Drama with partners bf caused partner to leave me hanging?!

[Sunriselillyflower]

Hi all name changed for this one , dont want to be outted

So, for some context partner goes for a drink every other Friday evening with best friend in town straight after work.
It's his routine always has been and I've always been fine about it. I have my own routines with my friends & it's one of the things I liked when we met he just accepted my need for my nights with friends , I accepted his.
I just want to put that there as to be clear him seeing his mate after wok is not the issue.

So he normally does this from around 5 till 8 ish goes home has a shower , changes, comes to mine for either a take away , quiet night in or takes me out on a date, normally whatever I choose.

We have proper dates etc in between that obviously and spent quality time together regularly.

So yesterday evening he goes on his usual fortnightly meet up with friend

Before he meets friend we had both decided that I was going to cook quite a complicated dish that we had both decided on , he was really looking forward to this and said I'll bring the wine on way back from seeing friend ( he has done this b4)
We all live in the same town so in close proximity so is the pub ( for context)

I will now give a timeline of what happens next

Fast forward to 7pm he msgs to say can't wait to see you , missing you , doing my mates head in talking about you see you soon , be with you by 8. 30pm at the latest, love you x

He then txt at 8.30pm saying something bad has happened with his friend.
His friend is in trouble and there's drama. He says sorry I'm late I'll tell you all about it as soon as I get to yours.

Half an hour goes by...

So I'm actually hungry by this point but would rather wait for him to eat , meal is ready but can easily be heated back up

He then txts again explaining what has happened, his friend has been caught out messaging another one if thier friends wife's ( this apparently is the first my partner has heard of this and I believe him)
He goes on to tell me the other friend ( with wife) turned up to the pub he knows there at and went to punch the friend who has been messaging wife of other friend.
He explains it all in txt and says he's with them both now trying to cool things down and feels he can't leave until he takes married friend home as he's in a state

I txt back that I understand and I just hope he's ok , I was genuinely worried for my partners safety.

He txt back again he loves me and can't wait to see me & sorry about all this

He then rings and says I've got to get my friend home he's not in a good way ( married one) I'm sorry ill be over to yours straight after. I love you

This is now 9. 45 pm

Then nothing for over 2 hours 😒

Its 11.50pm by now , I was absolutely worried sick 😫 allsorts of things were going through my mind, my anxiety was off the hook.

He also knows I have work in the morning and have a double shift .

I txt one message in these two hours saying please let me know your safe and OK I'm worried about you.

I try calling him once and no answer.

It is now nearly midnight , I haven't eaten, couldn't eat as anxious, feel worried and let down I haven't had an update, but also understanding something bad could of happened.

I decide to cover and refrigerate food and go to bed as I have to be up so early for work in the morning & try to get some sleep

I'm lying in bed worried sick and I get a text msg at 12.40am and it's so casual it was almost piss takey .
No apology amd no explanation.

Just this :

I am at Lukes house now having a few beers with him. I'm safe .... Is it too late to come around ?

My reply:

I am in bed and going to sleep as I have work early as you know , glad your safe and ok, if your coming around it will be to go to bed straight away, too late for food now x

I hear nothing

I try my hardest to fall asleep.

I manage to get some sleep and I'm woken by a txt msg at 2am saying the following:

I feel bad , I really do x

Now I'm reeling, I just keep thinking if you feel bad , you really do , you would of let me know you were not coming arohnd or given me some kind of update much earlier than you did, I get it things come up but he is sat having beers with his friend,knowing I cooked and was waiting for him, he also knows I worry!

Obviously I'm happy he is safe as I was so worried but now I'm quite disappointed by his lack of communication as the night progressed 😞

I did not respond to this msg & I've drifted in and out of sleep

I won't see my partner till Tuesday as I am working all over the bank holiday he knows all of this

AIBU to think this was actually a piss take and my kindness & understanding has been taken for weakness or am I just tired , hungry, cranky and being ott?

I would really appreciate other's opinions here

He was trying his best with an awful situation.

Also you being a worrier is something you need to work on. It’s not his responsibility.

He was focused elsewhere rightfully so.

Storm in a teacup

He’s a grown man, I wouldn’t be that worried about his safety just because he didn’t check in more often than he already had done. It would’ve been better if he’d said he didn’t know how long he’d be so to not wait up, and you should’ve put your phone on silent then his text wouldn’t have woken you, but beyond that it’s not something to have got so frantic about or to drag on in anyway. If there’s a next time, just take the initiative and msg that you’ve got work first thing so you’re going to bed, turning phone off and will catch up tomorrow.

You were terrified about the safety of a grown man who was with his own friends! You should have eaten something and gone to bed not expected constant updates. A fancy home cokes meal after a few pints down the pub was never a good idea. As soon as the crisis with his friends became clear you should have left him to it to help his friends.

I’m still don’t understand why he wouldn’t be safe. He’s not a kid!

Such a lot of drama. He’d explained the situation - it sounds plausible. You had no reason to think he was in peril. He had bigger things to worry about. It’s not ideal but unless you have reason to believe he was cheating on you or using it as an excuse to go on the piss with his mates and didn’t want to tell you (in which case you have a bigger problem) you’re completely overreacting.

He was focusing his attention on the priority in the situation which is his friend and not you.
He sounds lovely and kept you updated and apologised for the delay. Absolute non issue.

You sound overbearing. Relax. You aren’t his mother.

Sounds to me like he sent you ten texts and you’re annoyed because he didn’t send you eleven.

He wasn’t deliberately stringing you along and two hours is nothing when you’re trying to manage a volatile situation with pissed and upset people.

Do you usually make everything about you and your feelings, or is this a one off?

Is yours an unusually violent town?
is he in the habit of getting attacked by zombies? What is the back story?

No, you got lots of communication - leave it.

He was probably trying to deal with what was going on at the time and defuse anything. Why on earth do you need continual updates, is there anything underlying on this?

It’s a shame your night didn’t go to plan but shit happens. It sounds like his mates life has been blown up and he was understandably in a state. Your partner did the right thing.
I think it’s a bit ridiculous that you went to bed hungry, you should’ve had the dinner and gone to bed. Were you trying to make him feel guilty? I think you expected too much contact in the circumstances. It’s not always appropriate or on your mind to be on your phone when you’re dealing with something.

if you’re happy otherwise I would just move on.

Do you think what you have been told is actually true?
If so think i'd be focusing more on what you have now found out about his best friend and his friendship group.
You are understandably fed up about your evening being ruined and now having to work all the holiday weekend.
I think you need to have good discussion with your partner about what actually happened before you decide whether he acted unreasonably or not.

This is unreasonable.

the first two texts were enough really, he was overly optimistic and in that situation I would’ve said don’t worry about tonight focus on managing those two and calm me in the morning.

if my friends are fighting or nearly fighting because of one messaging another partner. Later plans are obviously a write off.

you being a worrier is fine still doesn’t make it reasonable to be acting as if something terrible would’ve happened because he was managing a fall out. It’s not as if he was the guilty party.

expecting someone to keep texting you in the middle of a crisis is silly. He told you what’s was going on, he was very communicative

He did communicate, he was perhaps unrealistic about getting back to see you. He seems to be genuine and sorry for impact.
I'd have just eaten myself and texted him to say so and then said I'm off to bed call me if any problems and left it at that.
I think the worry you had seems a bit much for the situation, you cant help being a worrier but I don't think you can expect others to necessarily always do things to alleviate your worries. Sorry

This drama is very 'young' stuff, how old is your man?

I can understand you worrying a bit but not to the extent that you don't eat, you stay awake and keep texting. It would have been better to have your dinner, cover up the rest and refrigerate when cold, and go to bed. You staying awake half the night achieved nothing.

Hopefully you managed some sleep and will be all right today.

I have an aunt who gets anxious about everything, it gets exhausting.

Yes, ideally he should have just said you should eat without him as it’s unlikely he’ll get to yours. I think you both need to be clearer with eachother.

I think wider than what happened last night, I wouldn't expect my partner to be home by 8pmish if catching up with friends. That's hardly doing his own thing.
Personally I'd write off every other Friday and do my own thing. I'd also not expect to hear from him.

It sounds like you are a little concerned about whether he was telling the truth or not with this convoluted story.

Maybe keep that in mind & keep an eye out of any other possible red flag behaviour.

If there is red flags maybe they both need to look out for them?

This is a non issue. He kept you even more informed than he needed to.

He was trying to support his friends. He kept hoping it would settle, but obviously didn't.

The worrying is on you.

Your partner usually gets home at 8pm after the pub you say, that sounds quite late to have a fancy meal, especially when you have a double shift the next day.

You both should have selected a better evening to have a fancy dinner. 8pm would be too late for me , especially if I as up for work the next morning.

So you always have to have a date night after he’s been to the pub? It all sounds rather rushed , especially if you go out for a date afterwards knowing he doesn’t finish at the pub his mate until 8pm.

As soon as you heard there was a crisis, you should have known that was the end of your plans. You should have eaten your dinner, watched a film / read a book and not expected a blow-by-blow account from him

shit happens, get over it