Drama with partners bf caused partner to leave me hanging?!

[Sunriselillyflower]

Hi all name changed for this one , dont want to be outted

So, for some context partner goes for a drink every other Friday evening with best friend in town straight after work.
It's his routine always has been and I've always been fine about it. I have my own routines with my friends & it's one of the things I liked when we met he just accepted my need for my nights with friends , I accepted his.
I just want to put that there as to be clear him seeing his mate after wok is not the issue.

So he normally does this from around 5 till 8 ish goes home has a shower , changes, comes to mine for either a take away , quiet night in or takes me out on a date, normally whatever I choose.

We have proper dates etc in between that obviously and spent quality time together regularly.

So yesterday evening he goes on his usual fortnightly meet up with friend

Before he meets friend we had both decided that I was going to cook quite a complicated dish that we had both decided on , he was really looking forward to this and said I'll bring the wine on way back from seeing friend ( he has done this b4)
We all live in the same town so in close proximity so is the pub ( for context)

I will now give a timeline of what happens next

Fast forward to 7pm he msgs to say can't wait to see you , missing you , doing my mates head in talking about you see you soon , be with you by 8. 30pm at the latest, love you x

He then txt at 8.30pm saying something bad has happened with his friend.
His friend is in trouble and there's drama. He says sorry I'm late I'll tell you all about it as soon as I get to yours.

Half an hour goes by...

So I'm actually hungry by this point but would rather wait for him to eat , meal is ready but can easily be heated back up

He then txts again explaining what has happened, his friend has been caught out messaging another one if thier friends wife's ( this apparently is the first my partner has heard of this and I believe him)
He goes on to tell me the other friend ( with wife) turned up to the pub he knows there at and went to punch the friend who has been messaging wife of other friend.
He explains it all in txt and says he's with them both now trying to cool things down and feels he can't leave until he takes married friend home as he's in a state

I txt back that I understand and I just hope he's ok , I was genuinely worried for my partners safety.

He txt back again he loves me and can't wait to see me & sorry about all this

He then rings and says I've got to get my friend home he's not in a good way ( married one) I'm sorry ill be over to yours straight after. I love you

This is now 9. 45 pm

Then nothing for over 2 hours 😒

Its 11.50pm by now , I was absolutely worried sick 😫 allsorts of things were going through my mind, my anxiety was off the hook.

He also knows I have work in the morning and have a double shift .

I txt one message in these two hours saying please let me know your safe and OK I'm worried about you.

I try calling him once and no answer.

It is now nearly midnight , I haven't eaten, couldn't eat as anxious, feel worried and let down I haven't had an update, but also understanding something bad could of happened.

I decide to cover and refrigerate food and go to bed as I have to be up so early for work in the morning & try to get some sleep

I'm lying in bed worried sick and I get a text msg at 12.40am and it's so casual it was almost piss takey .
No apology amd no explanation.

Just this :

I am at Lukes house now having a few beers with him. I'm safe .... Is it too late to come around ?

My reply:

I am in bed and going to sleep as I have work early as you know , glad your safe and ok, if your coming around it will be to go to bed straight away, too late for food now x

I hear nothing

I try my hardest to fall asleep.

I manage to get some sleep and I'm woken by a txt msg at 2am saying the following:

I feel bad , I really do x

Now I'm reeling, I just keep thinking if you feel bad , you really do , you would of let me know you were not coming arohnd or given me some kind of update much earlier than you did, I get it things come up but he is sat having beers with his friend,knowing I cooked and was waiting for him, he also knows I worry!

Obviously I'm happy he is safe as I was so worried but now I'm quite disappointed by his lack of communication as the night progressed 😞

I did not respond to this msg & I've drifted in and out of sleep

I won't see my partner till Tuesday as I am working all over the bank holiday he knows all of this

AIBU to think this was actually a piss take and my kindness & understanding has been taken for weakness or am I just tired , hungry, cranky and being ott?

I would really appreciate other's opinions here

Nope sorry, he was keeping you updated throughout you knew there was a situation he was handling which is why he went quiet. I don’t see why you needed to continue to have hourly text reports

most men go out with their friends and have fun without checking in at all. I am not sure why this situation made you so anxious. You knew why he was late / not coming, you knew it was due to his friend being caught out having an affair, he had ben in touch earlier in the night plenty of times so why would you be worried sick? I think your reaction is OTT personally and I can’t fathom how assisting his friend in this situation amounts to him taking the piss out of your kindness?

id have eaten gone to bed and looked forward to hearing about the drama the next day.

Thanks for this , so the 2 hour gap of not letting you know whether he was safe or not wouldn't bother you? Out of interest

Your BF was helping a mate out in a crisis. It was pretty obvious that he’d likely not be coming round. Either that, or they were all on the lash and he couldn’t be bothered coming round. I’d just make sure that on the nights he goes out with his friends you don’t make arrangements to see him later.

Why would he Not be safe though?

Because during the phonecall he made it pretty clear there was going to be some big fight between these men if he doesn't get other friend home safely

I agree with PP. He was in the middle of his friendship group imploding, due to the actions of his best friend.
He was having a drink with a friend who was probably heart broken having just found out about the betrayal of his wife and his friend.

He kept you up to date regularly, but in the middle of all that there's going to be moments where reaching for his phone to text you would have been difficult.

He was supporting a friend, not just out partying.

It wasn't obvious he was not coming as he continued to say see you soon in every update including the phone call

Assuming the story about the friends and the pub are true, then I don’t actually see anything wrong with his behaviour, other than him being overly optimistic about whether he’d still be able to see you, which was probably driven by the fact he really did want to see you. When he realised that his 2nd friend was freaking out about his wife possibly cheating on him with first friend, the right thing to do was to stay with second friend, get him home, try to calm him down, etc. He wouldn’t be much of a person if he said to his friend “sorry you are in the midst of a crisis, but my girlfriend is cooking for me, gotta go”. He kept you informed throughout, including calling not just texting. There was no reason for you to be worried about his safety that I can see. When you spoke at 9:30pm, or whenever it was, you probably should both have agreed that it wasn’t going to work out that night, and reschedule.

I’m sorry about your ruined night and it’s disappointing when plans you’ve looked forward to don’t work out, but if the relationship is otherwise good, I’d react to this b being understanding and glad he is a good friend, not making it all about you.

Of course if you think the whole thing was an elaborate pack of lies because he was out with mates having fun and decided to ditch your evening for no reason, that’s a different problem.

Thank you for this

Did you miss that he was supposed to come round at about 10pm and instead he went for drinks with a friend and didn't tell her til nearly midnight?

I would be a bitpissed like you but also it was a night that changed dramatically without being his fault. What would you have e done in his shoes?

Honestly, you fussing about whether he was safe is silly and a red herring. He's an adult and there was no reason to think he wasn't safe. Be angry with him for not turning up and going for drinks with friends by all means but making it about his safety is silly.

I suppose he could have said to the sparring friends “guys, please hold off being angry at each other for 5 minutes. I’ve got to text my gf”.

Being frustrated at the situation is fine, your plans were messed around by the situation. However your bf was trying to do his best to calm things down (which is admirable) and wouldn’t have been able to appease your anxieties at that time.

I would have supported my married friend just as he did , I love that part of his personality. He is loyal. However I would of said on the phone I won't be coming around now I've got to stay with friend , apologise and see them when I can nxt.
I wouldn't of said I'll see you soon I guess but like another person has commented he may have been overly optimistic about seeing me or having time to see me and I get this too

It's not a red herring at all. I genuinely was worried about the fighting part , I am a worrier , this is true, he knows this

Yes, because it isn't there

Haha obviously I didn't expect a txt while he was doing this. But maybe just one txt during the two hour gap between taking friend from pub to his house where like I have said we all live very close to wouldn't helped. Just a txt to say I won't be coming , ImSafe . I don't think that's unreasonable actually

Hindsight’s a beautiful thing but we’ve all had those nights where things didn’t go to plan… the only thing that could’ve gone different was him telling you to eat earlier when it was clear his plans had been derailed.

It is v clear to see that your partner has been a good friend, communicated clearly with you when he could and was apologetic to you as well as caring and calming for his friend.

I think here you just say: I was mainly a bit grumpy because I had cooked and you kept saying see you soon, so I also didn’t eat. If anything comes up again when you’re at the pub I think I will assume you’re not coming over and eat. Although I’m really assuming this is a one off, both the blow up and cancelling on me!

that is fair I think.

Thank you

Not an ideal night all round, but as a one off I wouldn’t have got that worked up. It does make you sound like hard work.

I don't think he has done anything wrong at all.

Stuff went down and he told you this.

None of this is worth getting angry about. It's not and was not about you OP.

Agree with previous posters. I think your partner was overly optimistic about being able to see you, and could have communicated better. He no doubt had every intention of resolving things and coming to see you later but misjudged it.

I wouldn’t have liked to be in your position but I would let it go as a one off.

Absolutely. He does sound like a good partner in general though, texting you to say he misses you etc.

At this point in time his focus was on the immediate situation in front of him - calming his friend. The opportunity to text you might not have arisen.

As I said before, be pissed off at the situation. I would be. But your bf did the best he could in a stressful situation to deal with what was a ruined Friday night for him too. You’ve both lost out on a nice Friday night together, he seems as annoyed as you about it.

Focus on the positives he has shown tonight, he’s mature and has tried to deal with the situation the best he could to calm things down. Yes, he could have communicated better but it might not have been appropriate. He’s showing a lot of good points here, it does look like overall you’ve found a good ‘un!

This all sounds very complicated, things happen and yes in an ideal world people work to a timetable and be exactly where they will say they will be and people dont get sidetracked when out with friends but I would have just gone to bed he is is adult and I wouldnt want my husband to wait up for me like a teenager and I wouldn't do the same for him

Why did all thia long drawn out drama have to happen?