MIL using racist term around DD

[BurlyReptile]

I have DD 2.5yo so has got really chatty and is good at speaking and picks up on things quite quickly.

MIL frequently refers to black people using the D-word (starts with D rhymes with snarky) to refer to black people. Every time she uses it I tell her it is racist and she just says she's not meaning it in a racist way. It just seems to be how she refers to black people?? Today I snapped at her a bit more, saying it's a racist term, she knows it's racist term and by using it she is indeed being racist.

She is late 50s so it's not like she's an old 90 year old who thinks it's ok.

I am terrified that DD picks up on this and starts using it, even once would be mortifying. This has been going on since I met her (so years of her being periodically told off by me about it being racist), but now I am really keen to stamp this out around DD in particular, although preferably I'd rather she acknowledged it is racist and not use racist terms again but this is probably asking too much.

DP is generally supportive and disagrees with her saying it, but in general her side of family don't really seem to bother. They don't use it, but nobody else seems to bother that she does. Am I the one being unreasonable here? For the record we are all white.

I actually think the word she uses may be irrelevant here. Abhorrent as it is, it sounds like the real problem goes much deeper. She could change her language but the sentiment would remain. She would still be racist.

Family or not, I wouldn't want to be around her. And I certainly wouldn't want my children to be exposed to her.

Deceased grandad who if still alive would be over 110, used that term 50 years ago. And i remember us kids even then sniggering at the inappropriateness of it.

I am 63. I haven’t heard anyone use that word in more than half a century. She’s racist.

You stop taking the child to see her,her language belies her values
Words matter.
This can’t dismissed or ignored as Nana is a wee bit inappropriate
Granny is racist, Her words tell you this. Her insistence on using hateful terms tell you who she is

Even if MIL disagrees that it’s not ok, she should obey the rules of the child’s parents about what language is used around her. I think she needs to get a written warning and then you need to consider what to do about reducing contact if she thinks her right to be racist is more important than contact with her grandchild…

I’d be telling her that in addition to you as parents finding it completely abhorrent and unnecessary, that ( as some PP have said) in school it would be reported as a racist incident if your child used the word. Racist incidents are recorded and reported to Governors termly.
Can’t believe that she thinks it’s OK.

Agree. I'm a similar age and this word is so old fashioned and simply not acceptable. She's behind the times here and probably in other ways too. People don't want to change sadly and go around perpetuating these old behaviours. Good to see MN calling it out! Ask DP to challenge it strongly. Can you imagine if she called someone that word on the supermarket while you were pushing her round in the trolley 😳

This is it. I recently picked up a friend for using an outdated term that is now considered offensive and she said ‘well what should I say?’ I replied ’why do you need to refer to someone’s ethnicity at all?

It sounds like these kinds of thoughts are just sitting there below the surface, waiting to pop out of her mouth. Black people are "different", perhaps "scary" to her, and she doesn't have a filter strong enough to hold the comments back. I used to know a few people like this (my Mum had her moments). The racism here probably isn't on the same scale as the BNP — sometimes I think we need more words for racism, to distinguish grumbling intolerance from full-on pointy-hooded white supremacy.

I'm not sure that there's much that can be done. Some kind of therapy might just about help, but as with all forms of psychological intervention it would require that the patient wants to be helped ("I can't help it, black people are so strange to me, I find myself blurting it out, it's spoiling my life"). And that probably isn't going to happen unless several people read her the riot act, and even then I wouldn't hold my breath.

"But I'm not racist"

Answer...."So why are you saying racist things?"

An (ex) friend of mine used it and the vile word for Chinese people. I couldn't stay friends due to her racism that she didn't think was racist as 'just words'

I would block her access to my child. And make clear to her why I am doing so.

Your wife will have to step up, because it will be her called in by nursery and school if she innocently uses that word. Education establishments take it seriously.

She wouldn’t be seeing my DD unsupervised until she was old enough to understand how unacceptable grandma’s language is.

I had to stand in front of racist graffiti today (P*) to stop my 6 year old reading it and repeating it. I swear it’s getting worse. And casually using racist language is all part of this nasty ‘oh we’re just old fashioned/patriotic/proud to be British’ bullshit people pull. It’s sinister.

As a BAME person, it’s not unbelievable. I’ve heard similar sentiments.

And to be clear - she does mean it in a racist way.

We were in a similar situation with my MiL. She lived a good 5-6 hours away so we didn't often see her. When we did, she'd generally be on her best behaviour for the first couple of days, then she'd say things, point to news items involving Black malefactors, especially men and boys but not white ones, use skin-crawling terminology when talking about POC and she was downright insulting about Muslims. She was fixated on skin colour and where people were "from" even if their family washed up in Liverpool generations ago and they'd never set foot in Accra, Pretoria or wherever. We challenged her a lot, and it seemed to land, but on her next visit, or ours to her, it would bare its teeth again. I don't think she had any interest whatsoever in changing her behaviour.

That said, she grew up in the 30s and 40s. It's no excuse, but it's the context for a few things. I'm in my sixties and my parents, both working class war babies, would have had my guts for garters if I'd used the sort of language your MiL thought acceptable - it's a very long time since it was common currency. Her age isn't an excuse and you'd be more than justified in telling her to stop it or there will be no contact with your DD.

With the amount of training nurses have to do about equality and diversity there’s absolutely no way that she’s not well aware that it’s racist. And also no way she’s using that word at work without serious consequences so she can censor herself she’s just choosing not to.
Personally I’d ban contact but that’s something you need to get your partner on board with. Have you tried explaining it in simple terms of if DD hears her using that word and then uses it other people will think negatively about her/her family. Then she might understand that everyone is thinking negatively about her too.

Words matter and words reveal the values and opinions one holds. she’s odious and racist. On that basis I’d not be taking my child to see her

That’s weird. I’m late 50’s and that’s a word my parents generation (born in the late 1920’s and all dead now) would have used.

No more messing about I think, first thing I’d do is not let MIL see your DD again until she has proved that she is capable of not ‘going there’ in conversation with you and your DH, who must back you up on this 100%.

Visit her as normal for, oh, six months or so (just a couple of weeks/visits won’t work) and tell her every time why DD isn’t there. It doesn’t matter that she will think you’re being ridiculous, as long as she knows you’re serious.

Yes other parents may presume that the racism comes from the parents and swerve play dates. That would be a shame.

@samarrange I don't think we need more words for racist, using words like that are the same white supremacy as other white supremacy, still hateful, still violent, still costs lives

This is outrageous. The concern here should not be that the OP , wife and daughter will have repercussions when she publicly repeats the vile racist language she's heard in her own family's home. The concern should be for the welfare of the children she's going to be around, those whose self esteem she will damage,those who will come home daily in tears,become withdrawn, asking why someone they thought was their friend is talking like this about them, why other friends are now copying them, why they are being 'othered' , made to feel different, why other children won't sit next to them etc etc etc. I am the parent of DC that have been on the receiving end of this racist bullshit, starting in nursery, then primary and secondary and the lasting damage cannot be underestimated. It's utterly shameful parenting to knowingly expose your DD to this and yet do nothing.

It’s really not hard at all. Either you’re weak or fine with her racism.

@BurlyReptile Sorry, I jumped the gun and didn’t read all your posts, I do see now you have a DW, not a DH.