MIL using racist term around DD

[BurlyReptile]

I have DD 2.5yo so has got really chatty and is good at speaking and picks up on things quite quickly.

MIL frequently refers to black people using the D-word (starts with D rhymes with snarky) to refer to black people. Every time she uses it I tell her it is racist and she just says she's not meaning it in a racist way. It just seems to be how she refers to black people?? Today I snapped at her a bit more, saying it's a racist term, she knows it's racist term and by using it she is indeed being racist.

She is late 50s so it's not like she's an old 90 year old who thinks it's ok.

I am terrified that DD picks up on this and starts using it, even once would be mortifying. This has been going on since I met her (so years of her being periodically told off by me about it being racist), but now I am really keen to stamp this out around DD in particular, although preferably I'd rather she acknowledged it is racist and not use racist terms again but this is probably asking too much.

DP is generally supportive and disagrees with her saying it, but in general her side of family don't really seem to bother. They don't use it, but nobody else seems to bother that she does. Am I the one being unreasonable here? For the record we are all white.

Who the hell has voted YABU!!

Vile woman.

I didn’t read the OP properly and was thinking “What D word?” Then I read the word it rhymed with and my jaw dropped! Wow! I cannot believe your MIL is actually using this word! Awful, disgusting, disgraceful MIL! I’d have lost my rag with her immediately.

If my parents were alive they would be over 100 years old. They never used words like that, and they would have called her out for her racism. I agree with a pp she is doing it deliberately.

Well that’s where an ultimatum is useful, isn’t it.

I would have stopped her seeing DD before now. Maybe given her one warning but no more.

I am the husband in this scenario, it is my wife's mother.

She is also a nurse who must deal with people of all races and must be reasonably professional to keep her job. So she knows it's wrong!!

You're right it is unacceptable unfortunately it and other words of similar nature were widely used in the 70s.
I'd like to have thought we'd come a long way since then.

This is bollocks.

I have had my father in law point out ‘fat people’ (his words not mine) out the car window with my daughter. I have had to have strong words and really don’t like him any way due to a variety of other reasons. I would def go down hard on her as others have suggested.

She cannot legitimately say she doesn't know it's racist, as she has been repeatedly informed that it is racist and still uses it. Agree with ultimatum.

Oh sorry!! 😅

Assumed you were a woman. Well same same I guess. What does your Wife say to her Mum?

You need to put a stop to it now, whether it’s stopping your child be around her and letting her know why, trying again to speak to her about it and warning her she has one more chance or asking your wife to issue the warning.

My Mum is 89, she would never dream of using this, is any other racist term .. it’s not been acceptable for 40 years.

I'm her age and I've never used this term! Racist and she knows it.

It doesn't matter. She went through the politically correct 90s and would be aware of legislation against that kind of language in the workplace and society. She knows it's completely inappropriate.

I would explain to her and put a stop to it asap. They’re like sponges at this age they copy and repeat everything.

Not only is it horribly racist, what actual reason is there for using a descriptor at all?

In the majority of contexts, it would be 'a woman', 'a group of men', 'a lot of people' etc, if you were commenting that you saw/met/spoke to them for whatever reason.

If you would normally say "I was talking to a woman who passed by" and not (weirdly) "I was talking to a woman wearing a blue jumper who passed by", similarly, why would you even have any need or cause to mention their skin colour - even using a respectful non-racist term?

Tell her that when your child’s nursery or infant school hear her using that word, that they will HAVE to record it as a racist incident. That’s so unfair on your daughter.

That’s disgusting, not sure if they can do anything but I’d be reporting her to her employer if she’s ever used this word while wearing her nurse uniform.

And they wonder why POC staff in the NHS complain of racist bullying? There’s no way someone like her treats Black coworkers or patients equally.

This

She's trying to get a rise out of people

at least that's one word I've not yet been called. Honestly I have only heard it in books from the 1930s.

This.
Why? She’s in her 50s? I’m 61 and know that it’s completely unacceptable.

Of course she would know, please don't think I was making excuses for her.
Just saw she's a nurse so would definitely know about equality in the work place and even casting that aside just behave like a normal human being and being respectful of others.