Drama with partners bf caused partner to leave me hanging?!

[Sunriselillyflower]

Hi all name changed for this one , dont want to be outted

So, for some context partner goes for a drink every other Friday evening with best friend in town straight after work.
It's his routine always has been and I've always been fine about it. I have my own routines with my friends & it's one of the things I liked when we met he just accepted my need for my nights with friends , I accepted his.
I just want to put that there as to be clear him seeing his mate after wok is not the issue.

So he normally does this from around 5 till 8 ish goes home has a shower , changes, comes to mine for either a take away , quiet night in or takes me out on a date, normally whatever I choose.

We have proper dates etc in between that obviously and spent quality time together regularly.

So yesterday evening he goes on his usual fortnightly meet up with friend

Before he meets friend we had both decided that I was going to cook quite a complicated dish that we had both decided on , he was really looking forward to this and said I'll bring the wine on way back from seeing friend ( he has done this b4)
We all live in the same town so in close proximity so is the pub ( for context)

I will now give a timeline of what happens next

Fast forward to 7pm he msgs to say can't wait to see you , missing you , doing my mates head in talking about you see you soon , be with you by 8. 30pm at the latest, love you x

He then txt at 8.30pm saying something bad has happened with his friend.
His friend is in trouble and there's drama. He says sorry I'm late I'll tell you all about it as soon as I get to yours.

Half an hour goes by...

So I'm actually hungry by this point but would rather wait for him to eat , meal is ready but can easily be heated back up

He then txts again explaining what has happened, his friend has been caught out messaging another one if thier friends wife's ( this apparently is the first my partner has heard of this and I believe him)
He goes on to tell me the other friend ( with wife) turned up to the pub he knows there at and went to punch the friend who has been messaging wife of other friend.
He explains it all in txt and says he's with them both now trying to cool things down and feels he can't leave until he takes married friend home as he's in a state

I txt back that I understand and I just hope he's ok , I was genuinely worried for my partners safety.

He txt back again he loves me and can't wait to see me & sorry about all this

He then rings and says I've got to get my friend home he's not in a good way ( married one) I'm sorry ill be over to yours straight after. I love you

This is now 9. 45 pm

Then nothing for over 2 hours 😒

Its 11.50pm by now , I was absolutely worried sick 😫 allsorts of things were going through my mind, my anxiety was off the hook.

He also knows I have work in the morning and have a double shift .

I txt one message in these two hours saying please let me know your safe and OK I'm worried about you.

I try calling him once and no answer.

It is now nearly midnight , I haven't eaten, couldn't eat as anxious, feel worried and let down I haven't had an update, but also understanding something bad could of happened.

I decide to cover and refrigerate food and go to bed as I have to be up so early for work in the morning & try to get some sleep

I'm lying in bed worried sick and I get a text msg at 12.40am and it's so casual it was almost piss takey .
No apology amd no explanation.

Just this :

I am at Lukes house now having a few beers with him. I'm safe .... Is it too late to come around ?

My reply:

I am in bed and going to sleep as I have work early as you know , glad your safe and ok, if your coming around it will be to go to bed straight away, too late for food now x

I hear nothing

I try my hardest to fall asleep.

I manage to get some sleep and I'm woken by a txt msg at 2am saying the following:

I feel bad , I really do x

Now I'm reeling, I just keep thinking if you feel bad , you really do , you would of let me know you were not coming arohnd or given me some kind of update much earlier than you did, I get it things come up but he is sat having beers with his friend,knowing I cooked and was waiting for him, he also knows I worry!

Obviously I'm happy he is safe as I was so worried but now I'm quite disappointed by his lack of communication as the night progressed 😞

I did not respond to this msg & I've drifted in and out of sleep

I won't see my partner till Tuesday as I am working all over the bank holiday he knows all of this

AIBU to think this was actually a piss take and my kindness & understanding has been taken for weakness or am I just tired , hungry, cranky and being ott?

I would really appreciate other's opinions here

I think after the first hour at his mates it would have been obvious he wasn't going to make it to you and should have messaged you sorry I know you have work tomorrow I'm not going to make it over

But apparently that's just me

He was keeping you updated but clearly if he’s with 2 mates who are likely to punch the shit out of each other his focus is there and not updating you.

He actually sounds like a decent bloke - loyal friend and good partner.

I’ve read your original post again OP. Your date night is after your partner get back from the pub, 8pm. Presumably you then have to drive or make your way to a restaurant if you go out on a date ? Meaning by the time you get a table and actually eat it must be really rushed and be getting close to 9pm?

I personally couldn’t eat that late or enjoy a date evening, I’d be looking at re- scheduling a date night for when both you and your partner are both free and not after he’s been to the pub.

Agree that once you knew he was embroiled in the friends' drama you should have texted to say "no worries, do what you have to do. I'm going to eat and go to bed. Good luck!"

And then done just that. It was a bit unrealistic to think he could sort all that friend drama and still make it to your house for food.
If he had turned up at midnight would your post have been a complaint about that?

And the worrying about his safety was a bit OTT. As others have said, he's a grown adult and, unless he has form for drinking too much & putting himself in unsafe situations, he doesn't need you to worry about him in that way.

The OP’s partner may sound like a decent bloke but his best friend doesn’t ! His best mate caused all this drama and roped his mate into it.
Also if the bloke who’s wife was being texted turned up at the pub to have a fight, presumably the police would be called and he’d be done for assault?

Pub fights are so 1970s..! Blokes can’t get away with that now with cctv and social
media everywhere!

Tbh at the 9pm call when he was still dealing with married friend I would've said leave coming over tonight you've got other things to deal with, knowing you had to go to bed at a reasonable time for work in the morning. Then I would've eaten. If he was still at his friend's at 9 he's not getting to you before ten earliest and that's too late for dinner in my book. I think he was just hoping he could still get there but you can't just leave a friend in that state. People saying he went for a drink with friend two, it's not that simple is it, I imagine friend two was devastated, it's not like he prioritised having fun with friends.

Sounds like he was trying to please everyone and was over ambitious about being able to make it over to see you.
id let this one slide, he communicated very well under the circumstances I think, unfortunately you should probably take responsibility for getting yourself worked up rather than blaming him for that, he had no control or intention of making you stressed really.
he sounds like a really good guy, give him a break

It would have been better to have your dinner, cover up the rest and refrigerate when cold, and go to bed

Peak Mumsnet.
The OP sounds like hard work.

You were so worried about his safety and anxious over this? Gosh…you are a bit much

It's fine that you like having all his attention, but this really wasn't the time for you to keep being so constantly demanding. I would have thought he was just losing track of time because of all the drama and got on with my evening. When he didn't say he'd cancel due to the ongoing issue, you could also have cancelled and then taken yourself off to bed.

I'm just interested what the "complicated" dish was

Spaghetti😂 poor op didnt even eat it from all the worrying 🫣

OP yes I’m afraid I think YABU. And that was a very long post for a very simple scenario which suggests to me that you are an over thinker and chronic worrier. And that’s exhausting - for you and your other half.

What would I have done? Eaten the food, sent a text saying “Hope you and Dave are ok. I’m off to bed. Don’t worry about coming over as I’m knackered, see you Tuesday. Love you! Xxx” and gone to bed and slept.

I’m also here for the “complicated dish”.

He was regularly updating you. All you had to do was say, 'hope everything gets sorted. Text me when you have time.' And enjoyed your dinner with a nice film/show. To say you were worried for his safety is a bit excessive. In any case, what could you have done if he did say things were getting rough?
He actually explained the whole situation via text, which is thoughtful. Sometimes people just say a situation has come up and provide the details later. He was also apologetic. What more do you want? He wasn't enjoying beers and partying. Surely he was trying to comfort a friend over some drinks. He can't be worrying about your dinner at that point! Sounds so petty and self-centred!
Hopefully you aren't going to be pissed off at him today and spoil yet another day.

Wouldn’t bother me. Extenuating circumstances, not usual behaviour.

Hoops?

I do actually think his communication was crap (especially everything after 9:45pm) but I think your reaction was disproportionate and probably a result of some anxiety issues on your part?

I think if you can take a deep breath, own and let go of the additional anxiety that you added, you'll be in a better position to ask him to communicate more clearly next time.

In the early days of my relationship I can see myself reacting like you did. Now we've been together for 25 years, I'd just see it as a chance of a nice, early night!

Best thing for him to do would have been to cancel the meet up with you earlier. I know what he was doing. I’m a people pleaser and would also try to keep you happy too, but sometimes trying to please people backfires. I think when the situation became clear, he should have just told you he wouldn’t be round as he would be focussing on supporting his friend, and that he would update you in the morning.

What a lot of drama (assuming he's telling the truth and not just getting pissed with his mates and feeding you a lot of bull💩!)

I would probably have told him to stay with his mate and sort it out and not come over, had my dinner and gone to bed. Not sure why you were so anxious about his safety, he's a grown man and wasn't in danger. I'd have been slightly annoyed that I'd cooked a nice meal and he'd not turned up but I wouldn't have been worried about him!

Personally I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, he kept you updated but couldn’t exactly sit on the phone messaging you when things were happening.

I think he was joking about coming over to try make the situation light hearted.

If I were you then yes I’d be a bit grumpy about the night not going as planned but I’d also understand that this was out of his control and not a regular occurrence. I would have also messaged him earlier and explain thag we’d catch up another night.

as a one off he hasn’t done anything wrong. The night took an unexpected turn and he felt the need to manage that and let you know.
I would have eaten the food and portioned his up for either when he got back or the next day. And watched tv /chilled.
if he wasn’t back at the time I planned to go to bed I’d have messaged saying “going bed, you stop at yours tonight and will catch up tomorrow. Hope everything is going ok. “

Man arrives and says “I slayed a dragon on my way”

Supportive partner says with a smile “My love, you are a hero”
Stupid partner says with a frowned face “Maybe but you’re late and you didn’t text ME first!”

You choose who you want to be, loving or self-centred.

It all sounds very dramatic! Are you sure the story is true?
If it is true, I don't see how he's done anything wrong but it does seem a bit OTT.

Why would your boyfriend NOT be safe? Where/what would be the danger?

He should have let you know he wasn't coming- it's miserable waiting up for someone who then doesn't even show up.

A message at 10 saying he wasn't coming would have been fine. Letting you stew until gone midnight was thoughtless, especially when you had to be up early for work.

However, if this is out of character, I would let it go - it sounds like he got caught up on the drama, and probably had a few drinks more than he was intending, and lost track of time.