ok.

I am terrified that DD picks up on this and starts using it, even once would be mortifying. This has been going on since I met her (so years of her being periodically told off by me about it being racist), but now I am really keen to stamp this out around DD in particular, although preferably I'd rather she acknowledged it is racist and not use racist terms again but this is probably asking too much.

DP is generally supportive and disagrees with her saying it, but in general her side of family don't really seem to bother. They don't use it, but nobody else seems to bother that she does. Am I the one being unreasonable here? For the record we are all white.

You need to absolutely stop that. To the extent that if she doesn’t, you stop DD from seeing her. DD could repeat it unknowingly… I’m similar age and I am cringing. That’s awful. Good luck.

She is being racist

That is such a weird word to use. I could maybe understand it if she was 100…

It’s completely unacceptable. She doesn’t say it or she doesn’t see your daughter. Her choice.

That's shocking and disgraceful, I could never accept that kind of language.😡

Who are the (at time of posting) 12% who think saying d*rky is ok?

Yeah I agree with those saying she stops saying it or stops seeing DD.

“mum/MIL - we have told you it’s racist. If you say it again in front of DD you won’t see her as we would be mortified if DD repeated a racist term”

Then balls in her court.

Bloody hell OP.
I wouldn't want her anywhere near my child.
Of course your child will eventually repeat this.....marking her and you as ignorant dregs.

I would tell her straight that unless she stops using that disgusting term you cannot allow her around your child. And mean it.

Im in my 60s and wouldn't use that phrase

No way would my children be around that language. What about in the future when DD is old enough to be with Nanny by herself. No way, best to address this once and for all now! Or embarrass her in front of DD next time she says it and say, ‘Nanny just said a bad word that’s not kind at all’, obviously this is DD dependent though as you don’t want to highlight it to her. My DD wouldn’t repeat a word if I made a song & dance about it being awful.

I’m shocked that anyone in their 50s would use that term!

I would tell her that unless she stops immediately she will not be seeing her granddaughter, and if she ever did use it again I would leave immediately.

This is shocking. I would withdraw DD from her company explaining why. Get her son to.do it

That’s horrendous. She hasn't even got the “excuse” of age.
I would tell her my child would not be around her anymore.
I once threw a friend of my husband’s out of my house for telling a racist joke.

And they say racism is better

theres no way I would let my child be around this woman

If she doesn’t think it’s racist, ask her would she be comfortable using it in the presence of black people?

I'm genuinely shocked!! Tell your DH and her that if she doesn't stop saying it she will never see DD again. You could say that DD has said it at nursery or something, to hammer the point down! Omg. Awful

I've had to correct my MIL on saying "coloured" and her stupid husband making inappropriate jokes .. I'm literally mixed race so I was really stern and serious that I'm not accepting discriminatory terms around my children. They seemed to stop - at least around me and my now older dc

I really think your husband needs to take this up with her. It's his Mum.

At my old work there was a lady who would always come thru my petrol garage on a Wednesday night that I got talking to and we really hit it off. I was on different shifts for a while so she had written me a note with her mobile number on it and had given it to one of the other staff members and when the other staff member saw me she said that d lady left this for you and I said oh you mean Lydia and she said aye the d. I told her that we don't go about calling white folks milky so we shouldn't be saying that word. She is a woman in her late 50's so should know better.

I've had to correct elderly mum on coloured she thought she was being respectful.
Using darkie at 50 no excuse, she's not in love thy neighbour.

Same here. I’m 58 - I know no one who uses that term. That’s a term that my PIL and DF’s generation used - in their 80s.
We had a conversation with PIL re the P word ore than 20 years ago when DS1 was small - they understood. We just said that we can’t have him hearing that word as he might well repeat it at nursery. We left it at that but the implication was clear - keep saying it and you won’t be seeing him.

I actually think challenging racist behaviour is everyone’s responsibility. Also, the OP needs to protect her daughter from being exposed to this language.
OP I agree with you-if tell her in no uncertain terms that she won’t be around my daughter if she continues to talk like this.

Oh dear. I would tell her that she won't be seeing DD until she can stop the racist language.

She's doing it on purpose to wind you up as no one in their 50s was brought up with that word. She knows it's completely unacceptable.

But op has been telling her for "years".

5 yrs? 10 yrs? We don't know.

The woman is clearly not listening and it doesn't sound like she has any respect for her DIL.

The husband needs to step up, support his wife and tell his Mother. Maybe she'll listen to him? Because she's clearly taking no notice of the op.