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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Drama with partners bf caused partner to leave me hanging?!

226 replies

Sunriselillyflower · 23/08/2025 05:53

Hi all name changed for this one , dont want to be outted

So, for some context partner goes for a drink every other Friday evening with best friend in town straight after work.
It's his routine always has been and I've always been fine about it. I have my own routines with my friends & it's one of the things I liked when we met he just accepted my need for my nights with friends , I accepted his.
I just want to put that there as to be clear him seeing his mate after wok is not the issue.

So he normally does this from around 5 till 8 ish goes home has a shower , changes, comes to mine for either a take away , quiet night in or takes me out on a date, normally whatever I choose.

We have proper dates etc in between that obviously and spent quality time together regularly.

So yesterday evening he goes on his usual fortnightly meet up with friend

Before he meets friend we had both decided that I was going to cook quite a complicated dish that we had both decided on , he was really looking forward to this and said I'll bring the wine on way back from seeing friend ( he has done this b4)
We all live in the same town so in close proximity so is the pub ( for context)

I will now give a timeline of what happens next

Fast forward to 7pm he msgs to say can't wait to see you , missing you , doing my mates head in talking about you see you soon , be with you by 8. 30pm at the latest, love you x

He then txt at 8.30pm saying something bad has happened with his friend.
His friend is in trouble and there's drama. He says sorry I'm late I'll tell you all about it as soon as I get to yours.

Half an hour goes by...

So I'm actually hungry by this point but would rather wait for him to eat , meal is ready but can easily be heated back up

He then txts again explaining what has happened, his friend has been caught out messaging another one if thier friends wife's ( this apparently is the first my partner has heard of this and I believe him)
He goes on to tell me the other friend ( with wife) turned up to the pub he knows there at and went to punch the friend who has been messaging wife of other friend.
He explains it all in txt and says he's with them both now trying to cool things down and feels he can't leave until he takes married friend home as he's in a state

I txt back that I understand and I just hope he's ok , I was genuinely worried for my partners safety.

He txt back again he loves me and can't wait to see me & sorry about all this

He then rings and says I've got to get my friend home he's not in a good way ( married one) I'm sorry ill be over to yours straight after. I love you

This is now 9. 45 pm

Then nothing for over 2 hours 😒

Its 11.50pm by now , I was absolutely worried sick 😫 allsorts of things were going through my mind, my anxiety was off the hook.

He also knows I have work in the morning and have a double shift .

I txt one message in these two hours saying please let me know your safe and OK I'm worried about you.

I try calling him once and no answer.

It is now nearly midnight , I haven't eaten, couldn't eat as anxious, feel worried and let down I haven't had an update, but also understanding something bad could of happened.

I decide to cover and refrigerate food and go to bed as I have to be up so early for work in the morning & try to get some sleep

I'm lying in bed worried sick and I get a text msg at 12.40am and it's so casual it was almost piss takey .
No apology amd no explanation.

Just this :

I am at Lukes house now having a few beers with him. I'm safe .... Is it too late to come around ?

My reply:

I am in bed and going to sleep as I have work early as you know , glad your safe and ok, if your coming around it will be to go to bed straight away, too late for food now x

I hear nothing

I try my hardest to fall asleep.

I manage to get some sleep and I'm woken by a txt msg at 2am saying the following:

I feel bad , I really do x

Now I'm reeling, I just keep thinking if you feel bad , you really do , you would of let me know you were not coming arohnd or given me some kind of update much earlier than you did, I get it things come up but he is sat having beers with his friend,knowing I cooked and was waiting for him, he also knows I worry!

Obviously I'm happy he is safe as I was so worried but now I'm quite disappointed by his lack of communication as the night progressed 😞

I did not respond to this msg & I've drifted in and out of sleep

I won't see my partner till Tuesday as I am working all over the bank holiday he knows all of this

AIBU to think this was actually a piss take and my kindness & understanding has been taken for weakness or am I just tired , hungry, cranky and being ott?

I would really appreciate other's opinions here

OP posts:
AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 23/08/2025 11:59

I think you've over-reacted to the 'lack of communication', OP. He told you where he was going and why. Safety was never really an issue here. That was all a you drama. And you should have told him you'd see him next week then, you were going to bed, then turned your phone off and gone to bed for the sleep you needed.

As for your partners friend, the drama was self-inflicted: he was messaging another friend's wife. Sounds like he made some bad choices in his life, was rightfully called out for it by the wife's husband, and your husband chose to stand by his friend and his poor choices to make sure he was okay. Instead of coming to yours earlier as planned. That was his choice to make, but frankly, I hope his 'support' to his friend included reading him the riot act over what he thought he was playing at messaging a friend's wife.

AnythingLemon · 23/08/2025 11:59

Howunusualofyou · 23/08/2025 11:52

It is definitely not used enough and anyone that says that it is needs to wake up.

Misogyny is the water in which we all swim.

Show quote history

I know what misogyny is and I will stand up for myself and call people out.

From your other post on here it sounds like you don't like men in general.

Laura95167 · 23/08/2025 12:00

Sounds like DP would have genuinely preferred eating with you but friend A betrayed friend B by having an affair with friend As wife.

You knew there was a reveal, a fight and the minute he said he needed to take B home he was going to have to play it by ear. At that point the altercation was over. He was just comforting a friend who's wife had cheated.

I think you got lots of updates. Tbh id have decided if I was eating the dish or saving it to share tomorrow. Eating something. And texted saying if you can still get here let yourself in, no worries if not home your friend is ok

DP sounds attentive, keen on you and supportive to his mates.

AnythingLemon · 23/08/2025 12:03

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 23/08/2025 11:59

I think you've over-reacted to the 'lack of communication', OP. He told you where he was going and why. Safety was never really an issue here. That was all a you drama. And you should have told him you'd see him next week then, you were going to bed, then turned your phone off and gone to bed for the sleep you needed.

As for your partners friend, the drama was self-inflicted: he was messaging another friend's wife. Sounds like he made some bad choices in his life, was rightfully called out for it by the wife's husband, and your husband chose to stand by his friend and his poor choices to make sure he was okay. Instead of coming to yours earlier as planned. That was his choice to make, but frankly, I hope his 'support' to his friend included reading him the riot act over what he thought he was playing at messaging a friend's wife.

He was comforting the friend who had been cheated on.

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 23/08/2025 12:16

AnythingLemon · 23/08/2025 12:03

He was comforting the friend who had been cheated on.

Show quote history

Ah, I didn't read it that way at all. Too many 'friends' 😅

But the rest of my thoughts still stand: OP should have just wished him a good night, and turned her phone off rather than worrying all night and listening for it.

Cucy · 23/08/2025 12:22

Teacherjw · 23/08/2025 11:49

Well yes he told her all the drama with his friends he didn't tell her clearly what was going on with him.

Show quote history

Well yes that’s because he’s a grown adult and was busy and doesn’t need to give OP a minute by minute account of what he’s doing.

AnythingLemon · 23/08/2025 12:29

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 23/08/2025 12:16

Ah, I didn't read it that way at all. Too many 'friends' 😅

But the rest of my thoughts still stand: OP should have just wished him a good night, and turned her phone off rather than worrying all night and listening for it.

Show quote history

Yes, I agree.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 23/08/2025 12:38

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 23/08/2025 12:16

Ah, I didn't read it that way at all. Too many 'friends' 😅

But the rest of my thoughts still stand: OP should have just wished him a good night, and turned her phone off rather than worrying all night and listening for it.

Show quote history

💯
OP went hungry to make a point.
I'd have automatically said, forget dinner, look after your pal.
DH would say the same thing.

cloudtreecarpet · 23/08/2025 12:49

Teacherjw · 23/08/2025 10:43

Wow the misogynists and the cool girls are all over this thread with their favourite phrases 'you're clingy' 'you're needy, you're hard work, you're dramatic, you're making it all about you.

The adulterous marital problems of the friends of the OPs partner has nothing to do with her and she shouldn't be expected to lower her expectations.

He told her that he was coming and then didn't arrive and didn't communicate to her that he wasn't going to be coming. Why should the OP have been nonchalant about that?

Another thing I've observed on this thread and others on Mumsnet is that the phrase 'have you considered therapy?' is always disingenuous and never as a valid concern over someone's wellbeing.

OP I hope you're feeling ok, you must have been disappointed as you were looking forward to seeing your partner. He's got some making up to do on Tuesday.

It's not about "cool girls" or "mysogny" to say the OP should have just called it, told him not to bother coming round anymore and gone to bed.

It's about the OP putting herself first and not hanging on the phone waiting for her partner to text again & deliberately not eating in case he turned up. And then being angry with him because she made those choices. That's just daft.

It was pretty clear by 9.45pm that he was either being a great friend or dicking about (the OP hopefully knows him well enough to know which). He had probably had a couple of drinks, the OP hadn't so she needed to be the one to say "Nah, forget it" & get some sleep. She didn't need to hang on his every text & then worry about him like he's a child.

dogcatkitten · 23/08/2025 14:22

At some point he should have said sorry looks like I'm not going to make it tonight, I won't keep you hanging around see you soon. Or you should have said it's getting a bit late, I'm going to eat my dinner and go to bed, see you soon.

I guess he kept hoping he could extricate himself and you kept hoping he would still turn up. Lesson learnt for both, know when to realise it's not going to happen today.

I wouldn't have been worrying about him getting hurt, but the other two men could have got in a fight and they could all have ended up at the hospital or the police station. So I would have appreciated an it's all under control now (but I can't really leave) type message.

dogcatkitten · 23/08/2025 14:33

By the way where was the wife in all of the kerfuffle, was she in the house with her dh when your bf was looking after him or had she gone? I hope she was safe, her dh sounded pretty upset, not surprisingly.

lotsofpatience · 23/08/2025 15:43

Drama queen much?

InMyShowgirlEra · 23/08/2025 16:56

I get that you're disappointed but I think it was clear from when he first told you there was a situation with his friend that it wasn't going to work out as planned. I would have just said at that point that you'll see him a different night and to focus on his friend.

19lottie82 · 23/08/2025 17:00

See I prob would be flapping like this years ago, but now I’m in my 40s and I could just not be arsed working myself up over this.

I’d text him “I’m going to bed now, working tomorrow. Hope everything is ok, speak to you tomorrow.”

if you’re annoyed about the dinner, mention it tomorrow.

florizel13 · 23/08/2025 20:15

He sounds like a decent man and also very keen on you...he only goes out with his mate for a few hours once a fortnight then comes to you afterwards? Not even a full night out with his friend? He's a keeper 😄

Spinmerightroundbaby · 24/08/2025 18:06

Sunriselillyflower · 23/08/2025 05:53

Hi all name changed for this one , dont want to be outted

So, for some context partner goes for a drink every other Friday evening with best friend in town straight after work.
It's his routine always has been and I've always been fine about it. I have my own routines with my friends & it's one of the things I liked when we met he just accepted my need for my nights with friends , I accepted his.
I just want to put that there as to be clear him seeing his mate after wok is not the issue.

So he normally does this from around 5 till 8 ish goes home has a shower , changes, comes to mine for either a take away , quiet night in or takes me out on a date, normally whatever I choose.

We have proper dates etc in between that obviously and spent quality time together regularly.

So yesterday evening he goes on his usual fortnightly meet up with friend

Before he meets friend we had both decided that I was going to cook quite a complicated dish that we had both decided on , he was really looking forward to this and said I'll bring the wine on way back from seeing friend ( he has done this b4)
We all live in the same town so in close proximity so is the pub ( for context)

I will now give a timeline of what happens next

Fast forward to 7pm he msgs to say can't wait to see you , missing you , doing my mates head in talking about you see you soon , be with you by 8. 30pm at the latest, love you x

He then txt at 8.30pm saying something bad has happened with his friend.
His friend is in trouble and there's drama. He says sorry I'm late I'll tell you all about it as soon as I get to yours.

Half an hour goes by...

So I'm actually hungry by this point but would rather wait for him to eat , meal is ready but can easily be heated back up

He then txts again explaining what has happened, his friend has been caught out messaging another one if thier friends wife's ( this apparently is the first my partner has heard of this and I believe him)
He goes on to tell me the other friend ( with wife) turned up to the pub he knows there at and went to punch the friend who has been messaging wife of other friend.
He explains it all in txt and says he's with them both now trying to cool things down and feels he can't leave until he takes married friend home as he's in a state

I txt back that I understand and I just hope he's ok , I was genuinely worried for my partners safety.

He txt back again he loves me and can't wait to see me & sorry about all this

He then rings and says I've got to get my friend home he's not in a good way ( married one) I'm sorry ill be over to yours straight after. I love you

This is now 9. 45 pm

Then nothing for over 2 hours 😒

Its 11.50pm by now , I was absolutely worried sick 😫 allsorts of things were going through my mind, my anxiety was off the hook.

He also knows I have work in the morning and have a double shift .

I txt one message in these two hours saying please let me know your safe and OK I'm worried about you.

I try calling him once and no answer.

It is now nearly midnight , I haven't eaten, couldn't eat as anxious, feel worried and let down I haven't had an update, but also understanding something bad could of happened.

I decide to cover and refrigerate food and go to bed as I have to be up so early for work in the morning & try to get some sleep

I'm lying in bed worried sick and I get a text msg at 12.40am and it's so casual it was almost piss takey .
No apology amd no explanation.

Just this :

I am at Lukes house now having a few beers with him. I'm safe .... Is it too late to come around ?

My reply:

I am in bed and going to sleep as I have work early as you know , glad your safe and ok, if your coming around it will be to go to bed straight away, too late for food now x

I hear nothing

I try my hardest to fall asleep.

I manage to get some sleep and I'm woken by a txt msg at 2am saying the following:

I feel bad , I really do x

Now I'm reeling, I just keep thinking if you feel bad , you really do , you would of let me know you were not coming arohnd or given me some kind of update much earlier than you did, I get it things come up but he is sat having beers with his friend,knowing I cooked and was waiting for him, he also knows I worry!

Obviously I'm happy he is safe as I was so worried but now I'm quite disappointed by his lack of communication as the night progressed 😞

I did not respond to this msg & I've drifted in and out of sleep

I won't see my partner till Tuesday as I am working all over the bank holiday he knows all of this

AIBU to think this was actually a piss take and my kindness & understanding has been taken for weakness or am I just tired , hungry, cranky and being ott?

I would really appreciate other's opinions here

I think you’ve made a drama over nothing. Something happened with his friend and he got distracted. You should’ve just eaten your food and gone to bed. If it’s a one off I would just say to him not to do that again and just reschedule, then move on from it.

Deelitefull · 24/08/2025 18:28

If this was my DH I have to say that once his focus was obviously switched to a stressful situation or needing to be there for a friend (calling it ‘Drama’ minimises the situation imo) I would have said something along the lines of ‘Do what you need to, we can reschedule dinner. Let me know when you’re home safe’ with the expectation of him being able to manage a difficult issue like the adult he presumably is and got on with my evening, checking in the next day and relieving him of pacifying me in the moment.

If the roles were switched and a friend of mine was in need due to a serious issue that had suddenly arisen and my DH ended up annoyed about it I’d be pissed about that.

My DH has missed a few ‘complicated/expensive meals’ over the years due to life happening and so have I. All par for the course.

Buffs · 24/08/2025 20:31

I don’t understand why you were so anxious about the 2 hour gap in communication. You knew he was completely preoccupied. The situation he was in was time consuming but not dangerous. Why were you in such a state?

Lockdownsceptic · 24/08/2025 20:59

He shouldn’t need to update you every half hour. He told you the situation. You are exhibiting controlling behaviour.

DiaryofaProvincialLady · 25/08/2025 14:08

Cucy · 23/08/2025 11:02

He told OP exactly what was going on.

There was a 2 hour gap that they had no contact (the horror) but OP knew that he was dealing with drama because he had already told her, so she knew that he was busy.

I would have been disappointed if my DP had not supported his friend.

Show quote history

His messages to the OP indicate that HE was the anxious one knowing that she is so clingy, needy and intense, he is conditioned to pacifying and pandering to her "anxiety" sending completely unnecessary messages littered with OTT reassurances and "love you" when 2 would have been sufficient. Poor bloke was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

DiaryofaProvincialLady · 25/08/2025 14:10

ttcat37 · 23/08/2025 10:24

Think I’d be pissed off that he’d picked to comfort his scummy mate than stick with plans you already had. I would think less of him for sympathising with someone who behaved like that

But he wasn't comforting his scummy mate. He was comforting his aggrieved mate.

DiaryofaProvincialLady · 25/08/2025 14:11

ChopsyHatesFungus · 23/08/2025 10:55

Urgh! Throw him back.

If true, I’d be extremely pissed off that he’s prioritising supporting his married cheating pal over keeping his arrangement to see you.

I’d want confirmation from the wife that this all happened as he said it did, as I think he’s stringing you along. I don’t actually believe his shit story for a second and I also think he wanted to carry on drinking. What an absolute tosser.

His regular update texts suggest to me that he’s well versed in the lying dept. and I wouldn’t trust him an inch after this. I bet he’s also a serial cheater.

He wasn't supporting the cheating pal, he was supporting the cheated on pal.

amicisimma · 25/08/2025 15:16

Surely when he told you the details of the situation at about 9pm (text at 8.30, "Half an hour goes by..."), that was the point at which you'd realise that he was likely to be either tied up for quite a while or torn between his upset friend and his waiting girlfriend. If you like him it would have been kind to suggest that you abandon the meal for that night, you'll eat and go to bed as you have work in the morning and he can be free to sort out his mates. If you didn't manage to reach that conclusion at 9, surely it was screaming at you with the 9.45 update?

I don't see what all the anxiety is about. He's a grown man, with other adults in a place he knows. This doesn't sound like a time for him to be concerned about what you might be working yourself up to imagine and worry about.

AnaisVB · 08/09/2025 22:01

He should have just called you and said sorry I won’t make it . Disappointing but the right thing to do. You don’t make plans, change them and not update that’s out of order . Helping the friend is right and good of him but a 30 second phone call when you have made plans it’s just basic manners for someone you love . Let him off though if it’s a one off he sounds sweet x

Darkladyofthesonnets · 10/03/2026 00:26

Frankly, his friend who was caught out messaging the wife of a friend was in line to get what was coming to him. He should have got himself off home if he wanted to avoid the irate and upset spouse. I mean what did the first friend think would happen if her husband, his friend, found out. I would have absolutely no sympathy for him.