Drama with partners bf caused partner to leave me hanging?!

[Sunriselillyflower]

Hi all name changed for this one , dont want to be outted

So, for some context partner goes for a drink every other Friday evening with best friend in town straight after work.
It's his routine always has been and I've always been fine about it. I have my own routines with my friends & it's one of the things I liked when we met he just accepted my need for my nights with friends , I accepted his.
I just want to put that there as to be clear him seeing his mate after wok is not the issue.

So he normally does this from around 5 till 8 ish goes home has a shower , changes, comes to mine for either a take away , quiet night in or takes me out on a date, normally whatever I choose.

We have proper dates etc in between that obviously and spent quality time together regularly.

So yesterday evening he goes on his usual fortnightly meet up with friend

Before he meets friend we had both decided that I was going to cook quite a complicated dish that we had both decided on , he was really looking forward to this and said I'll bring the wine on way back from seeing friend ( he has done this b4)
We all live in the same town so in close proximity so is the pub ( for context)

I will now give a timeline of what happens next

Fast forward to 7pm he msgs to say can't wait to see you , missing you , doing my mates head in talking about you see you soon , be with you by 8. 30pm at the latest, love you x

He then txt at 8.30pm saying something bad has happened with his friend.
His friend is in trouble and there's drama. He says sorry I'm late I'll tell you all about it as soon as I get to yours.

Half an hour goes by...

So I'm actually hungry by this point but would rather wait for him to eat , meal is ready but can easily be heated back up

He then txts again explaining what has happened, his friend has been caught out messaging another one if thier friends wife's ( this apparently is the first my partner has heard of this and I believe him)
He goes on to tell me the other friend ( with wife) turned up to the pub he knows there at and went to punch the friend who has been messaging wife of other friend.
He explains it all in txt and says he's with them both now trying to cool things down and feels he can't leave until he takes married friend home as he's in a state

I txt back that I understand and I just hope he's ok , I was genuinely worried for my partners safety.

He txt back again he loves me and can't wait to see me & sorry about all this

He then rings and says I've got to get my friend home he's not in a good way ( married one) I'm sorry ill be over to yours straight after. I love you

This is now 9. 45 pm

Then nothing for over 2 hours 😒

Its 11.50pm by now , I was absolutely worried sick 😫 allsorts of things were going through my mind, my anxiety was off the hook.

He also knows I have work in the morning and have a double shift .

I txt one message in these two hours saying please let me know your safe and OK I'm worried about you.

I try calling him once and no answer.

It is now nearly midnight , I haven't eaten, couldn't eat as anxious, feel worried and let down I haven't had an update, but also understanding something bad could of happened.

I decide to cover and refrigerate food and go to bed as I have to be up so early for work in the morning & try to get some sleep

I'm lying in bed worried sick and I get a text msg at 12.40am and it's so casual it was almost piss takey .
No apology amd no explanation.

Just this :

I am at Lukes house now having a few beers with him. I'm safe .... Is it too late to come around ?

My reply:

I am in bed and going to sleep as I have work early as you know , glad your safe and ok, if your coming around it will be to go to bed straight away, too late for food now x

I hear nothing

I try my hardest to fall asleep.

I manage to get some sleep and I'm woken by a txt msg at 2am saying the following:

I feel bad , I really do x

Now I'm reeling, I just keep thinking if you feel bad , you really do , you would of let me know you were not coming arohnd or given me some kind of update much earlier than you did, I get it things come up but he is sat having beers with his friend,knowing I cooked and was waiting for him, he also knows I worry!

Obviously I'm happy he is safe as I was so worried but now I'm quite disappointed by his lack of communication as the night progressed 😞

I did not respond to this msg & I've drifted in and out of sleep

I won't see my partner till Tuesday as I am working all over the bank holiday he knows all of this

AIBU to think this was actually a piss take and my kindness & understanding has been taken for weakness or am I just tired , hungry, cranky and being ott?

I would really appreciate other's opinions here

She knew what was happening. And that it was likely not the most stable of situations. Those things change. BF is a grown man. Her reaction was over the top & the anxiety about it(being a worrier to that degree) something to look at & improve on? Because that is not a nice set of feelings to have at all & very stressful obviously.

That's not quite the whole truth, though, is it? It was drinks with a friend who was having a major crisis. He had to play the situation by ear.

You're making a huge fuss about nothing. I'd take a step back, you're being very needy.

(Irrelevant to the thread but you lost me at 'he takes me out on a date'. Unless you're living in the 1960's this is quite sad).

Do you mean that the woman (who wasn't directly involved) should have automatically understood that the man (who was there, making decisions) had underestimated the situation, and that every time he told her he'd be round soon, she should have realised that of course he wouldn't?

If this was a story about her sister rather than her boyfriend, I think the responses would be completely different.

You sound needy and controlling here. Is that something you’re aware of? I say this from someone who has been like this before. He’s done nothing wrong and actually went above and beyond to try and keep everyone happy

Ok, but I still think when he hadn't shown up by 10 pm the OP should have called it & gone to bed.

When you are waiting for someone time goes so slowly but no doubt for the partner caught up in that drama with a couple of drinks inside him it was a different story & he totally lost track of it.

If I was hungry I’d have eaten, if I was tired I’d have gone to bed …. I wouldn’t have been hanging round waiting for someone to do these things with.

Very well put

Yeah, exactly this

Unless hes given you reason to think him a liar, you're gonna have to let it go op x

I can't believe 19% have voted YANBU.

I’m amazed at the responses.

@Sunriselillyflower I don’t think you are being unreasonable in the slightest. I think he sounds like an immature & selfish man, and cannot see any reason why he decided to prioritise this ‘drama’ (🙄) over a planned evening with you, and having done so, failed to properly communicate & then woke you up with late texts, knowing you’d to work today.

I do agree your worry about him being safe sounds OTT but the comments here about you being needy, controlling etc are mental.

He rang you at 9.45 to say he was getting his friend home from the pub and he would be at yours straight after. If his friend lives locally then I'd expect him over by 10.30.

Yes in this situation I'd be pissed off. To go from regular updates and a definite time to be home, to nothing, is annoying. If his friend was emotional and he decided to stay it's fine to tell his friend that he is happy to stay but just needs to let his gf know as is meant to be at hers. Or bit to the toilet to message if he felt like that was rude (surely if they'd all been drinking they would have had toilet breaks).

And all the people laughing at you worrying about 'something happening'...its not unheard of for men to get caught in the crossfire of someone else's fight, or get hurt trying to break up a fight, and he was out with two drunk and upset men who have reason to hate each other.

And I can’t believe ONLY 19% voted YANBU

You need to stop thinking the worst will happen.
They are 3 grown men having a little drama whist probably drunk.
I bet they actually enjoyed the drama and he didnt really give you much of a thought at all. He probably got caught up in it all.
Its very predictable and sad.
He didnt care enough to go to yours. Or have the balls to just say im not coming round .

I think you’re being a bit needy.

This 100%
But im in my 40s and learnt a long time ago that drunk people love drama.
And when men are lying about what time they will be home.

One or both of you should have called the dinner off earlier. I suspect he didn’t call off the dinner earlier because he knew you wouldn’t have taken it well and he chose to string you along because it was easier.

The constant updates from him (keeping you sweet) and your anxiety over him being safe, suggests a dynamic that serves neither of you particularly well.

‘Major crisis’? I had to re-read the OP to check I hadn’t missed something.

There was a fallout over an affair. It’s not any kind of a crisis. Absolutely OP’s BF can help as needed, but I fail to see why the whole evening with OP had to be jettisoned, and why if it did, he didn’t call it at an appropriate point and not leave OP hanging, then to disturb her with later texts

To be honest I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who has such high anxiety levels. This sounds like a genuine emergency and you seem to have made it all about your needs and your anxiety levels.

Stuff happens, I work in a job where an emergency can happen and I have to change plans at the last minute. He communicated pretty well with you, you know a lot of the detail of what was happening.

have you considered some therapy for your anxiety? It sounds like you spiraled out of control - and got stuck in a worst case scenario.

Maybe it's time to start working on your anxiety.

He was being a loyal friend, which is a good quality to have.

I’d have assumed he was looking after his friend, talking to him, listening to his mate.

He told you what was going on. Shit happens and the fact that he was concerned for a mate says good things about him (even if his friend is an idiot).

He's not responsible for your anxiety.

I know what it's like but you need to find ways to manage it yourself instead of expecting your dp to always be accommodating your anxiety even when he's in the middle of a crisis.

I wouldn’t expect him to keep texting me, no. I would have just accepted by 10pm ish he wasn’t coming and eaten the food. He’s a grown man, no need to be worried about his safety.

In this situation, he did the right thing, he should get a “well done” reaction, it’s not a forced narrative, just fair.

I don’t deplore that men have main character energy as much as I deplore that women don’t have it enough, the spirit should be about building it in ourselves rather than shutting it down in others

And if we set the sexes aside, my reaction stands, if gf is suddenly involved in a similar situation, the bf at home shouldn’t react like that, when your partner tries to do good, support them by being flexible and don’t get all insecure

Agree the red flag is making your anxiety other people’s responsibility.

He knows you are a worrier shouldn’t mean he has to pander to your need for constant updates. You can’t put your monkey on his back.

if this was the other way around and a woman had been out for a drink with a friend whose marriage fell apart there is no way it would be considered acceptable for the man to respond in the way you did. People would be calling him controlling, red flags, ducks in a row and freedom programme would all be mentioned.