Drama with partners bf caused partner to leave me hanging?!

[Sunriselillyflower]

Hi all name changed for this one , dont want to be outted

So, for some context partner goes for a drink every other Friday evening with best friend in town straight after work.
It's his routine always has been and I've always been fine about it. I have my own routines with my friends & it's one of the things I liked when we met he just accepted my need for my nights with friends , I accepted his.
I just want to put that there as to be clear him seeing his mate after wok is not the issue.

So he normally does this from around 5 till 8 ish goes home has a shower , changes, comes to mine for either a take away , quiet night in or takes me out on a date, normally whatever I choose.

We have proper dates etc in between that obviously and spent quality time together regularly.

So yesterday evening he goes on his usual fortnightly meet up with friend

Before he meets friend we had both decided that I was going to cook quite a complicated dish that we had both decided on , he was really looking forward to this and said I'll bring the wine on way back from seeing friend ( he has done this b4)
We all live in the same town so in close proximity so is the pub ( for context)

I will now give a timeline of what happens next

Fast forward to 7pm he msgs to say can't wait to see you , missing you , doing my mates head in talking about you see you soon , be with you by 8. 30pm at the latest, love you x

He then txt at 8.30pm saying something bad has happened with his friend.
His friend is in trouble and there's drama. He says sorry I'm late I'll tell you all about it as soon as I get to yours.

Half an hour goes by...

So I'm actually hungry by this point but would rather wait for him to eat , meal is ready but can easily be heated back up

He then txts again explaining what has happened, his friend has been caught out messaging another one if thier friends wife's ( this apparently is the first my partner has heard of this and I believe him)
He goes on to tell me the other friend ( with wife) turned up to the pub he knows there at and went to punch the friend who has been messaging wife of other friend.
He explains it all in txt and says he's with them both now trying to cool things down and feels he can't leave until he takes married friend home as he's in a state

I txt back that I understand and I just hope he's ok , I was genuinely worried for my partners safety.

He txt back again he loves me and can't wait to see me & sorry about all this

He then rings and says I've got to get my friend home he's not in a good way ( married one) I'm sorry ill be over to yours straight after. I love you

This is now 9. 45 pm

Then nothing for over 2 hours 😒

Its 11.50pm by now , I was absolutely worried sick 😫 allsorts of things were going through my mind, my anxiety was off the hook.

He also knows I have work in the morning and have a double shift .

I txt one message in these two hours saying please let me know your safe and OK I'm worried about you.

I try calling him once and no answer.

It is now nearly midnight , I haven't eaten, couldn't eat as anxious, feel worried and let down I haven't had an update, but also understanding something bad could of happened.

I decide to cover and refrigerate food and go to bed as I have to be up so early for work in the morning & try to get some sleep

I'm lying in bed worried sick and I get a text msg at 12.40am and it's so casual it was almost piss takey .
No apology amd no explanation.

Just this :

I am at Lukes house now having a few beers with him. I'm safe .... Is it too late to come around ?

My reply:

I am in bed and going to sleep as I have work early as you know , glad your safe and ok, if your coming around it will be to go to bed straight away, too late for food now x

I hear nothing

I try my hardest to fall asleep.

I manage to get some sleep and I'm woken by a txt msg at 2am saying the following:

I feel bad , I really do x

Now I'm reeling, I just keep thinking if you feel bad , you really do , you would of let me know you were not coming arohnd or given me some kind of update much earlier than you did, I get it things come up but he is sat having beers with his friend,knowing I cooked and was waiting for him, he also knows I worry!

Obviously I'm happy he is safe as I was so worried but now I'm quite disappointed by his lack of communication as the night progressed 😞

I did not respond to this msg & I've drifted in and out of sleep

I won't see my partner till Tuesday as I am working all over the bank holiday he knows all of this

AIBU to think this was actually a piss take and my kindness & understanding has been taken for weakness or am I just tired , hungry, cranky and being ott?

I would really appreciate other's opinions here

🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮

He kept updating you. You sound extremely needy. Sorry. Also all the waffle about being too anxious to eat. You knew where he was, he is a grown up man and not a baby. All not normal at all. Sorry.

I think your bf was a bit of a dick. Why didn't he send a message to say he wasn't going to make it so you could relax and go to bed. I would be a bit annoyed.

I think if he's seeing his friends it's probably better to not also plan a night in or out with you on the same night. It seems very restrictive. Sounds so full on and false, all the missing you and loving you earlier on during what must be a few hours. Sounds exhausting keeping that up and your replies to the issue we're all about you.

Maybe, but surely it was obvious at 10 he wasn't coming? And if he had come after that what would have been the point really as the OP had to get up for work today?

He was caught up in something complicated which the OP knew, because he had kept her fairly well informed, so I think the onus was on the OP to call it & go to bed.

Sorry to ruin your breakfast but what is your objection?

When shit went down you should have told him not to worry about coming round, had your dinner and gone to bed letting him know he has his dinner in the fridge for tomorrow. You are an adult (I assume), you could have made that decision yourself instead of putting it on him by making him feel like he needed to sort out his friends drama and try and keep you happy aswell.

A tad too saccharine for this time of the morning!

The last she heard from him was at 9:45, when he said he was dropping his friend home and then he'd be straight over to hers.

He could have said ‘go ahead and eat without me’. Wouldnt have taken 2 minutes. His friend sounds a cheating pain in the arse.

Assuming the story is true and not a cover for a night out with the lads - you need to get your anxiety under control - it’s exhausting dealing with someone with that level of anxiety.

He kept you updated. I’d have just eaten, gone to bed & end of story.

”Its 11.50pm by now , I was absolutely worried sick 😫 allsorts of things were going through my mind, my anxiety was off the hook.”

THIS is so off the hook in terms of reaction. Disproportionate etc. You knew where he was & what was going on. I’d have assumed after the first couple of messages, that plans had been scrapped to support his friend(s).

Ok, I replace “slayed a dragon” with “took the bins out” if that matters so much.

It feeds into the general Main Character narrative of the whole bloody patriarchy. Man is much too busy to consider woman because he's Big Hero.

Would you honestly say the same if the man had cooked an elaborate meal (that the woman requested) and then he sat home all evening wondering whether she was going to turn up (spoiler alert - she didn't)

its annoying at best.

but you sound a bit wet OP, and an absolute drama queen.

I'd be disappointed too that I wasn't going to see him until Tuesday. I'd also have been miffed that it wasn't clearer earlier on that he wasn't coming. I can understand his reasons but I can also understand how it's made you feel.

Why would she assume that, when the last message he sent at 9.45 was that he was coming straight round?

Yes another example of an anxious person laying all their anxiety on someone else.

He sounds like a lovely bloke and it was a one off

Sounds like he communicated well in the situation and circumstances. I definitely would have left him to be there for his friends, eaten and assumed I might not see him. Not sure why you needed him to message you again to say he was safe, that's a bit ott.

It sounds genuine to me. It's annoying since the special meal you cooked was ruined. If this is just a one off I'd let it go. He was texting you and apologising.

You’re over reacting. He gave you so much communication throughout the night, he probably did still plan on coming round even after all that but obviously got to late before he could text again. His married friend needed him more than you did. His world had just been blown apart so I think you’re being quite selfish only thinking of you in this situation. How do you stop a devastated friend from crying or talking to say “hold on I just need to give my gf another update. He obviously texted you after 2 hours because that’s when the chance came

JFC OP you should have eaten and gone to bed, and just told him that. It’s a one off situation just move on.

You needed to have been definite and clear that it was too late to come round when he asked you. And he should have been realistic earlier and said ‘this is going to take done time to sort out , really sorry but realistically I’m not going to make it tonight’

The worrying about his safety was OTT.

These things happen.

He wasn’t taking the piss.

I'd be pissed off I'd cooked and he didn't turn up but I'd have eaten it . He clearly wanted to take care of his friend and he messaged all along until the 2 hr gap where he was probably busy with the friend.