MIL using racist term around DD

[BurlyReptile]

I have DD 2.5yo so has got really chatty and is good at speaking and picks up on things quite quickly.

MIL frequently refers to black people using the D-word (starts with D rhymes with snarky) to refer to black people. Every time she uses it I tell her it is racist and she just says she's not meaning it in a racist way. It just seems to be how she refers to black people?? Today I snapped at her a bit more, saying it's a racist term, she knows it's racist term and by using it she is indeed being racist.

She is late 50s so it's not like she's an old 90 year old who thinks it's ok.

I am terrified that DD picks up on this and starts using it, even once would be mortifying. This has been going on since I met her (so years of her being periodically told off by me about it being racist), but now I am really keen to stamp this out around DD in particular, although preferably I'd rather she acknowledged it is racist and not use racist terms again but this is probably asking too much.

DP is generally supportive and disagrees with her saying it, but in general her side of family don't really seem to bother. They don't use it, but nobody else seems to bother that she does. Am I the one being unreasonable here? For the record we are all white.

Make it clear that if your child uses that term at school or nursery (or on front of most other adults) they will be punished or at least told off for it by their teacher/nursery worker/other adult.

Ask your MIL if she wants her grandchild to be told off and be upset because of something she's taught him to say.

If my mother were still alive, she'd be 105 and much as I hated her, one thing I can say in her favour is that she was never ever racist. Nor was my father and he'd be 116! Age is no excuse whatsoever. I'm 71 and racism has always horrified me.

Why should the OP defer this to her husband? We should ALL stand up to racism.

The OP is the husband. The racist woman is his wife's mother.

This is probably one of the best responses (along with the others questioning the same thing). Today it was about one of her children's books being very diverse because it has a black person (in her word "d**e") in it. Which is in itself a somewhat racist observation to make, obviously compounded by the actual term she used.

Struggling to think of examples in the past she's referred to groups of people but it's often enough to be noticed.

That’s a good approach. Be clear that if you hear her say it one more time, you’ll be stopping her seeing her GC because you won’t allow your child to be exposed to language which could result in her being known as a racist.

but I must say that I’m incredulous that you hear her using such language frequently. What on earth sort of conversation is she having where a persons colour is worth mentioning? And frequently?

I got my FIL to stop using racist terms in front of my DCs by explaining to him that, if they repeat them in nursery/school, they'll get a telling-off.

Copied from pg 1 🤣 -

But op has been telling her for "years".
5 yrs? 10 yrs? We don't know.

The woman is clearly not listening and it doesn't sound like she has any respect for her DIL.

The husband needs to step up, support his wife and tell his Mother. Maybe she'll listen to him?

Because she's clearly taking no notice of the op.

It turns out op is male and it's his wife's mother.

Yes I have just read down the thread and caught up. Same principle though - we should all stand up to such blatant racism. It's not about passing the buck to someone else.

wtf?

I can’t believe a woman in her 50s using this language that’s appalling, I am also in my 50s. My gran used to say it but she was born in 1921 and wasn’t a native English speaker and even she stopped. You can’t risk your child using that language so you know what you need to do.

I don't see her that often as she lives a couple of hours away. Example from today is in my last post. It's not like I see her every day and she says something like this every other day, but frequently enough to be noticed on the occasions I do see her.

Sorry you have this as your mil. She must be deeply ignorant and uneducated. I'd jhtrofuce her to your friends who are Asian or black... arrange a lunch. Make her face her biggoted ideas. Even better get her along to school as a parent reader volunteer. She can then see for herself how integration works.
Embarrasing ....

Ask if she'd like to be called pastey or paley or whitey... Might help her actually have some understanding to stop it.
Have you already explained that if DD copies her at preschool and says it she'll get in trouble which is unfair on DD too?

What part of the country is your MIL.from?

Not sure I want to say but relatively rural.

For people asking why the race mention - there was a girl at my school like that. Last I heard she was a social worker. Hope she grew out of it.

She would go out of her way to use words like Black B<€#%¥]D or the P word or the N word to describe people.

She was a racist and did it for shock value and to wind people up. Same applies to Ops MIL.

But the bigger issue here is Op and his wife are complicit.

absolutely vile.

Ffs. People are getting brazen with their disgusting prejudices.

This really doesn't seem like it's going to get resolved.

Op is obviously in a difficult position.

He's been telling MIL for years. She doesn't listen/ care.

She might take more notice of her daughter. We don't know.

OP will not refuse contact (understandably this would be incredibly difficult for him to enforce). His wife will probably overrule him, as according to OP the wife's family don't seem that concerned by her language.

I'm not sure what the answer is here.

People often vote the opposite way when they think the OP is asking a stupid question.

In this case I imagine it's because she's asking if she's being unreasonable, when the answer is obvious.

It's not ok, you're right. However I would say that 90 year olds aren't necessarily more or less racist and younger people more or less educated and anti-racist so it's very important. My family are a case in point, I've never heard racist language, it's not normal. By 10 kids are using racist language in hateful ways, it would be horrible for that to be your daughter. Sadly it'll be someone's son or daughter, we all have responsibility

What the fuck difference does that make?

Racism is racism is racism.

OP wants us all to berate and psycho analyse his MIL, yes she’s awful and racist blah blah we are all agreed on that 🙄

But they are dodging the fact that he and his wife are ultimately responsible for parenting their child including what language they’re exposed to at that age.

No good will come out of this thread as he’s already said he won’t do an ultimatum. Pathetic and pointless.

I am just repeating myself now so all I’ll say at this point is shame on all 3 adults involved.

How long has she been using this word and how long have your in-laws been blasé about this casual racism?

If this was before your daughter, why did you think your daughter would grow up in a non-racist family, when casual racism has always been present?

Tell her you dd will get into trouble at nursery or school if she copies that language.