MIL using racist term around DD

[BurlyReptile]

I have DD 2.5yo so has got really chatty and is good at speaking and picks up on things quite quickly.

MIL frequently refers to black people using the D-word (starts with D rhymes with snarky) to refer to black people. Every time she uses it I tell her it is racist and she just says she's not meaning it in a racist way. It just seems to be how she refers to black people?? Today I snapped at her a bit more, saying it's a racist term, she knows it's racist term and by using it she is indeed being racist.

She is late 50s so it's not like she's an old 90 year old who thinks it's ok.

I am terrified that DD picks up on this and starts using it, even once would be mortifying. This has been going on since I met her (so years of her being periodically told off by me about it being racist), but now I am really keen to stamp this out around DD in particular, although preferably I'd rather she acknowledged it is racist and not use racist terms again but this is probably asking too much.

DP is generally supportive and disagrees with her saying it, but in general her side of family don't really seem to bother. They don't use it, but nobody else seems to bother that she does. Am I the one being unreasonable here? For the record we are all white.

Using an out of date, derogatory term like this is racism. If she used this terminology in her workplace, she would be subject to disciplinary action. If she can avoid using this term at work, she can avoid it at home and in the company of her daughter's family. She sounds difficult and provocative as she has also refused to stop vaping indoors in front of her grandchildren.

So she works and isn't retired? Even if it is a racist term, she may not feel it is and still not mean to offend, just used to using terms she has used for a long time.

That’s like calling people cunts because you don’t consider it a rude word. Even when you’ve been told time and again that’s it’s not acceptable.
It IS racist. No excuse

I'm 46, so your MiL must be only 10-12 years older than me?

There's absolutely no way she doesn't understand that that word is completely unacceptable: even my grandparents, who would be over 100 if they were still living, would never have used it.

This is a proper line in the sand and I completely agree that you would not be unreasonable to stop her seeing your daughter over this.

Edited to add: she's only 54, so less than a decade older than me? Then that's even worse. There's absolutely no way that somebody who came of age in the 90s doesn't know that it's a racist slur.

There's a few people I know who use the term who don't have mobile phones or a tv. I wouldn't regard them as racists really. This may be a reason. They are in their late 40's.

They are wrong. It's getting worse.

I agree DH needs to make clear she is not to use the word and if she does, she will not see DC. It shouldn't be difficult: she can't use it often. He can tell her what to say instead. Saying 'black people/woman/man' will protect her from being racist in other situations too. You need to be clear with her about this as she may do and say other things you don't like in the future.

I've been trying to remember the last time I heard that word used. It was in the 1980s, by a woman born in the 1890s. She was outraged because a d.... hadn't stood in the road to let her pass on the pavement.

The OP is the husband, it's his wife's mother who is racist.

So she IS being racist.

If you are told something is racist and insist on doing it then you are choosing to be racist. Knowingly.

Just because you are told it is doesn't necessarily mean it is or if you say it in an unintended way.

Why are you trying to hard to justify racism, @TalkToTheHand123?

Language works because people have a shared understanding of what words mean. No meaningful communication would happen if we all placed our own interpretation on the meaning of words.

I'm not. I'm defending people who are being accused of racism when they aren't. Usually by the far left who have messed up this country.

This is nonsense as well you know.
She is choosing to refer to people by racial slurs (despite being told this, repeatedly) because she is racist.

Why you are determined to passionately defend her racism is odd. I assume you use the same language she does.

You are justifying racism and repeatedly defending somebody choosing to refer people by racial slurs.

Your argument appears to be it’s fine to use racial slurs as long as you don’t believe it to be one no matter how many times you are educated on the topic.

(To be clear OP has said MIL knows it’s a racist term and works as a nurse so knows enough to not use it in the work place. Which means she is choosing to be racist at home and you are defending her doing that.)

I think in this equation the difference is that the mil has repeatedly had this explained to her that the term is offensive and racist and is CHOOSING to continue to use it anyway. So in this scenario she can't claim ignorance as the OP has informed her repeatedly.

In this case though MIL may disagree with the term being racist.

Then she's still making an active choice not to inform or educate herself. Though tbh I'd be very surprised if she'd happily use this language in her workplace to a patient. She isn't stupid she knows. She's making a choice. She doesn't have to agree with op or anyone else, there are plenty of racists out there who feel entitled and valid in their beliefs. Doesn't mean they aren't racist just because they don't think they are.

What stands out is that the gran is chosing the language she uses. Uses it socially at home but knows it’s inappropriate as an HCP so probably doesn5 use it in workplace

Sorry but she’s a racist c**t. She wouldn’t be having access to my children at all, ever.

Absolutely horrifying that she’s a nurse. If she can use a term like that I am afraid for any black patients that encounter her.

Absolutely horrifying that she’s a nurse. If she can use a term like that I am afraid for any black patients that encounter her.

Agree wholeheartedly

So she’s making an active choice to be racist.(Also words have meanings.)