Drama with partners bf caused partner to leave me hanging?!

[Sunriselillyflower]

Hi all name changed for this one , dont want to be outted

So, for some context partner goes for a drink every other Friday evening with best friend in town straight after work.
It's his routine always has been and I've always been fine about it. I have my own routines with my friends & it's one of the things I liked when we met he just accepted my need for my nights with friends , I accepted his.
I just want to put that there as to be clear him seeing his mate after wok is not the issue.

So he normally does this from around 5 till 8 ish goes home has a shower , changes, comes to mine for either a take away , quiet night in or takes me out on a date, normally whatever I choose.

We have proper dates etc in between that obviously and spent quality time together regularly.

So yesterday evening he goes on his usual fortnightly meet up with friend

Before he meets friend we had both decided that I was going to cook quite a complicated dish that we had both decided on , he was really looking forward to this and said I'll bring the wine on way back from seeing friend ( he has done this b4)
We all live in the same town so in close proximity so is the pub ( for context)

I will now give a timeline of what happens next

Fast forward to 7pm he msgs to say can't wait to see you , missing you , doing my mates head in talking about you see you soon , be with you by 8. 30pm at the latest, love you x

He then txt at 8.30pm saying something bad has happened with his friend.
His friend is in trouble and there's drama. He says sorry I'm late I'll tell you all about it as soon as I get to yours.

Half an hour goes by...

So I'm actually hungry by this point but would rather wait for him to eat , meal is ready but can easily be heated back up

He then txts again explaining what has happened, his friend has been caught out messaging another one if thier friends wife's ( this apparently is the first my partner has heard of this and I believe him)
He goes on to tell me the other friend ( with wife) turned up to the pub he knows there at and went to punch the friend who has been messaging wife of other friend.
He explains it all in txt and says he's with them both now trying to cool things down and feels he can't leave until he takes married friend home as he's in a state

I txt back that I understand and I just hope he's ok , I was genuinely worried for my partners safety.

He txt back again he loves me and can't wait to see me & sorry about all this

He then rings and says I've got to get my friend home he's not in a good way ( married one) I'm sorry ill be over to yours straight after. I love you

This is now 9. 45 pm

Then nothing for over 2 hours 😒

Its 11.50pm by now , I was absolutely worried sick 😫 allsorts of things were going through my mind, my anxiety was off the hook.

He also knows I have work in the morning and have a double shift .

I txt one message in these two hours saying please let me know your safe and OK I'm worried about you.

I try calling him once and no answer.

It is now nearly midnight , I haven't eaten, couldn't eat as anxious, feel worried and let down I haven't had an update, but also understanding something bad could of happened.

I decide to cover and refrigerate food and go to bed as I have to be up so early for work in the morning & try to get some sleep

I'm lying in bed worried sick and I get a text msg at 12.40am and it's so casual it was almost piss takey .
No apology amd no explanation.

Just this :

I am at Lukes house now having a few beers with him. I'm safe .... Is it too late to come around ?

My reply:

I am in bed and going to sleep as I have work early as you know , glad your safe and ok, if your coming around it will be to go to bed straight away, too late for food now x

I hear nothing

I try my hardest to fall asleep.

I manage to get some sleep and I'm woken by a txt msg at 2am saying the following:

I feel bad , I really do x

Now I'm reeling, I just keep thinking if you feel bad , you really do , you would of let me know you were not coming arohnd or given me some kind of update much earlier than you did, I get it things come up but he is sat having beers with his friend,knowing I cooked and was waiting for him, he also knows I worry!

Obviously I'm happy he is safe as I was so worried but now I'm quite disappointed by his lack of communication as the night progressed 😞

I did not respond to this msg & I've drifted in and out of sleep

I won't see my partner till Tuesday as I am working all over the bank holiday he knows all of this

AIBU to think this was actually a piss take and my kindness & understanding has been taken for weakness or am I just tired , hungry, cranky and being ott?

I would really appreciate other's opinions here

He was dealing with an upset friend, would you just leave your married mate who had found out her partner was cheating?

I wouldn’t, I’d support them.

Such a lot of drama. I think he has lapped up the drama with his friends and sounds inconsiderate. I think you've made yourself a martyr.

When it passed 9pm and he was still texting with all the "I am so desperately needed to prevent an enormous scary fight", the sensible thing would have been to take control and say "it's too late to eat this meal now and I have work in the morning. See you next week". You didn't need to worry about him because he's a grown man and not in danger.

He was inconsiderate and rude. But I think the fact you're tired and and hungry is because you chose not to eat and because you chose not to switch your phone on silent and go to bed at a decent time.

I find it strange there was no phone call at all. I’d have expected that initial contact to be a phone call and then fair enough, text updates later. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but at my jaded stage I’d have eaten my dinner and gone to bed much earlier! When you see him on Tuesday you may be able to get a better idea of it all by his face and your gut instincts.

I don't think he's done anything wrong either. 2 hours is nothing, especially as he was dealing with such drama. You're making a big deal of nothing.

But would your message at 9.45 have read "X is in a bad way, I'm going to have to stay with him. Sorry to mess up your evening, make it up to you tomorrow?" Or would you have said you'd be straight round, then gone radio silence til after midnight?

If he wanted to support him, fine. Ring OP, explain, apologise & properly call off the arrangement for the evening.

Don't leave her hanging all night.

She didnt have to hang she could have got on with her night then went to bed like an adult

I'd wouldn't have seen any possibility of him being able to untangle himself out of that mess in time to come over to mine that night (unless I was OK with him coming over in the early hours) bar him being a shit friend and just abandoning the situation to come over to mine which wouldn't show him to be a v good man

@Sunriselillyflower he was enjoying himself and wanted to stay out.
He chose that over plans with you and let you down . It’s that simple or he wouldn’t have been txting shit randomly every few hours .
It’s not a reason it’s excuses .

how long have you been together ? Is he now showing you who he is and not on his best behaviour anymore .

If I had to worry whether the bloke I was seeing was going to be in a fight, I wouldn’t be seeing him again. Seriously? You’re ok to be with someone who fights?!

This is all unnecessarily dramatic. Why didn’t you just tell him to go and sort his friend out and that you’d see him on Tuesday as planned? Then eat your dinner and go to bed. All this angst about texts and phone calls is bonkers. I’d have been pissed off with him for waking me with texts in the middle of the night.

He did nothing wrong and I’d be annoyed about all the texts you were sending

YANBU

Things obviously got out of hand last night, and your BF was clearly a bit drunk and being a bit of a pillock.

In that state it’s easy to not think about a partner (you in this case) having to be up very early to do a very long shift. This is what happens when alcohol is involved.

Hope you get through the day ok 🌹🌺🌷

I totally agree!
Fine that he supported his mate initially but to keep dangling the carrot saying he’d be round soon but instead stayed and drank beers and then messaging you when you’d told him you were in bed and he knew you had to work today/the weekend, is shitty.

Once I realised it was a full blown drama, I’d have eaten my food, done my own thing and gone to bed.

He’s an adult man, what’s there to worry about? He wasn’t in trouble with the police or anything…

What is the problem? Plans sometimes change. I'd have told him at 9pm to stay look after his pal, I'd see him tomorrow.
Did you expect him to leave early anyway?

It’s a bit tricky when he’s planning two nights out in one night. The first part didn’t go To plan and he was delayed, shit happens. We all support our friends especially in times of need, sounds like the friend, albeit he’s a cheat, needed his beat friend, I’d never leave by best friend in these instances either. He/you should have called it, fridges the food, you get yourself some food and an early night (double shift … 15/16 hours?!) and got a decent night sleep - your boyfriend, unless he’s a school child, would be fine, unless he hangs around with particularly ruthless thugs/gangs?!

This ☝🏻

Please don't add to his stresses by making a song and a dance out of this.

Op another one here to say he doesn’t sound like he did anything wrong. I’m sure he hoped he’d actually get to see you. Yes he should have made that judgement much earlier in night when it all kicked off with friends and let you know he wouldn’t be seeing you but he had been drinking!
Tbh though in future why don’t you not cook meals and ask him to bring take away in on those boy nights? Just take stress off you. Cook on a different night with less chance of chaos!

It doesn’t. I wasn’t the one who 🤮ed.

@Sunriselillyflower i don’t know if this has been mentioned, but your worrying is for you to manage, not him.

it’s not to say that you weren’t upset by this situation, but this is a storm in a teacup. I also agree with pp that he should be having the run of the evening with his frien and not reporting back to hq

YABU for refrigerating the food... should have eaten it all with out the twat.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned hangry woman.

I would have had some food and got into bed to watch a movie or something and then gone to sleep in good time. He was out with friends, not in an actually dangerous situation. So yes I might have been a bit annoyed, but I wouldn’t have been scared for his safety!

You created a lot of drama for yourself. Why didn't you eat? Even if you didn't fancy the dinner on your own, you could have made yourself some toast or something easy. Also, worrying about his safety? He is a grown man who was with his friends in a place that he knows. No need for worrying.

I don't think this particular event if particularly significant, but if you do have a tendency for dramatics, it is something you should be aware of as it can tire people out over time and drive them away.

I think there is a possibility he wanted to stay out with his mate drinking, and has made it up, or it did happen and used the drama as an excuse to stay out.