MIL using racist term around DD

[BurlyReptile]

I have DD 2.5yo so has got really chatty and is good at speaking and picks up on things quite quickly.

MIL frequently refers to black people using the D-word (starts with D rhymes with snarky) to refer to black people. Every time she uses it I tell her it is racist and she just says she's not meaning it in a racist way. It just seems to be how she refers to black people?? Today I snapped at her a bit more, saying it's a racist term, she knows it's racist term and by using it she is indeed being racist.

She is late 50s so it's not like she's an old 90 year old who thinks it's ok.

I am terrified that DD picks up on this and starts using it, even once would be mortifying. This has been going on since I met her (so years of her being periodically told off by me about it being racist), but now I am really keen to stamp this out around DD in particular, although preferably I'd rather she acknowledged it is racist and not use racist terms again but this is probably asking too much.

DP is generally supportive and disagrees with her saying it, but in general her side of family don't really seem to bother. They don't use it, but nobody else seems to bother that she does. Am I the one being unreasonable here? For the record we are all white.

@BurlyReptile Sorry, I jumped the gun and didn’t read all your posts, I do see now you have a DW, not a DH.

Start calling her "Thicko".
She's a rude cow, fully aware of her stupidity.

Why are you swearing at me? I'm curious where they're from. I've only heard this term from one part of the country before and wondered if it was localised or wider spread. I didn't say anything to imply it was ok.

Can you make her understand the implications on your DD if she repeats it at school - she could get into real trouble/suspended/lose or be ostracised/cancelled by friends/beat up, whatever worst cases scenarios you can think of. Just put any consequences firmly on her - hopefully guilt will be strong enough to make her stop.

Even if she doesn't care about the racism, she should care about the fact that if your daughter used a word like that in a nursery/school all hell would (rightly) be let loose and you and your DP's parenting skills would be questioned. More importantly, a child would potentially be incredibly upset.

It's irresponsible not to put your foot down here - she's not taken it on board because she doesn't see that she needs to. So put a consequence in place and put your foot down. Yes it will be socially awkward. That's fine! It's a great way to teach your daughter about setting boundaries when someone breaches our deeply-held values.

South west here, never heard it used round these parts, so guess it must be regional - not that it excuses any racist term.

The OP will have more luck educating DD that although granny is using this term, she is wrong to do so because it is offensive, eventually DD will start to correct granny which will be far more effective at changing MILs bad habit.

@ChelseaDetective · Today 23:21

That’s weird. I’m late 50’s and that’s a word my parents generation (born in the late 1920’s and all dead now) would have used

Similar age , my Grandparents (born 1901/1903) used this word (Glasgow ) but probably 125 years ago it was common use .

My Mum (in her late 80s) says "coloured" , I told her that wasn;t the preferred .term , she said it was considered rude to say 'black' but 'coloured' was polite .
He was a coloured doctor / I saw a coloured doctor , not said as offensive but descriptive . When she said "Well what should I call him then" ? .......... "oh , just the Doctor ?" maybe
I spent my early years in a very multi cultural city in the 60s/70s

But yes @BurlyReptile if your MIL is 50s she will know

Two years from now, imagine your sat at work and need to take a call from school. You have to go in and deal with your child’s racist language.

they won’t care it’s from your mil, they won’t care that you all claim to be not racist, they will label you as a racist family and that stigma will follow your child.

you absolutely need to issue an ultimatum.

It's important to nip this in the bud OP, and I agree that threatening to prevent her being with DD might be the only thing that works here.

I had an incident with my niece when she was 4 years old (she's 50 now), when I took her somewhere on the bus. At one stop a family of colour were waiting to board and my niece on seeing them through the window said loudly, "Oh, look at those d**kies". Heads turned, people loudly tutted and muttered and I was mortified, both at what she had said and that people would probably assume I was the mother. I loudly ticked her off and asked where she had heard such a horrible word. She said at school, although she wasn't at school yet. The woman in front of us turned and said "No wonder the country's going to the dogs if that's what they're teaching them in the schools".

So even back then it was considered racist, and most people in the vicinity at the time disapproved if its use, so it's hard for me to imagine that you MIL doesn't understand what she is doing.

So please ensure your DD isn't exposed to this, as children just repeat what they hear.

I knew my niece had really heard it from her vile racist father so no chance of separating her from the source, and it wasn't till she reached her late teens that his nasty views were slowly erased as she experienced more of the wider world.

*edited for typo

I'm in my early 50's and anyone using that term in front of me would get told about themselves, never mind in front of my kid!

WTF is WRONG with her?!!

I haven't heard that term in 30 years, thank God!

The emboldening of racist cunts in this country at the moment makes me sick.

At a time when people are talking about British 'Pride', so many are making me feel increasingly ashamed of us.

@BurlyReptile , oh dear that’s not very nice at all. What a difficult situation. If I were present I’d loudly say to my child ‘gosh isn’t nanny being unkind? We don’t use words like that to describe people do we?’
Your DP needs to have a word.

Sounds like my MIL OP, she has come out with allsorts over the years… the same as the word you are describing, along with the P Shop, the Ch*nky restaurant, even N brown! Again, she’s in her 60s so I’m sure most if not all of her lifetime these have being unacceptable racial slurs. Although she has always lived in a rural very ‘white’ area.
She would use these terms openly like she was unaware that it wasn’t OK and even in front of people she didn’t know to describe someone…Also as per your update OP, to unnecessarily describe someone, eg. “We went to the garden centre and this woman was there wearing the same coat as me.”
DH would roll his eyes or say “FGS Mother, you can’t say things like that!” but only after our DC were born did he have to get more firm and say any talk like that around our kids and she wouldn’t be spending time with them anymore. Then miraculously all these things she claimed that she didn’t know were wrong to say, she was able to stop! Well in front of us anyway, who knows if she still uses them in front of others!
I think @BurlyReptile that your DW needs to have some no nonsense words with her DM - tell her anymore talk like that means no visits from DGC and actually carry it through if it happens again. You can’t afford to be having a “that’s just what she’s like” attitude with young kids involved.

We moved from Twickenham to the NE in 1999 and I could hardly believe a horse at the stables was called that, so awful.

I would tell her she isn't allowed in the house if she continues to use that word.

Tell her if she says it again she won’t be seeing your child . How disgusting in this day and age for a 50 something woman to speak like this should be ashamed of herself

That’s disgusting. Im black. Its extremely offensive.

Agree with others, the last person I heard use that word was my grandad who would be 115 if he was still alive. My parents in their mid 80s never used it so no idea why your MIL would think it acceptable.

@Icanthinkformyselfthanks or "isn't nanny being racist" I don't think that's too strong a phrase although choice would be to say to her face or not. It's important for kids to know the difference between unkind words and racist words and to be able to talk about racism. My child are 9 and 11 and understand it, we have black heritage ourselves so it's just part of conversations but needs to be in every family really just like you'd teach kids about anything. If anything being able to talk openly about race as a white family is really important. Racial literacy just like learning about other topics.

I had a similar experience with my DD's step-grandmother who is in her 70s now and should know better. I repeatedly told her not to use the descriptor she said for black people (not the same one as OP) and she kept doing it. I asked my father-in-law to step in. He tried, but to no avail. So instead, every time she used the word I had to turn to DD and say, "We don't use that word to describe anybody, it's unkind". DD has a black aunt on my side of the family so it was important she understood. Thankfully, DD got it. DD is an adult now and treats people with respect.

Wow! That's absolutely shocking. I don't think I've heard that since the 1970'S 'sitcom' Love Thy Neighbour.
I would judge her harshly.
Speak up OP, advocate for your daughter here

My jaw dropped when I realised what the word was and I'm in my 50s .. Its unacceptable OP your husband needs to tell his mum if she uses that word around your daughter, she’s not seeing her

Why are you letting a racist near your child?

I think the simplest way of dealing with it is to tell her off in front of your daughter if she says it in front of your daughter.

That way even if she doesnt stop, then your daughter is at least learning that it will attract a negative response.

Gosh, I’d take such a hard line on this but I wouldn’t be sure I could trust someone who thinks this is ok around a child as I’d not trust their judgement more generally.

She is a cunt.

That's even more shocking, that she's a nurse. In that case she would definitely have done mandatory training every few years on diversity and inclusion, and she would 100% know it's not acceptable - if she used that term at work she would be disciplined.