MIL using racist term around DD

[BurlyReptile]

I have DD 2.5yo so has got really chatty and is good at speaking and picks up on things quite quickly.

MIL frequently refers to black people using the D-word (starts with D rhymes with snarky) to refer to black people. Every time she uses it I tell her it is racist and she just says she's not meaning it in a racist way. It just seems to be how she refers to black people?? Today I snapped at her a bit more, saying it's a racist term, she knows it's racist term and by using it she is indeed being racist.

She is late 50s so it's not like she's an old 90 year old who thinks it's ok.

I am terrified that DD picks up on this and starts using it, even once would be mortifying. This has been going on since I met her (so years of her being periodically told off by me about it being racist), but now I am really keen to stamp this out around DD in particular, although preferably I'd rather she acknowledged it is racist and not use racist terms again but this is probably asking too much.

DP is generally supportive and disagrees with her saying it, but in general her side of family don't really seem to bother. They don't use it, but nobody else seems to bother that she does. Am I the one being unreasonable here? For the record we are all white.

She does tell her not to, but not as firmly as I do. In MIL view it's probably me that is being rude as we've had some fall outs in the past.

It is difficult. MIL isn't really the sort of person to take things on board with most things and would continue to do anything once your back is turned (such as vaping in the house).

God, you can't have DD repeating that. Kids her age are like parrots. Especially if she is going to nursery. Imagine that conversation. Who did you play with today DD? Sunita and Asha, the darkies from Blue class. You'd want the ground to swallow you!

It was bad enough when my 5 year old dropped a drink and loudly declared 'Fuck my life!' In front of her nan, I've never been judged so much in my life. And it wasn't even me she was copying but her older brother.

You really have to watch what you say, even if you don't think they're listening. Keep pulling her up on it, even if she doesn't stop, at least it might sink in to DD that it's not acceptable to say.

That reminds me I ended a friendship when a friend who as also a nurse said something racist about her friends Black boyfriend.

I did tell her and gave her a Chance to make amends but she doubled down.

Weirdly enough she was fine with Black women including her colleagues and some close friends . It was a thing she had against Black men of all nationalities.

Quite.
My parents are in their eighties and wouldn't dream of using that term.

I’m in my late 50s and would never dream of using a word like that.
I’d be furious if I heard anyone say it and I’d have to insist they never use it in the presence of me or my child.

If you hear her use it in her house or in public you leave immediately. If she uses it in your house you ask her to leave.

That will soon put a stop to it.

I have been a long time lurker. Created an account to use dark mode and read OP posts on thread. Decided to make this thread after the latest incident today. If that makes it made up in your eyes then so be it, but I can assure you it's 100% true 🤷‍♂️

If you called her C*nt-face all the time, wrote it in her Christmas cards the whole nine yards and she said that was an offensive term. How would she feel if you said oh I dont mean it in a nasty way, thats just my term for MiLs.. she wouldn't be like aww well

Tell her racism is about her impact not her intent. And if she doesnt stop it she wont see DD becauae that behaviour cant be continued

She must be the type of person to take things on board or she would have been sacked.

Yes you're right she must be, just not from me 🤷‍♂️

I'm confused why you have even heard her saying it at all. I don't think I've ever heard my MIL talking about different races, because I'm general chitchat, why would I need to know about the colour of someone's skin? It sounds as though she is frequently othering groups of people, and clearly has a problem with them. I would not want my child to be brought up thinking that behaviour and her words were ok.

@BurlyReptile you and your wife are complicit right now. If my godson was to come home crying because some idiot parent had knowingly and repeatedly exposed their child to racist language which said child had used against my godson I’d be fuming at all the adults involved.

What else can we say? Most people have told you the same thing on this thread. We are going round in circles now. Did you actually come here for a solution or just to whinge?

It’s ultimatum time.

You either put your foot down or you’re part of the problem.

OK, so I’ve been deleted for pointing out just how unbelievable this would be.

@BurlyReptile there is absolutely no excuse for your MIL using that term. I’m older than her, and I can assure you that no-one of my age/age-group would even countenance using that term.

Sorry if I didn’t believe you

This is completely unacceptable. She wouldn't be seeing my child.

The only person I ever heard use that word was my late grandad, he'd be 98 now. I was pulling him up on it thirty years ago.

Part of it is definitely for a whinge, but also I don't feel like I can ultimatum. She lives a couple of hours away so it is not like she sees her all the time so the exposure to racism is hopefully limited. It's easy to say ultimatum time when it's not your family ☹️ nobody would abide by it, if be howling at the moon and I'd be seen as the one in the wrong.

@BIWI i believe she says it but the age is a red herring here. It’s nothing to do with her age.

It could be an 18 year old or an 80 year old saying words like this unfortunately. Some people are just hateful and bigoted.

Why does she 'frequently refer to black people' anyway?

In what context?

I mean yeah, she's a fucking racist !

To me it's not so much the word, it's the fact that MIL feels the need to have conversations about a group of people — presumably British citizens for the most part — who are identified by their skin colour. Unless MIL is working in certain very niche areas of medical science or perhaps the policy end of social services, I'm not sure why the topic of black (or non-white) people as a group needs to come up at all. If you were able to persuade her to say "black people", would that actually make the conversation any less fundamentally racist?

I was wondering about this too. In what context is she "frequently" referring to black people?

Not a racist comment but a vile one that I overheard said by a nurse. Discussing overnight a murder that had happened in the city. Nurse “Well it doesn’t matter, she was only a prostitute”.
My point being that just being a nurse doesn’t make them a good person.

You need to have a very very serious conversation with your wife about her mother.

Triple jinx in the last few posts! 😀

My friend banned her racist cousin from being around her kids. I can think of other examples like that.

If you choose not to take a firmer stance that’s up to you, but it’s on you and your wife if your child shouts this at a passer-by or even worse a school mate.

Good luck to any Black kids in your childs future school or nursery class.

OK well if you're not willing to push the issue further with your wife please just be happy with it then... !!
Every time she says it you'll have to physically walk out of the room and end the meetup. You need your wife on board. Show her this thread
Even if MIL carries on she should know to be selective and never say stuff in front of you or your dd. That and low contact is really the best you can get tbh